Alien Centipedes - GRPC Alien Article
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Alien Centipedes - GRPC Alien Article
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» Alien Centipedes - GRPC Alien Article
Summary:
I will add images later - Need Grammar, Tone, Clarity, and Vibe crit
I really like it! Aside from a few grammar corrections to make, I have only one thing to complain about: you don't really make it that clear in the biology section that they are hermaphroditic, and even then you sometimes contradict this by sometimes referring to certain of them as "him".
Here's my crits.
5.5% percentile of homeworlds in the Galaxy.
I'm not sure why "Galaxy" is capitalized, but it could be intentional.
including Iskoins, naturally fight each other in physical displays of prowess to obtain the right to mate with their rivals.
The comma at the end of "Iskoins" feels unneeded.
17-foot-long
The dash after the word "foot" doesn't need to be there.
With Forty legs
The "F" in "forty" should be lowercase.
each Iksoin has four arms.
Iskoin is spelled incorrectly.
These second pair of arms end in a wrist and hand
"These" should be "This".
However, at some point in their evolutionary history, Heurískō Prime, their homeworld, underwent mass extinction, leaving only lifeforms with iridium-based blood behind.
This feels like a run-on sentence. Here's the way I would type it:
However, at some point in their evolutionary history, their homeworld (Heurisko Prime) underwent mass extinction. This event left only lifeforms with iridium-based blood behind.
Isokins and their related species
Iskoins is misspelled.
rendering them irresistible to Isokinian life
Iskoinian is misspelled.
or any other element, in anything that contains it.
Comma after "element" is unneeded.
Isokins have a unique primary color for each element.
Iskoins is misspelled
surpassing even some of the Galaxy's most advanced aliens
"Galaxy's" is capitalized when it should be in lowercase.
The nature of such sparing matches
I assume "sparing" is meant to be "sparring".
for forty-six moons until, on the forty-seventh
The dashes between "forty six" and "forty seventh" are unneeded.
and many Clans in Heurískō Prime
"Clans" should be lowercase.
loyalty of their Clan.
"Clan" should be lowercase.
They, however, begged the invader to spare them personally.
The comma after "They" is unneeded.
All that would be found in the City was an open-air slave market
"City" should be lowercase.
The current ruler of the City ordered his guards
"City" should be lowercase.
the City's ruler was gone
"City's" should be lowercase.
and the City would become a holy place
"City" should be lowercase.
Children born under the Anex of Isko's System retained
"System" should be lowercase.
what they had learned and, due to a stable and unified family
The comma after "and" should be placed after the word "learned".
those Clan Cities that pledged their loyalty
"Clan Cities" should be in quotation marks.
I noticed that a lot of the errors were just capitalization errors, such as random words being capitalized for no apparent reason. I'd suggest scanning through the draft and lowercasing words such as "Clan", "City", or "Galaxy" (at least ones that aren't sentence starters). There were also things such as an abundance of commas in sentences, but other than that this draft is pretty good. The history is nice and I like the description of the centipedes themselves.
Believing that the armor-clad warrior had proved their cowardice by slaying the ruler but could redeem themselves by submitting to them romantically on the battlefield.
This feels like it's missing something. Extend it.
Throughout the article there are various "his" and "him" that need to be replaced with "their" and "them" to keep the fact of the aliens being hermaphroditic consistent. For the rest, I don't see any other problems.
Hullo hullo there.
You have summoned me out of my slumber, and so I have come. Now is my time to give my several cents.
General criticism
This article is… complete? In my 1896 days of RPC existence, I have rarely seen an article that complete. Congrats, I guess.
Moving on, the clinical tone is on point as well. Some typos here and there, but otherwise pretty good.
Line-by-line criticism & corrections
Image subtext
Why is the image subtext "Iskoin Text.". Don't get it. Please explain.
Biology and Technology
the Iskoins have garnered a reputation
I'd say "gained" instead of "garnered". Garnered is more of a synonym for gathered.
and medical devices have garnered an unfavorable reputation
Same here.
has fallen into favor amongst economically underdeveloped
has risen? humor me.
History
The Brass Age, The Iridin Age and the Dark Age
This section is very tale-esque in my opinion. Like, please put that in a quotation block followed by a scientific interpretation of it. For real.
The Modern Age
GD BODDS accepted the trade and left the planet
Did you mean GD BONDS?
Culture and Psychology
It's still being determined precisely why the Iskoin view all cultural interactions in groups of three
I'd say "the Iskoin view of cultural interactions in groups of three is still under study"
any alien could play the role of Technology er, or child to an Iskoin or vice versa
Technology era?
Roles and Ranks
the Sub-Anex operates as an honora y interpreter
honorary
The Sub-Anex must be a patriarch.
