http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/area-51-spooky
I am tired, please crit so I can go to sleep, and yes, this is for the event
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/area-51-spooky
I am tired, please crit so I can go to sleep, and yes, this is for the event
Authority web crawlers are to monitor social media sites for accounts, pages, and communities that are operated by users that have been affected by RPC-XXX-A.
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Authority web crawlers are to monitor social media sites for accounts, pages, and communities operated by users affected by RPC-XXX-A.
Individuals that attempt to break into or infiltrate Site-002 are to be apprehended by on-site security personnel.
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On-site security personnel will apprehend individuals attempting to break into or infiltrate Site-002.
Response Team "Roswell", RPC-XXX's
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Response Team "Roswell," RPC-XXX's
containment protocols are to be updated
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containment protocols will be updated
Authority web crawlers are to monitor social media sites for accounts, pages, and communities that are operated by users that have been affected by RPC-XXX-A.
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Authority web crawlers are to monitor social media sites for accounts, pages, and communities operated by users affected by RPC-XXX-A.
Individuals that attempt to break into or infiltrate Site-002 are to be apprehended by on-site security personnel.
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On-site security personnel will apprehend Individuals attempting to enter or infiltrate Site-002.
distinct anomalies that have been designated
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distinct anomalies that have been designated
RPC-XXX-A causes affected individuals to suddenly believe in the existence of extraterrestrial lifeforms, as well as the fact that Area 51 is not a United States Air Force testing range
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RPC-XXX-A causes affected individuals to believe in the existence of extraterrestrial lifeforms suddenly and that Area 51 is not a United States Air Force testing range
lifeforms, as well as their technology.
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lifeforms and their technology.
Direct exposure to RPC-XXX-B's strobe lights seems to be the direct cause of RPC-XXX-A.
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Direct exposure to RPC-XXX-B's strobe lights induces RPC-XXX-A.
The majority of individuals affected by RPC-XXX-A
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Most individuals affected by RPC-XXX-A
The Veil, although
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The Veil. However,
there have been several recorded incidents of affected individuals attempting to break into or infiltrate Site-002.
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several recorded incidents have occurred of affected individuals attempting to break into or infiltrate Site-002.
belief perseverance, and will continuously attempt to defend themselves against individuals that try to convince them that they are wrong.
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belief perseverance. They will continuously attempt to defend themselves against individuals trying to convince them they are wrong.
pretend to be members of the United States Air Force instructed
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pretending to be United States Air Force members were instructed
for a third time, and
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for a third time and
not long after, and
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not long after and
and were transfered to the
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and were transferred to the
Mr. Mitchell claimed that the public deserved to know about what was going on and that this violated his First Amendment rights, and claimed that he was being silenced by a secret government organization because he knew too much.
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Mr. Mitchell claimed that the public deserved to know what was happening and that this violated his First Amendment rights. He claimed a secret government organization was silencing him because he knew too much.
You hate to see it, but it had to be done. Anything to maintain the veil of secrecy.
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You hate to see it, but anything must be done to maintain the veil of secrecy.
This just pisses me off, who the hell did this?
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This pisses me off. Who the hell did this?
And this isn't the first time that I've seen something like this either.
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Moreover, this is not my first time seeing something like this.
been given, consider this a warning.
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been given. Consider this a warning.
Crit in DMs. 1/5. Please read.
I’m sorry; I know you put your heart into this, but the article is 1/5. It's bad. The biggest issue is that nothing within the article is anomalous. Full stop. Nothing about this article — especially in the information age where everyone has a voice, rampant conspiracism, and information goes viral — can we even pretend that this article is anomalous.
Second, we never learn nor develop the anomaly. It's just people going crazy. And theoretically, that would be fine, but you need to add more. There’s nothing for me to bite into. Furthermore, the written notes are badly written and add awful insight. It's just filler dialog that conveys nothing about the anomaly or what it's like containing. Half of these incidents are just incompetence, further taking away from the legitimacy of the anomaly. You need to show more. You need to hint at something anomalous and wrong with these people beyond being dumb or annoying enough to commit stochastic terrorism.
Third, Site-002’s cover story is for Homey Airport. What the fuck do you mean people mistake it for Area 51? It has a separate cover story and building. These are two separate but ultimately close-together areas of land.
Fourth, the last interview log is just a filler. It's filler. It says nothing; it adds nothing.
