http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/buttercorpsezone#
I’d especially like critique on my interpretation of KK as an EoI, I know there’s a lot of vapor lore hanging around that.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/buttercorpsezone#
I’d especially like critique on my interpretation of KK as an EoI, I know there’s a lot of vapor lore hanging around that.
I’m writing all of this crit on fucking mobile. Kill me.
RPC-614 themselves vary in appearance, but outwardly resemble primarily female2 Japanese citizens, usually modified with several features reminiscent of Felis catus, or domesticated cat, such as a tail attached to the lower spine or ears on top of the head, both largely non-functional pardon limited unconscious muscle movements.
Maybe try
RPC-614 instances vary in appearance but outwardly resemble Japanese individuals, usually modified with several features reminiscent of *felis catus*[footnote here “otherwise known as the common domesticated cat”]. Examples include “tails” attached to the lower spine, enlarged cat-like “ears” growing upwards from the scalp, eyes modified with almost no iris and a long, vertical pupil to resemble those of felines. These modifications are largely non-functional; movement is limited and restricted to unconscious twitches.[maybe footnote saying that the people with modified eyes have really shitty eyesight] Instances are largely female, blah blah blah
The chest cavity of RPC-614 instances has been entirely removed and replaced with a complex series of mechanical and cybernetic components, and while some are direct replacements of the original organs, most are offensive in nature and designed to assault and destroy Authority personnel assigned to the containment of Kabushiki Kawaii and their activities.
Maybe try
The contents of the chest cavities of RPC-614 instances have been entirely removed and replaced with a complex series of mechanical and cybernetic components. While some are direct replacements of the original organs, most are offensive in nature and designed to assault and hinder[destroy just doesn’t feel right, also since there’s a new organization against KK you’re introducing, maybe specifying authority personnel isn’t necessariy] personnel assigned to the containment of Kabushiki Kawaii and their activities.
although some variations include bladed weapons or blunt instruments operated by mechanical limbs revealed once the entity reaches a "hostile" state to assault Authority personnel.
Maybe try
Some instances, however, contain concealed bladed or blunt instruments as well, revealed once the entity reached a “hostile” state.
A "hostile" state is activated once a small chip implanted in the victim's occipital lobe detects that the entity is within an Authority base, or that nearby Authority personnel suspect that the victim is an RPC-614 instance.
You might want to go into some specific technobabble because it’s a little flat I think
Also, how does Kk know when the thing has entered an authority base?
Maybe like
Said hostile state, controlled by a small chip implanted in the entity’s occipital lobe, activates when the entity enters an Authority base, or when suspicion arises that the victim is an RPC-614 instance.[maybe something about how we don’t know how this happens and that the fact that KK knows that the authority based location is really troubling]
and to halt and hinder the variety of black market sex trafficking rings in the region.
I’m not sure if this part is necessary it feels like reiteration of info given by the previous part of the sentence
The agency had limited funding, given that the only support came from the Japanese government and contributions from UNAAC, both of which were minor due to Kabushiki Kawaii keeping interference with Japan's day-to-day life minimal, and the presence of the Authority giving a false sense of security for the Japanese government.
There’s a grammar goof here where it sounds like you’re saying the Japanese government and the UNAAC are minor when you’re actually trying to say their contributions are minor
victims of Kabushiki Kawaii, some of which were rehabilitated RPC-614 instances, who would otherwise be unable to find employment due to their experiences or be transferr
I think maybe try “including” as opposed to “some of which”
unable to find employment due to their experiences or be transferred to Authority custody due to their extreme modification and/or anomalous nature.
Maybe try instead of unable to find employment like uh “unable to function in regular society due to long-lasting traumas” and it might be cool if you put it after the transference to authority custody
The unit was effective at preventing Kabushiki Kawaii from increasing in power in terms of both financial and political influence and was successful in intercepting several high-profile anomalies from Kabushiki Kawaii alongside rescuing victims from the group's experimentation and production lines, but due to the "元町 インシデント" (the Motomachi Incident) of January 2nd, 2001, the Paranormal Trafficking Surveillance Unit was almost entirely eliminated and the Japanese government was unable (or unwilling) to replace these devastating losses due to rising political pressures, and the agency was dissolved several days afterward.
