Man-Eating Swill Bin
Done writing my submission of the Minimalism Contest.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/swillbin
Would like to get crits for my writing and grammar, along with Clinical Tones.
Man-Eating Swill Bin
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» Man-Eating Swill Bin
Summary:
Submission for the Minimalism Contest.
This article maybe would've passed on the mainlist in 2018, but times have changed and quality standards have risen. This was remarkably similar to RPC-006, but with a more complicated effect that unfortunately has less to offer in a narrative sense. It's quite literally—and this is a stock complaint that I'm partly ashamed to be quoting, but it's applicable—a "thing that does a thing".
The key to writing a good short article (or, hell, a good article of any length) is to aim for an emotional appeal. I don't think it's too tough to plan out; just pick a feeling that you want to reader to experience and hone in on it as well as you can. Take RPC-006 from before, for instance. It's not the most universally beloved article, but it uses its simple concept to be cute and funny. The majority of your draft is spent on direct exposition. This is understandable given the contest, but is still detrimental to the article. There are some authors who manage to write dynamic and gripping exposition, but it's a tough thing to master, and there's not much engagement to be found here. There have been enough monsters that eat people, so the description fails to surprise.
The third description paragraph is spent detailing things that don't happen. I did feel like some of these clarifications were valuable, but spending time describing what the anomaly isn't is generally something to be wary of.
I find the last description paragraph somewhat disappointing. The basic idea is that there's nothing anyone can do to stop it; It always knows where its target is, and it can get past any restraint in order to attack them. The question I have is, why? Showing something different that happens when the anomaly is denied its goal can lead in much more interesting directions then just making it powerful for the sake of it.
The discovery log doesn't do much to improve the article. The "unnecessary discovery log" is a common flaw I see in articles, and this is a pretty clear example of it. There's information being added, but it lacks context or significance.
The writing quality is mixed. The tone was actually achieved rather decently, but there was a lot of room for improvement in the grammar and sentence clarity.
Overall, I would rate this a 2/5 or a 1/5 in its current form. The narrative direction of the draft needs to be reconsidered.
Thanks for the replay.
Honestly, I felt the concept isn't really something I can expand on much. I do have other ideas like the bin produces grease outside of it containing human cells, and at the bottom of the bin is a weirdly painted symbol. I didn't add those because I felt didn't fit in a contest about minimalism.
I did admittedly make the anomaly a bit too powerful. However, I did recently brainstorm an idea of what happens if a victim escapes. It involves something with the symbol inside of it.
Discovery was sort of meant to be a bit of a commentary about swill being illegal in Australia. Felt I should've put a footnote explaining that.
Also, what are the grammar and sentencing I need to improve on? I have been using the free version of Grammarly and I am aware that it sucks.
These are a few snippets from our convo in DMS that I tried organizing into coherent long-form paragraphs. No this isn't everything I said, just the biggest paragraphs I could copy-paste. Yes, this was a one-on-one that I'm posting my exclusive answers from, that I skimmed, so yes there's a likely chance that some of it won't make sense cause I'm talking to a ghost. Look, I'm tired, it's 1 am. Here's your proof of crit for the threshold.
"The worst piece of news I can think of is that you probably should rewrite the entire thing from scratch. However, that's not because the idea itself is bad, but because of the way you wrote it. A good rule of thumb is that your first sentence should tell us what 90% of the anomaly is and also limit yourself to one adverb/adjective. With the first sentence, you can usually cheat a 'Lil bit to simplify the sentence.
I didn't finish my crit initially cause it was late and I thought I had more time, but I had a health issue. I haven't my crit now because I think there're some major problems in here. I wanna say that the idea itself is interesting enough. The problem isn't with the idea, it's with the execution and the fact that you're not writing it clinically, you are writing it formally. Being clinical is not being detached, but rather writing simply and writing precisely. "The fox ate dinner and jumped over the moon" is closer to a clinical tone than, "after the fox had finished digesting his meal, he then wound up his back legs to attempt a large enough vault to overcome the lunar body." You're burying your ideas under your sentences weight
An experienced writer could usually take one good sentence to tell what the first few paragraphs states. What we know about the anomaly is:
- It has the outward appearance of a 90-liter cylinder filled with animal feed and byproducts
- Internally, the bottom of the barrel contains a circular row of teeth and long tongue
- When it is emptied, it will aggressively seek out meat and/or live prey by contorting its body to consume it, at which point it goes docile.
