RPC-XXX: Introducing PRYONEX!
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/thaddaeus
Here it is.
RPC-XXX: Introducing PRYONEX!
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» RPC-XXX: Introducing PRYONEX!
Summary:
My first RPC, and hopefully not my last. It's a fairly short one, with the main focus being on it being developed and it's effects.
- Use metric units.
- Fix the counting of hours. It should be 1st, not 1rst. The same is true for the other hours.
with a constant temperature of below 32°C.
while the former batch must be disposed of through the use of a furnace
at least one level-4 employee
Capitalize "level."
Only personnel approved by Dr. ███ may access RPC-XXX for anything outside of what is stated above.
Instead of a specific doctor, mention something along the lines of "acting research supervisor." You can then use a footnote to mention that Dr. ███ is currently fulfilling that role.
Rephrasing: RPC-XXX is a chemical product with a short lifespan that, when administered to humans, boosts their physical performance and induces a heightened work ethic and motivation.
Upon the synthesis of RPC-XXX it will being to ferment,
Rephrasing: However, it is important to note that RPC-XXX will begin to decay thereafter, rendering it ineffective within the same time frame it took to ferment. As such, the formula must be consistently resynthesized.
Rephrasing: Upon consumption, RPC-XXX causes rapid muscular growth, as well as increased stamina and mental abilities. Medical evaluations have revealed that these effects result from rapid chemical changes within the body, as well as neurological rewiring.
Any attempts to replicate RPC-XXX or access its formula without proper authorization are strictly prohibited and will be met with swift and severe consequences.
This is already implied in the conprocs.
these have only been an issue during its current stage of development
Rephrasing: These effects are not intended or desired outcomes, and efforts are being made to address and mitigate them as part of the ongoing development process. Once this process is completed, RPC-XXX will serve exclusively for the betterment of the Authority.
Procedure: The subject is administered 7.5 milligrams of RPC-XXX in the form of an IV three times in eight hours, followed by tests of physical and mental state. Notes of progress are taken as the experiment is ongoing by Dr. ███, starting immediately after the first administration.
MSts
Should be "MSTs."
The subject reports pain in his limbs and abdominal region, tests show rapid muscle growth in his body, even without exercise.
Rephrase: Cpl. John Williams, who fled from the site before its destruction, remained as the incident's sole survivor.
**Agent █████:*
Formatting issue.
- Go through the article again and look for other cases of awkward sentences. There are a few of them which while grammatically correct, could be re-phrased.
- Try to shorten the test of Formula 1 and 2 by making it more concise and focused. As it is now, the section is difficult to get through.
- The dialogue in the final interview log was good. It definitely felt more natural than some others I have read.
- I would remove all the "…" from the Dr. ███ and in general tone down his personality a little bit.
- Making an article about the origin of Alpha 1 is ambitious. I just feel like the entire piece could use something to spice it up. As it is now, it just feels like the typical trope of a super-soldier serum going wrong with mild body horror. If you put in the effort to make the whole article more memorable I feel like it could become a classic.
64 fluid ounces of liquid
I think you should use liters
No experimentation or testing with RPC-XXX is presently authorized and will remain so until further notice. In anticipation of its decay rate, a new batch of RPC-XXX is to be created every 72 hours, while the former batch must be destroyed through the use of a furnace.
This whole part is written rather sloppily, i'd recommend rewriting it.
short-life
I believe there shouldnt be a dash.
which when administered to humans enhances their physical performance,
in sentences like these the first and seconds halves must be swapped.
These scientists are required to undergo the administration of anopticin after producing a batch,
Why? If it is to wipe their memory, then that is not the purpose of anopticin within the plot, anopticin simply blocks inconsistencies in perception, it doesn't erase their memory. Amnestics do that. If you knew that and still used anopticin, then explain why it and not amnestics.
Upon creation the chemical composition of RPC-XXX will being to ferment
This sentence is grammatically and logically incorrect to the point that i can't point out which part specifically.
Upon fermentation, the product may be used for the effects mentioned above
This is written rather sloppily.
Such the formula must be consistently remade.
