Asking for criticism for my first RPC. Thank you in advance.
Registered Phenomena Code: RPC-XXX No rest for the wicked
Remove the name. The name only goes on the main archive list and is not to be listed next to the code.
RPC XXX as to be contained within site ████, in a 10 by 10 meter sealed chamber with air tight door concealement. The room needs to be equipped with Nucorp heavy-duty air purifier devices running at maximum capacity at all times.
Run through a spell checker like google docs or Microsoft word to catch some of the basic errors.
How tall? We live in a three-dimensional space so we need to know how tall/wide/long the room needs to be, if it necessary we specify size. Not only that but you are also demanding the air remain pure. Why? What happens if the room overfills? Why does it need to be constantly pure? Are you aware that increases in difficulty the larger the room is, so we need to minimize size as much as possible? Leaving them on constantly also draws a lot of power, so why not just program them to maintain a certain level as opposed to constant use?
Specifying Nucorp brand is unnecessary. Its already implied in lore that Nucorp makes a lot of equipment for Authority facilities so just call it a "standard, heavy duty, air purifier". This way you don't just sound like you're namedropping a GOI for the sake of namedropping it.
Now, I understand this is all out of date procedures, but it's still important to consider the logistics of these as much as the new ones since these would have been in use at one point. As it stands, they seem overkill to exaggerate danger or seriousness.
In order to conceal RPC-XXX anomalous effects from the public, two sets of 6 meter-tall steel fences toppled with barbwire have been erected surrounding the area of proliferation that RPC-XXX provides. The first fence is a 3 kilometer radius from ''ground zero'' and is equipped with motion capture cameras and a motion detector security system. The site has 8 observatory towers and has to be guarded by at least 8 fully armed ASF officers at all times, 24 total with scheduled rotations. The second fence is located at 1 kilometer radius from RPC-XXX and is electrified.
So, there's little explanation in the rest of the article for this. What exactly is RPC-XXX doing to the public? How did it get this bad? Again, this is a lot of security. A simple wire fence, some signs warning that this is something like a chemical waste dumping ground, a patrolling team of ASF agents in hazmat gear, and some cameras darted around the place accomplishes the same thing. This is also a big area. Why so large? Just 1km covers enough of the area to deter most. You say the effects induce paranoia. So, let's put ourselves in the shoes of some rando. You are trespassing on private property, you feel like you're being watched, you're seeing visions of people following you, and there's signs telling you to leave. Most people won't power through that. The people that do are going to get grabbed and amnesticized by the ASF.
There is the issue of Malthusians, but the article gives little weight to their threat. Why do they want this? Why is the Authority so worried about them getting it? The article cites 1 incident where Malthus guys got their hands on some of the stuff, and the worst thing that happened was a drug that could easily be covered up as synthetically produced through nonanomalous means got released to hallucinogen junkies.
By-products of RPC-XXX, classified as RPC-XXX b, have to be retrieved weekly during the seasonal maturation which occurs, between the months of June until late September. Only level 2 security clearance personnel and above can be tasked for the retrieval and are given access to the high potency area of rpc xxx. Any personnel that venture into the inner core radius must be equipped with a retrofitted CM-6M Tactical Gas Mask, two oxygen tanks and MST issued hazmat suits. Every operation within 1 kilometer of RPC-XXX has to be supervised by 2 fully armed ASF officers.
Same issues. Why so extreme? Why so specific? Why these specifics? Why at all? Why June and September specifically. What about them makes them along harvest months? Why give them modified hazmat gear; is the usual stuff not enough? WHY?
Overall Conprocs Rating: Subpar.
Overly demanding, complicated, and inefficient. Also, would suggest upgrading to Gamma if containment is this difficult.
RPC-XXX resembles a male human corpse in advanced decomposition. RPC-XXX is 213 cm in length. Despite visual signs of dehydration, being afflicted by tense rigor mortis, the outside layer of tissues and bones is moist to the touch. A 9.5 cm long incision along both carotid arteries and jugular vein is visible on RPC-XXX neck and did not come with experiments done by the AET department. RPC-XXX garments are similar in fashion to early French settlers in North America and are also in constant humid conditions.
This is a good description. Passable at least. However, why the outfit? This is not touched anywhere else in the article. This is a notable trait that the Authority would no doubt investigate. Is there a reason to it? If not, then just cut it. The dude potentially being French holds no importance to the article and so has no real reason to be there.
RPC-XXX anomalous effects manifest by the emitting of long range, highly potent scent of lavandula angustifolia, commonly known as lavander.
Scent is not a good word here. While scent can be anomalous, the article as a whole seems to be implying that RPC-XXX is emitting an anomalous gas. Not a scent. If the scent were what was anomalous, then RPC-XXX would be emitting the same gases as a non-anomalous corpse, at which point it would not have the range the article says it does.
the inhalation of said scent will cause heavy hallucinogenics effects akin to manic skizophrenias episodes within any mammalians hosts. Reports have shown subjects tested to suffer from auditory hallucinations, morbid visual distortions, false sensations of pressure on epidermal tissues, an increasing sense of paranoia and a complete disconnect from perceptible reality. Extended expositions will lead to permanent residual psychological effects and cannot be medicated by lithium, thorazine, clorazil and others known anti-psychotics drugs.
