Patent 100
Patent 100
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I think this article is pretty good so far, but I do have some criticisms:
- In the Abstract section, you have an illustration of the device, but you don't explain what it is fully. I'd move the illustration down to the detailed description, and have a sentence describing the figure and all the various parts.
- I like the concept of attempting to replicate 002, but I feel like that might be a bit, overkill? I don't know how much of the Authority would have no moral qualms adopting such a device or using it on intruders. I also think it might be a bit more interesting if instead of being a 1:1 copy of 002's properties, its like a sort of offshoot, like it teleports people into the mantle or something like that.
- It feels weird for a patent to be filed after it has already become a "staple of Authority use" I think it would make more sense for it to be common within Site-070 and a couple other regions have adopted it.
- Now I can believe that the Authority would have enough use for this to have adopted in multiple sites, but commercial use? You want me to think the authority is fine selling an armored suit fitted with two gatling guns capable of potentially destroying an entire site? I'd honestly just take out that final section.
My first question having read this was, "WTF is this?" The placeholder blueprint confused me for way longer than I care to admit, and only after I realized it was copied from another patent file was I able to comprehend the document. Show some kindness for your frail old crit readers ;(
The diagram threw me off on my first read, and I kept waiting for a sentence to make the system's function entirely clear, to no avail. I had to look up what a CIWS was. It's possible I'm only speaking from a particularly uninformed viewpoint, but to make a personal recommendation, I would have the system's purpose more immediately clear in the document.
For me, the big draws of this draft were the connections to Site-070 and RPC-002. I've been eagerly awaiting another piece about Site-070, and what better way to bring the universe together than by tying into the very first RPC ever written? Sadly, I think this draft drives its bits of fun into the ground. The document isn't even that long, but its content is stretched thin. Most of what matters in the article is given away by the abstract, and the rest is kind of a slog.
Patents are naturally expected to be more pragmatic than entertaining from the outset, but I've read some that really excited my imagination. This did not. It's sound in theory; a highly punishing turret imbued with anomalous capabilities could certainly lend itself to intense action, but the execution is caught up in the mundane with little mind for the exciting. It may be a powerful gun, but without a window into what it does in practice, I can't bring myself to care. No amount of reference to its "effectiveness and brutality" will compensate.
Spambot made a good point by questioning its widespread adoption. I have a feeling that this item, especially as a freak Site-070 creation, becoming a piece of ubiquitous equipment would cause power creep. It makes its capabilities less special. Scaling back doesn't have to be a bad thing; the coolest treats are the ones you don't see every day. Consider not even having it be a direct revision, but instead maybe an offshoot or experimental model of some kind.
I'll also question putting this on the market. Selling the previous model makes enough sense to me if the Authority can now create something superior, but selling one of the best ones they have, especially when imbued with anomalous technology, is a different story. It could be reverse-engineered by competitors, and besides, isn't the Authority becoming the very thing they swore to destroy by doing this?
This is passable, but I think you could do better with it.
The Praetorian CIWS System vII
"Close-in Weapon System System" is an instance of RAS syndrome.
Created by Dr. Victor Von Dominic during his time studying RPC-002 while the item was held within Site-070.
This is only a sentence fragment, while the rest of the paragraph is written in complete sentences.
The first Praetorian CIWS was capable of firing 4,000 rounds per second and its dynamic and ergonomic design cemented its position as an Authority's premier defense system.
Should be "the Authority's", not "an Authority's".
The prototype was an M1911A1 pistol with the ability to chemically alter targets in an identical form to RPC-001.
Mislabeled RPC number, probably.
the Naztec Agreement allows for the declassification and dissemination of the systems non-anomalous components.
Missing apostrophe in "system's".
The Praetorian CIWS vII composed of aluminum and reinforced steel plating.
Missing verb "is".
The systems on-board advanced components are capable of differentiating between Authority personnel and non-Authority personnel.
Another missing apostrophe in "system's".
On-site command is left with the decision on deciding whether the system engages the perceived threat.
"left with the decision on deciding" is bulky and redundant. How about "left to decide"?
If on-site command is compromised, the system will automatically engage the perceived threat after a preprogrammed amount of time has passed without on-site input.
Starting with "if on-site command is compromised" and ending with "after a preprogrammed amount of time has passed without on-site input" is awkward because both phrases sound like they're communicating the same idea. I think changing the first to "In the case that on-site command is compromised" would better explain the relationship between the two.
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