Dead Man Walking
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/6yb0
I was gonna write more but honestly I'm out of ideas for what should come after the discovery section.
Dead Man Walking
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» Dead Man Walking
Summary:
I need criticism for this RPC draft so that I can improve it.
(Staff edit: Post removed after its author admitted to writing crit with ChatGPT.)
Highly recommend you post your draft on the discord's critique section to get more eyes on your draft.
General Thoughts
This article needs a lot of work before it can be uploaded. As staff member I apologize for not seeing that you article is given criticism in the month that it was uploaded but better late than never. You really need to read your article out loud, it makes you check you flow better and makes you notice things like repetitive words. I also recommend think a little more about how you RPC works cause how it stands it sounds like this will end all life in north America in about a year. I think idea is cool and you can make it work, but its current state leave a lot to be desired both at the narrative level and composition level. As it stands I would give this article an 2/5 but would go up to a 3 or 4 if the article is changed for the better. Good luck with your article!
General Issues
exposed to footage of RPC-XXX-2 in motion at Site-038 and Site-279
A little Redundant it would already be in motion.
radius of either site then specimens of rattus norvegicus who have viewed footage of RPC-
XXX-2 in motion at such sites are to be euthanized
Same issue its self explanatory
with class A amnestics.
That's very non-specific since its baseline. You have to which one, a compressive list can be found here: http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/amnestics
within a period of greater than 8 days are to be terminated.
Awkward sentence while not grammatically wrong. Try "with in a period greater than"
In the instance that RPC-XXX-2 manifests
Maybe not the best diction. Replacing instance with event might be better, more a matter of opinion here.
This is an extremely confusing sentence and I don't what you are trying to say in this. Are you explaining what the RPC does, because you never explain what happens when the RPC is not remembered moving.
of legs walking.
May be overly detailed but maybe write it as "of human legs walking." Unless its more general and doesn't look like any kind of legs in which case write "of non-distinct legs"
though it has often been referred to as an EF6 by Authority personnel.
Thats not the way Enhanced Fujita scale works. The old Fujita scale does but EF5 is stated to be anything above 200 mph winds. It will never go beyond a 5 because 5 includes anything beyond. I know the idea is that you want to add that the authority thinks this for dramatic effect in the article but personnel wouldn't write rumors in a report like this and it feels a little needless. I recommend just removing this part of the sentence, or have it be a part of dialogue in someway.
I swear I just heard a voice telling me to walk into the storm.
I'm not much to criticized dialogue but this doesn't sound like what somewhat would say in an event like this. Panic voices have trouble conveying information, and wouldn't be focused on small details like brief voices. You don't need to integrate the idea of the voices telling you to go outside in the dialogue, it makes it sound forced.
Alocal anemometer that remained intact despite the immense damage of the surrounding area indicated windspeeds of 412 mph were present.
Trees can't even stay on the ground at the speed, was this thing anchored with a titanium rod and 10 feet of concrete underground?
personnel who viewed the footage were then located and administered Class A amnestics.
Think you meant individuals personnel are on site so don't need to be located. Remember personnel are people who work for the site.
I need time to process this
I need to think for a minute sound more natural
Dr ██████ [Do you think we are ready to continue?] Survivor [So there was a tornado warning, and then-
Give him a brief pause in between, otherwise it makes it sounds like he blurted it out.
because they've never seen one before and they went out, but I didn't want to because I got scared so I went in the basement.
Was this guy a father? If so even fear stricken he should have had more strong emotions trying to get his kids not to go.
the, the tornado came.
Use - instead of , to represent stutter.
use of in motion
You desperately need to either remove that term cause the point is already taken, or if you do need it use a different phrase. Repetitive words and phrases will get to your reader.
RPC-XXX-1 approaching [REDACTED]
What about the effected location needs to be censored? It's not like no one is gonna notice a tornado past by.
Story
One thing that throws me off in this story is the method of effect by the anomaly. It essentially is perpetuated anytime someone sees it moving. Two problems with it is you never define where you need to see it move. Is it the legs they see, the storm along with the cumulonimbus itself, I'm not sure. And this may sound small but it has massive implications. You stated that it effects anything that views it human or animal. If that's the case this storm is never ending if its an EF5, you can see those things moving from miles away and animals or humans being chased by it means its wandering till they're destroyed. In which case this is not even a gamma this is an Omega. I think you either need to better define what seeing it is, or need to figure out a new way to write it.
Dialogue
You dialogue is very clunky, you use a lot of sentence structure and words that no one would use in a scenario you write them in. As an exercise I recommend saying lines as the person you are writing would say them.
Formatting
Hazard types
It's Titanic Hazard, not just Titanic.
Dreams. Each man longs to pursue his dream. Each man is tortured by this dream, but the dream gives meaning to his life. Even if the dream ruins his life, man cannot allow himself to leave it behind. In this world, is man ever able to possess anything more solid, than a dream?
~Kentaro Miura
/forum/t-17113289/dead-man-walking#post-