Teton Land Squid
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/bro-thro
Read and judge me
Teton Land Squid
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» Teton Land Squid
Summary:
Marked for Archive
So I would rate this 1 star because there are a lot of dumb mistakes that make this draft look stupid. Otherwise it is five stars. Examples:
Should personnel be notably affected, they are to receive minor therapy to reverse its effects upon their psychology as much as possible.
Shorten why do you need to make it so friggin long. "Clearly affected personnel will be assigned to therapy until considered mentally sound" or something like that cmon.
2, nonviolent, L2 CSD
A modified, large organism
food delivery, with a
Is someone holding a gun to your head and forcing you to add these commas boy. Active voice right now. "Large modified organism"
designated R608A12
I don't care about the designation of this meme and NOBODY does it is unnecessary you are introducing pointless names and numbers get rid of this it is stupid.
has been
Stop using "has been" you use it way too often you can use it twice tops get real man
ovoid
Nobody wants to do a google search mid article just say egg-shaped you nerd.
It is 3.4 meters tall from base to tip, is 2 meters in circumference at its widest, and possesses 3 2 meter long tendrils emerging from its base.
Are you a jokester? Why not just say "The anomaly is 3.4 meters tall, 2 meters in diameter, with 3 prehensile tendrils emerging from its base that are each 2 meters long."
During hunting periods, it will identify, track, terminate, and violently desecrate, dubbed "feeding," the bodies 2 to 6 subjects.
Dude i dont even know what you were going for here. Why even put feeding in quotation marks what else is it doing.
// Error // Do Not Proceed // Error //
This is a stupid header and cliche. No good
This feels rushed. The article has 2 main points of interest; that the creature kills and eviscerates prey for seemingly no reason, and that it has a memetic effect which makes people search for it. The first part is developed (leaving little to the imagination) in the "Known and suspected victims" log. The second is mentioned in the description and forgotten about, even though it has the potential of escalating the article above mediocracy. It's used in the discovery log, but that isn't enough. If 120 people saw the video, how come that the only searcher for it is Timothy Arbuckle? The final note adds little to the story, even though it could have shown how some of the aforementioned forgotten about memetic effects can affect a victim. As it stands, the article would be below average, so I'd rate it 2/5. If you spend a bit of time developing your ideas and how to present them, I could see my rating increase.
Materials RPC-608 is capable of affecting, designated 608-A material
What materials? they're not mentioned anywhere else in the article. If this is supposed to be referring to the infohazardous property, I suggest changing "material" to "documentation" or something more appropriate. Also, drop the "608-A", It isn't needed and clogs up the article.
2, nonviolent, L2 CSD
As the comment above me said, you use too many commas.
walkie talkies
Replace with "handheld transceiver's" to maintain the clinical tone. You can add a footnote clarifying if you believe that reader won't understand.
In spite of a lack of need for sustenance
Change to "In spite of not needing sustenance" or "In spite of sustenance being extraneous".
the longer time is between successful hunts
Missing an article
During hunting periods, it will identify, track, terminate, and violently desecrate, dubbed "feeding," the bodies 2 to 6 subjects.
Change to: "During hunting periods it will identify, track, terminate, and violently desecrate the bodies of 2 to 6 subjects. (You don't need the feeding part, the reader can figure that out themselves. And you forgot an "of".)
which subconsciously compel individuals exposed to them to investigate
Change to "which compel affected individuals to investigate"
Known and Suspected Victims Log
How are the victims "suspected" if their bodies have been discovered?
// Error // Do Not Proceed // Error //
Why is this error notice here? Is it supposed to reference the infohazard? If so, I don't see how.
Addendum 608-4: Map of Activity +
I'm assuming this is either planned content or an accidental inclusion.
It's a large squid, and it updates anything written about it with it's latest kill? This entire thing seems to lack over arching coherency or theme. Reading it, it feels like you just threw some things you felt were cool together and it doesn't really have anything interesting to hook a user into reading it and ends up scatter shot with no where for the imagination to focus. Maybe try breaking it up into separate ideas and expanding on those. But as it stands it's all just kind of a grey paste of things with nothing that stands out.
This is pretty decent so I don't have much to add. My one big complaint is that the warning message is a bit of a buzzkill. The article otherwise uses a gradual buildup to make the anomalous influence apparent and has neatly subtle interconnectedness at times (e.g. the camera), so to give the trick away like that immediately is a letdown.
The discovery log feels somewhat out of place in this regard. It seems more like it was written to connect to the event than to serve the article itself. I don't really ask for it to be changed, but I wanted to observe that it does feel loose when the rest of the article is so self-involved.
The third addendum, besides obviously marking the descent into more affected writing and also introducing the mine, seemed kinda cheesy and uneventful. It's ok, but there's not much character to it. Its existence doesn't seem bound to reality; I couldn't picture him actually sitting down and writing it. I just viewed it as a straightforward projection of his thoughts.
I made a few points that I felt were of interest, but as a whole I thought this was perfectly decent. The gimmick is done well, and I can't always say that about anomalies that mess with their article directly. Probably a 4/5 from me, and definitely no lower.
This article has numerous incomplete sentence fragments:
Allowing for increased flexibility and greater access to restrictive spaces.
RPC-608 favoring lone, old, young, and visibly injured individuals above others.
Utilizing its form to camouflage into geology surrounding it and attacking prey subjects by surprise.
These flight responses exacerbated by overwhelming sound and light.
Dated to April 25.
Hazard Types: Animate, Aggressive, Transmutation, Infohazard, Visual, Auditory, Mind Control
Three hazards are misnamed: "Animated", "Aggression", and "Info-Hazard".
Media RPC-608 is capable of altering will be restricted to level 4R/4C security clearance.
This is a confusing sentence to start off with. The word "media" implies something of a public presence, but the fact that they "restrict" it suggests that it's exclusively in the Authority's possession. I think that specifically acknowledging what kind of media triggers the anomaly would be a better use of ConProts foreshadowing, because this first paragraph is otherwise strange.
Should the anomaly be contained, the soonest viable version of this agent will be disseminated to the public to insure against civilian discovery of Authority facilities should altered media spread.
Rather bulky sentence. It also uses the phrase "should x" twice; which condition applies?
Samples of it revert to nonanomalous stone upon removal from its main mass.
I suggest the word "mundane" is used her. "Nonanomalous" is a mouthful.
Damage it sustains does not heal, as a result it is currently missing an estimated 26% of its original mass.
Run-on sentence. Separate or use a conjunction.
n spite of not needing sustenance
Missing letter in "in".
However it will hunt healthy and grouped individuals if "hungry" enough.
There should be a comma after "however".
Both the original and uploaded instances of the footage were however altered by RPC-608's properties.
I believe there should be commas around "however".
██ individuals currently present in the Teton Mountains have been tied to ████'s upload.
I don't really understand what this sentence means, to be honest. "Tied to" how?
RPC-608 memetic affliction
I think there might be a typo here, though it could just be odd wording.
town's people
"Townspeople" is one word.
Oh but a few gunshots is enough to scare it away.
Missing comma. I also want to point out that "a few gunshots" are plural while the verb ("is") is singular, but I could understand why it would be written this way.
And I will be the one to ensure that that study succeeds.
Repetitive "that that".
Also, this could be my ass talking, but it's funny how he bolded a hand(?)written journal entry.
Oh the accolades I will gain.
Another spot where I so yearn for a comma but do not see it.
left most
"Leftmost" is one word.
camera is removed and shifting of papers is heard as Arbuckle begins to take notes.
Missing capitalization at the start of this sentence.
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