Report on Ectoplasm
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/a-report-on-ectoplasm-2
Ectoplasmic Crit plz
Report on Ectoplasm
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but are generally referred to as “Ectoplasm” by the larger paranormal community.
Bit of a nitpick but I think "generically" fits better. All carbon bonds aren't ectoplasm, but most people nonetheless call them all ectoplasm because it's easier and most don't care enough to split hairs. It's like calling all soft drinks cola.
but are generically referred to as “Ectoplasm” by the larger paranormal community.
The entity formed from an Ectoplasmic Apotheosis can generally be referred to as a “ghost” or “spirit”.
Is the word "ghost" being used as a scientific term here? From the article it appears they aren't certain that this stuff is literally what the spirit is. Such as this line:
researchers of the Prometheus Primogenitus and the Congregance hypothesize that the compound carries the “soul” or “spirit” of a subject to the afterlife.
The line would probably be best changed to say that titles such as "ghost" or "spirit" are colloquial and how they don't fit.
Laymen often refer to entities created by an Ectoplasmic Apotheosis as "ghosts" or "spirits". Such terms are not accurate since "ghosts" and "spirits" are often depicted to be literal manifestations of an entity's soul; a nature that, while possible for ectoplasmic entities, has little evidence at the time of writing this report.
RPC-███ (“Sarah Miller”) is a sapient semi-corporeal ectoplasmic entity that resembles the late Sarah T. Miller.
RPC-███ (“The Interstate Ghost”) is a mass of incorporeal matter composed of ectoplasm.
Remove the codenames1 since actual articles don't have them like this and the information they communicate can be ascertained from the descriptions.
Registered Phenomenon Code: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Object Class: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Hazard Types: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Containment Protocols: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Description: [DATA EXPUNGED]
[RPC document has been removed due to ordering of the Global Directorate.]
I feel this should be removed. The section is meant to be giving examples of spectral entities and its weird to have one of the spots where an example could be taken up by this over redacted bit. I guess it's supposed to show how important these entities can be, but as it stands it just seems a bit edgy, doesn't make much sense, and would be better off having nothing in its place.
Overall, I really like this. Great piece of worldbuilding that provides some mechanics to how ghosts work in RPC and does a believable bit of science for it. Honestly don't know what else I could critique since the thing is pretty well done overall in the history and Ekton to Ectoplasm sections. The tone in the example anomalies feels somewhat off but since they aren't the focus, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
Footnotes
1. I assume that's what they are.
atomic number of ███ and its defining symbol of Ek.
The alementals are the alchemical elements found in group ██ of the Authority Expanded Periodic Table.
Okay, question here, why would you redact an atomic number? Atomic numbers are on the Periodic Table (in lore), so they are public information, there's really no need to use a redaction here. I would assume this might be a minor case of author laziness, but come on, you can fix this!
carbon bonded compounds
carbon-bound would be the answer here, I presume.
This phenomenon is known as Mortem Condensation. Mortem Condensation will result in the following two results
Does it happen at the exact moment of death, or slightly thereafter? If the latter, it would be Post-Mortem condensation.
Mortem Condensation will result in the following two results
Well, if only one of them happens, it's not the following two results, right?
All the ectoplasm within a living creature disappears post condensation.
All #red|the## ectoplasm
While it is currently unknown where the resulting Ectoplasm location is post Ectoplasmic Disappearance
Erm, I cannot seem to understand this sentence. Perhaps you meant "While the location of the resulting Ectoplasm post Ectoplasmic Disappearance is unknown"?
Ectoplasmic Apotheosis is a rare phenomenon, but occurs most commonly among human beings
Now hold on, is it rare or is it commonly occurring? This sentence might confuse the inexperienced reader.
Feelings of great regret / Feelings of great loss
Are those the feelings of the survivors of the deceased? If so, you might wanna explicit that!
RPC-███ (“Sarah Miller”)
As Bro said, lose the nickname.
[RPC document has been removed due to ordering of the Global Directorate.]
Then don't include it…
I like this report, however if this is mimicking a scientifical publication, there should be no expression of opinion in the report itself (eg. there could be an addendum to it) as I've observed for example in the History section.
