The Asylum
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/big-mark-asylum
Another blast from 2022. Have fun critting it!
Marco Marchi B. Mark
The Asylum
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» The Asylum
Summary:
Meta-Imaginariums, dreams, and the heredity of a nazi experiment looming over.
Containment Protocols
Determined to be five kilometers2, the surveyed territory is to be patrolled on a constant basis by Authority Security Forces. In the event of an external breach, on-location personnel are to follow standard security protocols.
TO
Authority Security Forces must constantly patrol the surveyed territory, which was determined to be a five-kilometer2 radius. In an external breach event, on-location personnel must follow standard security protocols.
Personnel are prohibited from accessing from the property further without appropriate authorization and equipment. If authorized for exploration, a Mark IV Personal Reality Stabilisation Device is to be carried and accompanied by an ASF exploration team.
TO
Personnel can only access the property with appropriate authorization and equipment. If authorized to examine the premises, the ASF exploration team must carry and accompany a Mark IV Personal Reality Stabilisation Device.
Description
RPC-679 is an abandoned psychiatric hospital in the Outskirts of Berlin, Germany. The structure appears in average conditions, bearing clear signs of wear and negligence. It is structurally divided in three wards, with a fourth being located underground and, to this day, inaccessible.
TO
RPC-679 is an abandoned psychiatric hospital in the Suburbs of Berlin, Germany. Its design and structural architecture are for a rudimentary early 20th-century construction. The hospital has many indications of negligence, such as overgrown vines, uncut grass, broken windows, and graffiti. Structurally, the premessis is divided into three wards, with a fourth located underground, and is, to this day, inaccessible.
Beyond what I've suggested above, I don't see many more grammatical errors or off-putting sentences. Enjoy the crit!
I'll echo my thoughts from discord here. This is more of a review than crit honestly.
This doesn't appeal to me. There is a mystery dug into this I could barely infer, but the writing and characters are not interesting enough to incentivize me to look any closer. The letters don't do anything aside from nudging you hints from a brilliant scientist, an astronaut at war with aliens and a haunted forest. All of whom beg you to elaborate on them or their worlds, but only offer narrative quirks solely to one point.
And when explained on discord, this mystery itself is bare-bones to begin with. I honestly find character exploration into the three patients more interesting that using their letters as a vehicle for the conspiracy. Both the characters and mystery need work.
Thread restored by author request after a 100-day timeout archival.
This anomaly is, at its core, five worlds connected by a hub. Of those six worlds, I'd say only two are explored in interesting and fun ways, and not one is ever described with lucidity. The amount of lost potential is staggering, and I'd suspect your biggest hurdle in writing it is coming up with a sensible order. However, in its current state, I can't say I wish this were longer. With a draft that's already this lengthy, how could one expand it without making it arduous?
My first impression is that some parts can be merged. The ACI report is only five paragraphs; it might fit into the description at the start. In fact, I found it jarring to ping-pong from asylum description to entity description, back to the asylum, and then back to the entities. If this merge were made, the report's image could decorate the draft's otherwise plain beginning. And as I just implied, you could probably also merge the two entity-related tabviews, especially if none of the characters are going to interact with each other; in that case, separating the interviews from the entity descriptions is only to clarity's detriment.
This premise obviously draws comparisons to RPC-929, which does a much better job of developing its world. Some of that is because it specifically focused on one world, but even so, look at how RPC-929 clarifies exactly what it means to step into its dimension from the outset. This draft never even does that. Even from a glance, this draft looks malnourished, with incredibly short sections and back-to-back paragraphs that are one or two sentences long.
Palpability is a real problem. Riddle me this: why does it matter that there are three wards? None are ever described. I don't even know which ward contains which imaginarium. Nothing about the state of the asylum's interior is ever described at all, and since that's the setting for the whole article, it's kind of a big deal. Why should I care about the fourth ward when you didn't care enough to explain the first three?
