RPC Draft - The Colonel
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/raggabox-11
A rewrite of Researcher Ezekiel's original article, deleted about a year and a half ago.
Situation normal, Cap'n! Spiraling out of control!
RPC Draft - The Colonel
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» RPC Draft - The Colonel
Summary:
🎶Don't crit for me, Argentina...🎶
I like the subversion, how you're led to believe he’s some insanely patriotic madman then flipping that with a more melancholy tone.
A bit hung up on how effective the conprocs are. He’s supposed to believe the Falklands War has been happening for more than 40 years? And not wonder why he isn’t being deployed any more? Even if he’s supposed to know the truth internally but refuses to admit it, shouldn’t he at least ask about current battles and status updates? Also, shouldn’t he be a bit confused as to why they’re training troops like it's peace time?
It seems like a bit much for Argentina to create a super soldier for the Falklands War of all things, then I guess never use the project again. Furthermore, they seem a bit too eager to hand him off to the Authority after the war, especially as the reader doesn’t glimpse this supposed “erratic behaviour”.
You note it being aggressive towards British uniforms prior to 1982, before the war started. Why would it be cautious of that time period? A simple “uniforms used by the British troops in the Falklands during the conflict” would fix both disconnects in space and time.
While I did commend how the subversion increased the feels, the fact remains that the silly conditions around his containment and origin takes away from it. Why not just go to another war? Its activities right now are basically what it would do during peacetime anyway.
Islands Government, and declared off limits to civilians.
"Islands Government, and restricted from civilian access."
does not come to the conclusion
"does not conclude"
side arm in compliance with Argentine military standards.
Current or for the war period?
Personnel are to obey
"Personnel must to obey"
orders felt to deviate from this are to be reported
"deviations are to be reported" to who?
Personnel are also advised that RPC-845 cannot be dissuaded from its belief that the Falklands War between Argentina and the United Kingdom is still ongoing.
"Attempt to dissuade RPC-XXX from its beliefs regarding the status of the Falklands War are currently prohibited." Detail those beliefs in the description, for example the 3rd paragraph as that where you mention demeanor.
The date "18/12/1980" is imprinted on the back of RPC-845's neck; this is believed to be its manufacturing date.
The date "18/12/1980" is imprinted on the back of RPC-845's neck; this is believed to be its manufacturing date.
Despite no obvious means of doing so, RPC-845 is also capable of perceiving auditory and visual stimuli, and of verbal communication.
"RPC-845 is capable of verbal dialogue1 as well as receiving auditory and visual stimuli, despite a lack of obvious sensory organs."
the Rioplatense dialect of Spanish
"Rioplatense Spanish"
RPC-845 demonstrates physical abilities beyond the capacity of baseline humans.
"RPC-845 demonstrates extraordinary physical ability."
It is able to lift loads in excess of 350 kg, and can run at a rate of 40 km/h
"It is able to lift loads in excess of 350 kg, and can run at a rate of 40 km/h "
sounds at infrasonic frequencies below 20 Hz and ultrasonic frequencies above 20 kHz.
"sounds at infrasonic and ultrasonic frequencies beyond the human standard of 20Hz - 20kHz."
as well as visual magnification of up to 15x without loss of clarity.
"as well as visual magnification of up to 15x with minimal loss of resolution."
might also possesses limited
"might also posses limited"
managing to kill three of the British agents, capture a fourth, and drive the remaining two men into retreat single-handedly, and attempting to pursue these agents before being ordered to stand down.
"managing to single-handedly eliminate three of the British agents, capture a fourth, and drive the remaining two men into retreat before attempting a pursuit halted by an order to stand down."
Monarch Security as to its nature
"Monarch Security regarding its nature"
with Monarch Security already being aware of its existence from these previous encounters
"with Monarch Security already being aware of its existence from these previous encounters"
control it in the long-term.
"control it in the future."
RPC-845 was initially taken to Site-254 to begin containment; however, RPC-845 apparently interpreted this as it being captured by British forces and taken to a POW camp.