Ultimately, it's just a rather vacuous article that doesn’t have a lot to say nor says it well. It needs to ask itself some definite questions. What’s anomalous about it? How can it hint at it being anomalous? What does it want to say about how it relates to the hoax centering 002? What does it want to say in its final transcript? I kinda blame myself: I suggested it could be a comedy article; for it to focus on whacky events to be interesting. But the first draft comes off more as absurd than comedic and interesting. Some of them just end in random sparks of violence with no real author commentary about it.
The article could do many creative things to fix or help alleviate these problems: Drag out incident reports. Make them more detailed cluster fucks. Define what the actual anomaly is. Maybe explore the RPC as a cobbled-together file that the Authority just now realizes, “Oh shit, it's an actual anomaly trying to bleed us out.” … To be fair, none of these ideas were used or even attempted after I had said something. So there’s still potential. But this first draft is everything I had feared in the first place.
I have a lot of complaints with the description. For one thing, RPC-XXX-A is not anomalous on its own and probably shouldn't have a designation, let alone be introduced first. The article should be about the UFO which causes the idea, not the idea itself with the UFO tacked on as an afterthought. Much of the description sinks because it tries to suggest that a normal idea is conclusively anomalous, and its sequence of events is literally backwards.
Plus, it goes way too fast. The description beelines to its point in a forced and unnatural manner that stops it from soaking in the fun opportunities that could be explored along the way. Lastly, the inclusion of "national parks" in the list of places the object frequents felt overtly like it was trying too hard to fit in with the event.
I wasn't too optimistic for this article when you showed me earlier drafts, but I was pleasantly surprised by the outcome this time. The incident logs are punchy and memorable. I really liked them. I don't really know how to praise incident logs, but rest assured that these in particular are The Good Shit. Fun, exciting, palpable, whatever. The second one was dumb, but in a way that had me both smiling and rolling my eyes, so make of that what you will. (It is fiction after all, so I suppose I can forgive it going off the rails a little as long as it's fun.)
However, the notes in this segment sound too aggressive.
This just pisses me off, who the hell did this? Why the fuck is this one archived when the entire thing is just redacted?
This is just stupid.
Why am I asking all of these damn questions? I don't know what to do anymore. Days like this make me feel like maintaining the veil is pointless.
Jeez, talk about a hostile work environment. I don't really like when personnel act constantly angry to express how serious and no-nonsense the Authority is, because it usually backfires and makes them seem childish and unstable. Emotions are good, but constant anger is tiring.
The final log was pretty great in my opinion. It fully realizes the "conspiracy" part of this event and carries some great dialogue to boot. She's not the most detailed character in the world, but I really like how a character who I initially guessed would be a "conspiracy nut" was made so sympathetic. This part also validates the event connection in my eyes, though I do think that's still a weak point that will challenge the article's placement in the contest.
Not sure where else to say this, but I love this draft's use of both real-world connections and crosslinks. They're executed superbly, and it's the stuff I'm pleased to be seeing more of lately.
I don't agree with Qual's negative crit, but I do think there's still more room for this idea to be explored. The possibility that the UFO's message could actually be a call to help a fellow anomaly, or potentially multiple, isn't really used at all, and that struck me as a particularly apparent implication from the premise. Come to think of it, the UFO's delusions aren't described directly either. I'd think there'd be some follow-up on the supposed alien torture, like an interview log or something, but not so. Not that parts should be added haphazardly, but it's a valid idea.
Overall, my strongest recommendations are that the anomaly's description should be totally reconsidered and that there should be a stronger attachment to the event. The final log is the loose thread making this a Missing RPC article and not a "vaguely conspiracy-themed" article, and that's a point that should be improved. If you can solve the sensitive points that hinder this article, I believe it could become your best one yet.
Confirmed sightings of RPC-XXX-B are to be debunked.
This statement leaves a bit to be desired. The current tone is a bit weird; sightings must be confirmed before debunking? Also, "debunk" suggests the encounters are actually false. More color could be used to express just how vicously the Authority will censor truth-seekers. It could be an entire paragraph of its own!
Individuals that attempt to break into or infiltrate Site-002 are to be apprehended by on-site security personnel.
Captain obvious? I think that happens normally.
ASF Rapid Response Team "Roswell" is authorized to use lethal force in order to subdue RPC-XXX-B before replacing the restraints.
How does one use lethal force on a piece of metal?
Description: RPC-XXX refers to two distinct anomalies that have been designated RPC-XXX-A and RPC-XXX-B respectively.