The other worlds only get about two paragraphs of description each, so I don't think I'm going to shock you by saying they're equally embryonic (with some credit to those two that went further in their respective interviews). The whole point of imaginariums is to go wild with otherworldly imagery and events; this is just saddening. Oh yeah, and while I'm talking about realism, where did the second and third documents even come from? For that matter, where did the fourth come from? It just said they "were able to recover" it. Even the moments in which you could've developed the world without going out of your way missed the mark.
The draft is at its best when we're hopping through fictional worlds and engaging with them. It was between the second and third documents that I actually began to think, "this is an enjoyable read." The characters are goofy, and the situations are fun! Albeit, it would be better if the agents had stronger personalities and contrasted more against the backdrops of the imaginariums, and the logs are all talk and no action; I'd like to hear about those journeys they went on before the interviews, at least. Regardless, I was genuinely excited to hear from the fourth "patient", the most mysterious and troubled of them all… and then it was just RPC-004 again.
This where the weaknesses of this draft's approach become apparent. First off, that handwriting font is nasty, which was a problem with the first document, too. Furthermore, this demonstrates the ineffectuality of the overarching story, which is a common shortcoming for this kind of piece that I'm weirdly proud to say plagued my own first draft; when an entire story is couched in esoteric clues and guesswork, you don't have much of a story. It was good enough for the previous three because the characters were likable and our "mystery man" was tinted by the stories' settings, but here it really runs thin.
I think I've already said everything I would about the ending by now. The description is far too scrappy and uninformative, and the final message is… fine. Division 17 is a mystery that came in at the eleventh hour, but this whole draft was a tangent, and not usually a very thoughtful one. I almost forgot there was a fourth ward, because wards one to three never mattered. The imaginariums barely mattered. What actually did matter? We never meet these guys again, or the worlds they were in. Shouldn't there be a climax where we get into a high-stakes situation with our new friends, or at least some new information that recontextualizes everything we've been through? WHAT ABOUT THE FRIENDS WE MADE ALONG THE WAY, DAMMIT?
I wouldn't care so much if there weren't so much potential in the setting, the imagery, the setup, the characters… but it's not a finished story. I know you want to post this now, but I won't have it. It might be hard, but so be it. Good writing takes effort. A great foundation for writing deserves effort.
(Oh yeah, and the formatting is kind of ugly throughout, which is a big deal for an image-focused article.)
Determined to be five kilometers2
This is an awkward way to start, since it's a modifier that doesn't make sense until you read ahead. At the very least, I'd push it inwards after the subject: "The surveyed territory, determined to be five kilometers2, […]".
RPC-679 is an abandoned psychiatric hospital in the Outskirts of Berlin, Germany.
"Outskirts" shouldn't be capitalized. "On the outskirts" is preferable to "in the outskirts", as "outskirts" refers to the edge.
It is divided in three wards, with a fourth being located underground and currently inaccessible.
"Divided in" should be "divided into", and if there are four wards then you should say it's divided into four wards. I'd slash "being" from the latter clause, as it makes the whole sentence smoother. I'd probably also find a way to bring the footnote into the sentence, as it's important information and this description is tiny as-is; e.g. "The hospital is divided into four wards; the fourth, built several years after the others, is located underground and currently inaccessible."
After remaining within the structure for a time window between forty-eight to ninety-six hours, physical effects will appear on subject.
Besides the missing article on "subject", this is generally a very poor sentence, with a dangling modifier and a crude and ambiguous final clause. You also don't specify who the subject is. I'd elaborate and put the subject at the start of the sentence, e.g. "Human[?] subjects that remain within the structure will begin to display psychological symptoms after forty-eight to ninety-six hours."
The bullet list is disorganized and lacks rigor. "General discomfort" includes "nausea and/or dizziness" but not "fatigue"?
The 4 entities confined within RPC-679
Every other number so far has been rendered as a word, and this looks especially odd given the use of a single digit number with a footnote next to it. Also, these are human people — at least, the article pretty confidently asserts them to be so, so why call them "entities"? This introduction is vague and confusing.
Each of these entities is located within a specific, disclosed area or of the Asylum between the three wards transformed into a meta-imaginarium.