You have a good hierarchy of information here, you just have to show it.
You can go with a lot of different types of horror here: Body horror, and slasher (although it doesn't always work). But the main question I have is this: What is your theme, or statement with the anomaly? What does a carnivorous swill bin say? Furthermore, another thing I should warn you about is the redactions: RPC is much looser about its redactions in that no one really uses them. The location of an anomaly is not privy to restrictions unless it's a vital source for the authority or knowing about it dangerous.
Moreover, I wanna talk about suspension of disbelief, I assume you're aware of it, right? Look, I'll make it quick, the problem is that you've established a very compact idea, which is good, but the logs mess with that in a way that takes me out: when your anomaly is put in an unwinnable position, you can have them pull third maneuvers previously unknown to the authority. However, when you say a gust of wing breaks down the container, it just comes out of the left field and there's no cohesion with what's previously seen further applies for the anomaly killing the doctor in his sleep.
I don't really have anything to add unless you need more help figuring out where to go from here, so here's what I suggest:
Positives:
- You're one of the few new writers who actually manage to establish a pretty clear hierarchy of information.
- Although there were a few out-of-left-field moments, your article felt holistic and not as if a chunk was ripped from it.
- You kept within the relative length range and also weren't that bad with the spelling.
- Is there anything else you'd like help with?
Negatives/Suggestions
- use simpler sentences, phrase things simpler and more clear cut. Get rid of the redactions
- and make your anomaly itself clear in the first sentence, then its behavior
- rework the addendum entirely, and focus more on intertwining the occult aspect within it. (make sure that this stands as a one-off piece.)
- Focus more on what happens when it's denied food. Following SCP-035's approach to anomaly becoming more difficult to contain
- Stay relatively within the parameters of the anomaly you have created. It's okay if the anomaly is somewhat predictable, just make sure what's said doesn't sound like it's coming out of your bum
Don't worry too hard about spag. I can help you with a deep cleaning
Just make sure it's relatively presentable, cause I'd be happy to go over your wonderful article again. "
(account deleted)Only clearance of Level 3 or higher is allowed to access it.
Only personnel with a clearance of Level 3 or higher are permitted access to the anomaly.
RPC-781 is an ordinary steel cylinder shape 90-liter bin with a handle lid. Inside it is a substance containing components of human aliments…
…with a handle lid, within which is a substance containing…
human aliments of edible plants, dairy, and meats from animals such as Bos Taurus (Cattle) and Gallus Gallus Domesticus (Chicken) mixed with water commonly called swill1 filled up to the top.
…edible plants, dairy, and meats from various farm animals, such as cattle. These are mixed with water and other waste materials to the brim.
Avoid footnotes. In this contest, those cost 100 points.
At the bottom of the bin are black-painted symbols of currently 9 3cm pig footprints, all spiraling downward incomplete.
The bottom of the bin features painted pigs' hoofprints in black, all spiraling downward and most incomplete.
When RPC-781 is entirely empty the lid will fling back to the top of the bin, sharp teeth will extend out around the ring and the edge of the lid, and a large tongue will stick outward from below the ring.
When empty, the lid will be pushed back to allow for sharp teeth and a prehensile tongue to emerge from the bin.
I'm really confused what's happening here. So the lid itself grows the teeth and tongue, or..?
It's a bit late for a line by line, but hopefully this is enough to fix up the first bits and give you an idea for what to do next. Lemme know if you need more.
As for the entire article, I'm not that into it, it's a little confusing with how its worded and I feel like you could simplify the anomaly itself and the way it is described. Break it down to bullet points and expand from that.
Thanks for the crit.
Should remind you that I going to give another rewrite after a long discussion I had with televisionist at Discord on what to improve on and make it feel more occult-lean.
