Hello,
Mr Makor (or Red, as he is also known) wrote this article. He's off on a vacation though, and as such he can't access the site well enough to post it. He asked me to, and so i have. I would like to make clear that THIS IS NOT MY WORK, I am simply posting this article in his stead.
That being said, here's the tale:
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, YOU AINT HEARD NOTHIN YET
Point 1: The containment class, or lack thereof
The first thing I noticed when reading this article is that this article lacks a containment class. Part of the reason I love this website is that the containment classes help me understand what I'm getting into when reading the article. If the class for example was Omega-Black I can tell that this article is a big deal. For now however I am unsure just how dangerous this annomoly is. While it wouldnt be required to put the class in the beginning placing it somewhere would make the article more cohesive and understandable from a glance.
Point 2: The containment procedures
The containment procedures, in my opnion, lack a clinical tone. Some elements like the part where you designate XXX-1 would also be better off in the main description. My suggestion is to expand the containment procedures and maybe transplant some parts of it to the main description.
Point 3: Strange language
I think the lack of clinical language in the main description hurts the article a bit. A good example is how you describe a "gassy white world", instead you could say "a white colored astral body covered in a thick mist" or something like that to make it sound more serious.
Point 4: The inconsistent art
I don't understand why the art for each instance of XXX-1 uses different art styles. While each art individually is good they do feel inconsistent with one another. Either make each art peice the same style or remove them to not make them feel out of place.
Point 5: The article feels like a tale
As an end result of these strange design choices the RPC during some parts feels more like a tale about a space mission. Due to the lack of clinical tone and traditional containment procedures the article would be hard to identify as an RPC if I looked at it blindly. While the content of the article itself is good, the way you written it could cause confusion and debate onto why this article would be better off as a tale.
Alright, let's go. Note that the breaks I put between quote blocks are how I also recommend dividing your paragraphs (¶).
First thing I notice is that it jumps straight to conprocs? No info on class or anything… weird? Is that something you're planning on adding later?
Also, bold your Containment Protocols and your Description, please.
¶ GRP-XXX is to be contained according to the "Ethica Ordine Imperium" protocol, or EOI-XXX, as devised by GD-XENO and GD-FRONT to combat alien memetic hazards that could pose a threat to Mankind's cultural autonomy.
¶ Containment of GRP-XXX is no longer applicable possible for the next 8,610,000 hours As of when? I would put css over that to show that it's updated, like this maybe?? have elapsed. The Galactic Rangers (and/or their successor) must send dispatch as many military-grade space crafts to GRP-XXX as needed to stop the encroachment of every spacefaring species in the Galaxy idk what to replace this with yet but this doesnt work shrug emoji.
¶ Description: GRP-XXX is a planet with a mass of 12 24 kg What happened here? 12.24 kg? That seems wrong. and a volumetric mean radius of 4183.5km orbiting an O-Type star located in ███████ of the ████ star cluster.
¶ Before Experiment #1, GRPC researchers theorized that GRP-XXX was either a spherical portal to a parallel plane of reality or a hyperbolic gas giant. His His? proportions grew to gargantuan-sized as we approached. Sudden topic jump? GRP-XXX appears to be a gassy white world with no visible surface. Even detailed surface scanning technology can not puncture these clouds, where did the clinical tone go :sob: even though all evidence points toward the clouds consisting of water 94% H₂O 5% SO₂, and 1% mineral debris.
¶ In addition, attempts to fly down to the planet ended in failer failure. Theories of GRP-XXX being a gas giant were shot down when research probes were lost due to signal terminations at depths far exceeding the planet's depth 50x over. So you can fly down to the planet? Just not with people in it that aren't GRP-XXX-#?
¶ At SGT 456173hrs, 38min, 03sec, during the events of Experiment #1, GRP-XXX's clouds parted, allowing for a select few to land. These few permitted, or GRP-XXX-#, can land on the surface of GRP-XXX. While those chosen by GRP-XXX may differ, they will always share a glowing sigil somewhere on their body. This sigil will subconsciously feed information, including GRP-XXX's location, and advertise a single wish to whoever reaches it. Below is a list of those marked with the anomaly.
