Scares in The Woods
Scares in The Woods
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» Scares in The Woods
Summary:
Event Article
I'm assuming this article is supposed to be referencing things (Teton squid, Big dipper, ocean of fire, medicine wheel, Git-she Old-jeeg?), I just don't know what the importance of these references in the context of the article is. This could be a consequence of me being unknowledgeable about certain concepts, but I believe that the author should include hints and clues that allows the reader to grasp what an article is presenting without having prior, niche knowledge. Furthermore, the "random" effects in the beginning experiment log just added to the confusion. Additionally, the dialogue is written in such a way that it was hard for me to fully comprehend what was being said. The southern accents mixed with "uhmms" and "ohhs" break up the flow of the reading and add nothing but confusion. Why would a researcher writing a log even include these bits in the first place?
When a human comes into contact with an instance of RPC-XXX, no initial effects occur, although most witnesses have mentioned feeling a chilling sensation upon doing so. Remaining in contact with an instance of RPC-XXX will cause various effects, from minor symptoms of cephalalgia3 to major destabilization of the surrounding area.4 While in most cases this will uiltmately result in the death of the person in contact with RPC-XXX, there have been recorded instances of subjects surviving the effects or not being targeted by the more severe effects. The corpses of all human subjects that died as a result of the effects of RPC-XXX will demanifest at the same time as the anomaly, regardless of their proximity to or contact with the anomaly or any other objects.
This paragraph uses the word "effects" 6 times. A bit repetitious.
CSD-23094 was asked to hold onto a portion of an a RPC-XXX instance
CSD-23094 was asked to hold onto a portion of an a RPC-XXX instance
Thankfully, he was able to recover within
"Thankfully" isn't very clinical. I think "Fortunately" would fit better.
workers helmet, a two way radio, and a camera located on his helmet
Tad bit repetitious, maybe try " and a headcam".
Dr. Verlaine: Ah yes, looking at the schematics for the original ride, it seems as though there should be a large breaker box hidden behind the exit area on the right.
CSD-23094: Alright doc, I'll take a looksee over there then.
CSD-23094 walks towards a large metal box with a lever on the side of it.
CSD-23094: Wow! I ain't seen one o' these in a long time, my pops used to have a couple o' these old fuseboxes. I suppose it makes sense it would be here considerin' how old these things look.
There are occasions such as these where you haven't spaced the dialogue.
| Presentation | 5/5 | Great image, great format. Hazard types stick out against the background and, from my laptop at least, they cause a weird space between the class icon. I would type them out instead of using the icons. The spacing on the addenda and the collapsibles are very clean, so I'm going to steal your formatting in the future. |
|---|---|---|
| Content | 2/5 | Good description. You are terrible at dialogue. Dialogue is also the majority of the article, which is a shame. |
| Comments | 3/5 | Excellent capture of the event's theme. However, the title "Scares in the Woods" is awful, so you should change that. Also, make the dialogue more clinical and professional since that would make it easier for you to write. |
Glaciar National Park
Glacier. If you download Grammarly, it can provide spelling corrections even in Wikidot. Helped me.
Hiking trails within approx. 50 miles of these locations are to be searched as well for possible instances. If an instance of RPC-XXX is discovered within 100 feet of a hiking trail, agents are to work with park personnel to temporarily shut down the area until the instance demanifests.
Switch the places of these two sentences. "If an instance is discovered[…] hiking trails within 50 miles are to be searched as well."
There have been no recorded instances of RPC-XXX instances manifesting in front of an agent, but if it happens, agents are required to distance themselves from the instance, radio an SOS and inject their provided Class T-1 Amnestic into their non-dominant forearm.
In the event of a live RPC-XXX manifestation encountered in the field, the agent must immediately distance themselves, radio an SOS, and inject their non-dominant forearm with the Class T-1 amnestic provided to all assigned personnel.
Also put a paragraph break after that.
RPC-XXX is phenomenon
A phenomenon. Download grammarly.