"RPC-845 was initially taken to Site-254 to begin containment; an act interpreted by RPC-845 as capture and imprisonment by British forces."
necessitating increased security that began to strain Site-254's resources.
"necessitating increased security expenses."
During Incident-845-37, RPC-845 breached containment and successfully escaped the facility, also releasing three other humanoid RPC anomalies under the belief that they were fellow POWs.
"During Incident-845-37, RPC-845 breached containment and successfully escaped the facility, along with three other humanoid anomalies under the belief of being fellow POWs."
but RPC-████ was never recaptured and is believed to have left Earth.
"is suspected to have gone extra-terrestrial." Or "is suspected to have left Earth."
initially designated OL-Site-845, was constructed during the next month and RPC-845's initial superiors
"initially designated OL-Site-845, was constructed during the next month and RPC-845's original superiors"
"reassigned" it to that facility soon afterwards.
""reassigned" it soon afterwards."
RPC-845 has remained cooperative with Authority personnel since this time,
"RPC-845 has remained cooperative with Authority personnel since this time,"
, and OL-Site-845 was eventually cleared for containment of other Alpha- and Beta-Class anomalies and designated Site-426.
", OL-Site-845 was eventually designated Site-845 in conjunction with gaining clearance for containment of other Alpha- and Beta-Class anomalies."
RPC-845 in a more informal matter, hoping to gain a greater insight into RPC-845's psyche and potentially develop a rapport with it.
"RPC-845 in a more informal manner, aiming to gain a greater insight into RPC-845's psyche and potentially develop rapport."
Ah, but excitement is not why we do it now is it? We do it because it is our duty as soldiers.
"Ah, but excitement takes a seat behind out duty as soldiers, does it not?"
But I wonder, why is it that you chose such duties?
"But I wonder, why is it that you chose such obligations?"
what then would I be?
"what then would I be?"
I believe that we have both reached the end of our work
"I believe that we have both completed our work"
Footnotes
1. So you can use communicates in the next sentence without it sounding repetitious
with Dr. ███████, Agent ██████, and Agent ███████ as its superior officers. At least one of these personnel must be on duty at all times to ensure that RPC-845 does not conclude that it is the acting superior officer of Site-426.
Unnecessary censorship. If the agents are vital to the anomaly's containment, the reader should know their names.
but has demonstrated a basic understanding of English
This is good, however, I would add a footnote that puts the anomaly's understanding of English on the CEFR scale: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_European_Framework_of_Reference_for_Languages
RPC-845 was initially taken to Site-254 to begin containment;
I'd put:
RPC-845 was initially taken to Site-254 for containment
The original Colonel was a historically significant article, but it showed its age, so rewriting it is a good way to make lemonade from the deletion. It's a shame the original slot is taken; I wonder if I could bribe Oak to move his.
The changes were chosen wisely; honing the original conprots and description but replacing the redundant test logs and note with new narrative content was the right call. I still have minor gripes with the updated parts that I discuss in the line-for-line, but it's mostly well-executed. I especially appreciated the diegetic world details in the description, allowing the rewrite to add depth without being indulgently long-winded; this is how it's done!
Conversely, I take issue with the history section's vagueness. The information density is noticeably low here, with sentences abstract and sometimes redundant. It needs at least one more pass; it could do much better to characterize the anomaly, its history, and the events in general. It's the most clearly lacking part that I wouldn't advise you publish without refining.
My concerns lie with the ending. The delivery isn't the issue; I figure the "war machine that thinks the war is still happening" is a tired trope that you wanted to expand upon, but revealing that it secretly knows the war isn't over but can't admit it is probably the most predictable followup beat. Still — I spoke of this in another crit yesterday — predictability wouldn't be an issue were there much else to the plot.
