First shot at an article. I have looked into a lot of information on the site beforehand, however I may have gotten some things wrong with how the Authority works, so apologies in advance. The title/nickname of this RPC may change, depending on what happens.
The main factor of intrigue is obviously the RPC-XXX-1s. However, they're introduced in such a way that kills offf any momentum that could have been had. Take this for example:
RPC-XXX appears to have kept its previous victims alive and trapped within itself, forever in a state of constant decay and regeneration, instances of these victims are labeled RPC-XXX-1.
This sentence presented from the Authority's point of view describes exactly what RPC-XXX-1 is without any subtlety. By doing so early on in the article, the rest just becomes repetitions of what has already been said. How did the Authority figure out the "constant decay and regeneration" part anyways? I suggest changing this bit of the description; make it make the reader raise suspicions about something deeper, instead of telling them that straight up.
The "RPC-XXX-1" collapsible is a mess. Only the first paragraph is actually about -1. The other two are more about the main anomaly.
I might have missed something, but I can't make sense of the first addendum form a narrative standpoint. What does it actually achieve, in terms of telling a story?
The first and second addendum belong in the description instead of as addenda.
The two audio logs are disappointing. This is because the reader usually expects some kind of reveal from the ending of the article, and such a reveal can be all the more impacting if it comes in the form of an audio-log. Unfortunately, the audio is nothing but ambience. Therefore I believe that if you included the audio logs closer to the middle of the article (possibly around the description?) It could help with theme building.
All in all, the article needs more subtlety to create intrigue. Right now, since the main element is outright told to the reader, the rest of the article feels like a repetitious chore. I do however believe that the theme building is great, especially with the pictured and audio logs (which need to be repositioned). With a bit of work, I think this could turn out pretty great.
reported to Site Security for repairs.
I don't think "Site Security" is a common referral. I suggest reading the containment division hub http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/containment-hub and finding a more suitable group.
cube is to be on standby
Suggestion: cube is on standby
replica containment cube, should
Unecessary comma
RPC-XXX will remain in a comatose
You use the word "comatose" to refer to RPC-XXX's inactive state. Maybe just use the word "inactive" instead?
To which RPC-XXX will begin to actively pursue the individual
This sentence marks the beginning of a new paragraph, and therefore should be seperate from the one; don't begin the paragraph as if it is a sentence in the previous one.
RPC-XXX is "not in a good mood"
Clinical tone hiccup. Try: RPC-XXX is in a disfavorable mood
aftermath of the tornados destruction.
tornado's
RPC-XXX-1 shows signs of extreme distress and mental illness, audio recorded instances of RPC-XXX-1 involve it screaming, crying, and making animalistic sounds, laughter being present in rarer cases.
Suggestion: RPC-XXX-1 instances show signs of extreme distress and mental illness. Audio recording of RPC-XXX-1 display it screaming, crying, and making animalistic sounds. In rarer cases, even laughter is present.
Reports indicated the manifestation of an EF3 tornado in Missouri during this event.
Suggestion: Reports document the manifestation of an EF3 tornado Missouri.
I appreciate the critique! I see what you mean by the RPC-XXX-1 collapsible, slipped my mind while I was working on the other sections. And I see what you meant by the audio logs, also never really noticed that either. I will apply your corrections in the 2nd section to my article as well.
My intention with making the article as direct as possible is because I've seen instances of someone redacting things way too much. So I wanted to put every detail that I could in the article so that the reader wouldn't have to "speculate" if that makes sense.
But alas, your critique will be applied, thank you for your time!
¶ means you need a paragraph break
| Presentation | 5/5 | Great formatting. MOSTLY great use of images- they're AI generated but with SOME of them it's not glaringly obvious and they contribute to the article. Except for the three under "Depictions of RPC-XXX-1". We don't need those and they're distracting, I'd cut them out. |
|---|---|---|
| Content | 2/5 | Kind of awkward. I'm not positive, but with the way it jumps from subject to subject within the same paragraph, it kind of feels like the text is also AI generated sometimes. Are you using a translator? |
| Comments | 3/5 | Cut out the "Depictions" section and use more clinical tone in the text. Nice work, but right now this is a 3-star article. |
This article looks really good. Containment theme was a good choice and matches with the images well. Its organized and I LOVE the format. That's usually a weakness of mine when I write but the way you put this together makes it really easy to read.
RPC-XXX is contained within a specially designed 20ftx20ftx20ft containment cube at Site-██.
Instead of 20ftx… use superscript with ^ to make it 20ft3.
Any issues or damages in the containment structure are to be immediately reported to Site Security for repairs.
End the sentence at "immediately reported" or you can change "to Site Security" to "to Containment personnel. Just a nitpick really.