This first section is kind of messy. I'd rewrite it as so:
¶ Description: GRP-XXX is the 4th just making this up planet of the ███████ system, an O-type star located in the ████ star cluster. In the English language, it has been dubbed "Hesat" for the milky-white coloration of its thick atmosphere comprised mostly of water vapor.
¶ The planet was initially believed to be a hyperbolic gas giant, as no instrument was capable of locating a solid surface, which was caused by a spatial anomaly in the thermosphere of the planet, This I'm basing off of the "proportions growing as we approached" line but idk just testing preventing further exploration beyond the upper atmosphere of the world, as discovered by failed attempts at a manned landing. As could be discerned, prior to the events of Experiment #1, any object approaching GRP-XXX (exact distance cannot be determined due to the anomaly's nature) is unable to progress further regardless of speed or location.
¶ However, at SGT 456173hrs, GRP-XXX's dense atmosphere momentarily dissipated, allowing for a select few individuals (hereafter referred to as GRP-XXX-# instances) to land upon its surface.
¶ GRP-XXX-# instances vary in species, ethnicity, culture, and origin. However, all share a luminescent sigil located somewhere on their body, believed to be the origin of visual and auditory hallucinations informing GRP-XXX-# instances of the location and nature of the Hesat anomaly in their native language. Notably, the hallucinations often describe the possibility of a "wish" (or the closest cultural translation thereof) being granted by whoever reaches the planet.
¶ A list of GRP-XXX-# instances is provided below:
Comments:
I think the planet should have a name, not just a classification. I think "Hesat" would be a good name. White planet, milk god. Idk. Same with the star. Keep the cluster censored, but I think the star having a name would make some dialogue easier to write I guess. Like instead of repeating GRP-XXX you could say "The Hesat Anomaly" and stuff.
My rewrite was based on the wikipedia page for actual planets. Given the clinical tone here, I figured in terms of what's most relevant concerning the planet itself wikipedia would be a good resource. Look here:
Mars is the fourth planet from the Sun and the second-smallest planet in the Solar System, being larger than only Mercury. In the English language, Mars is named for the Roman god of war. Mars is a terrestrial planet with a thin atmosphere, and has a crust primarily composed of elements similar to Earth's crust, as well as a core made of iron and nickel. Mars has surface features such as impact craters, valleys, dunes, and polar ice caps. It has two small and irregularly shaped moons: Phobos and Deimos. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mars)
Just basic info. Obviously I didn't bother trying to fill out all of this data, but for your first paragraph of the description, I'd keep it much lighter than what you have right now.
immediate reaction: I don't DISLIKE ironclad's art, and I think it could be used, but when I first saw it i was really taken aback. It looks very out of place. I'm not sure if it should be removed but maybe move it from the table and keep it in like, the interviews or something as an aside? idk. or change the order so that jackson's image isn't the first thing you see when you open it and you can ease into it more idk…
also please bold and space out nvm each little header there makes it easier to parse methinks
#1
Jackson would be housed in the Hollywood Station Orpine Home for Child Actors until GD-Free shut it down for less than questionable legal practices
what… this sort of comes out of nowhere and never really comes up again..? like this comes across as just shock value b/c if youre going to introduce something THIS dark and just sort of gloss over it it seems like its just there for attention's sake idk… also why is a global director shutting down businesses? how is that his jurisdiction?
glossing over is a good word for other schtuff that happens in these dossiers. like its seemingly random details that dont really matter while not going over stuff that seems more relevant to the actual article. like i dont think you mention what they want to wish for in these dossiers which seems kind of important.
speaking of glossing over im gonna do the kymen stuff myself later ig…
#3
He was advised that this marking was a sign of a great evil from beyond and that while it may grant any wish, it would spell his doom. Ignoring this warning, Alganky set out to GRP-XXX in hopes he could make a wish. Alganky set out to find GRP-XXX regardless.
#5
Name: Sslig #7
Background: Sslig #9
:kubrick:
was a scout for the Slyth Technocracy who GRP-XXX chose.
chosen by GRP-XXX.
also, his name is a number that is different from his GRP classification… that may be annoying. I'd make them the same number maybe.
