http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/ball-2 It is in the tab with the corresponding name.
hii
I really like the image. It's a little goofy but the lack of obnoxious camera effects and its simplicity make it really stick out. Did you make it?
no less than 5 meters across
This is a weird way to phrase the size of the room, but it works. I would look at the conprocs of other similar RPCs to get a better idea of how you would say this. I prefer 5 meters across to 5x5x5 though, so whatever.
RPC-XXX's containment chamber is not to be entered except for routine maintenance. In the case of significant damage to the containment chamber, emergency maintenance is authorized.
You tend to make things more complicated than they need to be. Clinical tone is first and foremost practical, so you don't need to break up every sentence. Here:
"RPC-XXX's containment chamber is not to be entered except for routine maintenance or in the event of an emergency."
Note how I say "in the event of" and not "in the case of."
Maintenance teams entering RPC-XXX's containment chamber should not consist of more than 2 individuals at a time. During Maintenance, RPC-XXX should be led into the duplicate chamber and subsequently locked inside for the duration of the maintenance. The maintenance team should not stand still in any position perpendicular to RPC-XXX's position while leading it into the duplicate chamber. After maintenance is complete, the door to the duplicate chamber is to be opened until RPC-XXX returns to the primary chamber.
This is a very good example of how you overcomplicate things. This is excessive when it could be narrowed down to only a few sentences, not to mention repetition given how many times you say "maintenance."
"No more than 2 maintenance personnel may enter containment at a time, during which RPC-XXX will be removed to the adjacent chamber. As RPC-XXX is being moved, no personnel may stand perpendicular to the object. Once maintenance is complete, the door between the containment chamber and its duplicate must be left open until RPC-XXX returns to its original position."
This is still wordy, but a bit easier to parse imo
RPC-XXX is a shungite obelisk standing at exactly 2 meters tall and weighing approximately 2500 kg. The interior of RPC-XXX is composed of black marble and gold. A red light with no apparent source is visible near the base of RPC-XXX's tip, and is capable of rotating around RPC-XXX. RPC-XXX emits a constant rhythmic "humming" sound with no known source, though the sound does not seem to have any anomalous effects itself nor does it appear to contain any meaning. A recording of the sound has been attached below.
cmoooon break this stuff up you nerd
"RPC-XXX is an obelisk comprised of shungite (footnote here describing shungite) with an interior of black marble and gold (how do we know what's in the interior?), standing at exactly 2 meters tall and with a weight of approx. 2500 kg."
At the base of the object's tip is a red light with no identifiable source that rotates along RPC-XXX's peak. In addition, the anomaly produces a rhythmic "hum," a sample of which is recorded in addenda bla bla bla."
This is a bit easier to read and not as blocky, and the sound should be in the addenda since it looks kind of awkward sticking out there after the first paragraph yknow?
I originally wanted to go through the remaining paragraphs the same way I did the one above, but I actually would rather have you take the crit I gave before and try to apply it to these in your own way. I'm worried I'm compromising your style with mine, and I also believe practice is the best way to do it, so having me do it for you isn't as helpful. lemme know when ur done tho
Pointers:
Repetition. I can already see from here you use "effect" too many times. Diversify your vocab!
I LOVE the images
Break up paragraphs
keep it simple, stupid! (simplify)
Right!
Grammar And Tone
Due to my time constraints, I will gloss over this. However, I will ask you to use as much passive voice as you possibly can, not that there isn't a good application of that in here.
When this is achieved, RPC-XXX will, at the next opportunity, relocate itself to the entity's position, resulting in contact and subsequent activation of RPC-XXX's anomalous effects, usually in addition to severe blunt force trauma.
Similar to what Butter suggested; I'd say break it up. This is a clinical article after all and stuff like this could get hard to read. A line as long as this deserves to go on a tale.
Whether RPC-XXX is simply incapable of doing so or it possesses some level of sapience or decision-making ability is unknown
Missed comma.
RPC-XXX was initially detected on ██-██-19██ in the Sahara desert
I think that needs capitals.
RPC-XXX was eventually located 6 kilometers away directly North from where the bodies were found
This can be removed.
I think a lot of the lines can be simplified. Other than that, there are just minor tidbits here and there that you can fix by reading through the article again.
Structure and Lore
There's not much here to complain about, since there's not much to complain about.
Moving on.
Content
The images are quite evocative. I like them.
