RPC-481 "All Points Bulletin" (need crit)
This is the RPC submission I have in mind
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/apb
I need to know what I can add to present it better, and if the concept itself has any flaws. Thank you.
RPC-481 "All Points Bulletin" (need crit)
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» RPC-481 "All Points Bulletin" (need crit)
Summary:
Would like it to be in depth if you can
You know this drill. Google Doc crit in DMS. Closing statement as proof.
CLOSING CRITIQUE STATEMENT: I’m surprised by this. I know I changed a lot, but my main point with the description was tightening up what’s already there. You have a solid concept, backed up by fantastic writing with a clear tone. I’m amazed. The biggest problem with this draftits Achilles heelis that, beyond the Discovery section, you don’t do anything new or of substance with the anomaly. I don’t care about the codes: Don’t need or want them. They add nothing, its frivolous detail. The logs themselves are bare bones and don’t showcase what you could do with this anomaly, from a writing standpoint. The last log just retreads the same old ground you just trodden.
The point of auxiliary logs is to go beyond what you already describe in the Description and conprocs (which was fantastic, by the way) and show something new about the anomaly or to give a picture of how it can be used. Sometimes, an anomaly is just a barren warehouse; then, through video logs, you find out it's haunted. Sometimes, it's a magic mirror; then, you learn its origins. We don’t see any of that. We don’t see the anomaly put into focus or utilized differently.
You have a rich narrative vein. You never even touch upon the AI and what it wants or try to communicate with it. You never show how the civilians react to this type of anomaly. You never show the Authority trying to capture it.
I will say this: The article is much more finished than 90% of the other drafts I receive. But the auxiliary logs show instead of tell and give me that extra side to the anomaly that holds you back. Generously, with the changes, I would give this a 4.5/5. As is? A low three.
BUT I'M HOPEFUL. I don’t think rectifying this would be a major undertaking, although you must rewrite everything past the discovery. I know it seems like I made many changes in the beginning. It's not that much, to be truthful. It's just tightening it up, as I said before. You are a good writer, and I hope for your future. (Alternatively, rewrite this to work in the new contest: wink-wink, nudge-nudge, shill-shill, etc.)
Thank you for your time,
Televisionst.
Using ground and aerial surveillance, Papa-4 “Big Bad Vedas”
Change to:
Using ground and aerial surveillance, MST Papa-4 “Big Bad Vedas”
Any instances contained within Site-015 are to be kept within a similar lead-lined garage bay.
Change to:
Any instances are to be contained within Site-015 and are to be kept within a similar lead-lined garage containment chamber.
Papa-4 Personnel…
Critic Note: You should decapitalize “Personnel” to “personnel”.
In the event of a civilian witnessing…
Critic Note: Change “witnessing” to “witnesses”.
Manifestations of RPC-481 are sporadic and unpredictable, so all MSTs assigned to track and survey the anomaly must do so on a consistent basis.
Change to:
Manifestations of RPC-481 are sporadic and unpredictable, thus all containment teams must be on constant watch.
This AI also housed within and acts as a collective consciousness for the second entity, RPC-481-2.
Change to:
This AI acts as a collective consciousness for the second entity, RPC-481-2.
displaying their anomalous properties such as a higher top speed,
Change to:
displaying their anomalous properties such as higher top speeds,
RPC-481-2 instances are able to be entered and driven like a normal automobile
Critic Note: Add an s to automobile.
[[collapsible show="RPC-481 Situational Codes" hide="RPC-481 Situational Codes"]]
Critic Note: Delete This.
Critic Thoughts: Hey there I liked your draft. I think your technically eligible to uploading your draft as an article after implementing the critiques. If you want more critique I recommend joining the rpc discord and posting the link to your draft there. People there will want to help you out. You can find the discord by clicking this link.
Thread archived at the author's request. They may contact staff to have this reversed.
/forum/t-16883804/rpc-481-all-points-bulletin-need-crit#post-