CE : Soviet Fleet Manifest
CE : Soviet Fleet Manifest
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» CE : Soviet Fleet Manifest
Summary:
fleet manifest for soviets ce hlelo red read this
I have a google doc waiting for the person who wrote this with a few minor changes. So hopefully the person who made this can message me on the discord to see that. As for the article overall: I like it. It conveys doctrine, their thriftiness, etc. However, my complaint is the same as with the GRPC manifest. It's too damn dry. Call me a dreamer, but I want some whacky shit. Right now, you just have good ideas. And that's good. I like how one ship was literally just a ship they put rocket boosters on and how another is literally the sea moths/sea trucks from Subnautica. There're good ideas for our authors here. But for it to stand as an article in itself I wanna hear about some crazy shit. Something whacky that'd fit the tone for super communists like we're in Red Alert.
I can't fault the author too much cause of the GRPC Fleet Manifest but still. Also, I understand it's easier said than done but maybe get some images. I think they'd go a long way. If I could also mention a few other things, my priority with lore is to emphasize the kinda hive break-away tactics the USSR has. Like, big ships that spawn little ships. Although I think it could be more emphasized here, I did see its inclusion somewhat.
Last nitpick, but Russians would use the martian calendar system for their years now. With no earth, we don't use the regular calendar anymore. its kinda split between factions. I'm not saying you can't include earth calander year, but you should def use the Martain Calander/Before Martian Calander. Year zero begins in 1984 (yes, really) and its rotation is about twice as long as earths, so use (year - 1984)/2 to find MC time.
Wording and Terminology Crit:*
“a class roughly the same in role as Fighter Jets”
If this document was written in modern day CE that would mean the concept of Fighter Jets has long since been outdated. May want to reword this to fit that.
“Gagarin willfully remains less advanced”
This could be reworded to flow a bit more smoothly. It could be reworded to something like “Gagarin remains outdated.”
“due to the fuel usage of acceleration in space”
This could be reworded to something like “due to acceleration in space requiring more fuel.”
Although that does beg the question of “Why does a vacuum require more fuel than the atmosphere?” Wouldn’t there being no resistance mean you could use less fuel to get to places?
“both “Fighter””
Might want to add an “a” in between these here. To match with the “and a “Interceptor””
“and a “Interceptor””
Should be “an” not just “a”
“ and fuel usage”
Could probably be deleted as that’s already implied with “shorter range”
“ on the sheer virtue of manufacturing ease”
Could be reworded to something like “based entirely on manufacturing ease.”
“Gagarin Lead Designer, [EXPUNGED].”
Why is his name expunged?? Just make some random russian name up, there’s no need to censor it.
“Hammer-T ype Gunboat”
Minor typo
“The variant often thought of when the Hammer-T ype Gunboat is the Hammer-Type/Lance,”
Why is this to most thought of variant when later you describe Hammer-Type/Lance “few and far between”? Shouldn’t the most common variant be the most thought of?
“of punching outside of its weight class”
This isn’t very clinical, you could reword this as “of engaging larger and better armed ships”
“Its previously noted efficient”
Delete “previously noted” helps improve flow and its inclusion can make the sentence confusing.
“fast repair,”
May want to add an S to the end of repair.
“though later repurposed for military roles”
Could be instead “Though it was later repurposed…”
“The Bulk of the Soviet Navy, due to their ease of manufacture and its lack of resource intensity, the Type Hurricane is the most common Soviet Warship seen”
This sentence needs to be reworded heavily, it flows awkwardly and repeats the message of the sentence twice.
“though tightly compact”
This can be reworded to flow smoother, or maybe deleted. I can’t really figure out a way to make it flow smoother right at this moment. Maybe make it something like “though this takes up a large section of space within the ship.”
“Bottom, Top, Left, Right”
These aren’t ship terms, It would be “Stern, Bow, Portside, Starboard” Although Stern and Bow are back and front respectively. Maybe for bottom you would instead use “keel”.
“being the simplest”
Could be reworded to “due to its simplicity”
“the doctrine of utilizing cheap”
Could be reworded as “a doctrine characterized by the utilization of cheap”
“to fully”
Delete “fully”
““Red Flood” Doctrine is also used due to its relative lack of resource intensity compared to other doctrine.”
“We use this doctrine to throw things at the enemy until it completely overwhelms them. This is the most resource efficient doctrine we have come up with.” bro what. Either rework this sentence or delete it.
“Hurricane Class Chief Engineer, [EXPUNGED]”
Why is his name expunged? Why is his name such sensitive information to require an expungement?
“Being the first”
Either rework this part of the sentence or delete it, as is, it interrupts the flow of the sentence.
“the simple need”
Could be reworded to “the purpose”
“troubled in itself”
Delete “in itself”
“Offset”
Replace with “faced”
“Sickle-Type’s service, while not loved, it was generally accepted as a tolerable warship”
Could be reworded to “Sickle-Type’s service; it was not held in high regard. Despite this, it was accepted as a reliable warship.”
