My first submitted article and a submission for the Minimalism Contest.
http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/forum/t-15464740/man-eating-swill-bin
Huge thanks to DoubleDenial, televisionist and BetterMyButter for the crits.
RPC-844 / Discussion
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I thought this was pretty interesting. My biggest structural qualm is that the satanic ritual stuff is pretty cheesy and surface-level, but that's clearly by design at least somewhat. Honestly, I think the contemporary application is perhaps the most engaging part of the concept. I'm glad to see how much more intimidating you've made the anomaly since the draft.
Unfortunately, your grasp of the English language is really a weak link. I hate to fall back on that point since it's so unhelpful, but almost every sentence is off in some way. The most glaring issue is that a lot of the sentences are long and meandering. Take the first description sentence for example:
RPC-844 is a steel cylinder-shaped 90-liter bin with a hinged handle lid containing components of edible plants, dairy, and meats from various farm animals, such as cattle, mixed with water and other waste materials to the brim.
That's 37 words in one sentence, and it's hard for a reader to make heads or tails of. Here's a quick revision I came up with:
RPC-844 is a steel, cylindrical, 90-liter bin with a hinged handle lid. The bin is filled with components of edible plants, dairy, and meats from various farm animals, mixed with water and other waste materials.
You'll see that I've
- separated it into two sentences
- put commas between the list of adjectives
- changed "cylinder-shaped" into "cylindrical"
- and changed "containing … to the brim" to "filled with".
Later on, there are three points where the clinical tone uses contractions ("doesn't", "couldn't", "it's"), which is a big no-no.
I enjoyed it when looking past the grammar. It didn't blow me away, but it's otherwise nice for a first article. 4/5
This is a fine article. The idea isn't super interesting and it feels like you didn't really know where to take it. The whole demon transformation and final note about the effects of the swill didn't really do much for me. When you described it growing teeth and a mouth, I honestly kind of hoped it would become something like a mimic, maybe have a scene afterward where it rips the hand of an unknowing researcher or CSD off. The tone and grammar is also a bit off in places and could use some work.
some fun imagery that gets bogged down immensely by piles upon piles upon piles of weird tone and wording. i felt like that transformation sequence already made its point but then went on for another three paragraphs which only made it increasingly harder to follow, and then the ending just didn't do anything for me. +2
blabbo
It's an alright read. The addedum was a nice bit of goofy visual fun, and the article in its entirety stays fairly modest. However, as people have mentioned already, the tone is weird at times. Luckily that's something that you can get better at with time.
The ending was abrupt and felt disconnected from the rest of the story. What does the pigs mutating actually add? Nothing, really. What's worse is that contributes to the ending feeling like a side note more than anything else.
A nitpick, the last addendum has you referring to the anomaly (RPC-844) as RPC-187.
3/5
/forum/t-15499989/rpc-844#post-