A Comet Anomaly
Link for the sandbox: http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/senor-peludo-s-sandbox-2
Note: The number being 1956 will be changed later.
A Comet Anomaly
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Drafts
» A Comet Anomaly
Summary:
A comet which take the souls of the people who looks at it.
ConProcs
You don’t put “RPC-1956” in the Registered Phenomena Code bit at the top, just the number.
Photograph of RPC-1956 when it passed Earth in 1955, colorized.
A little wordy for a photo caption. I would just put “RPC-1956, colorized” Also, don’t you say later it passed by Earth in 1954?
RPC-1956 has been effectively destroyed and has been reclassified as Neutralized.
Using “has been” twice in a row here is a little awkward, i would delete the second one and just have “reclassified as Neutralized”
Due to this, additional containment protocols are deemed unnecessary
I would say “Additional containment protocols are therefore deemed unnecessary” as it sounds a bit less awkward.
All recorded individuals affected by RPC-1956 have expired due to various non-anomalous incidents.
“All individuals known to have been affected by RPC-1956 have expired.” Specifying that they all died in “incidents” seems a little weird to me; I would interpret that as them dying in accidents instead , and if they all died in accidents that would be a little weird. Maybe a footnote that says “All of these individuals were determined to have non-anomalous causes of death.”
Site-19's archives.
The Authority uses three-digit site designations, that should be Site-019. Later on you use a link and the link doesn’t work because of that.
Due to its anomalous properties and its being a comet,
I think being a comet would make it impossible to contain no matter what its anomalous properties are. I would go with “Due to its status as a celestial body,”
Due to this, current containment efforts are limited
You use “Due to this” a few times, I would delete it here, especially since the last sentence starts with “Due to” as well
A network of Authority front companies under the guise of astronomical research organizations
“Disguised as” not “under the guise of”
Field agents embedded within non-Authority affiliated astronomical societies and observatories have been assigned to monitor and influence the narrative, to ensure that reports of the comet's effects are swiftly discredited as misidentifications or hoaxes.
Delete that comma and don’t refer to it as “the comet.” It’s RPC-1956 (or whatever you end up calling it)
All individuals affected by RPC-1956 are to be located and monitored by the Authority, further actions await approval from the Office of Ethics and Review.
That’s a run-on sentence. Either break it into two sentences or at least replace that comma with a semicolon
Description
RPC-1956 was formerly a comet, which had passed Earth from December 15 to December 24, 1954, and was exclusively in Scandinavia and parts of the Antarctic regions. It had been observable to the naked eye during the night when it initially passed.
“RPC-1956 was a comet, which passed Earth between December 15-24, 1954. It was visible to the naked eye during the night in Scandinavia and parts of the Antarctic regions.”
RPC-1956 had exhibited a green hue, likely due to the presence of diatomic carbon (C2) and cyanogen (CN) gases in its composition and a surface hypothesized to be covered in mostly large, spiky rock formations.
“RPC-1956 exhibited a green hue, likely due to the presence of diatomic carbon (C2) and cyanogen ((CN)2) gasses in its composition. Its surface was believed to be covered in large, craggy rock formations.”
I changed this to be slightly more clinical in some places (spiky => craggy). You can also make subscripts for the chemical formulas by putting two apostrophes on either side of the numbers.
RPC-1956 measured an estimated 2.5 kilometers in diameter
I did a little research; Halley’s Comet has a mean diameter of 11 km, and it’s apparently considered relatively small for a comet.1 Something to consider.
These next two paragraphs should probably be switched around since you bring up RPC-1956-1 before you actually explain what it is.
PC-1956-1 used to emit non-anomalous radio waves in the frequency range of 1420.4 MHz to 1420.7 MHz.
Just “emitted” would be good
Analysis of these signals revealed structured patterns corresponding to a mix of the Old Scandinavian language and modern Norwegian. (Notable decoded messages could be seen in Addendum.1956.)
What does “structured patterns” mean, exactly? You say the messages were “decoded”, were they actually in code, or do you just mean “translated?” Also, just a nitpick, the last sentence doesn't need to be in bold
Formerly direct visual observation of RPC-1956 would lead to an immediate and irreversible cessation of all conscious activity to the individual which viewed it.
Formerly, direct visual observation of RPC-1956 would cause an immediate and irreversible cessation of all conscious brain activity in viewers.
While basic autonomic functions such as breathing and heartbeat persisted, the affected individual became completely unresponsive to external stimuli, with no measurable brain activity indicative of consciousness.
I think you can ditch everything after the comma.
This property is currently hypothesized to be soul extraction, with all the souls likely being combined into a single being (hereafter refered to as RPC-1956-1), that is to be stored in the comet's core.