The anomaly hardly exhibits any character before this scene, let alone dialogue, and only impersonal details even suggested ardency in its convictions. If anything, its willingness to confess in 30 seconds gives the impression it doesn't really care who knows. This is what I tend to call an "unearned ending"; the article goes from austerity and politics to soapy hamfistedness in seconds. If the Authority isn't planning some intervention, the instant counseling recommendation is odd, too; the anomaly doesn't seem unstable. I'd be happier if the article had or built an emotional precedent, but otherwise it's an alien snapshot. We visit these characters late in their journey, which was understandably done to cut the boring stuff, but it's through "boring stuff" that articles like RPC-880 make an impact when they go off the rails. At the very least, this draft had time for foreshadowing, but it wasn't exploited at all.
Don't get me wrong; I think cutting some boring stuff was a smart move in this case, as I said before. I don't think this is a terrible ending either. It's definitely superior to the original. I'm more miffed by what it didn't do for me than what it did. If I read this casually, I'd probably feel fine about it. Critically, I have some misgivings, but the overall package is serviceable. I'd hope, though, that it can come together to something slightly more effecting.
RPC-845 in Containment
Unnecessary capitalization.
the Falkland Islands Government, and restricted from
Unnecessary comma.
to ensure that RPC-845 does not conclude that it is the acting superior officer
Slightly repetitive wording; a variation like "conclude itself to be" might help.
Argentine military personnel, and are to
Unnecessary comma.
white-colored
You could just say "white".
It requires no known power source.
This sentence feels out of place because the subject is ambiguous and there isn't yet (or ever, really) an expectation for RPC-840 to require power. I could see where the idea comes from after "mechanical humanoid construct," but this sentence could be safely cut.
RPC-845 is sapient, and capable of motion.
Unnecessary comma.
RPC-845 is capable of verbal dialogue as well as receiving auditory and visual stimuli, despite a lack of obvious sensory organs.
Repetitive wording with the previous sentence ("RPC-845 is capable of"). "Verbal dialogue" is a pleonasm. I'd change "despite a lack of" to "despite lacking" for brevity's sake and move that part to the start of the sentence to fix the mild dangling modifier. This and the previous sentence basically function as a unit, and I think they could be merged or divided differently for a more coherent order.
Rating at the B2 level on the CEFR scale.
I think you meant "Rated at the […]"? The tense is strange. Also, Wikipedia link? I prefer to look it up myself if I'm interested, but I guess there's no reason to complain. This is a rare case in which Wikidot's built-in Wikipedia link code would come in handy, just so you know.
no records confirming this have been found within the files of the Argentine Ministry of Defense but circumstantial evidence indicates it was likely the result of a secret military project.
It's not clear what "this" refers to in "no records confirming this". It's preferable to say something along the lines of "no records matching this name", yada yada.
The second half of this sentence is really clumsy, both for its casual wording and for the sudden, inexplicable, vague information that's not quickly followed up on.
It is able to lift loads in excess of 350 kg, and run at a rate of 40 km/h for up to half an hour at a time. It is capable of detecting sounds at infrasonic and ultrasonic frequencies beyond the human standard of 20Hz-20kHz. It is also capable of switching to limited thermal imaging and of low-light amplification via CMOS sensors, as well as visual magnification of up to 15x with minimal loss of resolution.
These three sentences read almost identically, with only the extra clause at the end breaking up the pace. It feels amateurish. There's an unnecessary comma in the first sentence.
Specifying "beyond the human standard […]" in the second sentence is redundant because that's what infrasonic and ultrasonic mean; alternatively, you could emphasize only that part with something like "capable of detecting frequencies far beyond the human audible range." Either way, it's sloppy to say both.
However, RPC-845 also requires regular periods of reduced activity at least three times a week, usually lasting 12 hours.
"However" is a funny way to introduce this property, as if you're selling me the object and conceding a flaw.
for use later
For later use.
RPC-845 might also possess limited self-repairing capabilities.
This is a strangely direct note, like an admission that you weren't totally set on this part. In-universe, what evidence is there to suggest this, but not confirm it? What does it entail?
RPC-845 is generally passive in most situations and has been described as "friendly" by personnel at Site-426, but displays extreme hostility towards persons wearing uniforms used by the British military prior to 1982.
