Hello! I'd like to thank all who crit!
Mr Makor
DoubleDenial
Abbefalkon (x2)
Original Forum: http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/forum/t-16934624/kettle-s-purple-palmed-wallaby (Sandbox may be used for other projects)
Rough sketch of RPC-381 made by Funhouse
I worked a while on this.
Has a lot of potential, but not much of it displayed. The animal testing logs could have explored more interesting interactions than a coin flip of "no interaction / death". The chicken test log was at least funny. The rest I found lacking.
Added some crit below. My main issues are clinical tone, verbosity and some of the structure. Apply to the best of your judgment.
█ - Red text to indicate advised deletion.
█ - Green text to indicate advised addition.
█ - Orange text to call to attention.
RPC-381 entities must are to be contained in a 37m33 heat-resistant, soundproof vivarium with a thick glass roof. Australian flora (native to RPC-381's natural habitat) must be are planted and maintained by personnel bi-daily. The bundle must only have not exceed 17 members, with all offspring relocated to Area-██ for environmental study. Enrichment may be provided if the bundle is stressed, but removed once eased.
Since this is a wallaby species, wouldn't the flock term be "mob", "troupe" or "court" instead of a bundle? This would be applied on any mention of the word. And enrichment seems to be the wrong term here. Gratification is, but as a noun it’s awkward. Try
If the mob shows any signs of stress, the use of gratifying items is advised till the instances are docile again.
instead.
The maintenance team must check the pond inside the containment daily The pond inside the containment chamber is to be inspected daily for contaimation. If 45% contaminated, contact the AWTD1 (Authority Water Treatment Department) for inspection de-contamination.
Put in bracket sentence into a footnote.
Physical contact with RPC-381 entities require permission from the research director. Causing RPC-381 entities stress may result in termination of employment.
Why the research director instead of site director? Also the first time I hear of the former but that could just be me.
RPC-381 entities are small, golden-brown marsupials2 roughly 0.5-meters tall (standing upright) and 1.2 meters long. RPC-381 entities are omnivores but avoid eating meat if plants are available. RPC-381's palms are coated in a purple gelatinous substance that contains of an unknown chemical compound. Physical contact with the substance will result in a searing effect, causing up to second-degree burns on human flesh contact.
The leader of a bundle, or the alpha male, may have anywhere from 1 or to 2 female mates excluding its leading main partner. The whole bundle resides in a burrow created using their palms to burn away rocks and sand A mob uses its palms to smelt and dig a burrow for themselves to reside in.
RPC-381's pouches contain a miniature pocket dimension only the explicit carrier can access, observed to be used for storing items. Additionally, the entities are known to throw orbs of steel or iron from their pocket dimension when threatened When threatened, instances will throw orbs of steel and iron from their pocket dimension. The pouches can store anything except foreign animal biomass, which seems to cause RPC-381 entities a great deal of pain. Where these orbs come from is unknown; many researchers speculate they utilize iron and carbon molecules from food they store in their pocket dimension to craft them. All RPC-381 entities naturally have this pocket dimension.
4th footnote describes the deceased as an exception, but I figure you ought to mention sentience in this matter since other biologically “alive” items like a dead lizard fit in there. I assume if millions of living cells after the lizard’s death is fine would mean we’re talking sentience as a condition. Clarify this.
RPC-381 entities are apathetic to humans if at a distance. Once approached, they become more inquisitive. This is not the case for other species, as they will openly terminate or injure creatures they interpret as a threat. RPC-381 entities will take defensive positions when under pressure and fling orbs in random directions until the threat has ceased.
This paragraph doesn’t describe the wallabies’ behavior very well, since there were times it did not kill a capybara, raccoon, etc. It just confuses the reader moving forward. I suggest it reworded to
RPC-381 instances are docile in nature unless they believe to be threatened, in which case they will either pursue and neutralize the perceived threat or take a defensive position and fling orbs in an indiscriminate manner.
RPC-381 entities were was discovered by well-known world-renowned wildlife researcher, Dr. Winston Kettle on 2/9/2012 in northwestern Australia. Initial documentation featured a light rough sketch, a brief description of the entity, and a 2-minute long video of Dr. Kettle interacting with an entity. It was not until he observed an entity pulling an assortment of leaves from its pouch when he concluded it was something else all together.
