RPC-319 / Discussion
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The image is distractingly fake. The creatures are obviously drawings and look like they're in harsh lighting, while the room appears floodlit. It's not a great first impression.
Any female staff seen attempting to enter RPC-319's containment unit or showing suspicious behavior in regards to RPC-319, such as frequently coming into proximity to the containment unit or constant talk about RPC-319 instances, are to be detained, interrogated and given Class-C amnestics if a growing obsession over the RPC-319 instances has become evident.
The last part is redundant, since "a growing obsession" is obviously what the beginning was describing.
Instead of echolocation, this organ is speculated to be the reason behind RPC-319's anomalous psychokinetic abilities.
Dangling modifier; Echolocation isn't an anomalous psychokinetic ability.
It has been suggested that RPC-319's current appearance has been regarded as a 'mistake' by their creators, 'Kabushiki Kawaii', as gathered through interviews with RPC-319's alleged creator and high-ranking geneticist of Kabushiki Kawaii, Dr. Toshi ████████.
This entire paragraph comes out of nowhere and feels misplaced for being so early on. It comes in the middle of the anomaly's biological description and doesn't match the paragraphs before or after it. It's a little too explicit, as well. Also, abruptly dropping in a GoI without a pothole link or footnote explanation is kind of cruel.
However RPC-319 instances appear incapable of fully vocalizing human speech, despite autopsy studies showing a fully-formed human-like larynx and tongue within the throat of RPC-319 specimens.
Repetitive wording with "fully". You could also cut out the "of RPC-319 specimens" at the end.
It is currently unclear as to how these mental disorders developed, though one hypothesis is due to intense abuse and confinement by the GoI in question, and a possible existential crisis relating to the reason for their creation.
This is too explicit; It reads like it was taken from the author's notes. There are much subtler and more effective ways of communicating how and why the creatures are mentally unstable.
If a human female is observed within a reachable distance, RPC-319 will attempt to interact with the female subject physically, though initially in a non-aggressive manner unless provoked when perceiving a threat, especially after prolonged periods of isolation without the appropriate stimuli to keep RPC-319 preoccupied.
Sentence is too long.
RPC-319's most anomalous form of attack/defense is their ability to project a 'psionic wave' emitted from their blowholes, that coming into contact with a human subject will produce enough force to knock back said subject, capable of rendering them momentarily unconscious.
First, the word "emitted" is redundant. Second, "That coming into contact with a human subject" is just clunky wording. Also, does it only work on humans? Third, the restatement of "said subject" is awkward. Lastly, connecting the two thoughts with "capable of" is poor, because it's not immediately obvious which subject it's referring to.
These psychological conditions were probably implanted by RPC-319 instances, though a few researchers hypothesized that in some subjects exposed to RPC-319's effects, these are repressed innate desires that have been brought into consciousness by RPC-319's psionic waves, yet this is still debated.
Sentence is too long.
MST Alpha-21 apprehended Dr.Toshi at his base of operations on the island of Mikurashima after gaining substantial evidence linking him to the website responsible for advertising RPC-319 to the public, and upon further research it was discovered that Toshi ████████ claims to have been the creator of RPC-319.
Sentence is too long.
Dr. Toshi: Some idiot team leader in the production facility got the details mixed up! Everything was reversed!
So instead of an attractive male upper body and the lower body of the dolphin, well you've seen how they look.
Fucked up formatting, lol
I, to management, reported the error
Strange choice of phrasing, but it works. (It's a little harder to nitpick dialogue since it's so subjective.)
It is observed that Dr. Toshi's increased agitation as the interview progresses causes him to reveal crucial information he was unintentionally withholding prior.
"Unintentionally withholding"? I feel like that's the opposite of what you meant to say.
Dr. Toshi: I think this was done on purpose.
Missing asterisks to make the name bold.
A month prior to Dr. Toshi ████████'s detainment by the Authority, MST Unit Hotel-11 "Karasu" received reports that an American female tourist (designated as POI-1353) from [REDACTED],California had boarded a private flight back to the states from the Tokyo International Airport.
I can figure they're American if they're from California. There's also a missing space before "California". "The states" is a rather casual term, isn't it? I feel like it should at least be capitalized. You could probably remove "to the states" from the sentence, in any case.
However, upon arriving at the target's residence in [REDACTED]
A little redundant, since we've already been told where they live. (Well, it's redacted, but you know what I mean.)
The general speculation of this incident was that POI-1353 was heavily exposed to the waves produced by RPC-319, resulting in developing an abnormally prevalent sado-masochistic obsession with her RPC-319 captives, causing massive physical trauma to the instances in various ways.
Again, this could be left up to the reader's interpretation.
However, upon attempting a slow approach as to not provoke any unwarranted actions, POI-1353 turned and leapt out of the five-story bedroom window, terminating herself and the (currently) unknown number of infants in her possession.
Who's attempting the slow approach here?
I enjoyed this, but it was rather slow. I didn't feel like there was much motivation stringing me along to keep reading the next part. On a similar note, it doesn't really have a conclusive ending. I did like the Ace Attorney vibes I got from the progression, but I think this needed some kind of action scene to serve as a climax. Instead, it just kind of peters out.
It was a good use of the GoI and a creative premise in of itself. The execution was perfect for the most part, it's the actual narrative that could've used work. 4/5
The idea of individuals made to resemble "reverse mermen" and used for nothing but sexual gratification is horrifying to me. A great use of a GoI I see much potential in! However, there are some questionable narrative choices which pad out the length of the article, as if the author tried cramming in as many things as possible (Long description, 3 interviews, event addendum and an advertisement.). Parts of all these these segments support the vibe of the article, while others serve as filler. To summarize: The article could have been shorter without sacrificing much. 4/5
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