Besides the stray "or" in the middle of the sentence, I assume "between the three wards" means something to the effect of "within one of the three wards", but since the three wards make up the entire known area of the asylum, it's superfluous. Also, "Asylum" shouldn't be capitalized.
How these constructed meta-imaginariums manifested is unknown.
Useless sentence.
Based on the information gathered, some of these entities may have been patients since the Second World War, but show no sign of decrepitation.
What "information gathered"? I'd also expand the last clause to "but none show any signs of decrepitation".
Any objecting originating from within the imaginarium cannot be carried outside of it, but the opposite has been proven possible.
Typo on "objecting", and "the opposite has been proven possible" is a tad too flowery. By the way, you just stated in the previous sentence that it was possible to carry things into it, so the second clause is probably unnecessary.
Add a line with ~~~~ at the end of tabs 1 and 4 so the images don't overflow outside the tabview. You don't have to use that nasty newline hack.
RPC-679-1 appears as a German field medic, wearing a hazmat suit typically worn by radiographers of the time, tending to the wounded.
"Tending to the wounded" is a dangling modifier and probably doesn't belong with this sentence about the entity's appearance.
RPC-679-1 is capable of identifying any kind of psychophysical anomaly within entities that reside in its space, whether part of it or external
You should clarify what "psychophysical anomaly" means. Given the previous usage of the word "anomaly", I would've assumed it to be in the RPC sense had the remainder of the sentence not suggested otherwise. "Whether part of it or external" is another vague dangling modifier.
composed only by RPC-679-2.
Only of. It's also confusing to introduce the word "the crew" only to reiterate that it's just one person.
RPC-679-3’s constructed space has been observed to be the biggest of all recorded others
It is impossible to be "the biggest of all recorded others" because "others" excludes oneself.
knight errant
Hyphenate.
the area is inhabited by hostile humanoid entities
These "hostile humanoid entities" are otherwise completely undescribed. How do they even cause fires?
These entities do not demonstrate sentience.
Do you mean sapience? If they demonstrate awareness of their surroundings, then they're at least sentient.
RPC-679-4 appears as a common human being, without any enhancing or abnormal capability.
The comma here is superfluous, and "enhanced" would probably be a better word.
It mainly resides in confined spaces within his constructed area
Inconsistent pronouns.
the facility was home to experiments of all kinds, from the research for biological weapons through the use of anomalies to the weaponisation of the former.
This is awkward wording that indicates you tried to come up with a list of two things and could only think of one. Does "the former" refer to "biological weapons" or "anomalies"? I figure you basically mean "the use of anomalous technology in the development of physical and biological weaponry."
eager to experiment the direct effect of anomalies on humans.
Experiment with.
surrendering of the Facility
Facility should not be capitalized
continued to use people with psychological disturbs.
Do you mean "disturbances"? And "use" them for what?
During this time are the first mentions of the Fourth Ward
This probably shouldn't be capitalized. It's technically up to your discretion, since this is your creation, but while there are several cases like this that I can't pinpoint as erroneous, this draft is generally overzealous with capitalization throughout.
previously used by GARD as the house for a secret, anomalous weapon project.
This is fishy, not what an intelligence document should sound like. The point is to investigate, not to cover it up with a vague summary that sounds like they know more than they were letting on.
The RPC-679 anomaly began manifesting
Weak phrasing.
The RPC-679 anomaly began manifesting in 1987, and was promptly abandoned shortly thereafter.
"The RPC-679 anomaly" was abandoned? Yes, RPC-679 can refer to the facility, but in this part of the story it is otherwise distinguished that RPC-679 is an anomaly affecting the facility.
With the fall of the Soviet Union and the Iron Initiative’s disbanded
"Disbandment" or "disbanding".
the Authority discovered and gained full control of the facility.
They "discovered" it? Did they know about it beforehand? Did they just happen upon it?
The following is a report on a joint effort between MST November-12 and RPC-679’s Research Team to establish first direct communication with the RPC-679-1 entities.