While the effect is normally fairly weak, according to civillian witnesses it can be almost impossible to ignore when an instance first manifests.
The effect is, according to witnesses, "impossible to ignore" immediately following the manifestation but appears to weaken over time.
Any animal (outside of humans) that touch RPC-XXX instances either fall unconscious or enter a state of high adrenaline, resulting in them fleeing the instance.
Non-humans in contact with RPC-XXX will either fall unconscious or suddenly flee due to a burst of adrenaline. There is no significant correlation to the effect.
When a human comes into contact with an instance of RPC-XXX, there is usually no immediate reaction, although most witnesses have mentioned feeling a chilling sensation upon doing so.
Beyond a "chilling sensation," witnesses do not report any initial reaction upon contact with an instance.
something urgently5.
Put the footnote after the punctuation.
I gotcha Doc. I'm hearin' ya just fine. I s'pose this here maze is what ya need me to walk into? Nobody's gonna, uh go up in flames again right?
Don't do the accent in the text. It looks really bad.
53189?!
Nobody would scream a full string of numbers. She would say "Five?!" or his name.
I hope this isn't some attempt at a sort of joke to scare me. After what happened to Lawrence, I don't need my assistants giving me unclear omens of doom like this is some final destination movie.
I would make the dialogue a lot more professional and clinical since that would be a lot easier for you to write.
Dr. Verlaine attempted to enter the RPC-XXX instance in order to assist CSD-53189
So a doctor that read the document on how RPC-XXX kills anyone who touches it, has witnessed three previous experiments where everyone who touched RPC-XXX was killed, and knows that the CSD has likely died from touching RPC-XXX, tries to touch RPC-XXX?
Hey ehh, Doc, so just checking the plan again… you want me to try and turn this thing on, and then ride the damn thing? I mean I'm no expert but I don' think that's the wisest idea, 'specially after last time.
Stop.
Crit given in DMS. 4/5 stars
ConProcs
Description
RPC-XXX is phenomenon affecting the areas of Grand Teton National Park, Yosemite National Park and Glacier National Park where structures resembling antique amusement park attractions
I think you should say “in which structures”—sounds more clinical and more grammatical
although most witnesses have mentioned feeling a chilling sensation upon doing so.
Might want to mention if that means they feel physically cold or if that’s more like a feeling of dread and foreboding.
Experiment Log
Thankfully, he was able to recover within the next couple of days
I feel like saying “thankfully” here is not clinical.
Audio Visual Log
The instance chosen resembled an early ghost train, specifically Haunted House by Pretzel Amusements.
Might want to include some context for what “Pretzel Amusements” is in a footnote instead of just dropping the name in there.
CSD-23094: Whatever you say. I'm still not completely on board, but it's not like I got anything better to do right?
CSD-23094: So uh, do you know where the controls that would turn this ride on are? I don't exactly see any giant levers to pull.
Might want to put in a bit between these two like you do later in the log (CSD-23094 walks towards a large metal box), since there’s an odd gap. You do this alot towards the end, not sure if it’s deliberate.
Next HW-up, chrissakes
What does that mean?
Its a medicine wheel
“It’s” not “its”. Also, you kind of just drop the term medicine wheel in like it’s something people would recognize, I realize it’s a real thing, but a footnote might not be a bad idea
As a final note, you don’t mention what Document XXX-03 from the Containment Protocols is or how it’s supposed to help. Also, It’s listed as an explosive hazard, I don’t think there’s anything explosive about it.
Final Thoughts
It’s okay I guess. Writing’s alright, but overall nothing really stuck out as particularly memorable about it. It’s a weird thing in the woods, apparently grabbing people and making them part of the ride, nothing particularly unique, though the picture is very nice and atmospheric. The twist at the end wasn’t too bad though, nice touch letting the CSD get out and having the researcher die. So overall, I’d maybe give it a 3/5.
Situation normal, Cap'n! Spiraling out of control!
/forum/t-16172195/scares-in-the-woods#post-