RPC-XXX Fatal Autonomy Syndrome
My attempt at a short read article below 500 words. Unrelated to the Done and Dusted contest which was posted at the same time I was finishing this.
RPC-XXX Fatal Autonomy Syndrome
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» RPC-XXX Fatal Autonomy Syndrome
Summary:
Looking for critique, unrelated to the contest.
Okay, good jape.
The writing is strong, and its heavy-handedness lent to the punchline. My only complaint is that the final line drives the point slightly too much.
If you feel sudden onset chest discomfort. weakness, or shortness of breath, please dial your local Administrations emergency contact and refrain from communicating the info hazard to the operator.
If the article were to say something different outside of "contacting help," I think it would work. Maybe say, "The current mechanisms of RPC-XXX are unknown." Idk. Just finish with a less wordy last sentence.
Individuals or Authority personnel that are found to be in possession of an uncontained activation phrase are to be actively investigated and detained by ASF elements and interrogated on their acquisition of the anomaly.
Change to:
Individuals that are found to be in possession of an uncontained activation phrase are to be actively investigated and detained by field agents and interrogated on their acquisition of the anomaly.
Individuals exposed to RPC-XXX are to be socially quarantined and transported to a medium-security Authority-aligned Medical facilities' isolator.
Change to:
Individuals exposed to RPC-XXX are to be quarantined and transported to the nearest secured facility.
They are to be alerted of the nature of the anomaly by way of indirect communication, additionally they are to be informed of the choice of an amnestic treatment, the risk of which should be communicated, success indicating a withdrawal from social quarantine and visitation rights being reinstated.
Change to:
They are to be alerted of the nature of the anomaly by way of indirect communication and be informed of the choice of an amnestic treatment, the risk of which should be communicated.
those exposed to the anomalies activation phrase severs
Change to:
those exposed to the anomaly's activation phrase will experience severance of
Critic Note: The article is short, but an interesting idea nonetheless. I do think showing what the cognitohazardous phrase is kinda kills the flow of the article. I recommend redacting or adding some kind of corrupted text alongside the cognitohazard to give it a much more anomalous article. Overall, the article is very sweet and short.
ConProcs
Under no circumstances are anomalous activation phrases of RPC-XXX to be kept in Authority records or documentation, all digital documentation relating to the anomaly are to be monitored by cognitohazard watchdog algorithms, while physical documentation is to be cleared by high ranking anti-info-hazard trained personnel.
Run-on sentence, I would split them after “or documentation”
They are to be alerted of the nature of the anomaly by way of indirect communication and be informed of the choice of an amnestic treatment, the risk of which should be communicated.
I think if you’re taking them to medical facilities it doesn’t make sense to suggest that communication should be indirect. Also, you use “communicate” variations twice in the same sentence.
Success indicating a withdrawal from social quarantine and visitation rights being reinstated.
This is a sentence fragment. I'm also not certain what it's actually supposed to be saying. What visitation rights?
Description
RPC-XXX is an info-hazard that directly targets the myocardium of affected individuals, those exposed to the anomaly's activation phrase will experience severance between the hearts cardiomyocytes and the visceral nervous system, effectively making cardiac regulation voluntary.
Another run-on sentence.
Cause of death being cardiac arrest relating to either physical exhaustion, excessive stress or shock, and or personal choice.
Another sentence fragment
and have caused wanton suffering to the affected.
“Wanton suffering” just feel slike an odd phrase to use here. Maybe just “serious harm”?
Discovery
As of May 13, 2000, only 1 confirmed activation phrase of RPC-XXX have been documented,
“Has been”.
Incident XXX.3.14.1975, a targeted attack on Authority personnel perpetrated by an unknown group or individual, a suspected assassination attempt.
Another sentence fragment
Casualties include Authority Central Intelligence Operative ███████ ███████, Authority Medical Personnel Sandra Blanc, Authority Medical Specialist Pierre Louver, and an unidentified assailant
“Included”
If you feel sudden onset chest discomfort. weakness, or shortness of breath, please dial your local Administrations emergency contact number.
“If you feel sudden onset chest discomfort, weakness, or shortness of breath, please dial your local Administration’s emergency contact number.”
Final Thoughts
Don’t have much to say. I’m a little confused, is the anomaly the phrase itself, or is it the knowledge the phrase would stop your heartbeat? And how does the activation phrase count as “non-anomalous”? If they only know one, isn’t that the one that the attacker used, so what’s the one that Louvier discovered? The idea of it being used as a weapon against the Authority is interesting, as is the implication that this played a role in their infohazard studies, but you don’t really touch on that as much as you could, though you do say you wanted to keep it short). Overall not a bad effort though, but I think it could use a little more touching up.
Situation normal, Cap'n! Spiraling out of control!
/forum/t-16862451/rpc-xxx-fatal-autonomy-syndrome#post-