Crit: http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/forum/t-15402708/grp-054-dream-aliens
Co-authored with Mr Makor.
Drawing by ShibaMcDoby.
GRP-010 - "Dream Aliens" / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page GRP-010 - "Dream Aliens".
There's not really much to say. It's okay. I would be more willing to rate higher if the ending had more of an impact and some development and if the article wasn't jankily formatted to hell and back. I think this one could use some time in the oven.
The problem is less that I think it's badly written and more that I think there's barely anything there: It's not the article's construction, but lack of investment. If three is good, then two fair. It felt harmless. The central core of the article feels bare and I'm not emotionally invested in anything here cause I've seen these elements in stories before. I think this could do with some more time in the oven.
The idea of Parasomnoids is really cool and has a lot of potential for creative exploration. Unfortunately, I did not feel the article in its current state did a sufficient job presenting them in an entertaining way. I'll go through each section and explain what I felt worked or could be improved upon.
First, I felt the Lesser Anomalous Object background didn't really contribute much to the article. I don't see why that information couldn't be included in the discovery section. I think the intent was to set up the Parasomnoid's existence as a mystery until the GRPC file reveal. The problem though is the mystery doesn't doesn't change any perceptions about what was happening, the dreams still basically have an anomalous origin.
I think the Incidents section could be improved by showing how the Parasomnoids use the fears of the people in their dreams to manipulate them into their control. Incident #125 illustrated this point exceptionally well. #6251 did this as well, although I felt it was too vague on the backstory of the childhood friend. Incident #45 and Incident #1 lack these dynamics and I think adding that would improve both of them.
I wasn't a fan of GD-FRONT message. I'm not sure if that's how Karzians are supposed to come across in their tone, but the message is very robotic. I don't think it really contributes anything at all to the article. I also wasn't a fan of the dialogue in Addendum 4. Again, this may be how the Karzians communicate, but it's very melodramatic. People don't talk like this.
The Battle of Alfirks needs some more context for me to understand a couple of points. For instance, I have no idea who Dr. William Wilbury is, or why his death is significant at all, nor why there is a random neutron bomb under the city. I get this basically represents the Parasomnoids "razing their lands" in a retreat to spite the enemy, but this idea needs some more development.
My suggestion would be to focus on the mysterious nature of the dreams as the GRPC experiences them. Have them start to see some patterns in the dreams, and then have the Psy Corp reveal the existence of the Parasomnoids. You could then highlight how horrifying the dreams have become now that the Parasomnoids aren't just trying to control people, but psychologically damage them to slow down the GRPC.
It could be interesting if the nuke was detonated by the possessed Dr. Williamson as he was speaking to GD-Front. Make the dialogue more punchy; it should feel like this Parasomnoid wants to mind-break GD-Front. Go into the traumatic backstory, have the Parasomnoid go after those sensitive points. The last line of dialogue could then be the radiation spike, and GD-Front breaking down over that.
LO-010 is the designation given to a series of anomalous events
Wouldn't this be classified as an Anomalous Event (AE-010) or Lesser Anomalous Location (LA-010), not a Lesser Anomalous Object (LO-010)? LO-010 also seems like a very low slot to register a new anomaly.
phycological
"psychological" unless you really mean they had problems with understanding seaweed.
LO-010 events had also affected the resting places of diplomats and Rangers in orbit around the planet were converted to LO-010 locations.
I don't understand what this sentence is saying.
violently ripped off
I don't get the context of this in the incident. He got violently scammed?
compelling Cpt. Reinhart plunged his airship down into the toxic clouds.
"compelling Cpt. Reinhart to plunge his airship down into the toxic clouds. "
The dream continued to subject Ms. Pterión to faulty or fabricated memories until a Psy Corps4 member awoke her.
The Parasomnoid is subjecting her to these memories, not the dream itself. "Ms. Pterión continued to be subjected to falsified or fabricated memories while in her dream state until she was awaken by a Psy Corps member."
the GRPC
Anyone specific in the GRPC?
GRP-010's true nature
Unnecessary description. One would already assume the GRPC file will explain what the anomaly actually is, not just what it appears to be.
Good luck,
Rangers.
"Good luck, Rangers." and then end with "GD-FRONT"
200*
199*
There's asterisks here but there's never an explanation given.
the influence as
"the influence of"
battle of Alfirks
"Battle of Alfirks"
Unfortunately, a neutron bomb buried under the site took out Dr. William, along with 1/3rd the population of the Alfirkinian's planetary capital.
Suggestion: "Unfortunately, a neutron bomb buried beneath the site was detonated, causing the death of Dr. William and one-third of the inhabitants of the Alfirkinian's planetary city. "
I have to agree with Sovereign on this one. The initial report, while adding a nice background that fits the anomaly, doesn't really add much to the article. all of the dreams presented don't really have much in common, nor do they fit with the Parasomnoids' MO. I think maybe if you focused on their skin being ripped off in every dream instead of just the first or being trapped within their own bodies (sort of like the slow-burn sloth) that would foreshadow their actual goals. As it is currently, it's just 4 bad dreams.
I do like the Parasomnoids, the idea behind them is interesting and as a threatening anomaly, they're pretty unique. I do think that the extent of their power doesn't really make sense though. If they can use your dreams to enter your body, then how come they really only had influence in certain areas of the galaxy? How come nobody knew about these guys beforehand? Their motivations for causing a civil war and gaining power are also pretty much non-existent. They want to take over humanity and cause all this strife, because… why not? I mean that would certainly be a more interesting discussion topic than the bargain bin Flash Gordon discussion we get.
I think the whole article really just falls apart during the whole civil war section. It would be much more interesting to see this play out as a sort of Body Snatchers situation rather than them just deciding to show themselves randomly after patiently plotting all this time.
The final bit of dialogue… I think you should just cut it entirely. It's definitely not the worst dialogue on the site, (that probably goes to 414) but it isn't getting any awards anytime either. The Parasomnoid isn't threatening at all, and GD-Front's lines sound like they should be coming out of an action figure.
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