RPC-XXX: You Piece Of Shit, I Said No Bikes [POSTED]
Article is out!!
This idea came to me and I wanted to see it through. It's on the short side.
[MinCon2023] RPC-XXX: You Piece Of Shit, I Said No Bikes [POSTED]
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» [MinCon2023] RPC-XXX: You Piece Of Shit, I Said No Bikes [POSTED]
Summary:
I bet he's going to resign. (~350 words) [POSTED]
Civilians have reported effects which last anywhere from several minutes to an entire week
effects that last anywhere from several minutes to an entire week
All effects subsided after one week.
After one week, all effects subsided.
Funny! Not much more to say about it due to how short it is. Perfect snack-sized article, 5/5
Damn, thanks! I'm implementing both of these points.
Re: [MinCon2023] RPC-XXX: You Piece Of Shit, I Said No Bikes
(account deleted) 11 Dec 2022 00:32
suuuuuch a cute article!! igotchu…
Hazard Types: Sensory
Wouldn't this be updated with the other stuff? like ballistic or explosive? i guess this would be archived as well, right? clarify that if u wanna
Civilians have reported
Just civilians? I guess this is meant to imply there is a timeline, like this part of the article hasn't been updated to the tests since it says that research is ongoing, but earlier in the article it's deemed neutralized and archived. the time doesnt flow well here i belive
Subjects riding bicycles
Again, timeline issue: SUBJECTS riding bicycles, but CIVILIANS report?
Subject attempted to aim towards RPC-XXX, but recoiled in shock, reporting a jolt of pain across his body. Trial was aborted.
the structure seems convoluted, do you wanna try:
Subject recoiled in shock upon attempt, reporting a jolt of pain across body. Trial aborted.
RPC-XXX spontaneously combusted
spontaneous combustion is generally just fire. i'd add to/replace combustion with explosion to clarify. even if it does mean explosion, i think most people will assume it caught fire more than it blew up :/
Unfold
Re: [MinCon2023] RPC-XXX: You Piece Of Shit, I Said No Bikes by (account deleted), 11 Dec 2022 00:32
(account deleted), 11 Dec 2022 00:32
Great, thanks for the input!
Unfold
Re: [MinCon2023] RPC-XXX: You Piece Of Shit, I Said No Bikes by 
DoubleDenial, 11 Dec 2022 01:27
Okay, I read this a little while ago but I became unavailable for crit due to yada yada who cares crit time. I will say, your grammar is alright, and so, take my crit with a grain of salt as it's mostly suggestions on how to improve your article.
A three meter tall fence has been installed around the perimeter of RPC-XXX's active zone, deemed OL-Site-XXX.
How large is that perimeter? It's easy to assume it's referring to RPC-XXX's radius, however, I can clearly see a road behind RPC-XXX. Wouldn't it be weird if a cyclist road had a big fence surrounding a fence? How would you explain that? I would like some form of clarification for this, as short as you need it be, but as long as it makes things clear.
RPC-XXX is a square "No Bicycling" sign, fastened to the ground by a metal pole.
That's it? I understand you're going for minimalism, but this is almost just as unpolished as single-sentence containment protocols. My suggestion, something as simple as ''it's located at [X], a road/cycling track in [Y].'' should do the trick. You could even redact the last part if you deem it irrelevant (which it kinda is)1
Result: Subject reported a sense of unease after ten minutes.
Would work better if we get a specific detail of what kind of unease. The previous log worked just fine because we can all relate to groin pain, but this part is kinda odd. I suggest you restructure the sentence so that whatever specific kind of uneasyness the subject reports, it can be felt (could be paranoia, delusions, or a simple ''Im being watched'' kinda thing).
Trial was aborted nine minutes in, as subject complained of dizziness vertigo2, nausea, and shortness of breath. Subject would eventually vomit. After one week, all effects subsided.
The middle does not read well off the tongue (I mean maybe it's just a skilled issue because lol ESL but still). It doesn't feel impactful, and I do believe it's a poor use of the Past Simple tense. Suggestion, find a way to describe someone puking that really shows it3
Result: Subject recoiled in shock upon attempt, reporting a jolt of pain across his body. Trial was aborted.
Minor suggestion, would've been better if you noted that the subject fell to the ground upon receiving the shocking pain.
One minute and 29 seconds into Trial XXX-05, RPC-XXX suddenly exploded detonated4. 12 subjects were injured by flying shrapnel. The debris shows no anomalous properties, and RPC-XXX is considered neutralized.
Were they fatally injured? It would have been hilarious if they got shrapnel on their groin, one last ''fuck you'' before the anomaly went down. Or, if the shrapnel got all over their hands and feet, hell, if one guy would've gone blind that would-I'm getting to ahead of myself. Point is, as it is, it's not very impactful and I don't really feel like this sign said ''well fuck all of you'' before killing itself.
If I were to rate this, be it for mainlist of MinContest, as it is, I'd give this a 3 stars. But it's not that bad, it's just missing some flavor to it. Some extra UMPF, yknow? I didn't find it funny, but humor is subjective so whatever.
Footnotes
1. i.e, RPC-XXX is a square "No Bicycling" sign, located at Dorado KM 21, a cyclist road located in [REDACTED].
2. Same thing, more clinical.
3. i.e, […]and shortness of breath. The subject then proceeded to projectile vomit into the equipment.[…]
4. Look it up, there's a difference between Explosion and Detonation. Plus it sounds cooler
Unfold
Re: [MinCon2023] RPC-XXX: You Piece Of Shit, I Said No Bikes by 
High Gamma, 11 Dec 2022 04:29
Alright. I'm glad you could make it on time.
Wouldn't it be weird if a cyclist road had a big fence surrounding a [sign]?
First off, that looks to be a golf course. Also, it's weird, but not that weird; I don't tend to question the purpose of restricted property in my day-to-day life.
Were they fatally injured? It would have been hilarious if they got shrapnel on their groin, one last ''fuck you'' before the anomaly went down.
I'm trying to avoid typecasting myself with any more dick comedy, okay? (By the way, that suggestion wouldn't really be in line with my general intent.)
I don't plan on dramatically retooling this draft at the moment, but your points were valuable nonetheless. I probably sound overly defensive here, but in truth I have edited my article to reflect most of your direct criticism.
Unfold
Re: [MinCon2023] RPC-XXX: You Piece Of Shit, I Said No Bikes by DoubleDenial, 11 Dec 2022 12:04
/forum/t-15405971/mincon2023-rpc-xxx:you-piece-of-shit-i-said-no-bikes-posted#post-