Cold and Steel: Snow Man on Mars (Draft)
Cold and Steel: Snow Man on Mars (Draft)
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» Cold and Steel: Snow Man on Mars (Draft)
Summary:
My first C&S entry. Based on some exciting factoids I know.
The following crit was originally posted in discord as a series of messages.
In the distance, roughly 5km, a massive industrial drill is churning up a cloud of reddish debris.
mars is basically in a vacuum I don't really think dust would cloud it should just fall to the ground like tiny rocks
well then it's not really a cloud
more like a shower
it wouldn't be billowing or behaving cloud-like
you don't have to change it I am nit-picking here
I think microwaves would be terrible at warming up CO2
since I don't think CO2 is a polar molecule
microwaves work by vibrating polar water molecules
they should do pretty much nothing for nonpolar molecules
well you could just heat it with
well
heating coils
you know
like in a toaster
just a bunch of resistors
bleeding off voltage as heat
uh well that could be a problem since you're trying to keep the gas
and if the drilling is enough to sublimate it then you'd be losing it
also I don't think we'd have a mix of water and dry ice
I assume there'd be like a really thick glacier of dry ice over a layer of water ice
or water ice in pockets underground
idk
I just don't think they'd be mixed
I think you do want the CO2 because you can separate out oxygen from it, yank hydrogen out of like some rocks or something, and make water that way
its just hard
and why do they need a continuous supply of fresh water
aren't they recycling their water
they'd just have to recoup losses in the system
oh they're expanding and they need water for new bases and stuff
they're not just supplying themselves
also I don't think you would have metal walls
concrete would be more likely
concrete you can make on mars
big metal sheets require a bit more industry
The camera slowly pulls back and refocuses on a crudely made snowman with a torn Snoopy cap./
one slash too many on the italics code here
This crit is not official, and was only posted in forums for purposes of convenience.
Too late, crit posted on the forums is official.
You can never escape.
By gawd, I asked you to write one, so the least I can do is line-by-line it, right?
Protection/AEDF Public Database/Outreach Media/Cold and Steel/E05
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THE FOLLOWING IS CLASSIFIED LEVEL 1/CLEARED FOR ALL DIVISIONS. UNAUTHORIZED REPRODUCTION AND RELEASE IS BOTH A VIOLATION OF AUTHORITY INFORMATION SECURITY PROTOCOLS AND A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE.
Cold and Steel
Image of the AEDF1 Fleet Command Emblem. An acoustic cover of Major Tom by Peter Schilling begins to play.
TEXT: AEDF Outreach Media Presents:
Montage of AEDF filmstrips throughout history- NG2 craft in black and white, photographs of primitive spacesuits on the surface of the Moon, excavation of Lunar sites, NG vessels over Antarctica, censored images of Howler noocraft3, engine tests, space station construction.
TEXT: In Cooperation with the Department of Personal Efficacy and Wellness
Montage of AEDF personnel at work; donning spacesuits, conducting experiments in laboratories in low gravity, constructing the keel of a torch vessel on the surface of the Moon.
TEXT: Cold and Steel: Stories from the High Frontier
You're missing the "these are their stories" paragraph, plus a title for the episode, plus an "establishing shot" that shows we're inside a mars base. Give us something that sets the scene for what the interior of the base actually looks like!
SUBTITLE: Created by Engineers Heitor Aldo and Doctor Jordon Cook
Music fades, replaced by an electrical hum and grumbling grumbling by a person?. The camera zooms in and refocuses its shot on Engineer Aldo, who is currently indisposed in his bed. A copy of fix the italics here The Cosmic Flame, authored by John Russel Fearn, covers his face.
COOK: Humans can't sync their circadian rhythm to the Martian day. I told you this would happen.
ALDO: Don't be a smart-ass, Doc.
ALDO: I'll gladly take temporary jetlag over working at night.
COOK: You need to start listening to my medical advice. Before you give yourself a stroke, tell the folks back at home about what you do.
Aldo removes the book from his face and checks his wrist-mounted watch. He uses his elbows with considerable force Not quite the right tone, and why would it take him this much effort if he's in very low gravity? to propel himself off his bed and onto the ground.
ALDO: It's about that time of day anyway. Come on.
