RPC-XXX "The Lamp"
RPC-XXX "The Lamp"
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» RPC-XXX "The Lamp"
Summary:
Any crit is greatly appreciated!
Okay… I'm not the crit… but you must make your article more notable a bit…
P. Tran
I’m not sure what you mean by that. I’ve posted it here in order to receive some crit so that I am able to improve my work.
Okay sorry.
P. Tran
Italics: My commentary
Quotes: Parts of the article I'm referencing
Plain text: Text fixes, grammar, better wording and stuff for the referenced text
Stuff:
[include component:rate]]
You missed a bracket at the start of the rating module
An image of RPC-XXX that was captured via a camera placed within its containment.
Word salad, imo you could simply just say "RPC-XXX" or "RPC-XXX inside its containment unit"
btw, not to say the image isn't good, because it's pretty good, but there should be some commentary about why it's a grainy black and white photo.
Containment Protocols:
RPC-XXX poses a possibe threat to the mental wellbeing of humans, it should be contained within a standard 5x5x5 metre cell behind two lockable doors which can only be opened by using two sepparate keycards.
RPC-XXX is an active psychological and visual threat to staff. It is to be contained within a 5m2 cell behind two lockable doors, only operable by their respective keycards.
A comment on the above: you should always try to use as few words as possible; that is the essence of the tone we use. You need to get information out clearly and quickly.
RPC-XXX should be surrounded by a bolted steel casing and placed upon a small podium. RPC-XXX's dematerializations and re-appearances are very predictable, this means that the object will always re-materialize in the exact area that it was at when it dematerialized.
RPC-XXX is to rest atop a small podium, surrounded by a bolted steel casing. Dematerialization and reappearances of the anomaly are both predictable and expected; the object will always return to the exact location of its disappearance.
Same as before, less is better. Try to avoid verbose things like "this means" or "very" unless you need them. If you can remove them, and it sounds the same, do it. Half-guesses and approximations are not fit of the tone; you should always try to use precise sentences.
Staff are not permitted to view RPC-XXX during its dematerialization period and it should not be touched unless tested first by research staff.
Staff are not to view RPC-XXX during dematerialization, nor are they to touch it unless previously authorized by assigned researchers.
Description:
RPC-XXX resembles a Victorian oil-lamp which is believed to have been manufactured between 1885 and 1906 from the ████████ Company.
RPC-XXX is a Victorian-styled lantern oil lamp believed to have been manufactured between 1885 and 1906 by the ████████ Company.
The handle of RPC-XXX is often significantly more damaged than the rest of the metal casing. The glass of the lamp appears to be cracked to an extensive degree. The object measures 30cm in height. Every 14 days RPC-XXX dematerializes from existance leaving very little trace behind.
RPC-XXX's handle is significantly more damaged than the rest of the metal casing, and the lamp chimney is extensively cracked. The lantern measures 30cm in height. Every 14 days, RPC-XXX will dematerialize from baseline reality, leaving behind a small circle of rust where it stood.
You should add how long it takes for it to go back, and what around what time does it vanish. Also, I added a part of the next paragraph at the end, because the "no trace behind" and "rust circle" conflict with each other. Also, "existence" and "reality" regarding the "here" is usually called "baseline reality" in lore.
Once the object dematerializes all that can be seen is a small round circle of rust from where the object once stood. RPC-XXX's flame has been observed to often light for around 30 seconds before the object dematerializes. It is believed that RPC-XXX has the ability to shift between universes and when it dematerializes it moves itself to another universe or time within the current universe that it is situated within.
RPC-XXX will flare up approximately 30s before dematerialization. It is theorized that RPC-XXX possessed the ability to warp into alternate realities, or time periods within its current one, when dematerializing. Further proof of this lies in widely-varying reality signatures present in the object.
Removed the first sentence because I moved it to the prior paragraph. Of note: in the way you're using them, realities and universes mean the same thing, so you should just stick with one, and since alternate realities are already part of the lore, I think that should be it. Added a bit of science-y terms that'd been used in other articles too, feel free to remove them if you don't like them.
Viewing RPC-XXX's flame poses a memetic risk to observers. Onlookers will be subjected to imagery from previously visited universes the lamp has traveled too, some of which, may be visually disturbing.
RPC-XXX's flame poses a memetic risk to observers. Onlookers will be subject to imagery from realities previously visited by the lamp, some of which may be graphically disturbing or visually hazardous.
I think it would be pretty cool if it was something like the flame causing them to see smoke-y visions/hallucinations of different realities all around them, that would be a really cool visual and fit into the whole lantern thingy.
Physical contact with the object is also dangerous if it is not first tested by research staff.
Dangerous how?
RPC-XXX's abilities have only been recorded to pose a threat to living creatures.
This is a bit redundant imo, since you, very clearly, would need to be alive to look at the flame with eyes of any sort.
RPC-XXX's abilities also do not have an effect through photographic or pictorial mediums, this means that photography or pieces of artwork depicting RPC-XXX does not trigger the effects of the object.
RPC-XXX's properties do not transfer to visual media. Photography or artwork depicting RPC-XXX will not trigger any anomalous effects.
Research Staff believe that these memetic images are the images of other universes and that RPC-XXX is a possible key to these other universes, it has even been proposed by Dr. ███████████ that this object could be one of many keys that link our universe to other universes.
Research personnel believe RPC-XXX the key for advancements in the field of Interdimensional Travel, as evidenced by depictions from its visual hazard matching already-catalog realities. It has been proposed by Dr. ███████████ that RPC-XXX could hold further importance as a pivotal element in the interconnection between realities.