“An assortment of leaves” doesn't sound that notable or special. I fail to believe this would be the first thing that concluded this isn’t a normal wallaby when both males and females had the pouches as well. That’s easier to notice.
Speaking of which, if you meant it notable by volume, mention something like "5 liters worth of assorted leaves". Although I would mention the pouch anomaly instead of the leaves.
Following official documentation of his discovery, the RPC Authority took notice of his unique observations. A mobile specialized team was sent to the presumed location of the alleged marsupials to investigate them. Once safely contained, they were transported to Site-004 for study A mobile specialized team was sent to locate and contain the marsupials in question, which were transported to Site-004.
We recorded them from the a distance using our equipment
- Dr. Winston Kettle has contributed greatly in regards to RPC-381's research. Though, it is a shame we will have to prescribe him amnestics for his awareness. This interview gave us almost all the basic information we needed. His team was already taken care of.
Uncharacteristic to note this grief for routine RPC procedure.
The entities eased down became docile once the sounds were heard, but the damages inflicted were severe not before causing heavy damage to the containment chamber. The bundle was tranquilized and brought off-site until their containment chamber was repaired during repair of the containment chamber.
You mean when the construction noise went out? If you meant music to soothe them it’s not easily inferred without mentioning it first.
I suggest Incident-012 be placed after the test logs. That way Dr. Henry’s note has more impact.
This quickly resulted in the entity lion's termination before it could do anything.
One entity approached the subject and unknowingly agitated the subject One 381 instance approached the subject and accidentally agitated it, resulting in its termination. The other bundle members threw steel orbs at the subject; however, it swiftly avoided them and terminated four more entities before getting hit##.
Hard to believe it managed to neutralize 4 instances while simultaneously avoiding a barrage of flaming steel orbs. Needs rewording.
I suggest you add “causing the mob to collectively assault the subject. To note, the subject was still targeted as it attempted to flee the assault, to which it was neutralized”.
No interaction for twelve minutes. The subject approached a female entity and ████ ██████ ██. This caused an immediate negative reaction from the bundle. The moment the subject finished and fled, the bundle followed and terminated it.
Replace fled to ran, since fled implies it actually got away.
During a site-wide containment breach at Site-004 (add a date here), another a detainee locked another, CSD-7612, inside RPC-381's vivarium. For two hours, CSD-7612 tirelessly avoided all RPC-381 interactions. Eventually, he caught the bundle's attention, and they swarmed him. While i Initially thought to be dead, CSD-7612 was later found relaxing and eating berries provided to him by the females of the bundle.
The bundle roamed around their sector for around 3 hours; retaliating against personnel who attempted to tranquilize them. Outside the facility, the cyclone grew in strength; thunderbolts struck the ground above the surface which sent the bundle into panic. Substantial damage to the sector occurred, and numerous personnel were knocked unconscious. The sector was blockaded by ASF operatives until the cyclone concluded. Calming, therapeutic audio of ocean waves was sent into the location to pacify the bundle, resulting in success successfully mediating the situation. The bundle ceased further hostility and resumed regular behavior. After the generator's repair, the RPC-381 entities was were lured back into their containment using an assortment of vegetables.
Unnecessary to detail the method to which they lured them.
After 5 hours of searching a regional search, 7 RPC-381 entities were discovered █ kilometers away from Port Hedland. The division attempted to lure them into a containment box using vegetables, however this resulted in failure as the group was preoccupied. Agent Yosif approached the RPC-381 entities only to be barraged and terminated with approximately eighty four steel orbs. The division retreated behind a large boulder took cover until the barrage concluded.
Large boulder is an unnecessary detail.
Reinforcements arrived and quickly tranquilized the breached RPC-381 entities before retaliation was met. They were contained shortly after The breached instances were swiftly tranquilized before any possible retaliation, and were returned to containment.
Also, if you’re interested in myself illustrating this “rough sketch” you mentioned do say. :3
I kinda find applying crit to an already published article kinda redundant, I view that as a step in the forum part of article creation. The only thing I will update is the new description for their behavior.
But if you wanna draw that, by all means go ahead. It's your call if you want to do so.