The camera spins around and refocuses on a narrow slit window. Bloom from the outside surface overexposes the image for a second before auto-dimming. A clear picture of the Martian landscape? covered in snow comes through the window. A massive industrial drill is churning up debris at a rapid rate. I would clarify that the drill is outside, where it is in the view from the window, and maaaaaaybe put it a bit further away from the base? If this thing is that close couldn't
it kick up debris and hit the habitat?
ALDO: Thank God for the low atmosphere density, or sleep would be impossible.
COOK: You barely sleep as-is.
ALDO: Oh, hush you. I would include an "[he addresses the camera]" here. Ok, class, you see that thing behind me. It's what we in the business call a drill. It's a similar make and model to the same drill NASA's Perseverance rover is equipped with. Ours has just been scaled up a tad and built to tolerate higher pressures pressures of what?. My job, and a half-dozen other engineers' jobs, is to keep the thing operational 24/7, no wait, 24.4/7.
COOK: So, what does it do?
Aldo walks into the frame and sticks up his index finger.
ALDO: Well, it scrapes up snow. We melt that down with microwave emitters and store the CO2 gas in canisters for later use. Then we put that rusty martian water through filters, and presto, aqua pura—the base stores about a third for general all-purpose use. The rest is sent to whoever might be in the general vicinity of Mars. A frosty blend of CO2 and H2O.
COOK: And number two?
ALDO: Oh yeah. The second thing we dig up is a mineral called bauxite. It's not that valuable back on Earth, but out here; it's worth its weight. Bauxite is formed when a lot of clay meets a lot of pressure, like on a planet. What makes bauxite so special is the gallium that can be extracted during the refinement process. Where did you read that Bauxite can be found on Mars? There's basically none there, because bauxite tends to form in areas of high temperature and rainfall.
COOK: And what do we use gallium for?
ALDO: Shuush, I'm getting to that. When mixed with arsenide, a mix of arsenic and other stuff we dig up, you get a suitable semiconductor. Those red-light LEDs you guys have in your med bays are made here on Mars by us using those semiconductors. The science behind it is beyond me, but Dr. Cook has repeatedly assured me that they help the body heal in zero-g conditions when it usually would not. wouldn't they use these semiconductors for about a billion other things as well?
camera spins around to show a close-up of Cook's cook's what?. The slight fish-lense effect exaggerates his facial features.
COOK: You're welcome, space cowboys. You can buy me a beer when we get back down the well.
ALDO: If that's all, let's end the video. I need your help suiting up in the airlock.
COOK: Sure thing, but there's one thing left we need to show them.
ALDO: Oh no, don't show them that.
Jump cut to the two in their hab airlock, putting on their space suits. Aldo turns around and is given a once-over by Cook before Aldo does the same for him. Cook walks over to the camera and picks it up. A flashing light goes off, and the airlock depressurizes. Aldo picks up a toolbox and steps outside, the camera following him.
COOK: After you.
Jump cut again to a close-up shot of the snow. The camera slowly pans upwards, revealing a crudely made snowman with a torn Snoopy cap.
COOK: Tada! Say "hi", Frosty.
ALDO: I told him it was a bad idea.
COOK: No, you said it couldn't be done.
ALDO: I don't want to be technical, but this isn't a snowman. It's an iceman. Snow-
COOK: Yes, yes, I know. CO2 snow is too tiny and not wet enough to stick together. We both aced our physics course. But in my heart, he's a snowman. Here, hold the camera for a sec.
The video recording gets blurred as the camera changes hands. Aldo spins the camera around and focuses on Cook against a snowy martian sky. So I was under the impression that 'cause of temperature and pressure fuckery Martian snow doesn't really make it to the ground. I'd clarify what you mean by this. Cook is down on one knee, rooting around in his toolbox with one hand. He pulls out a metal rod, a small hand drill, and a carrot.
ALDO: Where on Earth did you get a carrot?
COOK: Precisely.
The camera zooms in on the handheld drill as it makes a hole into the block of carbon ice.
ALDO: So, what compelled you to make a snowman?
COOK: Well, I grew up in Nevada. Growing up, I never quite got a chance to build a snowman as a kid. When I heard AEDF was sending me off to Mars, I thought, "Well, Jordon, how different could it be from home?"
ALDO: And then you saw the snow.
COOK: Precisely, it was there, and then I knew I had to make a snowman.
Camera zooms out to show Cook smiling as he removes the drill bit from the iceblock. Then he zooms again as he pushes a small thin copper rod into the hole. Then, slide a dried carrot over it.