6
¶ Due to the exploratory nature of the Shiv Sect in Laknoctua society, it's believed this lone adventurous might have been a member. Some hypothesize that the Laknoctua was a member of the exploratory Shiv Sect, but this cannot be confirmed due to the erratic nature of the species' thinking process. However, this hypothesis may not be accurate due to the random nature of the RPC-XXX picking process. Still, it would be unlikely that Laknoctua would risk the capture or death of an inexperienced in the pursuit of knowledge. It is nonetheless unlikely a Laknoctua would risk capture or death in the pursuit of knowledge.
¶ While a lone Lakno ship was spotted leaving the planets 6hrs, 19min, 15sec after Experiment #1's end, high command Command denied permission to follow or intercept. clearance to intercept.
#8
lmao he died
#9
that is such a cute drawing
Once the Galactic Rangers informed them in orbit by the Galactic Rangers that only the chosen GRP-XXX-#'s those chosen by the Hesat anomaly could approach the planet, or they would be lost in its fog forever, fog? this isn't mentioned anywhere else bro… Slegwa who tf is slegwa began to act out replace this with anything else… distraught? disturbed?. Acting Captain Mr. Nemo of the Galactic Rangers was able to coherence her to leave coherence? also is slegwa the butler then? in exchange for an exclusive photograph with the Galactic Rangers and a personally drawn picture of her. this sounds kind of dumb… like she gives up the kid in exchange for a photo? maybe dont mention that in the dossier proper but bring it up later…
i fixed wit me own hands…
Wasn't expecting this to lean into more of a science fantasy direction, but it definitely works. You certainly accomplished what you set out to do here, I don't have have any conceptual complaints or suggestions.
The only issue I can see is that this article has A LOT of Cosmic Embers lore, so readers who haven't read Cosmic Randy or the alien index might feel overwhelmed. I don't think it's a big problem since you can kind of fill-in the gaps, but I already know a lot of information about the GRPC already, so maybe ask somebody who isn't as familiar with the lore if they have a hard time following the story.
Containment:
Description:
Addendum:
These are supposed to be bolded I think, unless that's not what the format is for GRPC articles.
GD-Xeno
"GD-XENO"
"Ethica Ordine Imperium" protocol or EOI-XXX
Is the Ethica Ordine Imperium an entity of interest (EoI) or is that just the acronym for protocols? It's confusing to have the same acronym for both.
to combat alien memetic hazards that could pose a threat to Mankind's cultural autonomy
This information does not seem relevant for the Containment Protocol section. I would just footnote this after EOI.
subject to strict surveillance
What kind of strict surveillance? Details.
Containment of GRP-XXX is no longer possible for the next 8,610,000 hours1 have elapsed. If this documentation has survived that long, The Galactic Rangers and/or their spiritual successor must send as many military-grade space crafts to GRP-XXX as possible to block the planet from any lifeform attempting a planetary landing.
Suggestion: "Containment of GRP-XXX will not be possible for the next 8,610,000 hours from this document's date of creation. Once this time period has elapsed, the Galactic Rangers and/or any successor organizations are to deploy as many military-grade space crafts to GRP-XXX as possible to prevent any lifeform from attempting a planetary landing."
O-Type star
Footnote what an O-Type star is.
Experiment #1
I think the nomenclature for GRPC experiments could be more sci-fi sounding than that.
GRP-XXX atmosphere
"GRP-XXX's atmosphere"
making a landing impossible.
"making any surface landings impossible."
clouds leading
"clouds, leading"
orbal
"orbital"
said clouds
"GRP-XXX's clouds"
mineral or element.
"minerals or elements."
However, at SGT 456173hrs, GRP-XXX's dense atmosphere momentarily dissipated, allowing for a select few individuals hereafter referred to as GRP-XXX-# instances to land upon its surface.
Suggestion: "The dense atmosphere surrounding GRP-XXX began dissipating at SGT 456173hrs, allowing a select few individuals to land on its surface hereafter referred to as GRP-XXX-# instances."
