http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/nukesarentreal
Last minute entry to the Minimalism Contest.
Concerns
1. Is the audio log satisfactory or should it be removed/edited?
2. Should the 2nd transmission receive an audio log or no? I was creating one but wasn't satisfied with how it turned out
The Authority shall, however, continue working with the Russian government to obscure the existence of RPC-X with an official cover story of the existence of a military base at the anomalies coordinates.
Change "anomalies" to "anomaly's". The clinical tone in this sentence also sounds a bit weird, but this is more of a nitpick than anything since I can't really put my finger on it. I'll leave this for another crit
RPC-X refers to a mushroom cloud
I feel like this part would sound better if you changed "refers to" to "is", and it also takes a word off of your total word count
This Audio file has a high volume.
Change "Audio" to "audio". Doesn't need to be capitalized
Addendum: Incident-X-01
This addendum should be put in a collapsible because it looks weird in its current state
On 19/07/2017, the following transmission was received from RPC-X
Add a colon at the end of this sentence (:)
This leaves 6 individuals missing if the broadcast is indeed accurate, of which; this includes the pilot, Yakov Chuikov, along with 2 others.
Change to: "This would leave 6 individuals missing if the broadcast is indeed accurate, of which the pilot (Yakov Chuikov) and 2 others are included." Flows a bit better imo
This is probably my personal favorite entry for Mincon so far. Like I already said in the discord, I don't really have any crit that's actually meaningful since I think the article is near-perfect in its current state, aside from some of the SPAG-related concerns I mentioned above. There might be more, but I can't be bothered to skim through and meticulously point out all of them so I'll leave them to the other to point out. I really like the idea of a stationary mushroom cloud and the incident at the end is probably my favorite part of the entire article; it does a really fucking great job at building up mystery while avoiding that annoying trope of explaining everything in a convoluted story. Not every article needs a story behind it! :-)
At the same time, though, I feel like there are some questions in this article that need to be answered. Are the people within the plane crash real citizens who actually existed at some point? What about the plane crash- did it also happen at some point in the past? Why can't the Authority just X-ray the box to see what's inside? Of course, this is mostly just me nitpicking and I think the story is fine either way.
I also feel like some of the properties of the nuke are a little disjointed in hindsight, but, like I said, this is just a nitpick. I think the story would be relatively unchanged with or without my crit so it's honestly your choice on whether or not you want to answer the questions or not
OH, AND BY THE WAY: I think the audio file is perfect, and it really adds to the atmosphere of the article. The volume could be toned down but it's fine either way. I think a second audio file would also be pretty good, but it might be a bit unnecessary haha
Other than that, really good article. 5/5
The beginning section held my attention with its brevity. It got seriously creepy when it went into the broadcasts, and the use of multimedia in this section is great. However, I felt like the addendum began to spoil the disturbing side of the article; removing the previously established isolation by bringing in a bunch of humans and a potential explanation is a bit of a mood killer. It would be spookier if the people on the plane didn't survive the impact. However, I suppose the mystery aspect that gets introduced makes up for it decently enough. It just wasn't quite as gripping.
This article hit some impressive extremes tonally, and the audio was really disturbing. It was on track to be the creepiest thing I've read on this site (not saying much, surprisingly, but an accomplishment nonetheless). Still, good job with this one. I would give a 4.5/5.
[P.S. I don't think there would be any point in having a second audio log. It's good as-is.]
Object Class: Beta-Black
Inconsistent with the icon used. This rating doesn't make sense, anyway
Extreme Heat Hazard
The proper name is "Extreme Temperature Hazard
Info-Hazard(?)
I don't think this qualifies as an info-hazard for any reason
However, the Authority shall continue working with the Russian government to obscure the existence of RPC-X with an official cover story of the existence of a military base at the anomaly's coordinates.
RPC-X is a mushroom cloud resulting from a nuclear explosion that has persisted since October 24th, 1990 at ██°██'██.█"N ███°██'██.█"E in Russia's Arkhangelsk Oblast federal district.
These sentences are too long
The explosion is ~600m high and with a width of ~300m.
This phrasing is odd. You could change it to something like this:
In addition to the mushroom cloud persisting despite the explosion being over 2 decades ago, RPC-X displays several other anomalies.
The first clause is over-expository since you've already described this, so abbreviate it to something shorter (e.g. "In addition to its permanent state"). Perhaps turn "other anomalies" into "additional anomalous properties" too; it sounds cleaner that way to me
Following the clean-up of the crash, several of the passengers were questioned by The Authority.
"The" is not (typically?) proper
All individuals interviewed were confused throughout the interrogations, giving Authority personnel outdated/incorrect information such as dates and times that have already passed, disbelief at contemporary politics and technology, most notably the dissolution of the Soviet Union.
This sentence is generally messy and incomplete
Upon returning to where the survivors were housed for questioning about the lock's code
Awkward phrasing
When confronted, Annenkov began convulsing, and all attempts to save him failed.
Split this into two sentences; it sounds a little silly as one
I didn't think I'd have to give a line-by-line for this but there is honestly a decent amount of little issues that should be addressed.
However, the Authority shall continue working with the Russian government to obscure the existence of RPC-X.
I think a bit more details should be given on this one, maybe have some sort of dome built around the explosion to hide it? I know it isn't always flashing but the light of the explosion/cloud would be visible from a ways away, especially at night.
Initially, these were thought to be some form of unique code used by the military during the time period of the explosion, but these were denied by the Russian government when inquired about.
I don't think the authority would take the Russians at their word, especially when it comes
to the question, "is this some kind of classified military code you used?" I think it would be better if they just determined it was random radio broadcasts after a decade or two.
When confronted, Annenkov began convulsing. All attempts to save him failed. He perished from what was later found to be a lethal dose of cyanide released from a capsule within his tooth.
I know you want to do the whole "spy who commits suicide from cyanide pill" thing and it is very spy like but that was more of a nazi thing since most soviet agents would just be traded for American agents. It'd make more sense if he overdosed on another passenger's sleeping pills Plus cyanide wouldn't cause immediate convulsions he'd probably slump over a few minutes later from cardiac arrest.
Hey there Mardy Draft…
Due to the remote location of RPC-X, it is deemed unlikely for the anomaly to be discovered by civilians. However, the Authority shall continue working with the Russian government to obscure the existence of RPC-X.
I understand what you’re trying to convey but I feel like there’s too much superfluous information being given here. It doesn’t matter if the anomaly is unlikely to be discovered by the public, this is the anomaly’s protocol and it must be followed regardless.
In addition to its permanent state, RPC-X displays additional anomalous properties…
Remove “In addition to its permanent state”, don’t repeat the same concept twice in the same paragraph.
RPC-X may sometimes expel items from inside it; however, they are often charred beyond recognition or otherwise deformed.
Reword it: RPC-X may sometimes expel items that are often deformed beyond recognition/identification
The reader knows RPC-X covers an area, and saying “expel from the inside” is redundant.
While electromagnetic radiation may not be able to enter the anomaly, it has been able to exit it.
Reword it to: While electromagnetic radiation cannot access the anomaly the contrary has been observed to occur.
May be a bit longer but it rolls off the tongue better.
It’s not bad, for being a short article. The majority of the problems I have are with the addendum: I feel like a lot of the sentences can be worded much better, shortened and/or straightened out (it may even do you some good in terms of cutting the word count down), but other than that I can’t find anything else that particularly piqued my nitpicky arse.
Good take on time travelling btw. I’d rate this two Phil Anselmo out of Julian Casablancas.
4/5
Also fuck Wikidot for having forced me to write this all again.
Marco Marchi B. Mark