The article can be removed from "RPC-679-1 entities", but there should be one before "first direct communication". "Research Team" is another case of overzealous caps.
causes outside of the involved parties’ volition
Like..?
December 28th 2008
January 2nd 2009
January 7th 2009
January 15th 2009
Usually you'd put a comma before the year.
the kind gentlemen who had come
"Who have come".
It is a great pleasure to know that more people shall now know
Repetitive wording; how about replacing one with "hear" or "learn"?
if not even careless
I'd say to remove "even", because "careless" is not generally considered an extension of "well-mannered and understanding".
It’s all good
Anachronistic phrase.
I found myself rather perplexed at such dilemma
Missing article.
I understand the battlefield can turn people into curious individuals so I shall not doubt their intentions.
Missing comma.
27 years old; My family was wealthy
These sentences are unrelated and should not have a semicolon.
My family was wealthy and I was allowed to study in the best universities of Europe, becoming a world-renowned doctor across all the continents, before I decided to abandon my office for the battlefields of my proud land to serve a higher purpose here; through my breakthrough discoveries in medicine and my expertise, I am capable of assisting my fellow compatriots in this bleeding conflicts that’s tearing our world apart.
Break this up into more sentences. Also, there's a plurality mismatch at the end: "this bleeding conflicts that’s tearing our world apart."
When faced at this answer
Rephrase.
Sincerely, Your dear friend Doc. Picard
Extra capitalization of "Your".
While he floated out through his rocket-backpack to reach positions his feet would not allow him to, he saw walking down the yellowishs dunes of the moon.
Unfinished sentence, and typo on "yellowishs".
However, agents were able to recover a written excerpt during their expedition.
Where and how? That's pretty important information.
The punctuation in the poem is inconsistent. Some sentences end with punctuation, some just trail off.
7th July 2012
You were using the month-first formatting before.
designated entity RPC-679-5
You could say "the entity designated as RPC-679-5", or just say "RPC-679-5" and leave it up to inference. Honestly, it's strange that the document never mentions his existence beforehand.
entered a state of extreme stress, disorientation and aggressiveness
"Entered a state of" is weak wording. I'd also suggest you use the word "aggression" instead of "aggressiveness" and add the Oxford comma.
some undead creatures
More vague unexplained "creatures".
RPC-679-5 does not show any extraordinary characteristic unlike most his peers
This is not especially remarkable, considering he's not the only one with this trait anyway. I know that's what "most" means, but why is this considered exceptional when it wasn't for 679-4?
Upon discovering the Asylum
Lowercase "Asylum".
Even inquiring the other instances was fruitless
"Inquiring" isn't used like this; use instead, for instance, "questioning".
All we have on Division 17 is a half torn-apart paper written by Doctor Meyer, it is very vague and inconclusive.
Comma splice. You could say "[…] Meyer, which is […]".
He talks about wanting to confine it to the Fourth Ward, and bargaining it with the Russians.
Unnecessary comma.
which you can guess how hard that is
Replace "which" with "and". Also, "would be" makes more sense than "is" for this context.
We know for a fact that the anomaly only appeared when the Russians had gone far into their works here, and ran away with all the intel on their operations here.
Repetitive wording. "Had gone far into their works" is slightly awkward. Also, for a sentence that tries to express a timeline, this is really vague. An example of how to make it less vague — though I don't know if this is what you meant, because I can't tell — would be "only appeared after the Russians had gone far into their works here and ran away with the intel."
Or maybe I’m just proposing theories that have no empirical evidence.
This line feels like self-parody.
Maybe we are really sitting on top of an army of the dead, or maybe the anomaly is just messing with our brains, trying to turn our dreams - or nightmares - real.
This sentence is fine, but "real" is a jarringly curt ending. I expected something like, "into reality."
I will instead be referring to the anomaly as 796 after reading the Discord.
RPC-679 is an abandoned psychiatric hospital in the Outskirts of Berlin, Germany. The structure displays signs of wear and negligence.
Typo! Outskirts is capitalized.
It is divided in three wards, with a fourth being located underground1 and currently inaccessible.
