Illusion of Life
Illusion of Life
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» Illusion of Life
Summary:
tw: medical gaslighting, suggestion of mutilation, descriptions of distress
I liked the story, but some parts confused me.
wife of 2-2883 (Eliza Reese)
I don't get who is ''2-2883'', one of the characters in the story? I understood that the main characters aren't related in any way to Eliza Reese, so I would recommend that you refer to her as a single entity (she can be 2-288 or think of another number).
Besides this, the story is pretty interesting. It shows us how common this kind of stuff is in the Authority with the conversation the main characters have in the beginning. The story is pretty catchy, I really cannot say more than I really like it.
(Correct me if I was wrong in something)
VERY good catch- I said who 2-2883 was in an earlier draft but when I removed that section I forgot to put who he was elsewhere lol. Tyyyy
Crit Time
Agent [REDACTED] (Name expunged by personal request) entered the ward and quickly neutralized the instance ███ ██████ ████ ████, ███ ██████ █████ ████ ███ ██████ ██████ coat hanger.
Crit Note: I don’t understand why you have to redact this. I think it could work better if you gave a bit more detail on the neutralization.
Agent [REDACTED] received the Protection Distinguished Service Star…
Change to:
Agent [REDACTED] received the Protection Division’s Distinguished Star of Service…
“You forgot your contacts but remembered your glasses?”
Change to:
“You forgot your contacts, but remembered your glasses?”
“It’s not the medicine, sir, I-“ “None of that should concern you as of now, Mrs. Reese. You won’t have to stay here for very long.” “But my baby.”
Recommended Change:
“It’s not the medicine, sir, I-” said the woman, but was quickly interrupted. “None of that should concern you as of now, Mrs. Reese. You won’t have to stay here for very long.” Mrs. Reese replies, “But my baby?”
Author’s Comment: I love how casual the beginning is with the convo between the two doctors. The way the story ends is just lovely. 5/5.
Base crit
Phraseology and grammar
“Using it on your wife instead of some stranger is different, James.”
- This line confused me and made me take a couple of steps back. I thought at first he was going to use amnestics, which are mentioned at the start. I realized he was talking about using a lie or a similar method of lying to his wife. Use a different verb and clarify.
managed to raise herself against the wall
- She isn’t standing and holding against the wall, she is in a bed. Correct this.
Narrative
- The addendum at the beginning needs to have a better explanation of what you are talking about. People don’t want to read an entire article to get the context of the story. If the story cannot stand by itself, which it should, a short line or two detailing the context should be provided.
- No explanation is given or is obvious for the use of the type of amnestics specified.
The Authority in general is just impossible to be properly social in.
She hasn’t met many people from “the office” yet.
- If they already have a term for addressing the Authority in a non-conspicuous manner, why don’t they use it?
- Line of work is used repeatedly, but also interchangeably between working for the Authority in general and doing undercover work. Clarify and polish.
James wiggled a finger and pointed towards the door. “No worries, it’s all soundproofed. We’ve got tiny speakers all over the place in there to produce the exact hospital hallway ambience we need for a successful procedure.”
- This is confusing. Is he saying that there is no need to worry about his wife hearing them and the absence of regular hospital noise, or the hospital staff hearing them and whatever they will do? Because if it is the first, then why do they need speakers for ambiance since there is already staff in the hallway, for which they lowered their voices? And if its for the staff listening in on the conversation/operation in the room, why the hell would they listen in in the first place and how would that ambiance even work, even along the soundproofing?
Bewildered, she shook his hand, and despite how foggy everything seemed to be, somewhere in her mind she couldn’t recall a doctor ever entering with a handshake and no introduction.
- No description of the agent reaching out his hand to offer the handshake, and there was an introduction.
- The woman’s hair greying is associated with old age, which is associated with infertility. This makes the loss of the baby much less impactful than with a younger woman. The senile-like behavior (even if it is drug induced) doesn’t create the image of a woman in her middle age, but a dilapidated wreck. Locate the associations that can be made with an older women, and correct them.
Formatting
(coat? He forgot the term)
- Unnecessary use of brackets, not used again in the story.
Final thoughts
It’s not good and resembles more of a rough draft of a full story than an actual one.
There are no characters with an actual personality, as they all just stick to their role of their story. Two agents, differing only on a literal surface level in their physical appearance, and a drugged-up patient-victim. They do not stray from these tropes at all, and have no change, no depth and no nothing that builds up the story and sympathy.
The story itself is unbelievable as well – I am not that well versed in American public healthcare, but two people dressed as doctors appearing in a hospital (which I assume is the place this is happening due to the behavior of the two before entering the patient room), entering a pretty unstable and traumatized patient’s room, changing her IV and prescriptions, and then disappearing is something that just can’t happen without anyone noticing. If you want to show undercover work, you need to know how the places you are writing about function to believably present the infiltration.
The use of amnestics is also wildly inaccurate. In the same link you post and should have read, you can see that the G-2 amnestics they give her cause suicide, paranoia, delusions and madness in almost all tests. The woman wouldn’t be blinking confusedly around her, she would be screaming and bound to her bed. Not to mention they only influence the last three months, and not 9 months or even her entire adult life as the agents gaslight her into thinking she is completely infertile and that there never was a baby.
This is not an acceptable tale. It feels like it was written absent-mindedly and in a way that you forget what you were writing about between sitting down to work on it. It cheaply pulls on heart strings for the imagery of a dead/killed baby and a devastated mother, but it holds no actual substance, and I could even dare say effort.
Don’t start over, polish the entire thing, and expand on with concentration and focus.
/forum/t-14961124/illusion-of-life#post-