Normally I would criticize the usage of "refers to" and "designated" at the beginning of the description, but this sentence is pretty smooth. I felt like that was worth acknowledging :-)
RPC-XXX-A refers to a phenomenon that affects 0.2% of the total human population.
This, however, I'll nitpick. I've said it a million times, but always ask yourself if you're using the phrase "refers to" when "is" would suffice.
RPC-XXX-A causes affected individuals to suddenly believe in the existence of extraterrestrial lifeforms, as well as the fact that Area 51 is not a United States Air Force testing range, but is a top-secret facility operated by the U.S. Government for the sole purpose of capturing, studying, and containing extraterrestrial lifeforms, as well as their technology.
This sentence has way too much being unloaded at once. It also sounds too matter-of-fact for such a vague and general anomaly. A much slower build of information should be used here. I also question the use of the word "fact", as it would imply the information listed to be true.
Nevada State Route 375, designated as the "Extraterrestrial Highway" by the State of Nevada due to it's proximity to Site-002.
Wrong form of "its".
RPC-XXX-B refers to an unidentified aircraft that measures roughly 20 meters in width and 10 meters in height and is similar in design to that of a stereotypical alien saucer.
I don't know if this is exactly a run-on sentence, but it's certainly too loaded. The last part could definitely be its own sentence. Also, note the use of "refers to" instead of "is" again.
Several photographs taken of RPC-XXX-B reveal tentacle-like appendages protruding out of the bottom of the saucer.
Is this feature present in all the photographs? Why only photographs? I dunno, this whole sentence seems too weirdly hedgy and indecisive to me.
RPC-XXX-B rarely travels into densely populated areas
Why describe something that doesn't happen? This is tolerable writing when the object and its functionality is well established, but when the early impression of an anomaly involves phrases like "RPC-XXX does not typically/ever do Y", it's not usually a good thing.
is usually seen flying over isolated communities, remote forests, national parks, and especially the Nevada Desert.
"Usually" and "especially" are imprecise, informal words. Think of phrases along the lines of "most frequently sighted".
Direct exposure to RPC-XXX-B's strobe lights seems to be the direct cause of RPC-XXX-A.
"Seems"? Hedging! Also, RPC-XXX-B has not been said to have strobe lights before this sentence. In my opinion, that's another example of how the pace of this description should be more relaxed.
RPC-XXX-A will slowly begin to negatively affect how individuals perceive the world around them
"Negatively affect" is such a sadly generic phrase. I can think of so many more exciting things: "detach from reality", "bring about delusions"… The sky's the limit, really.
The majority of individuals affected by RPC-XXX-A are generally harmless and currently do not pose a direct threat to the Authority or The Veil
I don't think "The Veil" should be capitalized. Even if that could work elsewhere, it's rather silly in this otherwise laid-back sentence.
will continuously attempt to defend themselves against individuals that try to convince them that they are wrong.
Should be "individuals who".
Right, so since there are so many of these, I've decided to make everyone's job a little bit easier and compile most of the notable 'incidents' related to RPC-XXX-A here.
Dialogue might be subjective, but I think the mention of "making everyone's job a little easier" is unnatural and over-explained. Were I the one writing this note in-universe, I would probably just leave it at a statement of what I did without assigning any purpose to it. Speaking of, who even wrote this note? It's a bit weird to have an italicized note with no immediate author listed.
The 2 other perpetrators were apprehended not long after, and were transfered to the Nevada State Prison.
On Discord, you mentioned using Canadian spellings for some words, so I looked this up, but apparently "transferred" should always have two Rs regardless of where the writer is from. Come to your own conclusion, I guess.
The second incident log lacks the double newline between the date and the list of perpetrators. A minor formatting quirk, but it's there.
which was contained inside of a hanger in Site-002's surface zone
It's a "hangar".
missing person's registry
I don't think this should be possessive.
You don't need to put quotation marks around every paragraph in the ending transcript to make it clear that it's a transcript. If clarity is a concern, add a foreword to the section.
Now folks, I've known this man since High School.
"High school" shouldn't be capitalized.
He doesn't believe in UFOs or any other "silly conspiracy theory" he just loves to explore.
Missing comma.
He was born as an explorer and he will die as an explorer. And here he is, telling me that he was possibly abducted by one while out hiking.
Abducted by an explorer? lol
The links to Fail-Safe and Missing RPC are partially broken right now; note the closing bracket at the end of the URL it sends you to. Doesn't mean much, but I felt I should point it out.