Unclear why, but okay.
Once an Iskoin reaches peak maturity, they can legally enlist in the GRPC. Upon enlisting, the Iskoin becomes an honorary Patriarch and is no longer required to participate in maternal matters.
Switched from plural to singular. Weird.
Once the Iskoin is in the hands of the GRPC, they un ergo Cadet training
undergo?
the Isk in
Iskoin
Being designated as a female still does not permit I koins
remove a space there.
To ensure every Larva
larvae.
an atriarch
a Patriarch?
is that the Prime Sultan manages a cabl
cabal?
Sul anas are expected
Sultanas?
Government
has been noted several times that patria chs
extra space.
and Larval children
Larvae.
Some corrections here and there, otherwise all good to post and tag in my opinion.
"iridian-based blood" should be "iridium-based blood"
analog is an American spelling but even in American spelling analogue is often used when describing something analogous
called Serpens Antique
species names are often italicized
it says sneak when it should say snake
While this species lived for about a billion years before going extinct 2.5 million years ago
what
the species lived for a *billion years??!!*
exhibit typically masculine behavioral characteristics
I know what you're trying to say but it's not very clear
perhaps you could replace "typically" with "stereotypically"
with the upper pair ending in blades
not a criticism but I thought "terminating in blades" might sound cooler
evolutionary adoption" should be "evolutionary adaptation"
trinary is a word but ternary is more common"
its a bit pedantic but the word hue just refers to the angle on the color wheel, the correct word here would be "shade"
which become irresistible
I might reword to "rendering them irresistible"
allow planet lifeforms
I think you mean something like "lifeforms on this planet" or "Heurískōin life" (assuming Heurískōin is the genitive form of Heurískō)
Iskoins have a unique primary color
might change to "Iskoins perceive a unique primary color"
supersonic speeds into a rector
might replace "reactor" with "reaction chamber"
at the risk of causing severe health risks
the word risk is repeated, sentence should be reworded
Through this mode of transportation, Iskoins travel to neighboring stars to gather their mineral resources.
no
just no
nobody using *rocket propulsion*, especially *sublight rocket propulsion* travels to *another star system* to gather *mineral resources*
change it to say travel within their star system
mostly lost due to time
did you mean to say "lost to time"
The following information was transcribed
perhaps change "transcribed" to "summarized" or "gathered," as "transcribed" implies what follows is the actual text
rival foe
redundant, just say "rival" or "foe"
boiling iridium
perhaps you mean "molten iridium"
boiling would imply it was heated to the point of vaporization
channeling the Anex's otherworldly might
I believe you meant to say "challenging"
no Iskoin took another slave
did you mean to say "took another as a slave"
perhaps change "while" to "as," as "while" would imply the second clause is contrary to the first rather than a result of it
and "vessel" should be "vassal"
owed to all wrong parties
wronged
Conditions worsened to such horrific standards of living
needs rewording
not only from starvation and humiliation of being considered property
you should insert "but" before "of being considered property"
the age of Anex of Isko
throughout the rest of the article "Anex of Isko" is refferred to as "the Anex of Isko," so I beleive it should be the same here
trinary
the more common form is ternary
fat early guide
???
when aliens have trusted themselves to the Iskoin social order
not sure if by "trusted" you meant "entrusted" or "revealed"
unwanted complex nuances to such a narrow
reproductive-focused worldview
replace "complex nuances" with "complexity" remove the line break and add a comma after narrow
other life forms
life-form should be hyphenated
Iskoin
this error is made twice in the document, once in the information box at the top and once later on in the text
get the privilege
perhaps use "gain" or "recieve" instead of "get"
labor jobs
redundant, shorten to just "labor"
drops exponentially.
add "with time"
Larvas
the plural of larva is larvae
every Larvae
every Larva
a decedent of one of the admirals
the word you meant to use is *descendent*
all Concubines are created equally
treated
Modern Concubines were
are
depends on the mana in that specific world
???
Larvae children
redundant
Everyone who answers to the Prime Sultanate, Iskoin, or an alien employee is classified as a Sultana Intercessor.
reword to either "both Iskoin and alien employees" or "be they Iskoin or an alien employee"
"Animal life has adopted specialized eyes that only perceive the world in a one-dimensional line, and they sweep back and forth to scan their surroundings."
Change to
“Animal life has adopted specialized eyes that only perceive the world in a one dimensional line, sweeping back and forth to scan their surroundings."
Minor change but by removing "They" the sentence specifies more that it's talking about the eyes.
"Roughly four thousand years ago, the ruler of a forgotten land would be defeated in single combat against an invading challenger."
single combat should be specified as either a single battle or one on one combat as it seems vague and may confuse readers.
