spooky mincon entry: growth spurt
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/im-so-fucking-minimalistic-dude
there's pointers for stuff i really want critiqued, but if you could point out anything else it'd be a great help
blabbo
spooky mincon entry: growth spurt
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» spooky mincon entry: growth spurt
Summary:
what!!!!!
Here's my best shot at critiquing.
Containment Protocols
Due to its neutralization, there is no need for direct containment of for RPC-XXX isn't necessary. The entity's body has been cut apart into chunks, all separately cremated to account for its size. 17 Chanterelle Avenue was partially demolished in order to extract RPC-XXX from the premises, then rebuilt under the guise of renovations. The house has been auctioned off to three separate parties throughout the years since the discovery and removal of RPC-XXX, and All evidence of anomalous occurrences is considered wiped had since been wiped. The missing persons' case for Phillip Raz Ward is has been abandoned.
The first sentence feels a bit less clinical. Also, most of the containment protocols feel like something that should have been placed in an addendum.
Description
First Half: Actual Description
RPC-XXX was a large organism inhabiting a house at 17 Chanterelle Avenue, Kankakee, IL, USA. RPC-XXX was shaped similarly to a long tube, Its body measured approximately 23.4 meters in length. While its diameter was uneven, on average it was approximately around 44 centimeters.
Not much to say other than "approximately" is used repetitively. The part about the anomaly being shaped like a long tube isn't needed here.
RPC-XXX was identified as appeared to be a grossly elongated human body. Its appendages were contorted into unnatural positions to conform to their length and position. There were Many patches of scar tissue, as well as a few open wounds were found across RPC-XXX's body, as well as a few open wounds.. Also found were numerous large cysts and tumorous growths. Metal rings were discovered periodically along its general length, and surrounding sections of its body. Screws had been found driven through the rings and into RPC-XXX's flesh. The purpose of these objects is unknown.
"Identified," usually refers to what the thing is rather than what the thing looks like. Reworded a couple of sentences. "Length," isn't a bit specific though you might be talking about general length.
The vast majority of RPC-XXX's body was held within the house's walls; Its only exposed area was its mouth, which was accessible through a meter-wide hole in the laundry room. Its mouth showed significant signs of tooth decay and periodontal disease, with many of its teeth having grown into abnormal positions. While seemingly capable of vocalization, RPC-XXX could was only capable of making segmented gurgles. In addition, RPC-XXX's eyes were located within the ceiling of the master bedroom and damaged immensely, making rendering the entity completely blind.
Not else to say other than some words have to be reworded.
DNA profiling matched RPC-XXX to one a 9-year-old male named Phillip Raz Ward. Birth records from a hospital in the area showed reveal that the individual was born on March 6th, 1950, to the married couple, of Benedict and Chanah Ward. No evidence of any child named "Phillip Ward" attending any local schools could be found, and it is assumed he was homeschooled. Information on these persons people outside of RPC-XXX-related concerns is scarce, and investigation into the Ward family's history did not reveal any irregularities.
Second Half: Discovery
The main reason why I divided the critique section on "Description" in half is that half of it feels like something that should be in a "Discovery" section. I heard on Discord that you did that on purpose but still, it can get a bit confusing. But, you do you.
In April of 1959, Benedict and Chanah Ward filed a missing persons case for their son, claiming he had been out to playing by a creek near their house and had not hasn't returned since. An investigation soon followed, with police scouring the city of Kankakee, areas on its outskirts, and nearby woodlands. The couple assisted in the investigation and many police assets were utilized. but After a year with no conclusive evidence yet uncovered, it was announced that while the case was not entirely abandoned, active searching and study would be put on hold until new leads came to light. A memorial service was held for Phillip Ward not long after.
Again not much to say other than some rewording.
The following Eight years after Phillip's disappearance, the case did not see any new developments. Benedict and Chanah Ward remained mostly reclusive, their neighbors only witnessing them step outside for basic requirements, i.e. such as grocery shopping, collecting mail, or going to work, et cetera. The couple rarely spoke to people, even when directly approached. It was assumed that the two were grieving and suffering an immense depression, though all offers of help were rejected since the couple claimed everything was fine. Neighbors noted that they frequently brought back seemingly considerable amounts of groceries.
