Cold and Steel, Episode 4: We Didn't Light the Main Drive
Cold and Steel, Episode 4: We Didn't Light the Main Drive
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» Cold and Steel, Episode 4: We Didn't Light the Main Drive
Summary:
A music-themed episode of everyone's favorite AEDF slice of life Tale series.
harmonicas and an empty hydrazine tank apparently repurposed
To
harmonicas, and an empty hydrazine tank repurposed
Missing comma & needless extra wording
labelled "Jimmy".
To
labelled "Jimmy."
Proper period placement
The crew begin singing, to
To
The crew begins singing to
Proper grammar & needless comma
launch, with no audio. except the music.
To
launch, with no audio, except for the music.
Proper grammar
see the stars, your food
To
see the stars; your food
Improper comma placement
green things, diving
To
green things diving
Needless comma
flash on screen as they
To
flash on the screen as they
Proper grammar
Lichtgauer and Brown, in shirtsleeves, smile and wave as they pack a refrigerator cabinet full of bagged food stores. Jacobsen is seen from behind, manually tightening pipes in a cramped engineering space with a torqueless wrench.
To
First up are Lichtgauer and Brown, in their shirtsleeves, packing the refrigerator cabinet full of bagged foods, smiling and waving to the camera as they go about their task. Next is Jacobsen, filmed from behind, as they try to manually tighten pipes in a cramped space with a torqueless wrench.
This section comes off very descriptively stiff, consider adding verbs and contextual wording to add more flow into the sentence [examples above]
Exterior camera shot of the vessel's torch drive engaging. Jacobsen and Chaudhry string a banner reading "KEEP IT UP OL' SOLI" in the ship's lounge deck. Brown laughs at the camera as he puts the finishing touches on a flattened, somewhat asymmetrical-looking cake in the ship's galley. Cut to an embarrassed-looking Lichtgauer in a party hat. Someone has written "SOLI VIRGIN" in permanent marker on his forehead. A crew member reaches from off-frame and pats him on the back.
The same crit applies here as above, for example "embarrassed-looking Lichtgauer". Give more of an emotional/physical description, not just a statement.
Moon bots, Wellspring, FOMO and Nothing
To
Moon bots, Wellspring, FOMO, and Nothing
Missing comma
Wong, Liu and Dominguez
To
Wong, Liu and, Dominguez
Missing comma
Domingez turns the camera to point at himself and makes an "OK" sign with his free hand.
To
Domingez grabs the camera and spins it around, making an "OK" sign to his audience.
Refrazing of stilted descriptive wording
Still image of the ship's warm beverage machine.
To
Cut to a still image of the ship's (hot beverage dispenser) or (coffee machine).
Incomplete sentence & alternative nameing
that would usually read "Coffee".
To
that usually read "Coffee."
Proper grammar & Proper period placement
another bunk reads
To
another bunk reads,
Missing comma
always burning, since the world's
To
always burning since the world's
Needless comma (you can check the lyrics online if you don't believe me)
Oh boy! Here I go critting again!
Green text.
Protection/AEDF Public Database/Outreach Media/Cold and Steel/E04
This opening is just little bland. I like my over stylized DIVs.
THE FOLLOWING PROMOTIONAL MATERIAL IS CLASSIFIED LEVEL 1/CLEARED FOR ALL DIVISIONS.
I'd also say level 2. Just because the AEDF is kind of a big deal.
Montage of AEDF personnel at work; donning spacesuits, conducting experiments in laboratories in low-gravity,
I don't think low-gravity needs to be hyphenated. I could be wrong.
I'll be honest, I love this all. It exudes that level of fun dorkiness a promotional film like this would give off, and in all the best ways. Although, I think you need to find a way to better differentiate the text. Maybe make the song lyrics 120% size or something. Anything to stop the page from looking like a text wall.
Past Mars, see the stars; your food is made of yeast
This line feels awkward to read to the rhythm of the song. I can't tell exactly why but "you food is…" feels a bit too long. Also feels like "fleet" and "yeast" have different "e" sounds so they don't rhyme exactly.
(Disclaimer: I do not know how to or have ever composed music, ignore my comments if they're stupid.)
These earlier scenes could use a liiiiittle bit of description about the internal architecture of the ship. That's just a personal want though, might fuck with how the song's pacing has to feel.
trouble at the Worm Egg
Feels like this should be "Worm's Egg" to go with the rest of the verse.
NASA
How exactly are you supposed to read the acronym? Just like, "nasa"?
Join the fleet, ain't it neat? You'll get cancer in your feet!
Not a complaint but it's funny that this got into a propaganda reel for AEDF.
That's all, really fun and packed with character. Good stuff.
Thanks for the crit! I'll make some tweaks.
Some of the rhymes in this are super freakin' weird because the rhymes in the original song are too. We Didn't Star the Fire has a lot of verses where each line rhymes internally, or is full of alliteration, but doesn't actually rhyme with the other lines.
As for the NASA thing, it's fairly common in North American english to read "NASA" as a single word, pronounced "nasa" like you said.
And this series hasn't shied away from portraying the AEDF in a not wholly positive light- Episode 3 explicitly has an industrial accident happen as a result of a junior officer rushing a repair job against the advice of the repair crew.
Unfold
Re: Cold and Steel, Episode 4: We Didn't Light the Main Drive by 
Von Pincier, 20 Jun 2022 19:51
/forum/t-14881559/cold-and-steel-episode-4:we-didn-t-light-the-main-drive#post-