http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/capitano-nox-grpc
Edit: the draft has gone through some major changes and was moved to a new sandbox (don't worry, I left a link on the old one). The article is also now co-authored with Mr Makor.
The Psy Corps is currently investigating to locate the passage between the homeworld of the GRP-054 species and the Infoplane in an attempt to send the aliens back to their dimension and seal the gateway.
TO
The Psy Corps is as of late, investigating potential passageways between GRP-054's transdimensional homeworld and the Infoplane. If found, an attempt to send the aliens back to their dimension and seal the gateway will be attempted.
Reason: Grammer and clinical tone.
Also known as "Psy Corps"; a branch of the GRPC Mobile Specialized Unit Registry, formed by the cooperation of Lakno and Wayxers, that specializes in dealing with anomalies through the use of psychic powers.
To
Also known as "Psy Corps,"; a branch of the GT Mobile Specialized Unit Registry, formed by the cooperation of Lakno and Wayxers, specialized in managing memetic anomalies through psychic means.
Reason: Corps is a part of the GT; the GRPC is its own Corp / proper grammar
or work colleagues
To
or work colleagues
Reason: Misspelling
GRP-054 instance are able to take
To
GRP-054 instance can take
Reason: Needless wording
It's highly recommended for humans - to avoid fighting with any GRP-054-controlled invidivual, nor to instigate any interaction with identified GRP-054-related dream constructs.
To
It's highly recommended that Humans - avoid fighting with any GRP-054-enthralled individuals, nor instigate any interaction with believed GRP-054-related dream constructs.
Reason: "Humans" is always capitalized / Clinical tone and proper verb usage
by a member of a psychic species, are currently
To
by a psychic species member proficient in phytherapy (Psychic Therapy), is currently
Reason: Clinical tone and Proper verb
Some thoughts:
So, okay, ending the point form here 'cause I think with some proofreading this is fine writing-wise. Storytelling-wise though… what about this is relevant to the GRPC? What about this connects or dovetails with the space opera setting in any way? This could just as easily be a regular RPC article with very minor tweaks.
I'm seeing lots of… I guess glossing over, throughout. It's not that there's any important detail missing, it's just not explored with the kind of rigor I'd expect from an article like this. Do more showing of the impact these psychic anomalies have on people, instead of just telling us that they do. Like, you spend a lot of words without getting into much detail about what their attacks on humanity look like, and without making them seem like particularly menacing threats.
The final addendum is really the cherry on the top of STOP TELLING US AND START SHOWING. I was hoping for an evocative, intense dream sequence to give a little bit of "wow" factor to the end of a fairly unexciting article, and what I got was more exposition.
They can't be a mysterious dream predator if we know their goals, their methods, and that they can be hurt. Fuck, lean into the dream side of things. Imply goals, imply threats, imply soul-searing emotional attacks. Knowing that the big scary dream monster can be hurt by just imagining stabbing it just kind of deflates any semblance of gravitas you've built up. The tone of the addendum also doesn't help with anything; this is a person who's just gone through a traumatic psychic attack, and their tone does not reflect that.
Spice it up, dude. You've got this theoretically wild and wacky setting and concept to work with and you don't do anything good with it.
Yeah, that's my fault. Sorry, I guess for as many spelling errors I took out I added some back in. I'll smooth them out in the second round of crit.
Don't think this is necessarily a bad piece of the number of edits. If I had to be honest, a lot of it was just me going through spellcheck and fixing grammar, I just reorganized a lot of it into actual paragraphs so that it was clearer for a lot of the bigger changes to be made. I am really conflicted about this piece. If you think I changed too much in my revisions, there's a version that's just my grammar check in the revisions.
Otherwise, I think it's well told enough that I would, in no meaning or suggestion of the word, want you to scrap this article. My biggest complaint is that you're a very vague and wordy writer, which are traits that I share, but you have to be efficient with your storytelling. The beginning description doesn't work because the first line doesn't tell jack shit about the species itself. Extra dimensional could mean literally anything. Furthermore, you have no clear hierarchy of information. A clinical document has to have a linear, or as close to a linear explanation for something as possible. But here, you jump from telling me they aren't physical to the fact that they torment people, "and they can possess you, but like humans, but you can fight them off, but it's not suggested, but psychics can fight them off, but it can also damage psychics. Hey, did you know this was dangerous?" It's not that it's too long, it's that you're not efficient. You need to be efficient. There's a decent runtime, but you have to organize it in a way that makes sense: who what where when, and why. It's why I combined and tore apart so many sentences cause you could either tell too little, or too much, or had complicated the meaning when what the sentence is conveying is darn simple.
