Mincon - Enter Again: Memoirs of a Blood-Bather
(account deleted) 20 Dec 2022 00:27
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/butterdantezone
Another minicon entry! This one was inspired by Proto and his friend Illucifuge.
Mincon - Enter Again: Memoirs of a Blood-Bather
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» Mincon - Enter Again: Memoirs of a Blood-Bather
Summary:
Sometimes the smallest things take the most room in your heart.
(account deleted) 20 Dec 2022 00:27
Containment Protocols: RPC-784's contents cannot be observed by unauthorized individuals under any circumstance.
The location of the original manuscript of The Memoirs of Elizabeth Báthory can only be disclosed to Level 5 personnel assigned to its containment. No testing is permitted.
The containment seems to be especially strict for this, especially considering how it doesn't pose any danger compared to a lot of other anomalies. First off, I would lower the personnel level of the second line to Level 4, since Level 5 is exclusive to GDs. It might also sound better if you changed the first line to:
RPC-784 is to be stored in an alpha storage locker. No personnel are allowed to read its contents.
their epidermis undergoes an unknown transmutative process that causes unique symptoms when consumed by women. It is unknown the quantity of epidermis required to induce the anomaly's effects.
The phrasing on these two lines feels a little awkward and forced. It might sound better formatted a bit like this:
their epidermis undergoes an unknown transmutative process. When a currently unknown quantity of the subject's epidermis is consumed by a woman, it causes unique symptoms.
Benwurst was able to acquire RPC-784 before it was seized as evidence and fled the scene.
I do love the mental image of an Auctoritas member looking at a man who slit his own throat, completely ignoring him and taking the book before, well, booking it out of there.
Since its acquisition by the RPC Authority, RPC-784 has been in the possession of [REDACTED].
It feels a bit weird to have a certain member of RPC just have the book, especially because its effects are very useful. (although the way they have to be used is definitely deplorable) Also it kinda makes the containment measures of not letting anybody read it moot since its under the care of just one random person instead of in a locked box or room you need access for.
Both of the excerpts are quite nice. As this stands, I'd probably rate this article maybe a 4 possibly a 5, since I don't really see any overarching issues.
I would disagree with Spambot in that Level 5 doesn’t only cover GD solely but other high-level administrative personnel as well)
police officials
French National Guard was the law enforcement body at the time
Other things, such as the pregnancy of Hunor and Thurzó’s age has already been edited.
This story has a good twist on the actual Countess and that’s about all I can say about the article.
There are definitely things that I think could be addressed yet at the same time would ruin the subtlety of the text. Like,
The location of the original manuscript of The Memoirs of Elizabeth Báthory can only be disclosed
It brings up the idea that the Authority should probably make a lesser transcript/decoy of RPC-784, but that would take away from the implication that the Authority likely went through the effort of finding a by-product of the book (Benwurst) to be its keeper.
Or that Báthory male infant killing doesn’t really translate to what Báthory really did to young girls IRL (motivated by her sadism rather than psychosis) which then hints at how much of her crimes can be attributed to her and not something falsified by Thurzó.
There’s also the idea that there are thousands of doppelgangers (of Báthory, Thurzó, and Nádasdy etc.) across the world, and I find the idea of Báthory’s daughters generations on carrying that same rage and resentment even now, but as far as what you’ve said already, that’s another aspect irrelevant to the article.
2/5. 3/5, construction-wise, but overall it is a fair article. I did not particularly jump into it, but I was not dissuaded. I gave spag in the DMs of future Butters (you can't impune me for not doing it cause I haven't given it to present Butters, but to your future self).
My big three complaints with the article are as follows:
1. I talked to you about this on disc., but IDK what it is fully trying to say. The phrasing could be clearer. That is important, seeming as the description is the foundation of your article.
RPC-784 itself is non-anomalous in composition. When a human reads the book in its entirety aloud, their epidermis undergoes an unknown process that, when consumed while pregnant, causes unusual symptoms.
It is corroborated by witness testimony that children born by women who have consumed the affected skin gain memories and personality identical to the individual their mother ate, although to what extent is unknown.
I also do not know why every two sentences are broken up, line by line, but it is bad formatting. It is very noticeable how it tries to make the article look larger than it is.
2. The 2nd addendum is too long, and it waters down its impact. It takes too long to develop your thesis when I think of a few punchy descriptions of the horrors of childbirth would dramatically increase this article's likability.
3. What is this article about? The only thing that got me close to the intrigue was the final log, which revealed a sort of contempt for motherhood and children. However, that was the only part of the article that ever came to life. Even if it was intelligible, the description could have been drier and thematically built toward the piece. It puts distance towards it by adding a thick layer of dust. I thought you would make another period piece like last time when I got with the discovery, but it did not pay off for me. I do not think I am any more fascinated or gripped by the fact that this anomaly's story takes place in 1750 France or whatever than if you said it took place in 2050 Hawaii.
I am not saying it would not affect anything, but that there is a common problem throughout 4/5ths of this article: The entire setup and premise do not work to a larger thesis, either thematically and it does not give me a reason to care.
Jealousy of birth, the horrors of motherhood, insanity, and quietly suffering through the responsibility of nobility are decent themes. However, the way it is presented seems more interesting in laying down facts that build towards a tone or thematic thesis that it just feels flavorless. The only part that shows some sense of vision in its execution is the final addendum. However, even the last excerpt barely makes any sense. It did not jump out to me who the author was; when it became apparent, it felt "lesser" for lack of better diction. Lesser than what, I cannot say. Nevertheless, I felt let down.
I did not consider half of these ideas presented in TTPY's crit because they were absent. At least the question the article wanted me to ponder was not clear at the end. I thought she was just insane and felt as if schizo demons were conspiring against her. Furthermore, the idea he brought up was cool. However, its implementation in the piece was muddled at best and not readily apparent to be noticeable, nor felt like something I could call into question on whether or not it was anomalous, like with your previous entry.
Overall, you have a decent idea with a description that does not communicate it well to the audience and is mainly focused on exposition, explaining its mechanics and backstory while never properly building an identity or thematic focus to each other. It feels disjointed and bare.
I know this idea has potential, and that you can realize it.
/forum/t-15473540/mincon-enter-again:memoirs-of-a-blood-bather#post-