COOK: And it is complete—my incredible creation.
ALDO: Congrats, you just won the world record for the number of snowmen built per person. What will you do now?
COOK: I think…I'll make a snowwoman. To give him company.
TEXT: Engineer Aldo and Doctor Cook have spent the last year, seven months, and 14 days on the surface of Mars as a part of martian mining and fabrication operations. In that time, 4000 gallons BEEP BEEP IMPERIAL UNITS of water and 100 red-light LED bulbs were produced.
SUBTITLE: AEDF Outreach Media, 2023.
Playback ends.
So, I think you need to double-check some of the science on this one, and it doesn't feel like you've made any of the changes I'd previously suggested. Ground this in a working Mars base- it wouldn't be a huge place, but these two guys wouldn't exactly be alone here. Give us a better idea of their day-to-day lives, why they wanted to make this video, who else is on-base with them, and why the base might exist. Dig deeper!
Personal Thoughts
Starting things off, the premise is certainly interesting. We are viewing/reading this through the perspective of the AEDF astronauts stationed in the Mars facility. What I quite like about it is how it is concisely detailed about the imagery, specifically to the introduction before the "episode" began. From the old era of AEDF presence in the moon, the black and white filmstrips- it encapsulates that feeling of watching a NASA documentary.
What I do certainly love about Cold and Steel is the introduction of the characters, and making use of the science involved in the story. It brings a sort of realism that, whilst the idea the Authority being so advanced that they made a presence in Mars seems unrealistic, it does facilitate the realism of personnel lives in the Mars base.
Aldo and Cook are the two characters that feel like they're actual people:
- Aldo being the all-knowing talker;
- Cook being the trivial astronaut.
Overall, I do like this inclusion into the Cold and Steel entry. I'm not much of a space person, but I do like the science and story behind (not that I know much about it).
- Dr. Pierson
"Curiosity Always Defines Reasoning"
I'm not very familiar with AEDF lore, and it's been a while since I've read the Cold and Steel tale series, so I'll just focus on the story in this article. It's very slice of life, and so I think you could probably show more of the day-to-day activities of the personnel on Mars. I felt the most interesting part is Cook's backstory in Nevada since ut gives more meaning to the snowman than just being a random thing. The whole title of the tale is centered on the Snow Man, but it's not really featured that much in the actual article. The snow man is mostly-built by the time we get to look at it. Maybe we should see Cook building it at an earlier stage, and seeing where exactly he got the carrot from (probably the kitchen I imagine).
Montage of AEDF filmstrips throughout history-
Montage of AEDF personnel at work;
Suggestion: Use colons for both, or keep the same punctuation mark for consistency.
beds. And a tower
"beds, and a tower" or "beds. A tower"
Then he zooms again as he pushes a small thin copper rod into the hole. Then, slide a dried carrot over it.
"The camera then zooms in to show Cook pushing a small thin copper rod into the hole and sliding a dried carrot over it."
I'm not familiar with this series at all, but you insisted that I give it a look-over so here I am. This wasn't flawed, but I didn't think a whole lot of it. Most of it is just explanation, which made it a rather mundane experience to me. The ending was pretty cute, though.
4/5? 5/5? I feel like I'm shooting in the dark when I rate Tales, but it looks serviceable to me.
[Aldo looked directly into the camera, attempting to put on a forced smile].
"Attempting" and "forced" are redundant.
Ok, class, you see that thing behind me.
Maybe the substitution of a period for a comma was purposeful, but I think it comes off awkwardly in this particular context.
It's a similar make and model to the same drill NASA's Perseverance rover is equipped with.
The word "same" implies the existence of anotther drill identical to the one in the comparison, which I don't think was your intent.
5km
1km
300kg
Space between value and unit. It should be "X km."
COOK: Came with the camera, specially requested by yours truly.
You could have the others say something along the lines of "we only get one package per year and you chose this!" or something along those lines to add comedy and also world build.
You used "litres" as a full word and "kg" as an abbreviation in the text. Be consistent.
When I started reading this, the immediate thought of "this would be better as a video" crossed my mind. I am happy to say that by the end of the text, I found it good even in this format. It's probably the mixture of the description being good and me having seen many MANY documentaries old historical documentaries before, but I found the scenes easy to visualize.
/forum/t-15558209/cold-and-steel:snow-man-on-mars-draft#post-