Consider:
It is divided into four wards, with the fourth being located underground and currently inaccessible.
General discomfort, nausea and/or dizziness.
We should avoid the use of and/or, just use one or the other.
Each of these entities is located within a specific, disclosed area or of the Asylum between the three wards transformed into a meta-imaginarium.
Error: You have an "Or" in front of "Of" for some reason.
Upon accessing the constructed space,
Consider:
Upon entering the area,
although it may display more distressed and/or aggressive behaviour if external activity interferes with its work.
Consider:
although it may become distressed or agitated if prevented from performing its tasks.
RPC-679-1 is capable of identifying any kind of psychophysical anomaly within entities that reside in its space, whether part of it or external, possessing extensive knowledge of the discoveries in the fields of medicine and psychology up until the first years of the 1920s.
Suggestion: I would give a specific year to cap its knowledge at rather than just "the first years of the 1920s". It'd slightly shorten the article, too.
RPC-679-2 appears wearing an antique atmospheric diving suit. The entity is non-aggressive, but may be partially disturbed by external presence.
Consider:
RPC-796-2 is an entity clad in an antique atmospheric diving suit, c. (year).
I would also elaborate on "partially disturbed by external presence". How does it behave? Partially implies it tries to resume its duties, but what does it do when it sees someone? Do you have to interfere with the creature's work for it to be disturbed? There is more to be said!
RPC-796-2 does not appear to possess any particular knowledge granted to it by its own imaginarium, aside from fictional scientific knowledge it employs on the field.
Suggestion: Elaborate on what this knowledge entails. Also, I thought the imaginarium was implied to be themed around fictitious 1920s sci fi anyways?
RPC-679-3’s constructed space has been observed to be the biggest of all recorded others, being a physical manifestation of a fictional kingdom akin to those seen in fantasy media.
Consider:
RPC-796-3's constructed space is the largest observed ward of the four. The area resembles a fictitious kingdom akin to those seen in fantasy media.
RPC-679-3 appears as a knight errant undertaking tasks and quests on behalf of lords and kings of the kingdom;
Consider:
RPC-796-3 resembles popular depictions of knights and claims to be assigned to complete tasks on behalf of (unidentified?) lords and kings of the kingdom;
Suggestion: Perhaps he gives contradictory answers as to who he works for, or what the nature of his work his? He could claim to be a knight one moment and then a mercenary more akin to Conquistadors or Landsknecht the next.
the entity dons a sallet and a leather cuirass, armed with a steel halberd and capable of utilising a number of arcane arts to defend itself and/or attack.5
Consider:
the entity is clad in a sallet and leather cuirass and is armed with a steel halberd. RPC-796 is capable of manifesting anomalous abilities which it refers to as "arcane arts".
Suggestion: Elaborate on what the "arcane arts" are.
While not naturally aggressive, RPC-679-3 can initially be diffident and display antisocial behavior towards others. Provoking RPC-679-3 is strictly prohibited.
Consider:
While normally docile, RPC-796-3 has an at times diffident personality and may display antisocial behavior.
RPC-679-4’s constructed space is a wooded area without any discernible limit
I'm mildly confused. I thought the previous area was the largest? Or did you mean largest measured?
Aside from the main subject, the area is inhabited by hostile humanoid entities that actively seek out forms of life to terminate them, usually by causing major fires within the forest. These entities do not demonstrate sentience.
RPC-679-4 appears as a common human being, without any enhancing or abnormal capability. It mainly resides in confined spaces within his constructed area, and is non-cooperative towards outsiders.
Consider:
RPC-796-4 resembles an unordinary human… (description). It mainly resides in confined spaces within his constructed area and is uncooperative towards outsiders. It shares its residence with hostile humanoid entities designated RPC-796-?. RPC-796-? are robed humanoids clad in gasmasks and equipped with unidentified instruments which they use to spread fire across RPC-796-4's realm. RPC-796-? have not demonstrated sentience (sapience?).
