Looking for a Revision for Grammatic mistakes
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http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/the-red-collective
Looking for a Revision for Grammatic mistakes
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» Looking for a Revision for Grammatic mistakes
This time-obsessed cultural and governmental system was the unfortunate byproduct of the Volxadrak biological psychology and a type Further4 scenario.
TO
The culture of the Red Collective is incredibly conscious of their allotted time. This social rigidity trickles down into all forms of government and social management. The Volx's fixation on available time is an inherited evolutionary trait—an evolutionary byproduct of the "Type Further" scenario, a spontaneous cataclysmic planetwide environmental anomaly.
After unearthing an anomalous item in the northern hemisphere of their planet, the once Red Volx Conclave was forced to migrate south. Border conflicts between the Northern Red Conclaves and Equatorial Tribal Republics would escalate. While the wars were brutal, the Red Conclave prioritized efficiency over everything. It made major technological advancements, permitting them to make crucial territorial gains from their Equatorial Volx relatives. With key locations perfect for orbital launch sites, the Red Conclaves constructed a network of satellites and a fleet of colony ships in orbit around X'khor'urmorgh. These massive projects were only achieved through the ruthlessly tight time schedules of the Red Conclave. By the time the anomaly had ecologically destroyed most of X'khor'urmorgh's wildlife, 90% of the Red Conclave and their allies were off-world, with the remaining 10% surviving in fortified bunkers.
TO
The Red Collective, the current ruling interstellar government, started in 1780 C.E., at the precapous of the 49th documented Type Further event. At the time, the Red Conclaves were engaged in a brutal border war with the Equatorial Tribal Republics over the remaining pockets of habitable land. As the wars progressed, global ecology collapsed, and the Red Conclaves began to lose ground as supply lines collapsed. As a last-ditch attempt, the Conclaves began bunkering down, building city-sized tunnel networks to survive the century-long storm. During one of their many digs, a member of the Red Conclaves excavated a temporal anomaly referred to as [Insert Name]. The Conclaves used [Insert Name] technology through extensive and rushed experiments to buy themselves centuries of time. One fateful day, the Red Conclaves would launch rudimentary kinetic-based weapon platforms from their long-forgotten bunkers. The once environmentally habitable territories of X'khor'urmorgh were given the ultimate ultimatum. Those who did not surrender were destroyed, along with the bit of land they still clung to. Through this event, known as [Insert Name], X'khor'urmorgh and all Volx kind would be unified under one authority, The Red Collective.
Any Equatorial Tribes that did not join the newly formed Red Collective were either had their environmental hab domes raided by Red Collective ground forces. Any fleeing colony ships were shot down during takeoff. This ruthless ideological extermination campaign ensured the future legitimacy of the new Interstellar Red Collective.
TO
Those few Equatorial Tribes that developed anti-orbit defense systems resisted the grand unification. Using their optimal equatorial launch latitude, the tribes would soon bring the fight to the Red Collective in orbit. The battle for dominion over the Volx Star System was bloody, as both sides struggled to maintain any ground taken. However, the stalemate would be broken through the development of cryogenics. With this one advancement, the Red Collective would keep ship crews alive while deploying their temporal-based technologies. The Equatorial Tribes' ships failed to keep up with the Red Collectives' new faster-than-light starfighters. Any colony ship that tried to flee was systematically destroyed, ensuring the future legitimacy of the new Interstellar Red Collective.
In the modern era, the Red Collective prides itself as the de facto galactic face of the Volxadrak Race. While not the most potent power within the Interstellar Cooperative, it is widely respected for its reliability and efficiency. Many minor factions in the Cooperative rely on the Red Collective almost entirely for interstellar construction work. These like-minded factions regularly call upon the Red Collective to intercept Consortium-backed or Independent space pirate's attack fleets in Cooperative Space. Due to their proximity and member status within the Interstellar Cooperative, Soviet Humans and Red Collective Volx have united to spread and promote proto-communist values to aliens within their local region of space.