"GRP-XXX-# instances vary in species, ethnicity, culture, and origin. However, all GRP-XXX-#'s share a luminescent sigil somewhere on their body. "
Suggestion: "GRP-XXX-# instances vary in species, ethnicity, culture, and origin, however all instances share a luminescent sigil somewhere on their body."
This sigil is considered memetic and will feed a stream of subconscious information regarding the whereabouts of GRP-XXXs; notably, the possibility of a "wish" (or the closest cultural translation thereof) being granted by whoever reaches the planet.
Suggestion: "This memetic sigil provides a stream of subconscious information about the location of GRP-XXX, including the possibility of a wish (or the closest cultural translation thereof) to those who reach the planet."
is provided
"are provided"
Artistic rendition of Jackson ██████, drawn by Captain Nemo
Why can't they just get a photo or photorealistic picture of Jackson? This cartoonish artwork does stand out as tone-breaking.
Name:
Race:
Gender:
Age:
Background:
Bold text these.
Human (Caucasian)
Does the GRPC really still hold onto notions of 'races' within humanity?
Following the mass public outcry around the scandal, Jackson would finally be adopted by Mr. and Ms. ██████, where he'd work as an extra hand in an industrial plant
Suggestion: "Following the mass public outcry around the scandal, Jackson would eventually be adopted by Mr. and Ms. ██████, where he'd go on to work as an extra hand in an industrial facility"
Age: (9) EST Years
Age: (22) Kymen Years
Suggestion: Age: (9) EST Years, (22) Kymen Years
Background:
Bold text
the one who euthanizes cattle within an abattoir
Footnote
Before being turned in to the GRPC by her family, the elders of her town would order her to investigate but avoid the temptation of making any such wish.
I'm having a hard time understanding what this sentence is supposed to mean. Did the elders want her to go investigate the anomaly, but not make a wish, and then they turned her in afterwards? I don't get it.
Age: (122) EST Years
Age: (61) Zidophant Years
Age: (122) EST Years, (61) Zidophant Years
Background:
Missing line spacing.
Born to a wealthy family in the flat valley lands of his homeworld, Alganky lived a relatively everyday life as an apprentice accountant under his father until becoming the family's patriarch
"Having been raised in a wealthy family on his homeworld's flat valley lands, Alganky served as an apprentice accountant under his father before becoming the family's patriarch."
Unlike most Zidophant businessmen alive during the space boom, Alganky had never gone off-world. Not until he received a marking from GRP-XXX.
"Alganky had never travelled off-world, unlike most Zidophant businessmen during the Space Boom, until he had received a marking from GRP-XXX."
Alganky sought out advice from a priest employed by the family. He was advised that this marking was a sign of a great evil from beyond that while it granted any wish, it would spell his doom.
"Seeking out spiritual advice from a priest employed by the family, Alganky was advised that this marking was a sign of a great evil from beyond that, while it would grant any wish, it would spell his doom."
Age: (45) EST Years
Age: (18) Volx Years
Age: (45) EST Years, (18) Volx Years
Age: (18) Volx Years
Background:
Missing line spacing.
phycological
Did you mean "psychological" or "physiological"? Because "phycological" is the study of algae. I don't know if Volxadrakan's anatomy consists of algae or something, so I'm double checking.
standard school
Suggestion: "indoctrination school"
Age: (45) Slyth Years
Background:
Missing line spacing. You know you have to do this for the rest, so I'll just stop mentioning it.
anti-surface to space
"anti-surface-to-space"
in case something unfortunate happened.
"in the event of an emergency"
After some probing, the GRPC could ascertain the fate of Sslig and shed new light on the actual events that transpired during Experiment #1.
"GRPC was able to determine the fate of Sslig and shed new light on what actually happened during Experiment #1 after some investigation."
GRP-XXX-1 bumped into a Bakeneko Warrior who referred to themselves as Mochi.
The unnamed Captain of Necter #9 commented that they were a Bakeneko named Mochi,
Repetitive information
Despite being a clone of a human
Suggestion: "Despite being the genetic clone of a preexisting human being"
Photograph
Well it's clearly not a photograph.