The idea, however, according to what I see (maybe I missed something) is an obelisk that "eats" things. This is not a bad idea, even though I've seen it a few times before. There's nothing wrong with an article that talks about old grounds.
I do think, however, the name suggests it's inspired from how a rook plays in a chess game. To make this idea stand out amongst the crowd, it could be useful to lean more heavily into it.
Narrative
There seems to be none. I'm not saying every article needs a narrative, but this idea is simple enough.
Ok, hear me out. By narrative, I mean rising and falling action. A beginning, middle, and end. Have something happen, I suppose. Or at the least, a "twist" at the end.
RPC-068 is a cliched idea saved by it's excellent narrative about the bond between test subject and researcher. RPC-137 is a cliched idea saved by the lengths that the two subjects went to in escaping the Authority.
Even good ideas are improved with narratives. RPC-286 is a good idea, but it's helped from the establishment of fear at the end. RPC-916 is a dumb but funny idea greatly improved with it's ending twist which answer some questions raised during reading.
Now, there are excellent ideas that certainly don't need narratives. SCP-2521 and RPC-548 are such ideas. However, the anomaly here isn't unique enough for a lack of narrative in my opinion.
Play with rising and falling tension in regards to what information you relay to us, the audience, if possible. But remember, if you don't think that the narrative works, then no narrative is better than a bad narrative.
Good luck!
Wording and Terminology Crit:
“blunt force drama”
Minor spelling mistake
“regardless of whether it would target them normally”
This part of the sentence is a little confusing, a slight reword would add clarity.
“ ██-██-19██”
Why add a date if you’re gonna redact functionally the whole thing? Either decensor some of it or just add a full date.
“it was subsequently trapped and then began transport to Site-081.”
This doesn’t flow as smoothly as it could. A slight reword could make this a bit easier to read.
“in █ more deaths”
Why are the number of deaths redacted? Is it sensitive information? Is it incredibly important that no one figures out how many died? It seems unnecessary from what I’m reading.
“██-██-19██”
Same complaint as the above date.
“Agent T██████”
I never liked names being redacted unnecessarily like this, just make up a name and it would work just the same.
Overall Crit:
This was pretty good. I liked the concept even if I felt it wasn’t explored nearly as much as it could have. I was surprised at how much I liked this article considering how much I despise teleporting anomalies. I am still confused how just a room contains it, wouldn’t it just teleport out of the room? Why doesn’t it?
On wording and terminology there isn’t much to note which is a good thing. My only major complaint is the use of unnecessary redactions. It’s never been a thing I liked in articles in any way and seeing it here really dragged it down for me personally. Other than that it was just some minor flow issues that can be easily addressed so kudos there.
Overall, interesting concept, even if tropes I do not like seeing were present. A little clean up and it would be a pretty good article. Not great, not terrible, but pretty good. I’d probably give it a 3-4/5 if I were to rate it right now.
As one final note, “Teleporter goin’ up!”
I really like the visual imagery of an imposing black obelisk with a red light coming from within it, but the problem is that's the only thing I really like in this draft. Right now, this anomaly just feels like a lesser anomalous object. There's no deeper exploration of the anomaly's abilities, no explanation of its origins, nor any other investigation conducted by the Authority featured. The draft just lacks a compelling narrative.
The only real story we get is how it was discovered and the discovery of a subsequent second obelisk, neither of which provide any significant details about the central anomaly. Overall, I think the base concept you've developed so far is interesting, but it's just not enough on its own to sustain an entire RPC entry. Good luck!
EDIT: I just now realized after looking at the thread title what you're going for here. Pretty funny actually! I've edited my concept critique with hopefully more helpful advice now. I think this could be a really great J-article too if you want to go that route.
We know a couple hard facts about what this anomaly looks like and how it: It's gold and black, it's in the shape of an obelisk, it has a red light emanating from its top section, and it's producing an unknown sound. We also know it targets conscious organic matter, and uses its anomalous effects to reconfigure its target's atomic and molecular structure. It's red light shines in the direction of its targets and it uses its teleportation to terminate them. Also tends to be found in deserts.
One of the first questions that comes to mind is: What's this anomaly's purpose? To guard something in the desert? To make sure the desert stays relatively free of conscious lifeforms? Why use teleportation as a method of transport? Why rearrange the organic tissue of a target rather than just using the blunt-force trauma of being hit with a 2500 kg gold and marble object? What essentially is this anomaly supposed to be - a weapon, a sentient robot, a cursed object?