Some rewording needs to be done.
In March of 1968, the two individuals abruptly went missing. Their corpses were recovered two weeks later, washed up on the shore near by the Kankakee River. A forensic exam determined that they had both simply drowned. Of note is that the bodies were naked, apart from a wedding ring on each individual's person and duct tape surrounding their legs; The bodies were mutually facing one another. Members of the city's local police department conducted a search of their home shortly after and discovered RPC-XXX, causing a panic all across Kandadee. Once this information reached an embedded Authority Central Intelligence operative in the Kankakee PD, it was immediately forwarded to the Authority. Amnestics were quickly administered to witnesses, and a disinformation campaign spread.
Again, some rewording needs to be done here.
Shortly after the discovery, RPC-XXX was officially authorized for neutralization under ethical concerns. The aforementioned search of 17 Chanterelle Avenue did not reveal any notable information other than a 1959 calendar, with the phrase, "Phillip grows up," written in marker on the March 6th spot. marked as when "Phillip grows up".
You can probably guess what this needs.
Final Thoughts
The article is 3 stars at best. It reminds me of an SCP or RPC with a plot similar to this (in regard of a human fused to a house), though I don't remember which. Nevertheless, despite some work on wording, the article is mediocre at best.
Neighbors noted that they frequently brought back seemingly considerable amounts of groceries.
you could stand to cut this sentence, it doesn't add much that the rest of the article doesn't already imply in ways that are far more unique and memorable.
Shortly after discovery, RPC-XXX was officially authorized for neutralization under ethical concerns.
i would also recommend moving parts of the containment procedures here, give a bit more oomph to the neutralization instead of awkwardly splitting it between the very beginning and very end of the piece.
a good bit of body horror, though the payload didn't hit me until i went back and read the title.
(account deleted)¶ indicates a need for a paragraph break
First Impression
Looks great! I love the image but I admit I was looking for any sign of the right forearm and was a little disappointed. The picture gives a good idea of what the house looks like, but maybe even a small edit to show a bulge or indent from the anomaly's presence would make it a much stronger hook.
The description looks a little odd without anything after it. I guess I'm just used to seeing addenda. It's just a visual thing, though, nothing major.
Conprocs/Hazards
Due to its neutralization, there is no need for direct containment of RPC-XXX. 17 Chanterelle Avenue has been auctioned off to three separate parties throughout the years since the discovery and removal of RPC-XXX, and all evidence of anomalous occurrence has since been wiped. The missing persons case for Phillip Raz Ward is abandoned.
RPC-XXX's neutralization has removed the need for direct containment. 17 Chanterelle Avenue has been auctioned off to three separate parties throughout the years since the discovery and removal of RPC-XXX, and all evidence of any anomalous occurrences has since been wiped were expunged. The missing persons case for Phillip Raz Ward is has been abandoned.
Note the repetition in orange. Try to find alternatives to since.
Description
RPC-XXX was shaped similarly to a long tube, its body measuring approximately 23.4 meters in length.
RPC-XXX was identified as a grossly elongated human body.
I think these two sentences should be combined to increase impact and abbreviate a little. Example:
RPC-XXX was a grossly elongated human body shaped into a long tubular form, measuring approximately 23 meters in length.
23.4 is a bit too specific to be approximate, so if you want to use "approximately" I would round it to 23.
across RPC-XXX's body. Also found were numerous large cysts and tumorous growths.
body, in addition to large cysts and tumorous growths.
In April of 1959, Benedict and Chanah Ward filed
Here is where I think you need to add an addendum, a bit of a heading break for the background on the Ward family. It seems like a good idea to help break up the bulky description.
Final Thoughts
Addressing your notes: I'm not familiar with SCP-6670 and I'm too lazy to read it, so I'll take it on good faith that this story is distinct enough. The Containment Protocols are fine as they are. It's better to play it safe by leaving them short than to waste the reader's time. The ending caught me off guard, and the article's body horror is on point.
