Crit thread for a mincon entry
A short draft of a possible entry to the RPC mincon contest.
Crit thread for a mincon entry
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» Crit thread for a mincon entry
Summary:
Warning, it's cat-related.
(account deleted)change the title to "a punctual cat"
¶ indicates a need for a paragraph break
First Impression
I like the image. I'm glad it's there, but it should appear earlier in the article because as-is it's a little awkwardly placed and makes the whole text look wonky. Also, it looks a little dirty for an Authority site, right? And why doesn't the article ever specify the cat's sex? Is it a girl or a boy?
Conprocs/Hazards
Additional official attempts to find a way to contain the anomaly are not to be conducted anymore.
This is already established in the previous sentence. Even if it wasn't, this is poorly worded and should be cut.
Site-168 Staff are allowed to interact with RPC-XXX and allowed to treat it as any other regular instance of a domestic cat.
…to interacted with RPC-XXX and allowed to treat…
the regular schedule of
Find another word for regular or cut it. Avoid repetition.
Also, why not give the cat a chip implant or something? Just to track it
Description
that will appear
I like the use of "will" here. Not many anomalies start with that. Very striking.
RPC-XXX has shown no other anomalous properties and characteristics. Upon the discovery of the anomalous property
This sounds bad, try:
Upon discovery of its supernatural appearances…
will follow staff members out of curiosity and need to be fed
…out of curiosity and need to be fed…
If an attempt to stop RPC-XXX is made to do either, a string of events will occur that will allow it to leave the grounds in time.
No attempt to prevent RPC-XXX's appearance is possible. Probability manipulation of a variety of events (device malfunction, human error) allows for RPC-XXX to consistently and constantly arrive and depart at the same time and place regardless of any outside circumstance.
These events will not be anomalous or “supernatural” in nature – devices will malfunction, staff will make mistakes and RPC-XXX will actively contribute to the attempt through any obtainable means.
Already established, cut.
To prevent damage to the site or staff, it is required that RPC-XXX be ignored aside from assisting its entrance and departure. A log of entry and exit points is to be kept in a separate document.
Containment Protocols! Cut.
Discovery/Addenda
While initially assumed it was one of the animals
Initially believed to be one of…
property
You use the word property like 9 times in this paragraph dude
RPC-XXX attempted to smash through Dr Leiskovitz’ office window.
How does a cat "attempt to smash through" something? Specify.
RPC-XXX itself climbs a tree on Site ground. It stays the whole day on it.
…climbing a tree… spending the remainder of its time perched upon it.
Pending reclassification to Neutralized.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Final Thoughts
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY
I was hoping this be a four, but it's a three at best, with the entertainment value of two-star articles. It's boring, really boring. There's a copy-paste image of you making the main complaint that this article has, and that's that we don't know if the cat is anomalous, and while that may be intentional, nothing interesting happens. If you want to keep this central premise, at least exaggerate them by capturing the cat. Do some looney tunes shit. You need to make every attempt worth my while.
The ending itself just made me feel a bit spiteful, ngl. I'm not writing this out of spite, but it felt cheap and undeserving. I don't care about the cat; I don't think about it cause its existence is as shallow as a DoDo video: What am I supposed to be invested in? The cat's just there one day and isn't the next second. If you have feelings for an animal, that could hit you, but I was expecting something a bit more.
The problem here isn't that you didn't try to explore the consequences of the anomaly, but just that the exploration itself was inexplicably dull and didn't build any investment whatsoever.
Loved the article due to a lot of situations with the cat.
only issue i found was this
- As the an Authority vehicle
"As an Authority vehicle" works best i think since it doesnt imply only one such thing exists
or you could go with old reliable and say "As Authority's vehicle arrived", but idk if this is according to feng shui of the writing etiquette
Due to the property of RPC-XXX
Would use "Due to the property possessed by RPC-XXX", personally
RPC-XXX has shown no other anomalous properties and characteristics.
Would use present tense here, unless this part was made to foreshadow RPC-XXX is neutralized and I didn't get it
RPC-XXX leaves Dr Milner and leaves the site through the main entrance.
Avoid repetition. RPC-XXX leaves Dr Milner and exits the site through the main entrance.
You also forgot a [[/div]] at the bottom of the footnotes
Kitty :) . You made good use of the the logs to develop the story and give personality to the staff without direct dialogue. The only complaint I have on the character's side is that reclassifcation to Omega-Orange is quite exaggerated, even for someone clearly exasperated like Milner, she's still a proffesional and would at least make it Yellow.
(I'm guessing the cat is at least aware of luck and happenstance considering it acted oddly the night before Leiskovitz's death?)
Regardless, don't take the shortness of the crit as as a sign of it being too short itself. Overall, it does its part as a small, self-contained story quite well. The ending didn't exactly bring me to tears but it doesn't mean it's not well written or touching, it felt quite fitting to the themes of the tychokinetic RPC as a whole in fact.
/forum/t-15576514/crit-thread-for-a-mincon-entry#post-
