Hello, I have returned to RPC and decided to give it another go since I believe I have gotten better at writing. I decided that since I have been obsessed with space lately, that it would be a decent idea to write a GRPC.
Where there is a choice of two evils, I choose both.
I love, colour coding. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Yellow is what I suggest you change, strikethrough is what I suggest you remove entirely.
ConProc-
No, wait wait, what is that I see? Responsible Departments? Now, normally I wouldn't have an issue with this, but here's the issue; It's Cosmic Embers. I haven't asked Red yet, but I'm not sure that the OAS doesn't exist anymore. Plus, even if it does, the CSS is using the regular Authority logo.
Also, there's one more nitpick that I have. It's meant to be Galactic Registered Phenomena, not Registered Phenomena Code. Anyways, let's get back on track.
ConProcs:
CSD personnel
I asked Red about this, and I was actually surprised when he said that they still existed.
I currently don't really see any problems with the Containment Protocols. My only problem with the article so far is that it's just feels like if you tried to conbine Baseline RPC with CE. Things like the OAS, Registered Phenomena Code.
I was really looking forward to nitpicking this, but I just wasn't able to find much to nitpick about. Maybe others will find things that I possibly looked over? I'm not sure.
My biggest issue is that it feels like you tried to write for Baselane and CE at the same time. I'm pretty sure that this is your first CE article, if not then it's definitely your first GRP, and I had a lot of the same problems. I get that there is a writers guide, but it doesn't give us much to go off when trying to write about the inner workings of the Galatic Rangers Protection Corps itself.
Anyways, 4/5. Fix the nitpicks and its an easy 5/5 for me.
I really like it, besides some grammatical and formatting mistakes.
I also kinda wish there was more about GRP-774 since at the beginning it's made clear they're necessary to explore GRP-XXX.
Acclaim:
Criticisms & Suggestions:
Due to GRP-XXX's anomalous function, GRP-XXX-1 is to be contained within a remote ship hangar, designated OL-Hangar-XXX, within the Norma Arm near NGC-5927.
how is this due to its anomalous properties? it's a ship, so logically it's contained within a ship hangar
Equipment Necessary equipment, including a standard Geiger counter and a handheld transceiver will also be provided.
all organic entities aboard GRP-XXX-1 are to be relocated to a lead-lined safety chamber within the hanger hangar.
Thermal imaging of GRP-XXX-1's bulk revealed two components of note. <— replace with colon A Sphaleron Reactor in the spacecraft's rear, and a circular-shaped circular shell within GRP-XXX-1's core roughly 35m across.
not quite sure what you mean when you say the shell is "circular". is the shell a flat circle? does it have a circular base? did you mean to say "spherical" instead?
The room is hollow, with smooth, curved <— add comma white walls.
without a comma, it reads like you're describing the white color itself as curved.
The technological processes that create these extra-dimensional proportions are foreign to the GRPC as of yet unidentified.
"foreign to the grpc" is a phrase worded a bit strangely to me
Once a reboot phase ends and GRP-XXX powers down, all GRP-XXX-2 instances shed material sheds this photonic shell.
It's It is believed this rewrite process can be briefly observed at the beginning and end of every system reboot phase.
At random intervals, the planet's surface becomes a sudo form pseudo-form of dark matter, incorporeal to Reality-A explorers.
The construction of these structures can not be attributed to any form of life, as Reality-B is devoid of sapient life.
what do you mean by this? a lot of sentient lifeforms can still build things
Reality-C appears as an the ocean planet of TRAPPIST-1f, homeworld of the Salkai. Atmospheric conditions on the planet are volitional.
"volitional"? as in relating to a person's will? you sure you didn't mean "volatile"?
At random, a region's temperature will unexplainably jump to 650ºC-2,500ºC, flash-boiling any water source that may be present.
Attempts to recompile a 3D picture out of the 2D fractals suggest that the inhabitants of this world were semi-aquatic crustacean analog lifeforms.
"were"? oh that's terrible what happened to them???
Traversal by air and tree was made mandatory in the future.
Enough chatter. Let's blow this popsicle stand!
physically recoiled at this line, good job if that was your intention, if not, jesus christ dude
Rangers Ray, Tuut, and Sarkio's visual feeds flash a bright white before color returns. All three manifest above a pitch-black bottomless abyss.
"bottomless" feels like a redundant word here
Ranger Sarkio extends two of his four arms and fires off both grapplehooks at a nearby bony spiked tree. One grapple hook embeds into the bone like bark, while the other is deflected.
is it "grapplehook" or "grapple hook"? have some consistency please
With her other hand, Ray removes the grappling gun from her waist and fires it into the same tree as Sarikio Sarkio.
Ranger Sarkio implants all his legs on the long, spindly tree and begins to climb up it in a corkscrew-like pattern.
the language gets kinda flowery there
Rangers Tuut and Ray decide to join them atop the tree. <— replace with comma The former by climbing up with their four grappling instruments and the latter with their jetpack.
why do you suddenly start referring to individual characters with they/them pronouns here?
As she slowly drifts by, Ray grabs the drone mid halfway through one of its loops.
I can faintly see it's online down there, but I'm not sure I can reach it with only one hand.
"it's online"? what?
Ranger Ray deactivates her jet pack truster thruster and immediately begins falling into the dark pit.
It was further agreed upon that aliens that have a mental resolve and(or) and/or lack of emotional attachment to Earth should be assigned to ensure the success of the mission.
Chattering Turn video feeds on. Chattering
this happens to be a pet peeve of mine in dialogue writing. when described actions aren't put in parentheses or brackets or whatever, it reads as if the character is just saying what they're doing. also i think you mean "chittering"
We read you Researcher ILUIKATL.
the all-caps make this read like the guy just shouted the researcher's name
The Environment around Ranger's Rangers Sarkio, Tonny, and TuuT Tuut flashes a blinding bright white.
We best get going. Tony! Tonny! Prep the Hover Bikes for transport.
In an instant, a pack of six Herrerasaurus.
what?
In only a few seconds, the two instruments of war have started to glow a hot red.
come on dude, just say weapons
VISS SARKIO: Maybe we can go hunting for one.
VISS SARKIO: It doesn't matter. Drones say we won't find any Humans out here.
sarkio said both these lines?
blabbo
Honestly, I am not so great at criticizing but from overlooking this I am entirely biased, because I like space and how the Article is formatted is well done.
Seeing the other critics here I do agree on their criticizing so there's a good place to start, cause it feels like I have been cleared out from all I wanted to say.
Overall a great article!