This whole bit strikes me as odd. “Soul extraction” is a very unclinical term, and you use it here as if it’s some established thing. And then you start on RPC-1956, and the idea of the souls being combined into one thing seems like a big leap in logic.
According to messages transmitted by RPC-1956, RPC-1956 is inhabited by entities (Hereafter referred to as RPC-1956-2), which it describes and refers to as "Gods". It is currently unknown what these entities look like or if they even exist. According to footage captured by the AEDF during the comet's neutralization shows RPC-1956-2 instances as amorphous creatures composed entirely of flesh, residing in pits scattered across the surface of the comet.
This whole paragraph feels unnecessary. The actual logs you give barely mention these “gods” yet you state that both the broadcasts talk about them living on the comet and that the weird flesh blobs are them. And then you barely talk about the flesh blobs.
No further information is known regarding RPC-1956-2, as all known instances in the comet are effectively neutralized.
I would go with “is available” rather than “is known”, so you’re not using the same word twice in one sentence
Addendum
The addendum had some issues with spacing between lines, especially in the first one. Also, was the "Silence" in the first log someone saying silence, or a pause in the talking?
This message was captured by the Authority 3 months post neutralization.
I don’t think “captured” is the right word here. I would also suggest putting numbers as words, (“three”) but that’s a nitpick and a hyphen in “post-neutralization”
Final Thoughts
So overall this needs some work. It manages to both explain too much and be too vague. What is the point of the weird flesh blobs? How do they know people are ending up as a “single being” inside of the comet? How did the Authority destroy this thing if just looking at it sucks your soul out?
I think that you should just let the logs speak for themselves, and get rid of the stuff where you actually explain about the “soul extraction.” Leave a little mystery and let the reader work it out for themselves. I think this could be good, but right now it feels unfinished.
Footnotes
1. According to Wikipedia, so take it with a grain of salt
Situation normal, Cap'n! Spiraling out of control!
Thank you for the crit, I'll fix it up.
Photograph of RPC-1956 when it passed Earth in 1955.
I'd use "colorized image" instead of photograph
A network of Authority front companies disguised as astronomical research organizations has been established to manage and control public information regarding RPC-1956.
Now normally I would say the authority would simply use existing front companies, but honestly if you want, since this article is placed back in the past, maybe add a little note like "this was one of the first major expansions of authority front companies" or something. Although I would say all of them being astronomical research organizations would probably be impractical, it would make more sense if the media outlets and such that they control were part of this process of establishing front companies.
Its surface was believed to be covered in large, craggy rock formations.
Is there any reason for this line? I assume to bolster the accompanying illustration, but I think it gives the reader enough imagery on its own, especially since it is a comet and this landscape wouldn't be too obscene to believe
Formerly, direct visual observation of RPC-1956 would cause
I would remove the formerly. If somebody were to reconstitute the pieces of the comet, (or theoretically be unlucky enough to view a piece considering that final transmission) their consciousness would be sent into the comet right?
with no measurable brain activity indicative of consciousness.
I would say no measurable brain activity outside of the brain stem or spinal cord.
It is hypothesized that all of the consciousness are stored in the comet.
I think I would remove this. Instead of adding the "this is what happened to them" I think being a bit more obtuse about it would add to the effect. As a suggestion when you get to the signals, I'd be more specific about when they began, such as "Based on the distance from RPC-XXX to AEDF satellites, these signals began transmitting at the same time as the first reports of people losing consciousness as a result of witnessing RPC-XXX."
Analysis of these signals reveals revealed that the language used in the signals are a mix of the Old Scandinavian language and modern Norwegian.
Unrelated to that, but I'd also make sure you're quotes [> ] are properly spaced, I noticed a few of the lines in the initial transmission were grouped together improperly
Collision occurred at 08:07 UTC on 10/19/1976.
I'd be a bit more specific as to which collision you're referring to here. I assume it's the comet hitting the asteroid, but it could be either.
Posted from DMs:
I thought your prose was there, not your use of the anomaly. The main problem is that I've seen this type of storytelling before, and it's not very novel. And while you do show the anomaly, you don't use it, if that makes any sense. There's no real mystery behind what this is. It is a hivemind in a comet. It's there one second, then it's not. You have to dig deeper than that.
What do you want to do with this article? Do you want it to be about a cosmic horror? Do you want it to be about some fucked up place where human consciousness goes when it dies? I get that you didn't want to answer all questions and leave some mystique, but the problem is that what is shown here isn't intriguing enough, nor is it given the time to be interesting. So, why doesn't the answer come off as more infuriating than anything else?
You are a good writer, at least. I think you just need help with ideas that match your skills.
/forum/t-16872101/a-comet-anomaly#post-