Remove the first sentence and restructure the other two. Tone and specify how long.
Exposure to this gas, hereby dubbed RPC-XXX-a, exceeding 5 minutes produces the following symptoms in the exposed subject;
* Auditory hallucinations
* Visual Distortions
* Tactile hallucinations on epidermal tissues
* Paranoia
* DelusionsThese symptoms will worsen as exposure continues. Eventually reaching maximum intensity after 4 hours of exposure. After 6 hours, effects become permanent and cannot be medicated by any known substances.
Same basic info, more clinical, and much shorter.
The scent effects and potency are directly correlated to the distance in relation to RPC-XXX, 1.5 km being milder than 500 m. Samples gathered from RPC-XXX humid overlay reveal the molecular composition of the scent to be 87.27% Lavandulol and 12.73% isovaleric acid. Research to find the source of the anomalous effects is so far inconclusive.
I don't think chemistry works like that. I'm not a chemist, so don't quote me, but you can't just so thoroughly dilute acid and still have it do much of anything.
RPC-XXX others anomalous properties were discovered through multiple attempts of disposal and containment trials by the AET department. Those included blunt force, incineration, being submerged in sulfuric acid, encasement in casket, ice, concrete, steel, iron, proper religious burial and detainment at site ████. RPC-XXX is by all knowledge indestructible and will corrode any materials, liquids, that separate itself from an open air surface. The means by which RPC-XXX accomplishes this corrosion is yet to be determined. After damaging the structural integrity of site ████ roof, a decision was made by The Prolab to contain RPC-XXX at the original discovery point labelled as ''ground zero''.
Why are they trying to dispose of it? That's just not how the Authority rolls. They wouldn't do this unless there were good reason for it; which the article doesn't say there is. And why make it indestructible? There's lots of indestructible things across confic. In my opinion, just make it so it doesn't decay any further than it already has and we're still able to damage it; BUT if we do, it starts producing even more of the gas and the damaged area becomes a new source of hallucinations on effected subjects. That way, it's a bit more interesting. The Authority could destroy it, but it might start producing an exponential and ridiculous amount of its gas before its gone.
And that last bit about the corrosion of all materials is something I feel iffy about. It feels tacked on. Just seems there to make it seem bigger than it is. And the decision to just leave out in the open, like come on? You could move it to bumfuck nowhere Nevada where it'll be surrounded by a desert and there'll be less potential civilian interaction with the thing. Just, why leave it?
RPC-XXX-b are bright red fungi similar in appearance to hygrocybe coccinea and are growing within a 10 meter radius of RPC-XXX. RPC-XXX-b does not exhibit any scent but contains the same hallucinogenic properties as RPC-XXX upon any form of ingestion. Physical syndrome of ingestion of RPC-XXX-b is minor skin rash. Micro-dosing Studies on CSD's subjects are pending approval.
Just a tone adjustment for this one.
RPC-XXX-b is a bright red fungi similar in appearance to Hygrocybe Coccinea. Instances will grow in a 10 meter radius around RPC-XXX, regardless of conditions. Upon ingestion, they produce a rash on epidermal tissues and the same effects as prolonged exposure to RPC-XXX-a. CSD micro-dose testing is pending approval.
RPC XXX was found in ██████ forest, Quebec, Canada on July 17 20██ after a multitude of police reports regarding unusual hostile deer attacks and a group of missing hikers found dismembered, with the only survivor Luc ██████, aggressively assaulting a park ranger until being fataly shot by a 303 Lee-Enfield hunting rifle.
Run on sentence and why specify the gun used? Unnecessary detail. Just say he was shot and leave it at that.
As it stands, both Addendums are unnecessary. Malthusian involvement isn't really warranted and doesn't really go anywhere. The second one is equally pointless, but less so since it doesn't involve another org.
Overall Rating: 2/5 stars
The article is a bit all over the place, a lot of nothing happens, and the anomaly itself is unutilized. I feel the Church of Malthus wouldn't care about something like this since the Anomaly doesn't seem to contribute anything to their goals of expediting evolution or culling the population. But, hey, maybe the whole thing about violent schizo delusions is exactly why they want it. Could have them be using it to poison food and water supplies to try and drive-up murder rates. Build the story around them doing that, attempting to steal more, and even attempting to synthesize the chemicals.
Welcome to the site! Good on you for writing your first article. I don't substantively disagree with anything Bro Dude has said, and have some thoughts to add.
- The way this is written, RPC-XXX sometimes refers to the gas and sometimes to the corpse itself. I've call the gas XXX-A or something to that effect.
- I agree that the addenda do nothing on this one.
- This containment doesn't quite make sense; unless this thing is spontaneously manifesting aerosols in the air kilometers away from it, which it doesn't seem to do, couldn't you easily contain it by digging a 500-meter deep borehole, compacting the corpse a little, then throwing it down? If 'exposure to open air' is the main criteria and this anomaly is fundamentally an expanding gas, there are easier ways to contain it than huge lines of fences.
- If you're trying to hint at something with the corpse being a Habitant and the whole smell of lavender thing, I'm not getting it. If it's an important part of the story, build on it. If it's just set dressing, ditch it, it doesn't add anything.