Spin, oh spin
This one is very experimental, image is a WIP: http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/spin-oh-spin
Spin, oh spin
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» Spin, oh spin
Summary:
Its about spinning
As a fellow circle enthusiast, I too can understand when a hand-drawn circle is mouthwateringly perfect; making this spiraling into lunacy all the more reasonable. Imagine being able to draw everything so perfectly, like scratching an itch you didn't know you had. With that said, I enjoyed the diary and the fact addiction to geometric shapes in itself isn't anomalous.
Diary felt gradual enough and still impactful by the end, don't see a need to change anything here.
Interesting way to use cuckoldry as a battle between worship of perfection and encroaching imperfection.
Tried to write on paper "Ewww.." to see how effective it is to write it down in affected state, n, yea, it has a kick. But only if written in print handwriting.
Also, I was trying to see if "2 weeks, 3 days, 14 hours and 2 minutes" is a coded phi, pi or some other irrational number. Alas….
Didn't spot anything off grammar-wise. But maybe instead of "immensely severe conditions" or it is listed in tandem (in form of footnote) what are possible severe conditions.
Think lowest I'd give it would be a 4.
Don't see anything I'd change. It was simple, short and gets the anomaly message across.
This is a very creative and original entry- very clean grammar and style. Nothing really sticks out to me when it comes to errors, and the diary really does sound like something a deranged person would write.
I want to say that I think you should explore the anomaly further- like how does the addiction develop, are they sure it isn’t memetic- but I’m worried that would draw out the article and make it weaker. Still, could use more meat to it when it comes to the anomaly’s effects.
5/5 presentation, 4/5 description, overall I’d rate this a five if it was posted right now.
Like my peers have mentioned above me, it's a pretty good article with little to no grammatical errors. Formatting is good, containment protocols are short but it gets to the point, the article itself is very clean! Well done! Interesting use of words, him describing a drawing as ''so curvaceous'' is pretty funny, as well as the use of the word ''cuckholdry''.
Probably the one piece of criticism I can give this is that the Academy is at a stand still. They have so little to do with the article you may as well remove them entirely from it. One one hand, you got a really simple story about a guy who goes mad over circles. On the other hand, God knows every artist would love a pen like this. Unless they got plenty at their disposal, there's no reason for the Academy to not be looking for this pen right now.1
There's just something missing. As good as it is, the article just ends. It doesn't even tell us what happened with Salomé.2 How did the Academy react to it? What did the Authority do with Salomé? You don't have to overtly detail the Academy or the description, a little extra at the end would work wonders (what if Salome really was up to something?)
As is? 3/5. Greatly written, a mayor improvement over your last draft, but it falls flat as is
RPC-XXX is to be kept in an Alpha-class containment locker inside Site-██, accessible only by level 2R or higher personnel personnel with Level 2R or higher security clearance.
why is the site number redacted? unless it's top-secret or has some anomalous effects having to do with knowing its location or something, from an in-universe standpoint a redacted site number just seems inconvenient for anyone attempting to read up on an anomaly. also the "level" in security clearance levels is capitalized, as seen with a read of the security clearance and levels page
Any personnel experiencing attraction to the geometry produced by RPC-XXX are encouraged to limit their own exposure, and if needed, admit themselves for psychiatric evaluation.
how is this an issue in the first place? were personnel using the anomaly and looking at the produced shapes, knowing that it's a visual hazard? was it done for attempted research? you should add some clarification.
However, it has been discovered that the user of RPC-XXX themself is at a greater risk, and that extended use can cause treatable, <— unneeded comma but immensely severe conditions.
RPC-XXX was discovered after a viral video surfaced of a young Remy ██████ recording his neighbor, Salomé ████, through a window.
there isn't any information on where in the world this all went down, and i don't think that's a detail the authority would gloss over. for all i know, this is just happening somewhere.
Suspicions of anomalous art caused i think "prompted" is a more appropriate word here the Authority to investigate the shapes, leading to the discovery of their perfection.
A more thorough exploration found resulted in the discovery of a gilded box containing RPC-XXX. Laying beside the box, <— unneeded comma was the diary of Salomé. "a diary belonging to Salomé" feels more appropriate here, referring to it as THE diary implies it's already been established and the reader already knows about it
Those Golden, It it is of upmost necessity I join their ranks, after I've presented this beauty of a pen to my peers, of course.
I think, I think I love her.
is this guy writing with a stutter
She's sooooooo curvaceous!
here's a tip: when writing journal entries, imagine the character writing it all down himself. i for one would not go through with writing all those Os
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! It's much, much worse!
:|
- sorry man, but i'm just gonna flat-out say it: the group of interest you're trying to establish is not interesting. "character/group that wants perfection" is a done-to-death trope, and this does not bring anything that new to the table. pretty much everything i would say has already been said in #site-discussion in the discord server. you're a fairly new rpc writer, and i'd say immediately trying to create a group of interest is not the way to go. please try writing some standalone articles first.
- there's not really any buildup. we already know a user of the pen goes crazy if they use it for too long, so we pretty much already know what's gonna happen in the diary section. there's no steady descent into madness; in just a couple paragraphs the guy immediately becomes a nutter. additionally, the ending of the diary just comes off as kinda forced. none of it feels like it was actually written down by someone, more like it's his speech transferred onto paper.
- not much to say about the letters from the academy other than that they feel similarly sudden and forced. they still don't have a lot to do with the article, and the letters feel like they only serve to tell the reader again that these shapes make people go crazy. and if it isn't that, the academy's desperation just feels really over-the-top.
this article didn't leave me with any sort of impact or stuff to think of. apart from the bits where the guy describes the shapes as "sexy" and when he mentions cuckholding, which i found pretty funny, i did not get much out of this. apologies, but this just didn't work for me.
blabbo
/forum/t-16366588/spin-oh-spin#post-