Introducing… my very first article!
As such, I'll definitely need some help with formatting.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, YOU AINT HEARD NOTHIN YET
Introducing… my very first article!
As such, I'll definitely need some help with formatting.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, YOU AINT HEARD NOTHIN YET
Maybe you should use “RPC-691” instead “Rpc 691” as the title.
I love everything.
RPC-691 is an anomalous video which manifests itself on the Internet, specifically on websites whose users exhibit sexual behavior. Content of the footage varies depending on the particular proclivities of the watcher.
"is an anomalous X" is kinda redundant. If it weren't anomalous, it wouldn't be an RPC.
"RPC-691 is an anomalous video file distributed throughout Internet websites, specifically those that host pornographic content or whose users engage in online sexual activities. Its contents vary depending on the particular proclivities of the watcher."
I'd specify the format (i.e. mp4) or that the format may vary.
RPC-691 follows a format of what can be termed ‘affirmations’ - phrases like “You are chubby” or “You are beautiful” - accompanied by a cacophony of droning synthetic noises.
"RPC-691 follows a format of continued affirmations directed toward the watcher — for instance, "you are chubby" or "you are beautiful" — accompanied by a cacophony of droning synthetic noises."
The video incurs a number of physiological changes on those who view or listen to it. Primarily noticeable are superficial changes to the body structure of the individual which mirror the form desired initially by the subject, who is at this point designated RPC-691-A.
"Repeated watchers and listeners incur a number of nonspecific physiological changes. Superficial mutations to the body structure of the affected individual are most noticeable, mirroring the physical form desired by them. Subjects are at this point designated RPC-691-A."
There's some missing context here. This paragraph implies that every/most watcher(s) necessarily must desire some sort of physical transformation, which isn't necessarily true. I'd specify:
This is accompanied by a conversion of muscle to skin tissue
Muscle in what areas? If this was all areas, we'd immediately notice it in the tongue and eyes, plus very quick heart failure.
RPC-691-A will suffer sweating, convulsions, irritability, and other symptoms of severe withdrawal.
IIRC these are specifically symptoms of substance withdrawal, which doesn't necessarily make the article not make sense, but you should address this. Either by just mentioning this relationship or describing what mechanism makes this happen.
Granted I'm not an addiction expert so I am probably wrong.
After the condition progresses sufficiently RPC-691-A experiences an overwhelming urge to travel to a specific location, to which it is guided via Internet messaging from emissaries of Kabushiki Kawaii.
"During the final stages of RPC-691-A, addiction progresses into an overwhelming necessity to travel to a specific location. The points in question are shared across instances originating from identical or proximate social circles, likely as a result of viewing identical versions of RPC-691." (<- suggestion based on what I think is missing but implied to be intended to be said)
Direct guidance being provided in all cases is kind of outlandish, especially when this is an internet phenomenon (or at least so I've understood). It's weird to believe that they'd herd every single outbreak instead of like, coding some form of suggestion into the video (in theme with the hypnosis lol) so that these instances could be influenced to move to a convenient location instead. It would also explain how the "specific location" is selected.
What transpires upon arrival is unknown, but the result is the fusion and subsequent death of multiple RPC-691-A instances. Forensics of brain material from the congealed mass of bodies (RPC-691-B) shows that there was still significant neural activity long after its apparent expiration.
"An anomalous event is understood to occur upon arrival, but it has as of yet gone unobserved. Its end result is the congealment of RPC-691-A instances into a singular mass of bodies, designated RPC-691-B, followed by eventual death. Recovered masses of cerebral tissue demonstrate significant neural activity long after expiration of other bodily systems."
Properties identified included “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” and “My Life As a Teenage Robot”.
I'd remove these. The message is clear enough without specifically mentioning them.
being kept from the air only by a thin layer of taut skin.
from the air -> from exposure
Despite this, some supporters of the proposal hold that those who would watch RPC-691 brought their fate upon themselves through sexual immorality. It is in serious question, however, whether anyone deserves the fate suffered by those afflicted by RPC-691.
I'd rephrase this:
"Some supporters of the proposal have posited, having recovered and been exposed to substantial illegal materials from the personal devices of affected subjects, that expiration as a result of RPC-691 is neither apparently painful or undeserved. Such ethical matters are currently under consideration. It is not known if coalescence into RPC-691-B is painless or otherwise."
It's basically the same thing but appropriate for a clinical document.
Remember to bold the bracketed sentences in the log, and remove spaces before ":"s.
Or be torn apart by another “thing that kills?”
Not a fan of this line. It doesn't make much sense in-universe, only if you have community context.
You want the big ones for the glory don’t you? If you don’t remember, no one knows a thing about us. We operate in the shadows, [EXPLETIVE]. No one will know what you did, or remember you. And if you die, no one cares either. There is no glory here.
This is heavy handed exposition in the same vein as "AS YOU ALL KNOW, PROJECT SNORPA IS PROGRESSING SMOOTHLY". I'd rephrase:
"You want the big ones for the glory, don't you? No one's even gonna remember if you get your spine torn out playing Silvester Stallone. Stupid kids get locked in wheelchairs fighting dragons, and we get to keep our legs."
(feel free to redo this, probs not good)
You really don't need to censor the expletives by the way. It's not really funny or necessary.
Operative [[]] makes
missing name
Sgt. Clark : Holy [EXPLETIVE]. Is that My Little Pony?
Op. Greene : In this world, there are many accursed things. But this has surpassed all of them.
Not very funny line from Greene. Not very fitting from a soldier character either.
Sgt. Clark : We have decontamination showers. It’s not going to kill you.
Something like "I'll get you a decon shower. It'll clean the shit off your pants too." might be better.
Do get someone else to read this though. I have a tendency to make awkward dialogue.
I got this covered myself. It’s an order. You’re getting annoying.
That's needlessly cruel to a new guy. Legit.
It's surprisingly good for a first article, but it needs a little more.
The placing of the first log is actually pretty nice. If it were placed below the main article, it'd just be repeating shit we already know, while the way it is it's introducing us to concepts that'll get explained later. Props for that.
I'm not a fan of the KK connection. It might be better left as an implication or a hypothesis of origin, because this really doesn't make much sense as a KK product. They're supposed to be a human trafficking organization, but they don't really seem to gain any profit (or anything at all) from the anomaly.
The addendum is also pretty redundant. It's all stuff we read on the Discovery log, plus some dialogue. The discovery log has a better description of the same things that are in the log anyway.
I also feel like this anomaly could use some kind of implied purpose or final goal. Maybe to connect with KK or otherwise, but generally just something to really tie it together.
"Its contents vary depending on the particular proclivities of the watcher."
could you elaborate? does the same video show different content based on the viewer or are different videos made available to different people?
"and further analysis reveals it is in fact a heavily edited picture of a bucket of bile."
How do they know it's a bucket of bile? I would recommend using a more generic term for the same thing.
"Repeated watchers and listeners incur a number of nonspecific physiological changes."
of the same video or of similar videos?
"DISCOVER LOG"
Discovery Log would sound better
"Sgt. Clark and Operative Green"
I'd recommend making the ranks more consistent.
“fallout"
A more clinical term could be better here.
I'm not too sure what else I could say, it honestly looks fine to me otherwise, interesting read!
Thank you both. I've implemented most of Almar's crit, and will be doing the same for Leaf's shortly.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, YOU AINT HEARD NOTHIN YET