First established contact was made with RPC-679-1,
Consider:
Contact with RPC-796-1 was first established on (date),
Before I begin, I would very much like to thank the kind gentlemen who had come to visit me. It is a great pleasure to know that more people shall now know about my actions here in the battlefield.
Suggestion: Replace "who had come" with "who came". I would also abbreviate "Shall know about my actions in the battlefield" to "Shall know of my wartime accomplishments.".
he saw walking down the yellowishs dunes of the moon.
What did he see exactly? Did you mean to say that the transitioned from using his rocketpack to walking, and then saw something, or do you mean he saw something walking down the moon?
All The Authority members could do was was watching him take off into the stars.
Typo: Replace "watching" with "watch".
Foreword: First attempts at communication with RPC-679-3 were met with open hostility, as the team had to flee multiple times from the attacks of the subject, rendering one member of the expedition team injured.
After the expedition team had relocated within a cave, planning to incapacitate the anomaly and force communication, they were attacked by the dragon residing within the cave, but promptly saved by RPC-679-3. After clarification, the anomaly agreed to walk with the team and answer their questions.
Consider:
Foreword: Initial attempts to communicate with RPC-796-3 were met with hostile responses, resulting in the exploration team suffering one injury while fleeing an attack from the subject. The team regrouped in a cave and planned to incapacitate the entity. However, a dragon-like entity discovered the team and attempted to terminate them. RPC-796-3 came to aid the team, resulting in one causality.
Peaceful, direct contact with RPC-679-4 was never established due to hostile interference.
Consider:
Direct contact with RPC-796-4 was never established due to the presence of RPC-796-? entities.
On 7th July 2012, designated entity RPC-679-5's meta-imaginarium ceased to exist. The subject, identified as GARD scientist Wilhelm Welzel, entered a state of extreme stress, disorientation and aggressiveness, and was promptly restrained and sedated. The following is the subject's documentation when still under the RPC-679-5 designation.
I know 796-5 is mentioned in a footnote earlier, but I think the article would flow better if you mentioned 796-5 earlier in the description and in the tabs, and clarify it was neutralized.
A small conflict that saw Germany go at odds with a native tribe, the Wahehe, during the last decade of the IXX Century.
Suggestion: Use "1891" instead of "The last decade of the IXX Century".
9. Upon discovering the Asylum, Authority personnel found some notes inside Meyer's personal archives that spoke of Division 17 and the inaccessible Fourth Ward.
I thought he lived on the Fifth Ward?
This is classic SCP/RPC fair: You've got a strange place inhabited by strange beings, all linked by a man of mystery. You've got a hook (Who are these people? Who is the "Sandman"?), and if you keep pushing a bit farther, you'll have a great final product. I also like that you tied it into history. I didn't know who the Hehe were until I read this draft. That being said, there are some gripes and unanswered questions I have to ask:
Gripes:
1. The story has a few typos that need to be corrected. I have pointed out all the ones I saw, but there may be more I didn't see or that I forgot to mention.
2. More detail: There are several times in this story where you mention someone or something that may be of interest, but you do not elaborate further. 796-3's "arcane arts" and the description of 796-4 come to mind. You also mention characters out of the blue with no prior introduction, such as a Doctor Meyer.
3. RPC-796-5: It was very confusing to see his section at the bottom of the article and not with the rest of the instances. I understand that he's dead, but there are other articles with multiple subjects that list the deceased ones and living ones together (Such as 869), and I think that'd make it more consistent with other articles (though we have hundreds of them, there are probably others that make this choice).
Questions:
1. If 796-1 is French, why is he wearing a German uniform?
2. Who is Doctor Meyez?
3. GARD was founded shortly before or during WWII. If 796-5 fought in the Hehe War (Which takes place in 1891), wouldn't he either be too old to fight, much less in an elite branch like GARD, or dead? Maybe I'm missing something. Also, I thought that the worlds were a result of their subconscious? If the zombified soldiers existed outside of his dream world, then do the gasmask-clad arsonists exist too? Maybe I'm misreading this.
/forum/t-16936939/the-asylum#post-