It will go over the history of the chemical and discoveries made involving it.
Ekton is a non-synthetic chemical element with the atomic number of ███ represented by symbol of Ek.
Ekton can be found in abundance throughout the universe but also created through alchemical processes.
Saying and/or here does not make any sense, since it implies that there is a possibility that Ekton is only found in the universe or only created through an alchemical process.
Ekton is a highly reactive element and an oxidizing agent. Ekton is capable of bonding with a wide variety of elements to form various anomalous compounds.
Those two sentences don't flow together nicely.
When Ekton bonds with an element, The resulting products/compounds will exhibit a form of semi-corporeality.
Define semi-corporeality.
Compounds containing Ekton appear to exhibit minor paranatural properties.
an alchemical reaction typically seen documented within the Chinese Alchemy of Waidan occurs
Define the Chinese Alchemy of Waidan.
There are many references to these entities found all over the world.
an on-location dig site which unearthed a Mesopotamian site of worship for the god Nergal
Fredrick Mann would dub the element “Ekton” after the Greek word ektos.
Define ektos.
the Authority is in a legal conflict with the United States over the ownership of the anomaly site.
RPC-███-A are corporeal entities composed of the surrounding ectoplasm that resemble a faceless infantrymen of the first continental army upon a horseback.
will demanifest.
I really like the chemical approach you took towards ectoplasm. The issue comes from the fact that most of the sentences in your article don't flow together nicely.
(account deleted)"Ekton can be found in abundance throughout the universe but also created through alchemical processes."
This could maybe shortened to "Ekton can be found abundantly throughout the universe and created through alchemical processes"
It might be a good idea to more explicitly mention how it chemically behaves like a near 1:1 to oxygen like how you described over discord if you're still going with that angle.
It also might be a good idea for the post-mortel condensation section to include some details about "ghosts" that incorporate the corpse like revenants. Maybe sometimes they're still "alive" but are by all means clinically dead. Apotheosis sounds like its exclusively for the creation of traditional ghosts post-death.
Were the nergal resurrection mechanisms successful in bringing back the dead? If not it might be better use "intended/hypothesized" rather than "used."
A question I have is: is there any relation to ekton and EMF/other tools used by ghost hunters? It isn't covered in the article but it is something I would like to know.
Overall: very good and I think the lore implications of this article would be fun to build off!
I really like the feel this article gives off; it reminds me of that SCP-early horror vibe that I really enjoy. There's some sections here and there that need some touch-ups but overall I am a fan of this document. It'll be helpful to writers and expand a part of the site lore that hasn't been explored a lot so far. Good luck!
The technical section at the top is pretty well done, it does what it needs to do. The only thing I could suggest is connecting these ectoplasmic entitles with modern ghost-hunting technology like EMP pumps, infrared cameras/electromagnetic spectrum scanners. It's pretty common to associate ghosts in some way with electricity/energy, and so I think that relationship is the only thing missing here.
The history section could use some more work too. You had mentioned wanting to add the Ghost Dimension to this article, and I think that would be the best place to mention it; however you want to explain its discovery is up to you. I think the best way is probably to connect it with the early history of humanity on "spirit journeys" or other paranormal phenomena like that. I think for sure you should mention more modern-occult rituals like seances somewhere since it just fits the theme perfectly.
The last two RPC sections just didn't work for me. Neither anomaly is really scary or interesting. I think the last one could work if you detail it a bit more. The idea of a haunted Revolutionary War/Civil War battlefield sounds really cool, but it just needs more of a twist to it. Like say, the drivers could get shot by ghost bullets from the battle crossfire, or their car totaled by a cannon blast.
Ectoplasm: A report on the history of Ectoplasm & Spirits
I would just capitalize the whole title: "Ectoplasm: A Report on the History of Ectoplasm & Spirits"
Ectoplasm: A report on the history of Ectoplasm & Spirits
Harrison Gomez, Allison Li, Noah Park, Samuel Smith
There's a big gap between these two lines.