“Later during service, it was eventually believed to be sub-par, and now being rendered utterly useless”
Could be reworded to something like “As time went on, the destroyer became increasingly outdated. In the modern era it has been rendered virtually useless.”
“energy usage efficiency”
Delete ‘efficiency’
“to as one of the reasons the Sickle-Type is an obsolete ship”
Could be reworded to something like “to as a clear example as to the obsolescence of the Sickle-Type Warship”
“Soviet [EXPUNGED] Fleet’s”
What is even expunged here? Why is it expunged? You could remove the expungement and the sentence still works.
“the SSR Grand”
I thought it was “USSR”?
“ in the grand scheme it’s miniscule”
Could be reworded to something like “overall has little effect on the USSR”
“been considerable accounts”
Delete “considerable”
“than most ships”
Reword to “than what would be standard for a warship of its size”
“Type-Lenin/Assault”
Why did the words “type” and “Lenin” switch places?
“the low amounts of weaponry”
Could be reworded to “the lack of armaments”
Overall Crit:
The soviet fleet is an interesting topic. It is important to note the weapons at the soviet’s disposal to write stories about them. The main thing holding the article back is clunky wording and a strange attraction to certain phrases. It also has some weird contradictions such as the Red Flood doctrine, a doctrine which just throws as many ships as possible at an enemy, commended for its resource efficiency. I’m okay with the Soviets throwing as many ships as possible, but even the soviets acknowledged that the human wave tactics employed weren’t resource efficient.
The grammar needs a lot of brushing up. Some weird tangential language and extraneous wording clog up the flow of the article. It’s all spelled right as far as I can see which is nice. This article could definitely benefit with some images to really display the ships and what they look like.
Overall, it needs a lot of work, but it can be a pretty good article. It won’t be one everyone will trip over themselves trying to read but it could be a pretty solid tool to use in order to write soviet stories in CE. Although it does have a very similar problem that the GRPC flight manifest suffered from. It’s drier than hardtack. It’s exactly what it says on the tin, it’s a fleet manifest, but there’s nothing to hook the reader in.
As one final note, when are we gonna play Ready Or Not again?
First off, I would recommend more variety in the openings. Starting out every paragraph with the subject gets grating very quickly. The most obvious example of this is the fact that the first 3 paragraphs start off with the same exact words, verbatim: "The F/I-2 Gagarin is". Exercise more variety in your sentence construction. Avoid repeating yourself.
This crit will deal mainly with that particular issue: sentence construction. To that end, I will provide examples in which your prose could be improved. On the subject matter itself, I unfortunately cannot make much comment - I am not the world's most avid science fiction reader, and as such am entirely unacquainted with the proper application of pseudoscientific jargon. It is my hope, nonetheless, that my insights may be of some use.
"Interceptor Mode allows greater speed, maneuverability, although handicapped by its shorter range."
change to
"Interceptor Mode allows greater speed and maneuverability, although it is handicapped by a shorter range."
"It was accepted into service a full two years after creation, due to prolonged testing. It narrowly beat out its competitor, based on ease of manufacturing."
change to
"Prolonged testing led to significant delay, and it was accepted into service two full years after its inception. It narrowly beat out its competitor, owing primarily to its ease of manufacture."
"Despite the many negative thoughts of the Sickle-Type Destroyer, it used to be a well-regarded ship, only now facing mass disdain due to its age."
change to
"Sordid reputation notwithstanding, the Sickle-Type Destroyer was once a well-regarded ship. It only now faces mass disdain due to extended age."
"The main complaint is the amount of Sickle-Type Destroyers already manufactured, and the lack of any replacement. The complaints have been proven dubious at best."
change to
"The rationale supporting this decision consists chiefly in the large multitude of Destroyers already manufactured, rendering any attempt at replacement inconvenient in void of a suitable alternative. The latter claim is, however, dubious."
"A complete refitting of the Sickle-Type Fleet has been suggested multiple times, although have been refused, with the upgrades being deemed too minor to pay for the price."
change to
"Plans for a complete refitting of the Sickle-Type fleet have on multiple occasions been proposed, but summarily dismissed on the grounds that potential improvements did not warrant the cost."
"An incident involving the Sickle-Type is often referred to as a clear example displaying the obsolesce of the ship."
You spelled "obsolescence" wrong. Also, consider changing the wording to this:
"A poignant example of the Sickle-Type's obsolescence and general inefficiency was an incident which occurred during the Sol Wars."
"The Lenin-Type has a modest armament, having less weapons than what would be standard for a warship of its size, but has substantial armor strength."
The number of "have"s in this exerpt is egregious. Consider changing it to this:
"The Lenin-Type is in possession of a modest armament, holding less weapons than is standard for a warship of its stature. This deficiency is amply compensated for, however, by an exceptionally durable hull."
Developmentally challenged as you may be, little guy, jyou will become a writer before Ironclad does. That I guarantee.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, YOU AINT HEARD NOTHIN YET
/forum/t-14647582/ce:soviet-fleet-manifest#post-