I find it's hard to appreciate this description because I haven't been given any impression of what RPC-845 actually does, especially without a functional weapon. "Displays extreme hostility" and, to a lesser extent, "is generally passive" are both high-level interpretations of more tangible actions. Does it get verbally angry, or does it physically attack me? Is it going to whip me with that non-functional side arm?
however, RPC-845 was convinced by personnel that RPC-668 is a POW imprisoned within Site-426, and has subsequently refrained from antagonizing it.
This is getting kind of tangential, so I feel it should be a footnote instead (with no "however").
A minor engagement during the Falklands War; officially fought between members of the British Special Air Service and the Argentine 601 Commando Company, in reality the British paratroopers were acting as agents of Monarch Security.
This is okay, but I would rearrange the punctuation to avoid the impression of a run-on: swap the semicolon and comma and add a second comma after "reality". By the way, the manner in which this link interacts with the ending punctuation is inconsistent with footnote 1, which minorly offends me.
managing to kill three of the British agents, capture a fourth, and drive the remaining two men into retreat single-handedly, and attempting to pursue these agents before being ordered to stand down.
I think you should move "single-handedly" earlier, after "managing to". I'd split off the last part ("attempting to pursue […]") into a new sentence.
Agent Avelardez reported this incident, and the Authority began making inquiries with the Argentine government and Monarch Security as to its nature as well as covering up RPC-845's involvement with the skirmish.
Specifying that the covert agent reported back is kind of dead weight; you can leave it to assumption. The other two parts are strangely vague; the latter does have an elaborating footnote, but I find myself wanting it in the sentence proper, which is otherwise distractingly nondescript.
existence. As
This is fine, but a semicolon would be neater here.
The Authority began pressuring the Argentine government to rein in RPC-845 and maintain its secrecy, but in early July 1982, the Argentine government asked the Authority to take possession of RPC-845
Not incorrect, but queer: the first clause followed by "but" creates the expectation that the Argentine government would go against the demands, but the result is actually the opposite.
RPC-████ and RPC-████ were recaptured within a week but RPC-████ was never recaptured and is believed to have left Earth.
Add a comma before "but". This line is priceless, by the way.
submitted a new containment proposal
We all know what this refers to, but it is a little odd to say "a new proposal" without explaining it, as if to suggest this is some intermediate proposal that has been or will be replaced. Something like "suggested the current containment protocols" might do better.
the next month and RPC-845's original
You could put a comma here, as they're two distinct sentences.
Alpha- and Beta-Class anomalies
"Class" needs no capitalization. I see why you chose to put the hyphen after "Alpha", but to me it seems stranger than without.
you'll be overseeing them with me of course.
I'd add a comma before "of course."
Not the most exciting phase of our military careers I imagine.
Likewise, before "I imagine."
Ah, but excitement is not why we do it now is it?
Again, this time before "now is it".
Dr. ██████ suggested that RPC-845 also begin to undergo psychological counseling for depression and inferiority complex.
Parallelism fault: "psychological counseling for […] inferiority complex." (At least, I think? Generally, one would say "an inferiority complex".)
Containment Protocols Section
Use of passive voice : Some sentences, like "Elephant Jason Island has been designated a nature preserve," could benefit from active voice for a more immediate tone.
Consistency in Personnel References: You switch between naming personnel (e.g., Dr. Cabrera) and referring to them generally (e.g., "these personnel"). Being consistent will improve readability.
Clarity in Orders: The line "Personnel are to obey orders… orders felt to deviate from this…" could be more explicit about the limits of these orders.
Description Section
Physical Stats: "Standing at 189 cm tall, and with an approximate mass of 500 kg" could be more concise, like "189 cm tall with an estimated mass of 500 kg."
Tone Consistency: Phrasing like "however" and "despite" can sound a bit too conversational. Consider tighter, more formal transitions.
Incident Descriptions: Some sections, like "RPC-845 breached containment and successfully escaped the facility," would benefit from a more precise description of the breach.
/forum/t-17083068/rpc-draft-the-colonel#post-