12th of June, 2021
Would just also add: "Date: 12th of June, 2021"
The following document will give a summary of the element known as Ekton and the compound Ectoplasm. It will go over their histories and discoveries made involving it. Examples of entities composed of the substance known as ectoplasm will also be shown at the conclusion of the article.
This is fine I guess, but it does feel a bit dry.
but also created
"but it can also be created"
of elements
"of other elements"
The element is a highly reactive element and an oxidizing agent.
"In addition to being highly reactive, it is also an oxidizing agent."
Ekton exhibits an anomalous property once bonded with another element.
Compounds containing Ekton appear to exhibit minor paranatural properties.
Repetitive sentences, remove one or the other.
carbon-bound
Would it be "carbon-bonded"? That sounds better to my ears but that may not be scientifically accurate.
is one
"is therefore one"
On Earth, Ekton is most abundant in the form of carbon-bound compounds.
Ectoplasm is the most abundant form of a Carbon-Ekton Organic Compound found on Earth.
Repetitive sentences.
1.██ mol.
Why is only the decimal number redacted?
Ectoplasmic Apotheosis is a rare phenomenon, but occurs most commonly among human beings
"The occurrence of Ectoplasmic Apotheosis is rare, but it has been most frequently documented among human beings."
Such terms are not accurate since "ghosts" and "spirits" are often depicted to be literal manifestations of an entity's soul; a nature that, while possible for ectoplasmic entities, has little evidence at the time of writing this report.
Suggestion: "Such terms are not accurate since "ghosts" and "spirits" are often depicted to be the literal manifestations of an entity's soul; evidence suggests ectoplasmic entities are rather hypostatic in nature, with both a physical form and incorporeal consciousness."
Some tend to be mindless while others show signs of sapience and the ability to communicate with Authority personnel.
"While some show signs of sapience and are capable of communicating with Authority personnel, others appear to lack any form of sentience."
have been found
"have also been found"
There is no classification system for these types of entities at the moment.
"Currently, there is no classification system for these types of entities."
Containment and offensive measures against these entities may require different standards compared to Ectoplasmic Entities originating from Earth.
"There may be different standards for containment and offensive measures against these entities than for ectoplasmic entities that originate from Earth."
Some cultures describe these entities as passive and ephemeral, while others describe them as hostile and physical.
They have always been seen as something that is mysterious and ephemeral, sometimes dangerous;
Repetitive sentences
These two opening paragraphs pretty much say the same thing.
On the 4th of January, 1995, archeologists stationed at OL-Site-DS074 (“The Mesopotamian Ritual Site”), an on-location dig site which unearthed a Mesopotamian site of worship for the god Nergal, discovered a broken ritual site used to conjure spirits of the dead
"On the 4th of January, 1995, archeologists stationed at OL-Site-DS074 (“The Mesopotamian Ritual Site”), an excavation site which had unearthed a Mesopotamian place of worship for the god Nergal, discovered a broken ritual used to conjure spirits of the dead."
On the 4th of January, 1995,
On the 1st of February, 1894,
These paragraphs are out of order. Start with the earliest date first.
Mann alongside
"Mann, alongside"
Miller would
"Miller, would"
Ex-husband
"ex-husband"
spirit matter
"spirit-matter" looks better I think
They discovered how to turn the matter from an incorporeal state to a physical state using several alchemical techniques, but most importantly, they discovered the matter's chemical composition.
"In addition to discovering how to transform the matter from an incorporeal state to a physical state using several alchemical techniques, they also discovered its chemical composition."
Ectoplasm
Put quotation marks around "Ectoplasm" too like you did "Ekton"
Ekton based
"Ekton-based"
publizes
"publicize"
criticisms
"criticism"
Ekton based
"Ekton-based"
Concerns were raised alongside this theory, Viper C was supposedly an Earth-like planet with an almost identical chemical composition to Earth.
Expand upon this: "Concerns were raised alongside this theory due to the fact Viper C had been theorized to be an Earth-like planet, with an almost identical chemical composition to Earth"
Ekton based
"Ekton-based"
level
"Level"
Also I looked it up and elements do not need to be capitalized. So "Ekton" on its own should be lowercased to "ekton"
/forum/t-14713657/report-on-ectoplasm#post-