Mincon - Goyslop
Mincon - Goyslop
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» Mincon - Goyslop
Summary:
Pizzagate eat your heart out
(account deleted)I'm seeing a lot of missing punctuation in the footnotes and that interview, double check that.
MST Romeo-7 is to have at least one agent observing every instance of RPC-936.
One agent or more of MST Romeo-7 must be observing every RPC-936 instance at all times. Or, since it seems like you mean that each individual restaurant must have one individual agent, Each RPC-936 instance must have at least one agent of MST Romeo-7 observing it at all times. I'd go with the yellow.
As an aside, why is an MST doing this? They're mobile teams, right? Why would they dedicate an agent from a specialized, highly trained team just to watch this one particular anomaly? Especially from Romeo-7 since they're an ACI Asset, who have "little or no anomaly- or phenomena-specific training". And the thing is, they're not doing anything besides reporting it, according to these procedures. Why assign someone so valuable to this job, especially if they're not even going to be the one containing it?
concentrated in new england and southern California.
Capitalize these locations, they're proper nouns
just want to spin a yarn3
I think there are better ways to denote that these are keywords without using a footnote, especially since footnotes cause point deductions in the contest. Also, I'd put footnotes after punctuation, it looks cleaner.
It feels like the downfall of man is getting closer and closer.4
That footnote is another 100 point deduction. I don't really like this keyword either. Isn't really something you can subtly say.
Unfortunately the only suspicious details were faint traces of allspice on both bodies and a note in L███'s sleeve with nothing but the letters "ΩI"
FORGOT PUNCTUATION AT THE END!!
Overall, I'm not a huge fan of this. It's a little rough around the edges and the concept itself isn't very compelling. I'm more curious about how they found that people would have "more lenient view of authoritative systems" after eating there.
And the OI connection feels like a stretch? I just don't see why they'd do it just with crab restaurants. This article just feels silly and not in a good way.
Posting snippets from my convo from a spambot, lightly skimmed and edited so some of its flow might not make sense in the context of this post cause it was a two on two but I want it documented so I'm doing it anyway also I just writing run-on sentences in draft forums, sue me.
Spambot asked me if this was silly, this was my response:
"You know, I read this and said the last line out loud, involuntarily I heard a Seinfield riff play as a laugh track faded in my head, this draft. felt so goofy. But honestly, it might actually work as a parody -j with some tweaks. In an alternate article, I'm imagining this article ending with a parody of the overlook hotel photo, but instead, it is set around a barbie with Alex Jones and George Soros in Hawaiian shirts.
So yes, it was pretty silly. It reads like a parody of OI, like you're satirizing "There are no angles here"
- Begins with an innocuous, almost vague concept for the anomaly that could be a coincidence
- The description identifies key aspects of the anomaly while barely describing what feels like the anomaly should be itself
- Agents are sent undercover and prod into the anomaly too much
- Inexplicable death, the case remains unsolved, followed by the company watermark
- Queue Violin stinger
it's a good article at heart. (I wanna stress this rn, I didn't hate it or find it burdensome. I probably would've thought it intentional if you hadn't told me otherwise.) It feels like a parody (unintentionally, I guess) cause it's every trope about the conspiracy-bait GoI rolled in one.
Okay serious critique: The question of what the anomaly is, in my head, is so vague with so many potentially reasonable (yet probably clandestine) answers that it practically could be written off very easily. It could be the CIA, it could be the Illuminati. Nothing breaks natural law here. It has no greater purpose being a registered phenomena code than it does being an ACI file. There's not a strong indicator as to what the actual anomaly was. In fact, if you removed the last sentence, I would've just written it off as Don Quixote chasing windmills. This doesn't sound like that strong of an idea or reads as an idea with that bombastic of an execution. I know what the anomaly is, and I read what it factually is in the description.
And btw, I'm okay with minimalist concepts or articles that push the boundaries with what can be considered anomalous, but there has to be a pay-off. And when what your anomaly is isn't clear, usually that compensated with the effects of it. You never establish what the true, drastic real-world effects, by-products, or whatever is the long-term consequences of these crab joints. You don't even really hint at 'em. You literally kill off your character before I know what they are. And becoming more inclined to conspiracies doesn't really count in my mind cause its so mundane
I see two different paths here: either a, expand what the effects are of this random pattern of crab joints and make the mystery of what's going on the focus of the anomaly, felt via its long-term evidence. Or b: Make it an ACI log about field agents investigating a possible occurrence and focus more on the moment-to-moment.
Suggestion: Ham it up. Make it like some spooky urban legend about the kid's menu secret item on the level of bloody marry that a bunch of separate seafood restaurants has, and one guy says too many activation phrases, and this fast worker just flat out john wicks the first agent before beating the other agents in the van parked outside to death.
Ends with one of the crab restaurants entire staff vanishing, the back of the restaurant is an empty room with no cooking supplies, and the agents found stuffed in metal mascot statues three odd states away
/forum/t-15471594/mincon-goyslop#post-