Maybe try
The unit was effective at stemming the growth of Kabushiki Kawaii’s financial and political influence and was successful in intercepting several high-profile anomalies from alongside rescuing victims from the group's experimentation and production lines. However, due to the "元町 インシデント" ( Motomachi Incident) of January 2nd, 2001, the Paranormal Trafficking Surveillance Unit was almost entirely eliminated. The Japanese government was unable (or unwilling) to replace the devastating losses due to rising political pressures; the agency was dissolved several days afterward.
and tracked down due to
And tracked down probably isn’t neccesary
, and are included in this document for their relation to RPC-614's existence.
Maybe change to
A number of these individuals are listed below for their possible relation to the creation of RPC-614 instances.
one of which was [RPC-614]
I know you got a footnote but it could work better if you flipped it and had the motomachi whatever as the thing the documents used with a footnote saying “this is what they called 614
concept of RPC-614 date back to personal letters exchanged between CASE #18 and her gran
maybe try
concept dates back to [date], in a series of personal letters exchanged between CASE #18 and her gran
CASE #1 staff,
?? Not sure what that means shouldn’t it be a persons name with a bracket
While requests for her transfer into Japanese custody have been recognized by the USSR, they have not been fulfilled.
Since there’s clearly been updates for the present what’s the deal now? Maybe a footnote or a little bracket thing?
although when is uncertain.
When what? When he joined?
It is believed that Yamada is responsible for several, if not the majority of the extreme experiments produced by Kabushiki Kawaii, particularly RPC-614.
Add a comma
Due to an unforeseen prison incident following his intraosseous cannulation interrogation, Nakahara acquired an officer's sidearm and shot himself in the head several times, and the case was declared closed.
Maybe the last little part should be made into its ow n sentence
Kawaii activity in the region, with several facilities and labs being raided and neutralized by Kyu personnel.
“By kyu personnel” is not necessary
rict of the Naka Ward. After Kyu had received anonymous tips about the facility and after several weeks of continued observation, a raid on the building was authorized and launched.
Add a comma after facility but you might want to restructure the sentence completely it’s kind of a clunker
operations- and all 7 of those victims were RPC-614 instances, which at the time were unknown to the PTSU.
Make the part after the dash it’s own sentence
remaining 4 allotted
Add a “were”
sources, as well as facilitated their foothold beyond northern Japan.
No comma and replace as well with and
he third RPC-614 enter
Add “instance”
After both are seated, the camera records the a conversation between the two
Funny issue
now becoming visible as a yellow va
The “becoming” maybe isn’t necessary
base still intact and manned, with the third base that had received RPC-614 instances had failed to eliminate the hostile RPC-614 instances before they had killed most of their staff.
maybe try
base still intact and manned, as the third base that had received RPC-614 instances had failed to prevent its instance from killing the majority of its staff.
Afterward, the Motomachi base was cordoned off by Authority personnel and all RPC-614 instances were tracked and several were contained.
Holy run on Batman
The Japanese government had made concessions to the Authority to enable Protection agents to detain the entities, and the surviving Kyu members were either taken into Authority custody for questioning or laid off.
“Had” isn’t necessary here I think, and you should split this at the comma. Also does custody mean it was taken into the authority? Doesn’t feel like the right word. Maybe integrated? Idk
intact. The recording is believed to be intended for a visual demonstration of RPC-614's capabilities for investors and Kabushiki Kawaii personnel. A copy was found
Maybe do “believed to have been intended to be a visual demonstration”
A surgical theatre where a naked Kabushiki-modified Korean male lies on top of an operation table with multiple straps restrain
Maybe give a quick explanation to how he’s modified, even like “in the manner of 614” wild work
ain agencies who are proving counterintuitive
Counterintuitive really does not feel right here
efforts are growing increasingly resistant to more diplomatic and less violent methods of encouraging compliance.
Ping me about this line man I have no clue what it means
They bring a tray next to the surgical table,
“They”? Don’t we know Yamaha is a guy?
and retrieve a remote adjacent to the dish wired to the back of the SUBJECT's skull.
I cannot visualize this because you have told us nothing about how the guys modifications look
The SUBJECT is in pain.
Dang. That’s a stellar line
time believed that the remnants of PTSU presented an opportunity to the Authority, and after approaching the Japanese Government and the surviving members of Kyu, drafted the "異常な人身売買協定/Ijōna Jinshin Baibai Kyōtei" (Anomalous Trafficking Agreement) of February 22nd, 2001.
the first comma should split it into 2 different sentences I think
The organization was a more independent and autonomous member of Protection who inherited personnel, buildings, and assets from the defunct PTSU. While still answering to the Authority (more specifically, GD-ASIA), the MST had more agency in terms of how it handled various cases.