Snee is a known eco-terrorist and radical even by their relatively xenophobic Septed brethren.
"As an eco-terrorist, Snee stands out even among their relatively xenophobic Septed brethren for their radical beliefs."
Given the rarity of Septeds, their known hatred for industrial life, and GRP-XXX's promises of a wish, one of them would appear unsurprising.
I'm not sure what this information is supposed to convey. One would assume due to the rarity of Septeds that an appearance on GRP-XXX would actually be very surprising. No pattern has been established that the intensity of one's wishes means they'll be more likely to appear there, at least the GRPC wouldn't know that yet.
Septed containment chamber
"Septed Containment Chamber"
Slow down their bud. Tell ya what, you answer a few questions, and how would you like to be a Galactic Ranger yourself for a couple of months?
"Slow down their bud. Tell ya what, if you answer a few questions, how would you like to be a Galactic Ranger yourself for a couple of months?"
having.
"having-"
That's the one
"Yes, that's the one"
Mr.
Wouldn't Dorthy call him by his rank?
EDIT: If this is Captain Nemo, she should say "Captain"
Oh, fantastic, case closed. Your sage wisdom is appreciated, but Humanity will sit this out.
Dialogue on the wrong side.
We are not magical, Mr. GD-FREEDOM Human, and if you deny my request again, I will fly my ship into your fucking habitation dome and end your miserable existence, you little shit!
Suggestion: "We are not magical, Mr. GD-FREEDOM Human, and if you deny my request again, I will fly my ship into your fucking habitation dome and end your species' miserable existence!
Cosmic Randy Clone
I don't know if the rules apply to GRPC like standard articles, but the nickname of an RPC entry is not supposed to be canon in-lore.
But it's not fair! This human child gets a picture drawn of himself and gets to explore an alien planet.
A very weird complaint. How does she know Jackson had a picture drawn of himself, or that he's been on the planet? Didn't she just arrive there?
Ranger scum, you have committed the gravest sin of merging your flesh with technology. The Brothers and Sisters of the soil, will purge your unnatural and vial presence from the Galaxy.
I would move this to the other side.
vial presence
"vile presence"
Experiment Logs:
Machines cannot be startled. Lacking as they are in nerves. An immature remark.
So are Jackson and the Kymen communicating through the robot? Because if I understand correctly, the Kymen's language has to be translated, so Jackson would probably hear a bunch of screeching at first before the computer translates.
stereotypical to American depictions
I really don't think this is necessary to include
POPS ran an optics reboot to confirm the appearance of a human outside a spacesuit was not some visual glitch.
What reason would the computer have had to do that? Would a human appearing there have been considered a visual glitch in any other circumstance?
Solid proof that this figure is a memetic hazard would come to light when GRPC Command would ask a Hopkin Ranger to view the footage and explain what he saw, only for the Hopkin to proclaim it was a copy of himself.
"Solid proof that this figure was a memetic hazard would come to light when GRPC Command asked a Hopkin Ranger to view the footage and explain what he saw, only for the Hopkin to proclaim it was a copy of himself."
A Volx!
Figures of your kind would show up here. Let me guess; the party wants you to wish for them to have ultimate power? I'm right, am I not!?
There's a missing line of dialogue here.
Barbarous wench!
Another missing line.
Is that so.
This dialogue bubble is in the wrong location.
Her war baned
"Her warband"
Cell is
"Cell, is"
Genocide
Lowercase
Alganky █████████ Alganky
Repeated name, unless that's also his first and last name.
After confronting his privately owned priest, details of his death were uncovered.
These two events seem completely unrelated.
Through psychic projection and analyzing the black box data inside POPS, which was stored in Jackson's suit, it was revealed that Alganky died shortly after the shooting via a self-inflicted gunshot.
Wait did he shoot the priest or something?
GRP-XXX-4 "C'thllahn █████" After Report
The dialogue bubbles mess up the text a little bit.
A wake for the passing of Cosmic Randy #3142 was just held; for his sacrifice in saving Captain Nemo and countless other aliens from the Soshi attack fleet.