My one structural complaint (and this is a small thing) is that the History section starts slowly. The first three paragraphs are, overall, standard missing person stuff. The reader already knows what happened to Philip, and I think you could respect that more with your writing. Perhaps try to condense the first three paragraphs into two?
Either way, I'm probably giving this a 4/5. It's not my favorite story ever, but it definitely deserves a spot on the list.
RPC-XXX's neutralization has removed the need for direct containment.
"Removed" is a bit of an awkward word in this context. I suggest "nullified", "negated", "voided", "suppressed", or something like that.
all evidence of any anomalous occurrences have been expunged.
This should read "has been expunged", as the subject is "all evidence". Additionally, the sentence that this is from is rather long and could be separated.
I'd prefer if you formatted the header to the "History" section normally, but I heard you justifying that in the Discord server and it doesn't matter too much to me in the grand scheme of things.
RPC-XXX-related
You might want to change this sentence so you don't need to use this phrase.
Containment Protocols:
occurrences have been expunged
Shouldn't it be "has been purged"?
Description:
RPC-XXX was identified as a grossly elongated human body shaped into a tubular form, measuring approximately 23 meters in length. While its diameter was uneven, on average it was around 44 centimeters.
RPC-XXX was identified as a human body in a grossly elongated and tubular form, measuring approximately 23 meters in length. While possessing an uneven diameter, it averaged at 44 centimeters.*
(I think it flows better like this, and is shorter. You could also make it shorter by removing the "identified as" part at the beginning)
RPC-XXX's appendages were contorted into unnatural positions to conform with their length and position.
Maybe replace one of the two "position"s? Also, I don't really understand what this is trying to say
surrounding sections of its body; Screws had been
You don't capitalize after a semicolon, same crit for the same semicolon mistakes down the line
The purpose of these objects is unknown.
Could just be "Their purpose is unknown."
One question: why's there a weird empty gap between the end of the description and the History section?
History
going to work, et cetera.
just say "etc."
Pointers:
- general grammar and clinical tone
Already pointed out above
- i feel the containment protocols are a bit too short, any way i could make them a little longer without upsetting the article's flow
Making them longer would serve no use; they are fine as they are, given the length and nature of the anomaly
- does the part about the couple's history flow well, are there any plot holes
It's a bit bland. I can't really feel anything for them, and nothing was driven in hard enough for me to get invested/interested
- is the ACI stuff near the end accurate to lore, should i change it up
It's fine, their job IS to gather info about this kinda stuff
- is the ending satisfying/creepy enough
Nothing in the article felt particularly creepy for me, and the ending was just kinda there. I guess the "Philip grows up" bit was cool, if anything
- i've worried that this is too similar to SCP-6670, some have told me it's different enough and some have told me it's too reminiscent, is there anything i can do it differentiate it more or is it alright
Never read it
Thoughts:
Your physical description of Philip are lacking, and don't really give enough for the imagination to be creepy or scary, or interesting even. You should really rework the description to explain more about him and what he did when he was alive, something to make us cringe or be disgusted by. It's a kid living in the walls of a house whose mouth where in the laundry room and eyes in the master bedroom. Give us some more of that, show examples of what he did or tried to do during that time, something to make us care
A 6/10 for me in its current state. It just feel pretty bland and surface-level creepy at most.
RPC-XXX was identified as a grossly elongated human
"identified as" feels pretty clunky. I don't think it matches the sentence that follows it.
skeletonized remains
no.
is the ending satisfying/creepy enough
I think this is missing some motivation, implied or apparent, for them to do this to themselves and their son. Right now it just kinda happens Because.
i've worried that this is too similar to SCP-6670, some have told me it's different enough and some have told me it's too reminiscent, is there anything i can do it differentiate it more or is it alright
I can definitely see an obvious resemblance when comparing both. It's not plagiarism, but I personally would have sought much greater changes. I'd credit 6670 in your forum post.
/forum/t-15561240/spooky-mincon-entry:growth-spurt#post-