TO
In the modern era, the Red Collective prides itself as the de facto galactic face of the Volxadrak Race. While not the most potent power within the Sodality of Stars, it is widely respected for its reliability and efficiency. Many minor members of the Sodality rely on the Red Collective for interstellar construction. In addition, these like-minded factions regularly call upon the Red Collective to intercept Consortium-backed or Independent space pirates. One of their strongest alliances within the Sodality is that of the Union of Soviet Satellites. The Humans of the Soviets and Red Collective's Volx have united to spread proto-communist and collectivist-analog values to pre-interstellar alien races within the Local Bubble.
The Ultra utilitarian cast system of the Red Collective is divided between two groups. The Oligarchy is a complex network of planners who create a work schedule. Below them are the Proles, who, if they fall outside their allocated time window, will be demoted into a Temporal Trall at increments of 0.5x speed, 2x speed, and 3x speed.
TO
The Red Collective can be distinctly categorized as an Ultrautilitarian Oligarchy. The oligarchs who rule this interstellar society create complex time schedules for its citizens. Below them are Proles, workers within the Collective. If a Prole fails to keep up with their allocated time window will be demoted. Temporal Tralls, dissidents who fail to meet their timetable, have their flow of time accelerated at increments of 0.5x speed, 2x speed, and 3x speed.
Although mostly destroyed, the Red Collective still assigns the world a significant honor by upholding it as the Capital of the Red Collective. The entire Red Collective political and economic system is analyzed and of course corrected by the "Red Emperor." Not much is known about these individuals, except that they are highly cybernetically augmented. Aside from having direct control over the environmental bunkers of X'khor'urmorgh, the Red Emperor has demonstrated the ability to make broad predictions with 84.84% accuracy for the entire Red Collective.
TO
Despite the nearly uninhabitable conditions of X'khor'urmorgh, the Volx's Home World, it still holds the status of a Capital Planet. All major timetable decisions, interstellar policies, and economic decisions are analyzed and corrected by the "Red Emperor." Nothing is known about this supposed Emperor except that their bunker exhausts tremendous amounts of heat waste into the frigid atmosphere of X'khor'urmorgh. This suggests that the Emperor is highly augmented or a supercomputer, so advanced it can calculate broad predictions across the entire Red Collective with 84.84% accuracy.
The main critique is that this article doesn't do decent world-building, is rather a cliche, and doesn't describe so much society as more of a Stellaris faction on a wiki page. CE isn't about realism. It is a goofy setting; its species don't need to be hyper-realistic. In terms of Kymen, they often can tell a decent enough story.
But the Red Collective does not, and it just seems like, "I can't believe it's not Stalinism," but space aliens. It contains useless fluff terms that make it hard to read. But I don't care about that, primarily. I want to learn about a distant alien culture and its many facets. I want to know why humanity cares about them and what I can use them for. You paint in such broad strokes like it's a paradox game when no culture or civilization can be painted. If implemented, the red collective would be another alien in a catalog full of them. Even its name isn't inspiring. It'd be like calling humans the "Freedom Alliance."
My suggestion? Focus on building a people first instead of an ideology. It's better writing. Focus on making people multifaceted and addressing the multiple problems of a space-faring civilization. Multi-planetary bodies are not efficient by nature and require comedic levels of autonomy. Talk about their culture and humanity's relationship to them. Talk about their ethnicities and identities. Don't make them all super-conformist because, at that point, it's just robots.
There's a reason we don't talk about the October Revolution like this or the average Russian like they're some uncontacted Tribe the British Navy discovered.
"Hardy, sturdy and built for the cold, your typical Ruskie is always thinking of the group. Their culture revolves around a sense of community and self-discipline, which is administered and brokered by the Central Planning committee."
I wish I had more to say, but I don't think spag is the issue. I've been putting this off too much, and I'd rather just say what I can. You know where to contact me on the discord.
/forum/t-16759609/looking-for-a-revision-for-grammatic-mistakes#post-