RPC-700 Rewrite
After some tinkering and tapering a few glaring plot holes, the first draft of the RPC-700 rewrite is finished!
Let me know if there are any errors, or if I should take a entirely different approach.
RPC-700 Rewrite
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» RPC-700 Rewrite
I think you can do away with the "TO ALL PERSONNEL" warning if you name the tabs something more descriptive, like a date or something.
claim to experience intrusive thoughts based around a being
"claim to experience intrusive thoughts involving a unique entity" might feel a bit better
unanimously described as a giant…
Invariably? "Unanimous" is more used for a decision-making group.
colorless caterpillar
Unsure what you mean by colorless. Transparent? Gray? Invisible?
no unusual thoughts will manifest on the subject for approx. 4 days.
"no further developments will occur for ~4 days."
Approximately is used for when a precise quantity is not available rather than where there is variance.
transformation process
I don't think "transformation" is the right way to describe it. They're not really turning into something else (that we know).
The subject will experience an acute fear of water and steam
The way this is phrased suggests it's a specific limited moment rather than a continuous thing. Rephrase:
"The subject will begin to experience a continuous, acute fear of water and steam"
believing that mentioning RPC-700-2 attracts it to the speaker
"believing that mentioning the entity attracts it to the speaker"
Subjects past Stage 1 will be classified as RPC-700-1.
It's weird that the -1 designation is introduced after -2. Should swap the numbers around.
muffled by shower noise
"muffled by the noise of water pouring from a shower head"
mandible bites left by insects
I'm pretty sure you can narrow down to at least a few kinds of insects based on the marks.
administered with EG-3 and
RPC-727 is a current canon version of the EG concept.
The pipeline of RPC-700 descends indefinitely downwards.
I like the implication that they didn't bother to check the structure at all. Must've been quite the grilling when they realized the negligence.
This anomaly also affects machines, as remote-controlled excavation equipment will suddenly stop responding, while manually-controlled ones will rapidly overheat and malfunction.
This isn't really necessary IMO. If people will just stop doing it there's no need for machines to stop working.
subjects inhibit a memetic anomaly
exhibit
People affected by RPC-700-3
You should describe the conditions for becoming affected first. Hearing? Looking?
The vapor produced by RPC-700-1
"Exposure to the vapor…"
Pretty good improvement on the original. Much better read without all that many changes.
Thank you for the quick reply.
I think you can do away with the "TO ALL PERSONNEL" warning if you name the tabs something more descriptive, like a date or something.
Though I liked the notice as a small hook for Incident-700-1, I understand the iterations make it redundant by now if you give them better headers. So I'll be changing it along the mentioned weird phrasing and unecessary ambiguity.
I like the implication that they didn't bother to check the structure at all. Must've been quite the grilling when they realized the negligence.
In my head, the whole OL-Site establishing, anomaly classification and testing took an unrealisitically short period of time (I had fuck all sense of time-depth for RPC operations back in 2018). I don't think there's a satisfying way to rewrite the thing or excuse the oversight without stunting the "creepy new discovery" factor. Would RPC-700 simply connecting to the other houses be a good solution or is too nonchalant and short, pushing the article into boring horror cliche territory?
Though I liked the notice as a small hook for Incident-700-1, I understand the iterations make it redundant by now if you give them better headers. So I'll be changing it along the mentioned weird phrasing and unecessary ambiguity.
You can probably have a different text for the notice as well.
Would RPC-700 simply connecting to the other houses be a good solution or is too nonchalant and short, pushing the article into boring horror cliche territory?
This wasn't a problem, it was just a fun implication I noticed. Really I think it's perfectly sensical that they'd not think to check whether the pipe just so happened to be infinite or not.
(account deleted)¶ indicates a need for a paragraph break
First Impression
I like the image. The tabs are a little awkward, though, and I think it’d be better if you used offset pages instead.
Crit
to be
You use “to be” an awful lot in the conprocs. Consider synonyms or whatever sounds better ig
After leaving RPC-700, no unusual thoughts will manifest on the subject for ~4 days.
After said 4 days, subjects will undergo an alteration process, separated into 4 stages:
After leaving RPC-700, subjects report the absence of any intrusive thoughts for 3-4 days, after which they will undergo an alteration process described below.
RPC-700-1 is theorized to be feeding from RPC-700-2, though the exact methods as to how RPC-700-1 does this is currently unknown.
Cut. You are spelling out for the reader what is happening. Do not do that. At this stage, the Authority doesn’t believe the worm exists, since it’s a hallucination. Unless they see the worm pop in and chow down, they wouldn’t recognize it as a real thing.
Final Thoughts
Did you… forget to tell us what RPC-700-3 does? You mention how it spreads and stuff, but you don’t describe what it is.
Other than that, this is solid enough, I guess. 3 stars.
I was a fan of the original, and this version is a marked improvement. As before, the anomaly is creepy, the effects are smart and disturbing, and the progression is unexpected and engaging. You've polished up a lot of the rough edges this time. I already gave the original a 5/5, but this could convince people who were put off by some of the ickier writing and formatting from the original.
The note at the beginning is a weak way to start out. It's not important until you click on the second revision, and the significance of the highlighted text should be readily apparent to anyone paying an inch of attention.
Consider switching out the tabview for an offset page. I know that establishing the existence of a revision from the beginning was a purposeful move, but having the entire article in a tabview box and making the reader ping up to the top is possibly a bit wonky. Give it some thought.
RPC-700's anomalous abilities manifest when RPC-700 is opened and a human being remains in the stall for 10 minutes or more.
RPC-700-2's voice will begin to be muffled by the noise of water pouring from a shower head until RPC-700-2's voice is completely muted by it.
These sentences repeat the same subject twice. Maybe put in some pronouns.
Bite marks will start appearing in random sections of the body of RPC-700-2.
Overcomplicated and clunky phrasing; just say "will start appearing across RPC-700-2's body", or "will start appearing across the body of RPC-700-2" if you prefer not to make a designation possessive.
RPC-700-1 is theorized to be feeding from RPC-700-2, though the exact methods as to how RPC-700-1 does this is currently unknown.
Remove this sentence entirely; it doesn't need to be explained, just leave it up to the reader's imagination.
The subject will claim to experience intrusive thoughts involving being, consistently described as a giant gray-hued caterpillar with elongated humanoid extremities protruding irregularly from its body (hereby named RPC-700-1).
Typo in the second iteration, presumably a leftover. Make sure you're keeping all these parts consistent!
/forum/t-15551758/rpc-700-rewrite#post-