Maehlya
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/big-mark-louisiana
Wrote this in two days I’m going insane help
Marco Marchi B. Mark
Maehlya
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» Maehlya
Summary:
A detective makes a discovery that shall torment him for the rest of his life.
(account deleted)The cold air had swept in to send one final wave to the sunny days of Summer, and the clear skies of the happiest of seasons.
One last wave of cold air had swept away the sunny days and clear skies of summer, the happiest of seasons.
The roads were filled by decadent leaves
…filled with decadent (?) leaves…
decadent leaves? what does that mean
Patrols had become the sweetest thing a detective could hope for with such a beautiful, mesmerising weather
The sweetest thing a detective could hope for in the mesmerising weather would be patrols…
weren't you just talking about how the weather was now cold and no longer happy? what is mesmerising/beautiful about it then
The case I was working one was the most terrific thing I had ever seen.
LOL MARK TERRIFIC DOES NOT MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS
i think you mean "terrifying" but even then this whole line should be cut. we dont need to be told that this is scary- it should be scary on its own.
I wish I had the words capable to describe what we had found, but the horror men like me lay their eyes on everyday should not escape anyone’s lips:
but then he goes on to describe the entire thing??? like he says "AUGH… I CANT POSSIBLY DESCRIBE IT… *describes it*…"
like the problem i see is show dont tell. you TELL us its scary, you TELL us its terrifying, you TELL us its beyond being described… but what are you showing?
there had been reports of a young lady named disappearing into nothingness
named what?
actually struggling to find comments to make for the rest of this section- very strong environmental imagery, but he does repeat "wish" a few times. you seem to get into your groove by the time he enters the house proper.
It was the only place that hadn’t been invaded by Morales’ perversions.
how so? like its not decorated? if that's the case then wouldnt the front porch also be "uninvaded"?
My eyes laid upon an improvised canoe stuck into the roots of one of the trees, and the overbearing feeling of curiosity had the best of me. I dropped down into the swamp, splashing into the still waters; I think I let out a laughter as I carried my body across the bayou, as all the images of horror became a blur for an instant. My momentary catharsis was brutally murdered ended the moment I had come about three feet away from the canoe.
this is really confusing to me. is the canoe in the swamp and he's walking over to it? i thought he got in the canoe and then started to move across the swamp
but it just seems like such a sudden transition. hes searching across this house and then he goes outside and suddenly all that stuff about augh im terrifyied… ive seen horrifying things… its awfulll im going crazy… and then he hops in the water (idk why) and hes just :3 hehe swampe
put something in between or give some more explanation for what happened there
like an animal’s appendage used to detect preys.
used to detect prey
from here on its pretty surreal… it seems pretty good but personally i think you can revise this better than i can by keeping what i said before in mind
good stuff, id give it 3-4 depending on how well this is implemented :)
also this guy appears as the detective from disco elysium in my mind
The case I was working on a case at that time.
Confused about this.
rigor mortis had them still holding each other’s hand, to complete the macabre image of horror.
Only the wind welcomed me, and Cristopher was probably his greatest companion, all he lacked were the words to tell me whether he was home or not. The old man probably preferred it that way.
There were enough puzzle pieces my mind could already piece out of what the contents of the tape were, and yet I still dared myself to see, hoping it would be useful.
The thought of being dead, in Hell or whatever other kind of damned afterlife, had crossed my mind more than once. But when my ears graced upon the gentle caress of a choir I began wondering what kind of Devil would ever make torture soothing with a song.
The closer I got, the more I wondered how tall those spires were;
As my mind tried to process what had just occurred, I comprehended just how vivid my experience was. I realised that everything that had occurred was real, all of it.
Overall, I enjoyed the story. The idea that the writer is the next victim in some kind of cycle — essentially turning into the next Cristopher — was a nice touch.
I found several cases of awkward wording and sentence structures, but it wasn't anything overt.
The imagery was well done in most cases, being reminiscent of that found in the story Dagon.
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