The containment chamber is equipped with a maze-like layout consisting of designed with 3 false exits and 5 interconnected corridors |. This design serves in order to confuse and impede RPC-XXX's movement in the event of a breach, providing additional time for containment personnel to respond. All corridors within the chamber are to be equipped with surveillance cameras. The entrance of the cell should be welded shut at all times, but can be removed should the need for recontainment arise.
I cut out "providing additional time" because the why of the containment protocols are for the description.
In the event significant damage is done to the primary containment cube, a functional replica of the cube is to be on standby. Ensuring a seamless transfer of RPC-XXX, should the need for relocation arise. In the event of a breach, RPC-XXX is to be re-contained as follows:
Multiple replicas of RPC-XXX's containment cell are on standby for use during repair or recontainment. Personnel are to follow recontainment protocols during transfer of RPC-XXX between cells.
One side of the replica containment cube, should remain unattached from the main structure by default. This side is to be securely welded shut after RPC-XXX has been successfully re-contained. It is noted that RPC-XXX is very sensitive to high frequency sounds, thus the use of loud speakers can aid in its recontainment. In the event of a containment breach, personnel are to utilize high-frequency audio to coerce RPC-XXX back towards the entrance. All personnel must be equipped with full PPE to prevent contact with the anomaly.
Personnel entering the chamber must wear modified hazmat suits to prevent RPC-XXX from touching them in the event of a breach during entry. The entrance to the containment chamber is disguised as a concrete slab located at the south-east corner of the cell. This disguised entrance should be inspected regularly to ensure its concealment remains intact. Merged with previous paragraph.
RPC-XXX at first glance resembles a ball of mist, estimating to be 16 meters in diameter. RPC-XXX can move up to 64 kilometers per hour when pursuing a target, RPC-XXX will remain in a comatose state unless an individual with sentience is within a 6-meter radius of it or is within line of sight.
RPC-XXX resembles a visible aerosol suspended in a spherical shape 16 meters in diameter when at rest, comprised of water droplets. While typically stationary, RPC-XXX manipulates air currents around itself to change positions, usually when in pursuit of a target, recorded at up to 64 kilometers per hour. RPC-XXX engages in this predatory behavior should it detect a living thing. How RPC-XXX perceives is unknown, although it usually is only capable of sensing movement in close proximity to its suspended particles, as it appears to disperse itself across a greater area when attempting to locate a target.
The section in blue is just a suggestion. It's not ideal but I think you should add something like it to at least address how a ball of vapor senses the world around it.
To which RPC-XXX will begin to actively pursue the individual, its behavior in pursuit will vary, as it has been observed to be extremely patient and calm while hunting. But in other cases, it has been observed smashing, beating, and throwing objects out of its way to pursue a target. It is noted that if RPC-XXX is "not in a good mood" during a pursuit, it will grow angrier if the pursuit continues for over 3 minutes. RPC-XXX appears to have kept its previous victims alive and trapped within itself, forever in a state of constant decay and regeneration, instances of these victims are labeled RPC-XXX-1.
RPC-XXX's behavior alternates from a slow, consistent hunt reminiscent of pursuit predators, or a rapid burst at its full speed akin to an ambush predator in nature. Generally, RPC-XXX only engages in the latter when it has been deprived of sustenance for long periods of time. Failure to capture a target with these bursts of speed in a short period of time, typically 3-5 minutes, results in more violent behavior from the anomaly, using its manipulation of air currents to destroy and launch objects around it.
As for RPC-XXX-1: It's pretty edgy. I think its odd to have it mostly seem like an animal but then "it traps people in itself and digests them FOREVER!!". Like does it just live off of them suffering? The whole section could be cut out it's just so strange. I would replace it with how it does capture people and digest them, but maybe it's usually pretty quick. BUT, it slows down and digests people slower if it hasn't gotten a lot of food. So when its in containment, the last person it caught is stuck in there, alive, being slowly digested because the anomaly is worried it'll starve in those conditions.
Depictions of RPC-XXX-1
These images are really silly looking and they don't contribute to the article. Out of universe, they don't look good. In universe, why would the RPC Authority put these in a document? If they're not real photos and they're not well made, why include them? Cut them out.
This is good! Keep working on it, but please keep my comments in mind.
I appreciate the critique! I'll admit formatting and vocabulary are not my strong suits. And I'll also be honest, I did have ChatGPT critique my work, so I used some of its suggestions in rewording a few sentences.
Regarding the RPC-XXX-1 depictions, i kinda just wanted to throw some mystery as to what happens to the victims trapped inside the mist. But your proposal also would fit as well, I will bear your comments in mind.
And some images were AI generated, but Photoshop was also involved.
I appreciate your time and I will make sure to implement your critique in some way shape or form!
