Need your crit
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/the-accused-sit-down
Im gonna change number when get enoghe crit and shit, yk?
Thx frends
Need your crit
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» Need your crit
Summary:
So, my first shit here, yk? English not my first language, im use some computer translater shit, yk?
In terms of grammar and tone, it's not the worst thing I've ever read. In terms of writing, you add a lot of unnecessary details, especially in the footnotes (why did only one person die, and doesn't the death contradict what you say later? Did the person punished for parking in a handicap spot imply that person didn't do anything worse?), and there are little bizarre details, like the numbers of the addenda, implying there are 121 other addenda we don't see, or the implication that everybody gives the exact same specific description of the voice. Some elements are just poorly or awkwardly explained, like the details about the "sins" a person is punished for.
But overall the big problem is this isn't interesting, it's just a generic idea that gets less than the bare minimum of exploration or explanation. You don't explore, say, the effects this has on a person, or what a person might be punished for based on their beliefs, or its origins—you specify that the belts are Soviet origin, why is that important? So it just feels like something that got dashed out in about ten minutes, without much real effort put into it. You need to expand on this and at least try and make it more than "electric chair that punishes people."
Situation normal, Cap'n! Spiraling out of control!
Firstly, I want to congratulate you for being patient. I know I said I'd get started on this multiple times,1but I didn't deliver. I apologize for this, and hope my crit is worthwhile. Here are my present thoughts on the document:
In its current state, it's not the most well executed. You spend a lot of time describing the technical details while the actual anomaly is somewhat confusing. I'm not sure if it teleports you to this place or if you hallucinate it. Like Raggabrash said, you could also afford to elaborate on the anomaly. Like he suggested, you could have it punish people based on the penalty for whatever crime they committed in their culture of origin, or the culture of the place they committed that crime. What if it punished people for things they think they're guilty of but aren't necessarily crimes? There are many angles you can go with here.
You also mention that the metal plates may have something to do with the "Judge", but you don't go anywhere with it. Why not have the plates be branded with a symbol that appears in the Judge's realm, or have the chair not function without the plates?
Don't be discouraged. You've come so far, and I think this idea has potential - you just have to realize it.
General:
1. Containment Protocols, Description, etc should all be on the same level as their accompanying text.
2. Given that the anomaly can be
Access to the object is strictly prohibited without prior authorization for interaction (including but not limited to cleaning, relocation, or experimentation).
Consider:
Access to the object for any reason is strictly without prior authorization from a staff member with a clearance level of ?/549. (I'd go with 3)
RPC-549 is a crudely assembled electric chair of simplified design. The object consists of a wooden chair frame with leather straps mounted on the armrests for subject restraint. Analysis indicates that the buckles are composed of 98% brass and that the straps were originally Soviet military belts manufactured before ████.
Consider:
RPC-549 is a crudely assembled electric chair, consisting of a wooden chair frame and leather straps of Soviet origin, c. 19██.
Suggestion: I would give a specific year, I don't see why this would need to be censored.
The anomalous effects of RPC-549 manifest only when all of the following conditions are met:
- Condition A: The object is connected to a power source. Voltage strength is irrelevant, although a minimum of 20V AC is required.
- Condition B: A subject is seated in the chair.
- Condition C: The subject is restrained, and the [REDACTED] metal plates make firm contact with the subject's wrists.
- Condition D: Both toggle switches are flipped to the “On” position simultaneously or within 1–2 seconds of each other.
Consider:
The object's primary anomalous affects manifest when the object is active and plugged into a power source of 20V AC or higher while a subject is interred into the chair.
Once all conditions are satisfied, the "Alpha Phase" begins. The subject immediately undergoes seizure-like symptoms, including loss of consciousness and convulsions. ECG monitoring shows a sudden onset of ventricular fibrillation. EEG readings indicate a sharp spike of activity in the frontal lobes and complete inactivity in the hypothalamus, thalamus, cerebellum, and brain stem. This state lasts from 12 minutes to 2 hours1.
Subjects who survive the event and are capable of communication report experiencing a state resembling "limbo" or "purgatory." While descriptions vary, the general portrayal is of a non-Euclidean space devoid of light sources yet dimly illuminated. During this experience, subjects undergo a process identified as the “Judgment Phase.”
The “Judgment” phase involves an incorporeal voice reciting accusations against the subject. These accusations typically correlate with the subject’s sins or societal violations. For religious individuals, the voice uses dogma from their professed faith; for atheists, accusations are framed using the subject’s cultural legal or moral standards.2 The voice is consistently described as “deep and infernally bass-heavy.” The source of the voice is never visible or locatable. The accusations end with a declaration of “Guilty,” marking the beginning of the "Punishment Phase."
I'm not really sure what's going on here. Is the subject being teleported, or is he hallucinating? Also, how is the space "non-euclidean"? I think you could afford to describe the location beyond that, too.
Following this sequence, the “Beta Phase” begins. Brain activity returns to baseline levels, cardiac rhythm stabilizes, and the subject regains consciousness gradually.
I would cut the "beta phase" and just say the subject is released. Also, what happens to deceased subjects?
Footnotes
1. In my defense I did get started but forgot to save a few times.
/forum/t-17132490/need-your-crit#post-