Suggestion: "A wake was held for Cosmic Randy #3142, who gave up his life to save Captain Nemo and countless other aliens from the Soshi fleet."
terrorist knew
"terrorist, knew"
Well its seems it is time for my unceremonious return into critiquing articles. Lets do this my friend:
Grammar, Spelling, Syntax, and General Issues:
GRP-XXX
This isnt just the article, but a gripe I have of GRPC is the RPC-XXX mean Registered Phenomena Code XXX, so making it GRP makes little sense.
GRP-XXX was first classified as a minor anomaly by GRPC researchers before conducting Experiment XXX-1.
Leave this for the discovery logs, it seems needless for a description section.
hyperbolic
This does not mean what you think it means. It refers to exaggeration exclusively to language. Would not fit here. Unless you mean its gravitational field, in which case it works.
Artistic rendition of Jackson ██████, drawn by Captain Nemo
I mean… you could continue with that if you want? But I feel like this clashes with the tone of the article. The other depiction at least looks like its trying to describe a more detailed shape of an alien person.
Slow down their bud
Wrong their. There=area/state of being their=ownership they're=description of people
I'm not sure, but if I had to guess, give or take 336, 504 hours ago.
I get humanity is in space, but would people talk like that? There has to be a smaller unit of measurement.
…Yes, of course. Excuse the outburst. My… emotions slipped.
Such a radical change, is this intentionally a quirk of the species?
COMMENT ON GENERAL TRANSCRIPT LAYOUT
Whatever side you choose for the interviewer and for the interviewee, stick to it. Don't switch it around, its confusing.
Those reparations are acceptable. I approve.
What reparations are being referred to here? He didn't say anything but make a joke about her people beings scared
Don't fret, miss. We will protect you, as our sworn duty as Galactic Rangers.
You wrote this twice by accident.
We came all this way, so by golly, I'm going to talk to the holographic wizard.
Try "We came all this way, so by golly I'm going to talk to the holographic wizard!"
We are only child- juveniles.
Try "We are only childr- juveniles." or "We are only chil- juveniles." Make it clear what word they tried to stop themselves from saying
Take note, human- Did
What was the point of the dash?
Is that - is that true?
Put dash next to the t to better indicate the stutter.
I mean, yes,
Replace last comma with a period, better to end a sentence there.
Even if you do that thing with your gross pinky finger.
Would her species even have this saying?
Report #6
Make it clear this was from Jackson own account, afterall, how would we know about this?
Story:
I have to say a complaint I have on the article is how all over the place it can be with everything outside of reports. It feel like you are trying to establish 10,000 things 1 article. For 1, you never explain why so many factions sent children to the planet, whether that was a coincidence or not. And as for the tone you lack direction on what story you want this to be. Like I said before, in you establishing different things in this article your often bounce from serious, to childish, to grim, to deadly. There is nothing wrong with trying to balance tones in a story which often have scenes meant to become more intense as time goes on, but its more that you change tone immediately from one sentence to another in dialogue, causing tonal whiplash.
This is especially evident in the sketches you used for the article which range from looking like a kid drew them to a biologist drew them. I get the impression you had a lot of art that went unused dew to the death of the general Cosmic embers hub. A word advice is don't over play your hand, you can use those pieces of art later. Don't have sketches that clash between detailed and minimalist in the same article, the article is either a serious description or a casual write up.
As for the report section, it is really good save for some tonal clash from one dialogue to another, almost feeling as though there is an entire part of the conversation missing. If its meant to show how alien they are that's cool, but at least add a footnote for context.
Final Thoughts:
I recommend one last look through on the tonal outline of the article before posting as well as removing the art for the species and possibly saving those for later. As it stans now I would give it a 2/5 due to its very rocky start from the beginning but would give 3/5 or 4/5 following some correction on tone and correction on syntax and grammar issues. Hope to see the final project in time RED
Dreams. Each man longs to pursue his dream. Each man is tortured by this dream, but the dream gives meaning to his life. Even if the dream ruins his life, man cannot allow himself to leave it behind. In this world, is man ever able to possess anything more solid, than a dream?
~Kentaro Miura
(account deleted)