You should lead with the stuff about inheritance since that’s in the readers mind and then go into the autonomy. It’s also the weird topic sandwich thing you like to do where you go from subject A to subject B bad to A and it’s kind of disorienting. Also you reiterate the same info twice. So something like
Hotel-11 inherited a majority of the personnel, buildings, and assets of the defunct PTSU. While still answering to the Authority (more specifically, GD-ASIA), the MST has more agency in terms of how it handles various cases.
Could work
in, say, NORT
“Say” feels way to casual. “For instance” feels more fitting.
as UNAAC has insisted that handling the trafficking rings of Africa should be entrusted to UNAAC alone rather than a “distant Japanese strike force”.
Quick
as the UNAAC has insisted that handling the trafficking rings of Africa should be entrusted to it alone rather than a “distant Japanese strike force”.
(much to the chagrin of GD-ASIA)
Way too informal. Maybe do a footnote or something going like “a decision which has been heavily contested by GD-Asia” or the other Asiacom members or something
MST, but this controversy is abated thanks
Run in sentence and it just feels wrong like this. Maybe like, it’s been a controversial issue, period. However it’s allowed to function by the support of GD-Asia who says blah blah blah.
ASIA, as that it
Remove the that
goingbeyond
lel
goingbeyond the mission of the Authority as a whole- and there is further debate whether or not this increasing dependence is necessarily counterintuitive to the Authority’s goals. (link to RCPA)
AAAA STOP WITH THE DASHES JUST MAKE IT A NEW SENTENCE WHEN IT GOES TO A DIFFERENT SUBJECT AAAAAA
It's “autonomy” is not much gre
Should be “its”
ated by those for and against greater freedom in MSTs and other organs in the
“Freedom for MSTs”
Aight that’s the crit
My main concern is that there’s 2 very clearly different parts, one about the anomaly, the other about karasu. And it just feels somewhat disconnected. It’s cool and all, but it feels like you’re presenting us with 3 different things, that being karasu, the little cat guys, and the evil Japanese people, but there just isn’t a great unity I think. Maybe the pacing would be helped if Karasu was explained earlier, and briefer? Ping me if you want to talk more
I owe you crit..I think?
I'll start by outright saying you don't need that many hyperlinks! Sure, you can leave GD-Asia's one for context of the article to come, but no one really hyperlinks the OIRS!
For more information, please read the OIRS deletion policy.
This hyperlink is also unnecessary. It doesn't help that in-universe readers of this article will be linked to an off-universe page. It messes up with the pacing of the article by a lot.
Containment Protocols: In accordance with the 2001 異常な人身売買協定 Ijōna Jinshin Baibai Kyōtei (Anomalous Human Trafficking Agreement), containment and rehabilitation of RPC-614 instances is entirely under the jurisdiction of MST Hotel-11 "Karasu/カラス" across East Asia and Oceania, the specifics of which are not disclosed to any non-Karasu personnel.
I highly recommend going easy with the japanese characters. How many MST's do you know of whose names are on a foreign language? MST Hotel-11 (''Blackwater'') sounds just as good!
In the event that RPC-614 instances are encountered, immediately contact MST Hotel-11 is to be contacted for retrieval and containment. Do not approach or interact with confirmed RPC-614 instances without the authorization of MST Hotel-11 personnel.
Kind of weird that only a singular taskforce is allowed to contain this anomaly. I'm sure there is a lore/story-specific reason to, but it's not effective containment as you just have to wait on the anomalies to show and pray to God the MST in question is nearby. I suggest adding an additional preventive measure to ensure that, when spotted, the anomaly can be safely contained and retrieved even before said MST rolls up. (What, the story demands the MST to behave like an ambulance choosing between a white neighborhood and a black one?)
If one encounters a hostile RPC-614 in the field which cannot be avoided, refer to Section 4.3 of Kabushiki Kawaii Personnel/Entity Encounter Field Guide. the use of non-lethal weapons disabling of instances, usually by rendering them unconscious, is preferred in order to successfully incapacitate and/or neutralize their hostile state.
Section 4.3 of Kabushiki Kawaii of your encounter guide is never mentioned within the article. It adds nothing to the article, because it's information that can be easily assumed. (Kinda the same reason why we dont elaborate on standard humanoid containment cells, because you know what a person needs to be contained in addition to surpressing its anomalous propperties)
RPC-614 is a designation for a variety of humanoid constructs created and employed by Kabushiki Kawaii. a black market group of interest that produces humanoid anomalies across East Asia and the world, with several laboratories, facilities, and markets located in Japan.