"Roughly four thousand years ago, the ruler of a forgotten land would be defeated in single combat against an invading challenger. The ruler conceded their throne, their many wives, and the loyalty of their clan. They, however, begged the invader to spare them personally. The invader refused, for it's believed today that the invader's true goal was to wed the ruler. After the invader had solidified his marriage, they were stabbed through the back by their newlywed. While acts of defiance like this had been documented, none was as public and spectacular. With the new ruler's death seen as an act of the highest betrayal, the Iskoins demanded retribution. For their crimes, the prior ruler was skinned alive, their exposed skin then drenched in boiling iridium to complete the mutilation. The old king would be named Anax of Isko, "King of Nothing," and banished into the desert wastelands surrounding the kingdom."
The story is nice but a little confusing in some of the details. "They, however, begged the invader to spare them personally. The invader refused, for it's believed today that the invader's true goal was to wed the ruler. After the invader had solidified his marriage, they were stabbed through the back by their newlywed."
The invader plans on marrying the old monarch yet denies the request to spare them? Of course the old monarch ends up living and proceeds to stab the invader in the back in which it seems that maybe he meant to be spared from marriage although it took a couple of re-read throughs to even come to that conclusion as considering the more masculine and violent nature of the species when "spare" is mentioned I would assume it means their life.
"The land was barren when the Anex reached the City of Lost Things. Years ago, its soil was stripped of its scarce iridium."
Would suggest replacing "Years ago" with "Years prior to Anex's arrival" or something similar to specify the time relative to the story and not to current GRPC time or maybe something to describe how long prior "Few years prior" "Many years prior" "Long before the Anex's arrival…"
"Additionally, nurturing children became the duty of the whole community."
Later in the article you detail a bit the current status of how Iskoins treat children due to their hermaphroditic nature, but at this point in the article it comes off more confusing because while you mention them favoring masculine traits in forms of combat and authority, there's no mention of how it factors into the rest of their society up to this point. Which is a bit of an issue as this aspect distinguishes them quite a lot from other species.
“The Iskoins could not identify the specific alien, but first contact was quite a joyous experience for both parties. That ended when the interlopers revealed that they came from the same alien race, but sexual dimorphism between males and females made them look different. The existence of a lifeform with predetermined sex and family roles did not fit within the Iskoin moral framework. For days after the celebration, the world had entered a standstill as global leaders, scholars, and scientists debated the meaning and validity of their ideals. It was ultimately decided that the Anex of Isko's words were true, as they had created a utopia. However, if the words of their prophet could be changed to incorporate aliens, then Iskoin's duty is to force all life to conform to the words of Isko. Thus, it was decided that all technological efforts should be dedicated to achieving faster-than-light travel, just like their alien intruders. Once the prototypes were tested, clan rulers wasted no time constructing a massive interstellar armada. The Iskoins would launch their galactic jihad, confident that they could bring the word of Isko and their family structure to every world, just as they had on their own.”
The Iskoins jihad across the galaxy is a cool idea but the inspiration for it to start seems a bit weird. Obviously seeing female and male aliens would definitely shock the Isko world order. However so far it's been described that the main mission/conflict of Isko and the older Iskoin order is that of slavery and family formation. Yet there's no details about the alien visitors that paint them going against any of those values. If perhaps they were mentioned to have a slave, have an extremely hierarchical form of societal organization, or maybe even treated their offspring in an very laissez fair way then I could see them having a harsh reaction, but it seems a bit of a stretch that they would enact a galactic Jihad just to make a correction of something we don't even really see.
Would highly recommend moving the culture and psychology part above the history section to make reading through it much easier. How it is now feels like you sandwiched the discovery part of an RPC article in the middle of a description.
“As for Iskoins operating outside the GT, such as the Bagnio Sultanate, multiple diplomatic and hostile operations have been and will be aimed against them. While neither Galactic Treaty law nor GRPC jurisdiction mandates the saving or liberating of Consortium slaves, no law forbids Rangers from taking action. As long as Captains refrain from giving enough evidence for the Consortium to justify an all-out war, the GRPC can continue to deny responsibility in this ongoing underground liberation effort.”
Feels a little out of place. Considering that this is supposed to mimic an “official” document of the grpc, having them straight admit that they actively skirt around the law to allow Iskoins to operate against the Sultanate comes across as a “saying the quiet part out loud” moment.
Last nitpick I have is the mention of technology as saving the ideology of Isko within their society. It feels a little bit like a deus-ex machina that saves Iskoin society. Idk maybe I just don't like it because of the transhumanist implications, more of a minor nitpick on my part.
Other than that I think it's a very well done article with good lore. Feels very organic and real, especially with how something small as them being composed of a rare element goes to define much of their entire existence.
/forum/t-16921261/alien-centipedes-grpc-alien-article#post-