I'm fine with all the addendum and that who-ha, just organize the sentences better: make it flow more. The thing that fucks with me is that you haven't done shit to show me the aliens. It is just tell, no show; And I don't care or know who GD-Front is. Why do I care about this dream? it's lazy writing.
Delete
Rewrite
Addition
The description feels a bit long and, I guess clunky? The Lesser Anomaly is a designation for events but it occurs in specific locations under specific circumstances. I feel the best change would be to trim down the description and change LO-010 to refer to the locations and not events. Standard SPAG fixes as well.
Description: LO-010 is the designation given to a collection of anomalous locations within the Nebula Sh2-136, and seems to be increasing amounts of Caldwell 4. LO-010 locations manifest once an individual, alien or otherwise capable of dreaming, sleeps in a location more than once. These anomalous locations are defined only as being areas of rest, with exact positioning being irrelevant. Examples include bedrooms, hotels, hospitals, ship quarters, spas, nests, clan burrows, and incubation sacks. When a subject begins to dream in a LO-010 location, they are guaranteed to have a nightmare.
Description: LO-010 is the designation given to a collection of locations within Nebula Sh2-136, and increasing amounts of Caldwell 4. LO-010 locations are defined only as being areas of rest, with exact positioning being irrelevant. Examples include bedrooms, hotels, hospitals, ship quarters, spas, nests, clan burrows, and incubation sacks. When a subject begins to dream in a LO-010 location, they are guaranteed to have a nightmare.
Calling entities aliens only really makes sense when you don't regularly interact with aliens everyday. I'd just cut that because it adds needless words. Additionally, the exact nature of the first contact is unnecessary. Again, just cut it. Standard SPAG fixes as well.
Discovery: The GRPC first became aware of LO-010 during the events of a first contact mission with the alien inhabitants of the Alfirk System to invite them into the GT. Through diplomatic talks, Rangers discovered that the Afirkianians had no cultural or phycological concept of a "positive dream." LO-010 events had also affected Additionally, the resting places of diplomats and Rangers in orbit around the planet were converted to LO-010 locations, had would not terminate until they departed.
Discovery: The GRPC first became aware of LO-010 during a first contact mission with the inhabitants of the Alfirk System. Through diplomatic talks, Rangers discovered that the Afirkianians had no cultural or phycological concept of a "positive dream." Additionally, the resting places of diplomats and Rangers in orbit around the planet were converted to LO-010 locations, would not terminate until they departed.
dimensional entities colloquially referred as "Parasomnoids".
Is that the right way to plural AGS? Idk. Minor SPAG, and changed the addendum name because idk why Discovery is formatted differently between the iterations.
Discovery: GRP-010 was made apparent to the GT when a Psy Corps member memetically intercepted a GRP-010 instance in GD-FRONT's dream. Simultaneously, the ALOS Radio Array reported a civil war breaking out across multiple Human AGSs in Nebula Sh2-136 and the fringes of Caldwell 4 Nebula.
Discovery: GRP-010 was made apparent to the GT when a Psy Corps member memetically intercepted a GRP-010 instance in GD-FRONT's dream. Simultaneously, the ALOS Radio Array reported a civil war breaking out across multiple Human AGSs in Nebula Sh2-136 and the fringes of Caldwell 4.
Dr. William Wilbury, who was a GRP-010-A instance at the time.
Such an egregious little error
Unfornetly,
The article feels somewhat short. I wouldn't say overly as it does enough to introduce the Parasomnoids, their goals, and how they act; but nonetheless I feel that the article by itself does not offer much. It is a good starting point for any future installations in Parasomnoid conflict and I suppose that may be all its meant to serve. For expanding the article, may I suggest the GRPC extracting Afirkianians and using them to try and trace the origins on the Parasomnoids. Coming to a singular, monolothic story which shows up in various forms across their religions. Describing the Parasomnoids' past and how they got here.
Additionally I must ask a few questions
The answers to these questions, particularly the first and second, could be used to make them seem further insidious. Leaders actively erasing the concept of happy dreams and thinking that people around you may be infecting your ship with mind controlling monsters would definitely breed paranoia and fear among their prey. Though the second could be relegated to its own article if wanted to go deep into it.
Overall, for now I'd give 3 or 4 stars. Not bad but not too notable.