Second, then I would wonder who built it? Is it alien-technology? Is it from a lost human civilization? Is it from another dimension or from the future sent back in time? Not every anomaly needs to answer questions like this in overwhelming detail, but we need to be given a hint of what these answers could be. It allows us to speculate and think deeper about another important question - what this anomaly means.
What is the deeper significance behind this anomaly's existence? Again, not every anomaly needs to induce existentialism or think about the limits of humanity, but the best anomalies have the power to raise these kind of questions. I think a perfect example of what I'm talking about is SCP-1050. I would recommend reading that article for inspiration.
Once you can sufficiently answer these questions, the narrative will become a lot easier to develop. You just focus on the Authority discovering these questions either through the initial encounter, subsequent historical research, or the discovery of the second obelisk.
EDIT: Okay I just only now realized that this is supposed to be a giant chess piece. Disregard the things I said before. I think you can play this up way better than what you have right now.
First, get rid of the teleportation thing. Have the obelisk actually move through the air and smash its targets out of the way. Just drop the atomic remolecularization ability since it doesn't really add anything. I would also probably make the object impervious to damage, but it's up to you if you want to include that or not.
For the discovery log, really play into the obelisk going after people who get in its way. This is a perfect time to showcase its abilities. For instance, maybe it only knocks a guy out, but when he becomes conscious again, it then kill him, and the other operatives take note of this. They capture it by having a guy sacrifice himself by luring it into a giant containment box.
I would also have the obelisk move on its own randomly every once in a while, which you kind of hint at with the second auxiliary chamber. I think the red light should also come on and off. The light will turn on either by itself, or when a target is within its vicinity. As for the second obelisk, I think that one should explicitly be made of white marble and silver.
You could even include the Authority putting the two obelisks together, which results in the one destroying the other and causing a massive containment breach. It would also be funny too though if there was like a table of other obelisk sightings and a short description of how they move. Then when you get to the Queen, it's just DATA EXPUNGED.
It's all up to you, but these are just ideas I think would make the article better, or at least more clearly convey what you're going for here. At least for me, I completely missed the twist because it's really not explained very well in the draft itself.
RPC-XXX is to be contained in a concrete square room of at minimum 10 meters in width.
You could also say "RPC-XXX is to be contained in a 10m x 10m concrete containment chamber."
Access to the chamber is to be locked by 2 doors, of which only 1 may be opened at any time.
Suggestion: "The containment chamber is to be secured by two doors, of which only one may be used to access the cell at any time."
An additional auxiliary chamber with identical dimensions should be attached to the chamber by a single door.
Suggestion: "An additional auxiliary cell with identical dimensions should be attached to the containment chamber by a single door."
in the event emergency maintenance is authorized.
Suggestion: "in the event of an emergency"
I would also specify what kind of emergency, like a containment breach, or something more specific to RPC-XXX.
not consist of more than
"be limited to no more than"
shungite
Footnote what this means.
RPC-XXX is a shungite obelisk standing at exactly 2 meters tall and weighing approximately 2500 kg. The interior of RPC-XXX is composed of black marble and gold.
"RPC-XXX is a shungite obelisk composed of black marble and gold standing at exactly 2 meters tall and weighing approximately 2500 kg."
though the sound does not seem to have any anomalous effects itself nor does it appear to contain any meaning.
"though the sound itself does not appear to trigger any anomalous effects"
I would probably drop the no-meaning fragment since the Authority really isn't going to know one way or the other whether a sound is meaningful or not. All they might know is that the sound does not currently appear to have a functional purpose.
RPC-XXX will often face its light in its direction of motion, though occasionally it will face the object RPC-XXX is moving towards.
Suggestion: "RPC-XXX will often direct its light towards its intended direction of motion."
unknown
Missing period.
1 member of the containment teams
"one containment team personnel"
and subsequently expired.
"resulting in their expiration."
prior to beginning transport
"and transported"
Site-081
Missing period.
escaped
"escape"
personnel before RPC-XXX caused sufficient damage to the transport vehicle's back door and fell out and resumed heading North.
"personnel. RPC-XXX subsequently caused sufficient damage to the transport vehicle's back door, enabling it to fall out and resume teleporting North."
shipped to the scene
"shipped on location and used to successfully recapture RPC-XXX."
When this was complete, RPC-XXX was successfully transported to Site-081 and contained.
Not necessary to include, just delete this sentence.