Incorrect word usage. Try "because of that" or something among these lines
Upon consumption, RPC-XXX causes rapid muscular growth, as well as increased stamina and mental abilities, which following medical evaluations have been shown to come from rapid chemical changes in the body, as well as neurological rewiring. Any attempts to replicate RPC-XXX or access its formula without proper authorization are strictly prohibited and will be met with swift and severe consequences.
This whole paragraph should be dissolved among the previous things. The first sentence should be placed in the first description paragraph, since the information is pretty important. And the second sentence should be in containment IMO, as it describes standard safety protocols of handling the RPC (in this case, unauthorized access).
RPC-XXX is ongoing development under the jurisdiction of the RPC Authority,
Either this sentence should be said much earlier, or it is contradictory to the article. I recomend simply saying something like "RPC-XXX is a currently developed thing bla bla bla" or something among these lines.
CSD-7842's pain has decreased slightly (perhaps because of his body getting used to it)
the sentence in parenthesis is not very clinical tone. What do you mean "getting used to it" specifically and scientifically?
totalling around 5 pounds,
1) kilograms 2) "in weight" at the end
200 lbs
kilograms
remove the footnote, it ruins the clinical tone. If you REALLY want to leave it in, put it in quotes and then say something like "DR. Blank commented."
citing pain
sloppy
the subject reports considerably more muscle
sloppy again. Just copy paste how you wrote muscle growth earlier, it worked.
190 pounds, with 15 gained pounds of muscle, as well as 2'' of height now standing at 5-10
kilograms, kilograms, meters.
intravenous fluids
afaik, "intravenous fluids" is not a medical phrase.
from "you f██king unhinged retarded baboon".
Who? Elaborate on that.
CSD-7842 reports that his pain has gone down considerably, physical tests show pain to have increased
How do they measure pain?
Also, i omitted multiple mentions of pounds. Use kilograms.
Final administration, the subject is released from his restrains afterward, and is in an especially agreeable mood, I suspect this to be a result of RPC-XXX.
This is the first mention of "I." It would be fine if it was earlier, but it is at the middle of the log and very jarring before of that. Either remove it or add more I's before.
Subjects report a bench of 1200 pounds, and a back squat of 2005, breaking world records.
Who are these subjects? If it is the one being experimented on, then this sentence is wrong. Rewrite it, either way
the statement is, again, not clinical, and not what a professional researcher would write in an official report either. I'd suggest a more professional approach with light gag or snark to highlight his character. Maybe add a footnote, like "In private, DR. Blank later commented: "*the way the report is written now*"
but what I'll tell you the second that thing when in the skin grew over it.
Incomprehensible sentence.
I promise you, it was healded in 30 seconds most. It was crazy
notice the typo
In general the second log has many errors that cant be excused by "its said speech" look over it and redo some parts.
Site-59 was destroyed by the Authority on the date of ██/██/23 by bombardment
1) replace "destroyed" by "bombarded" and rewrite the sentence around that. 2) Why? Explain.
Agent █████: Who are they? And what exactly did they give you?
After that line, there is a missing enter between this and the next line, add it in.
In general: This is a very great concept and a fairly good execution. However, this article has a couple questions that i believe were not answered, or given hints at the answer, anywhere in the article:
1) What is this RPC exactly? Was it a retrieved formula from some other facility or was it developed by the Authority?
2) If it is So deeply understood by the Authority, why doesn't it have the "Explained" classification?
3) Why is it a Theta class when that class was deprecated in favor of the modern "Utility" class?
4) Why was site-59 bombarded and destroyed?
5) Why is it red lethality?
That's about it. My debt has been paid.
Heinrich Himmler
About me:
Age: 13
Nationality: Filipino
Thanks.
1) Answered in footnote.
2) It's not, rewrote to make that clearer.
3) I wanted to use it so I did.
4) (Not explicitly stated) But to kill the 3 renegades.
5) "Red-rated RPCs denote anomalies that are actively lethal, making direct interaction a constant or variable risk." I believe it fits this.
Your debt is gone.
/forum/t-15857868/rpc-xxx:introducing-pryonex#post-