So when I'm done with the rewrite, I really would like more crits with the editing if that's still okay with you.
Alright, new crit:
Protocols:
RPC-781 must always be filled at all times and never emptied except during testing.
You repeat yourself here. "…must always be filled at all times" is unnecessary. Go with either always or at all times.
Description:
RPC-781 is a steel cylinder-shaped 90-liter bin with a hinged handle lid; within is a substance containing components of edible plants, dairy, and meats from various farm animals, such as cattle. These are mixed with water and other waste materials to the brim. The bottom of the bin features painted shapes in black, assembling a pattern that resembles a magic circle.
"Magic circle" is not a clinical term. Describing something as a green|"Magic circle"## doesn't really help a researcher reading this understand what it is. Be specific.##
When RPC-781 is completely emptied, a vortex will open at the bottom of the bin, and a long maroon colored left-handed arm approximately 3.7 m in length and constructed with five joints will emerge out of it. It will quickly grab the nearest personnel human and drag them into the vortex. After pulling personnel in, causing a new load of its primary substance will eros out from the vortex to rise up to the top before it closes.
I'm not sure if vortex is the best way to describe it. A vortex of what? Can we see the vortex? Try:
"…a swirling pattern of black shapes will form at the bottom of the bin, from which a long maroon-colored left-handed arm will…"
Or something similar. Try to be more descriptive than just "vortex."
The substance refilled from within RPC-781 doesn't appear to have any human components, appears is non-anomalous, and seems to have no side effects have yet to be identified when fed to pigs or other livestock. The anomaly entity within appears to be aware of its environment and surroundings. It can track, capable of tracking the closest nearest personnel nearby or go after the following personnel most relative to it if the closest one gets further from it. It , and only goes after pursuing humans, never animals or other organisms. until the bin is filled.
Personnel implies that the hand will only come after members of the Authority. The addendum makes it seem like it pursues all humans, so instead of personnel change it to just human life.
Also, you use appear almost back to back here. Try to use synonyms instead of the same word over and over to make the text less repetitive.
Discovery:
…an ongoing investigation of the owner of the farm disappearance name Daniel Baxter's disappearance.
What happened here? Cut it I guess.
…where he later found RPC-781 in a shack in the center of a painted magic circle similar in design of the marking in the anomaly.
Just restating that you should avoid using "magic circle" because it's not very evocative or something that would be used in clinical tone.
notes of a ritual mentioning an alternative way of pig feeding were found in a desk drawer.
This is going to be controversial, but why use magic? Pigs can already eat human flesh. Is the bin producing MORE matter than it takes with a human life? Like if you're already willing to use human lives, then just feed the pigs dead bodies. This sounds horrible but I'm serious, pigs can eat dead humans.
Unless the ritual produces more nutrition than a dead guy, why use a ritual that kills people when you can just kill people? Is it about hiding the body? Because pigs will eat the entire corpse. There are true crime cases about this stuff. What do you gain from using magic instead of just normal pigs? Can it even eat dead people?
https://everythinggp.com/2020/08/05/can-pigs-make-a-body-disappear-almost/
https://www.newsweek.com/woman-eaten-her-pigs-after-she-collapses-while-feeding-them-1323721
Addendum 1:
Actually, this is pretty cool. It's way too long and way too verbose when I feel like it could be compressed into one or two paragraphs, and could use quote blocks (you know, with > and stuff) but other than that it's interesting and gives the anomaly some depth.
the anomaly then makes a position
What does that mean?
Final Thoughts:
It's okay. Right now I'd rate it a 2/3 as is because it's not much above decent right now. Try to condense the final addenda and use quote blocks to make it easier to read.
Kinda surprised it never went over if it eats dead human bodies.
Thanks for the crits.
It never crossed my mind that pigs would eat humans but not surprised about it either. I could make the swill anomalous where it would fatten pigs faster.
For the dead bodies as I see it, the anomalous will only take living ones as offerings. Would write a small mention of that.
With a few more touches, hopefully, I will get it posted tomorrow.
/forum/t-15464740/man-eating-swill-bin#post-