GD-CMDR "AWACS"
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GD-CMDR "AWACS"
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» GD-CMDR "AWACS"
Summary:
submission for the elections
Nitpicks:
- All bullet points need to be consistent with whether or not they end with a period
whereupon 3 chinese battleships were
- Capital C in Chinese
under a form of probationary surveillance albeit.
- albeit under a form of probationary surveillance.
despite concerns from several administration personnel, given the role of head of ACI Department 039.
- despite concerns from several Administration personnel, given the role of head of ACI Department-039.
AWACS has been very supportive of the protectorate's work
- AWACS has been very supportive of the Protectorate's work
I don’t think this GD is developed enough. There is not much personality to him, a lot of interesting parts are censored without any reason, and all the time I had to keep reminding myself that this is someone from the ACI, and not the Protectorate.
I think a background of him being someone who ran away from his country to join the Authority is very interesting, but that there is too little detail to completely get the full picture and drama behind it. It comes off as unconvincing and unengaging. I know, or at least think, that there is a lot of basis in some real life events that are implied to be the result of this GD but at the moment I cannot remember them, neither can I find it convincing that he was truly involved.
Compared to the current Commander, I’d say that this is a much, much more toned-down version of him. An ACI operative with a background of causing problems in other countries, with a different and more radical approach to GoIs.
I think you should change his background to being a big Protectorate figure, someone who has prided himself on always being where the forests’, shit and the bear that made it were thickest. Give him a history of saving other agents, a respectable technique for dealing with civilians that kept up the illusion of the regular world, possibly even a unique helicopter model based on his modifications. Give him a specific event for his absolute hate for GoIs – from losing a loved one in Site-014, to them being the cause or most difficult element in the worst rescue operation he has seen in his life.
All in all, it needs much more work. I know you can make a much more engaging GD since you made Forge, and I’m a little bit disappointed this one didn’t have as interesting of a personality or background as him.
The Operational History came off a bit one-note to me — like, he did X during Y containment breach then Z containment breach and A containment breach and so on and so forth, I feel you could be a bit more imaginative with the possible uses of a helicopter for coordination.
While he has spent his tenure at the Authority showing an intense level of fealty and loyalty to the organization and its ideas, many agents still use his past in order to doubt his qualifications.
Sounds really biased for a report like this — is that intentional?
under a form of probationary surveillance albeit
discord poison
Albeit should go at the start of this sentence.
Not sold on that last section which is essentially just one of those really gay OC relationship graphs but written down, but there are some pretty kino ideas in there like Forge's comment.
All in all, I think you're missing something more personal. After reading this I really have not a single clue what AWACS is like and what he values, just a fairly long list of stuff he did. The Bond villain bits here and there have some interesting implications when you pair them with him hating GoIs altogether but I feel like it's missing some kind of glue to hold those two together if that makes sense to you. Like — he used to be a pretty hardcore terrorist, he's turned over a completely new leaf, and is still dealing with the consequences of what he did, that's interesting, but what made him become a terrorist first? What got him to have that wild change of heart, and does he still acknowledge responsibility for what he did or does he just tell you to fuck off when you ask about it?
None of this HAS to be explicitly explained, but I feel like the reader should come out of this article having a decent answer for those question.
/forum/t-16476357/gd-cmdr-awacs#post-