http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/sandbox-thingy-majig-or-however-you-spell-that-idk
This is a kinda short article. If you have any thing you want me to add or remove, then feel free to tell me in the comments.
Beet
You using photo of diorama model.
I haven't done a critique of the article in English yet; I haven't even managed to do much of anything like that. For now, I'm giving my brief thoughts on the work without grammar, because I have a lot of problems with it myself.
The main concern of mine is how RPC-096-1 to -3 lacks more info and/or information are provided. As for Con. Prot. I couldn’t tell anything, because it’s 1–2 sentences and they are general, which is neither bad nor good either. In the description segment when I first read, I was having issues, because I missed additional information about things like: ‘What type of harm is the deal?', ‘Does other subjects hit each other, or it’s from an unnamed force?’ etc. It can also be expanded to reference the series and maybe help the in-universe med staff with dealing with damages. On the next paragraph, it describes that there could be another instance, and ‘expiring’, so there’s more that RPC knows, but it is not included in the article. You can provide a backstory that RPC creates within CSD a double in case of death of one of the characters, but this is something I made up on the spot. And one more nitpick is that how Authority know that object can be neutralized, in the end of the year, I just feel redundant.
As for the rest, like providing a quote block to drawing…
> //Dead Dunderheads, a fan film by Austin Jekel.//
> //Have a good laugh!//…I have a feeling that this is such an average but at the same time empty work, and I think that something could be added (even something different from what I suggested), so that it could add "character" to the work. I hope this doesn't jinx you and I hope you can figure something out.
…
Thanks for the critique. I'll add some more to it when I have the time.
Beet
You have a decent idea here; the Three Stooges go through a lot of pain, and that can make for some good horror. My main problem is that there's a lot of fluff that can be trimmed and that the idea is still underdeveloped. This anomaly apparently affects everyone around the world who even resembles the Three Stooges. How does the Authority even correlate the victims to the anomaly at this rate? I feel like the article would be better served if it only affected people watching the TV set as opposed to everyone in the world.
RPC-096 is contained within a standard containment locker.
Where is the standard containment locker? I would specify the site and area of the site, i.e. Site 33's East Containment Wing.
RPC-096-1 through -3 have been placed within the custody of the RPC, and are contained within seperate humanoid containment chambers. Medical personnel are to be stationed outside their containment chambers at all times and are to attend to any one of the instances should they sustain an injury as a result of RPC-096.
I'd change this to:
The current RPC-096-1-3 instances within Authority custody are contained within separate humanoid containment chambers (in… Are they held at separate sites? It could be a good opportunity to see how far this thing's power extends). Medical personnel are to tend to RPC-096-1-3 should they sustain injuries as a result of RPC-096.
In the event one of them should expire, Individuals across the world baring appearances similar to either Moe Howard, Louis Feinberg or Jerome Lester Horwitz are to be monitored for any behaviours associated with the characters in question.
I've said this before, but the implications of this bother me. There are at least a few hundred million people that resemble the Stooges. Does the anomaly choose more than three people, or just three? How does the Authority even know who the instances are most of the time?
Upon confirmation that they have been converted, they are to be immediately apprehended and placed within the custody of the RPC.
I'd put:
The new RPC-096-1-3 instances are to be apprehended upon confirmation of their existence.
RPC-096 is a diorama model television produced during the 1930s that is completely non-functional, regardless of if it is connected to a power source or not.
The impression I get is that 096 is basically a model/toy, would it be necessary to denote that it wouldn't have a feature it wouldn't normally have? Also, the next sentence somewhat contradicts the last:
At random intervals, it will power on
to show an episode of The Three Stooges, a comedy group dating back to the same time when RPC-096 was created.
I'd phrase it like:
to show an episode of The Three Stooges, a popular comedic television program popular during RPC-096's assumed time of creation.
Also, I think you could do more to describe the footage. Is it in color? Black and white? What kind of resolution are they in? Does the footage's quality change depending on the year it's active in, or does it always look the same?
However, the episodes shown by 096 don't match any pre-existing episodes, and appear to have been made by a third party other than C3 Entertainment, the current owners of the trademark.
Here's how I'd phrase it:
Footage broadcasted by RPC-096 do not coresspond to pre-existing episodes of the program and apepar to have been produced by a third party unrelated to C3 Entertainment or any previous rightsholders of the intellectual property.
Also, the article gives us the name of the anomaly's creator, maybe now would be a good time to bring that up.
Episodes broadcast by RPC-096 are usually more violent than non-anomalous episodes of The Three Stooges,
I'd alter this to:
Episodes broadcasted by RPC-096 tend to feature more realistic depictions of violence when compared to non-anomalous episodes of The Three Stooges,
with injuries being far more extreme but not causing any physical harm to characters.
This sentence is contradictory. Are they suffering injuries, or do they show no signs of physiccal harm? Are they internal injuries?
The stooges themselves appear to be portrayed by unknown individuals who slightly resemble the stooges,
I'd change this to:
The eponymous characters are protrayed by unidentified individuals who bare a slight resemblance to the actors who originally depicted the stooges.(Footnote)
and it has been noted by viewers that they will occasionally glance at the camera with a frightened or worried look on their face. On some broadcasts, they will break character and attempt to beg for help from the viewer, however, these do not have any effects on viewers.
I'd split this off into its own sentence and phrase it like:
The actors will occasionally show signs of distress and have been known to break character, begging to the audience (or an unknown entity) to help them. These pleas are not known to have any anomalous properties.
The anomalous qualities of RPC-096 will manifest upon any of the three stooges being harmed.
I'd change it to:
RPC-096's secondary anomalous qualities manifest when any of the title characters suffer an injury during the program.
Depending on which character is attacked, an individual resembling that character will begin to suffer pain based on what injury the character sustained.
Here's what I'd write:
Three individuals resembling the Three Stooges, hereby referred to as RPC-096-1-3, will suffer injuries reminiscent of those suffered by the characters in the program.
Also, how does the anomaly select its targets? We know it goes after people resembling the stooges, but aside from that, is it random? Does it go after three specific people?
Once an individual has been converted into an instance, no other subjects matching these criterias can be converted until the previous instance expires.
I'd put:
Once the three RPC-096 instances have been selected, no further instances may be selected until one of the previous instances expires.
Upon conversion, subjects will experience behaviours and personality changes often associated with one of the stooges, and will become violent to the other instances should they be in the same room together.
I'd phrase it as:
Upon conversion, the subjects' behavior and personality traits will alter to resemble those of their respective character, and will display violent behavior to one another upon making visual contact.
It is believed that due to the lack of individuals who resemble The Three Stooges, RPC-096 may be re-designated as Neutralised by the end of the year.
I'm sorry, but this makes no sense. There are a lot of people that look like the stooges, it's not like there's some slowly dying Stooge ethnicity.
Suggestion: How about the three subjects exposed to the TV program begin to physically resemble the Stogoes as well?
There's potential here, but it hasn't been realized yet. I give it a 2/5, but it could easily be a 3 or 4/5 if you trim some of the fat and develop the muscles.