These small proportion of the effects can cause long lasting post traumatic stress and sometimes even death.
I believe this sentence should be moved after the "visually disturbing" sentence, and then changed to:
While short-lived, these images can cause long-lasting psychological trauma and even psychogenic death from emotional shock.
Of note: psychogenic death is a term coined to what is usually known as "dying of fear."
RPC-XXX is capable of lethality but only if a subject is exposed to the harmful effects of RPC-XXX for an extended period of time.
I think this was already made clear and should be removed.
Discovery:
RPC-XXX was discovered by the Authority on the 8th July 1932 in London after members of the public had reported a possible break in to one of the abandoned properties within the London Borough of ██████.
RPC-XXX was discovered by the Authority in London, [City name or white boxes], July 8th, 1932, after locals reported of a possible break-in into one of the abandoned properties of the London Borough of ██████.
You should always try to narrow down locations, even if you add white boxes.
The object was discovered within a container of other non-anomalous antique items with connections to Victorian London. It was considered to be unsafe after some reported viewings of the flame caused members of the public to show 'outward displays of horror and fear'.
RPC-XXX was found inside a container alongside other non-anomalous antique items of Victorian style. The object was catalog as hazardous after reported viewing of the flame caused "outward displays of horror and fear" in the present individuals.
Addendum:
Further studies have shown that there may be an infinite number of possible RPC-XXX's due to the fact that the object has the ability to move through different universes. However it is not yet known if many instances of RPC-XXX exist or if only one singular instance is in existance across all universes.
Further studies have shown that there might exist an infinite number of RPC-XXXs due to their ability to move to and from various realities. However, it is equally possible that there many only exist a singular instance of RPC-XXX across all known realities.
Conclusion:
It was an interesting little article, with a nice idea to it. I think you should play more with the visuals of different realities and such, as I think that's the strong suite of the article. If I were to add something, it would maybe be descriptions of what looking at the flame causes to people, but that's just me.
Nicely put together. Pretty good for a first draft.
RPC-XXX's handle is significantly more damaged than the rest of the metal casing, and the lamp chimney is extensively cracked.
Nothing is said about the outer casing, so there's no point of reference to compare this to. The mention of the circle of rust implies that the casing must be very rusty but it's not stated as it should be.
RPC-XXX will flare up approximately 30s before dematerialization. It is theorized that RPC-XXX possessed the ability to warp into alternate realities, or time periods within its current one, when dematerializing. Further proof of this lies in widely-varying reality signatures present in the object.
dematerialization -> dematerializing
possessed -> possesses
I don't get if by "possessed" you're making a typo or you tried to explain that it used to have a property like this, but then it broke and now it travels inconsistently.
[…]warp into alternate realities, or time periods within its current one -> warp into alternate realities, or into alternate time periods within its current reality
What exactly do you mean by a reality signature? I'd suggest avoiding introducing mechanics like that where you could use other means, like analysis of traces of rare or nonexistent elements being in its surface. For instance, you could imply that it was somehow caked in an element that is unstable in our reality by having the Authority discover specific debris that would be produced by its decay.
When does it come back?
RPC-XXX's flame poses a memetic risk to observers.
"Memetic" implies capability to spread. Perhaps you mean that it is a cognitohazard? (Cognito: perception)
Onlookers will be subject to imagery from realities previously visited by the lamp, some of which may be graphically disturbing or visually hazardous. […] While short-lived, these images can cause long-lasting psychological trauma and even psychogenic death from emotional shock.
"Onlookers will be subject to visual hallucinations displaying content that may be graphically disturbing or physically hazardous, and is believed to be sourced from realities previously visited by the lamp."
Frankly I think the "kills you because madness" trope is a poor use of the idea of visiting alternate realities. You can get really creative with them without relying on the Lovecraft thing. It feels like the article is building up to something interesting and the lethal effects are a cop-out rather than a satisfying execution. You don't even need to restrict yourself to something like alternate history, you can go for some really surreal stuff like articles about the Anderson Coherency Scale tend to do.
Physical contact with the object is also dangerous if it is not first tested by research staff as coming into contact with the object also activates the memetic hazards.
This should be described earlier, at the "onlookers" part. Are blind people affected too?
Research personnel believe RPC-XXX the key for advancements in the field of Interdimensional Travel, as evidenced by depictions from its visual hazard matching already-catalog realities. It has been proposed by Dr. ███████████ that RPC-XXX could hold further importance as a pivotal element in the interconnection between realities.
catalog -> catalogued
This is an okay line but I'd like to know more about what the Authority is doing with the lamp. Feels like a weird thing to just mention and then throw away.
Addendum: Further studies have shown that there might exist an infinite number of RPC-XXXs due to their ability to move to and from various realities. However, it is equally possible that there may only exist a singular instance of RPC-XXX across all known realities.
That's another really interesting idea that doesn't go anywhere. How did they find this out? What exactly makes the theory dubious? What exactly are the implications of this? If there is only one instance, how does it survive being in universes that do not support the same laws of physics (in which regular matter from our universe would almost certainly disintegrate)?
All in all, this is alright for a first article but it has life for a loooot more than what it does right now. Don't feel forced to answer everything I ask, but do think of how you could expand the article to answer them and make it feel more complete.
One really good example of an article with a relatively simple concept taken to its absolute extreme is RPC-632. It's dense and far more detailed than would be reasonably expected from a first article, but it should give you some guidance on how to handle your ideas in a more satisfactory manner to the reader. Right now it feels as if you had some interesting ideas but didn't know exactly how to convey them to the reader except by directly telling them.
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