Put it in a footnote, hyperlink it, or dismiss it all together. Could you imagine if every single Amazing Co! article had a brief summary of what Amazing Co! is?
[…] while some are direct replacements of the original organs, most the mayority are offensive in nature and lethal weapons designed to assault and destroy Authority personnel(FOOTNOTE: So far, RPC-614's weapons have only been utilized against Authority personnel). assigned to the containment of Kabushiki Kawaii and their activities.
Run on sentence at the end. And a minor footnote, that will shorten out a later paragraph
These weapons are usually chemical, designed to be dispensed from the mouth once the entity is brought into Authority custody, although some variations include bladed weapons or blunt instruments operated by mechanical limbs revealed once the entity reaches a "hostile" state to assault Authority personnel. The composition of these weapons varies on a case-by-case basis. They include, and are not limited to: [insert a small list of the weapons you can expect from an RPC-XXX instance and where they may protrude from]
Short, to the point, precision. You should strive for this, dont leave details hanging in the air
A "hostile" state is activated once a small chip implanted in the victim's occipital lobe detects that the entity is within an Authority base, or that nearby Authority personnel suspect that the victim is an RPC-614 instance. RPC-614's aggression towards Authority personnel is the product of a chemical reaction, originating from a small chip implanted on each instance's occipital lobe.
Or something like that, the better you structure your sentence the least run off it feels! Also, ''hostile state'' reeks of a flaw carried from SCP: rage state, berserk state, hostile state, all are poor use of terminology.
This is further complicated by the fact that Engaging an RPC-614 instance is a complicated task, as they RPC-614 instances are generally unaware of their circumstances of being an RPC-614 instance their brain implant, and are unable to control their behavior once in a hostile state it's been triggered. (FOOTNOTE: On some encounters, however, they have attempted to delay the chip's activation)
Sentence restructuring. Should run smoothly now
RPC-614 entities generally don't have memory of the past 3 days before their deployment being deployed in a public area [put this one in a footnote]->(usually nearby a police station or an area where assistance will be provided once the entity is located) removed, making information extraction difficult.
Another run on sentence, but a simple footnote can resolve it.
Once engaged, RPC-614's aggressive behavior cannot be stopped will not stop unless they are rendered unconscious or neutralized. (This goes best in a footnote:Due to their cybernetic enhancement and painkiller-producing glands, nonlethal neutralization is difficult, but not impossible.) Once unconscious, the chip in the victim's occipital lobe can be extracted, effectively neutralizing their hostile state aggressiveness and disabling Kabushiki control over their body.
This whole segment should've gone after you explained the reason for their aggression, as you willingly derailed this information and thus, messed up the pacing of it. Second, you never explicitly state they are being mind-controlled by Kabushiki, you just note a brain chip that is making them act angry with Authority personnel.
That whole Paranormal Trafficking Surveillance Unit
Good background history check with your brand new MST, but honestly? It should go better in a dedicated MST homepage rather than in the middle of your article, less so when the story is about to develop. You could reutilize it later, don't get me wrong! If you do so, I'll show ya what you can do to build up your MST without messing up your pacing
collapsible name: Recovered PTSU Case Reports Documented RPC-614 Reports
During Section 9's existence, Dozens of individuals were heavily monitored and tracked down by the PTSU (FOOTNOTE:Paranormal Trafficking Surveillance Unit, precursor to MST Hotel-11) due to their possible connection to and involvement with Kabushiki Kawaii and the anomalous human trafficking operations across Japan and East Asia. and are included in this document for their relation to RPC-614's existence. Several are still at large and are now under the jurisdiction of MST Hotel-11. included in this document for their relation to RPC-614's existence.
The rest needs a bit of formatting, a simple logo on the corner will suffice. You gotta make me interested in your new MST, what better way to do so than directly linking them to this PTSU of yours? (Consider the fact that it wont be addressed for a long time)
The ending
Nothing really happens, the story just cuts short after the previous video transcript. It's not addressed, it's just a thing that happened and that alone justifies the need for a new MST. Your story, both the one you're trying to sell, and the one of your anomaly, are incomplete. Hell, most articles leave it open ended, something like, say, ''Investigation on RPC-614 is still ongoing''.