http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/dattopce1
Theres one footnote in this that for the life of me I cannot get to work and idk why, but besides that, please let me know what you'd recommend.
Thinking of calling it Spiteful Metal, or Installed Humanity, need crit plz thank u.
GRP-xxx is to be contained in a 4x4 meter standard containment chamber located at Station-015 until further information can be obtained regarding the identity
To
GRP-xxx is to be contained in a 4x4 meter standard containment chamber docked into Station-015 until (a method of curing) can be devised.
Even if they figured out GRP-xxx's identity, they'd still have to contain him
GRP-xxx should be fed once daily a standard nutrient paste provided by Station-015.
To
Every 24 hours GRP-xxx should be fed # ounces of nutrient paste provided by Station-015 automatons or CSD staff.
There are no days on a Station, also specify the amount and who delivers.
and no more than two servings should be provided daily to avoid potential issues with GRP-XXX-2.
To
and no more than two servings should be provided within a 24 hour period to curtail overfeeding.
No days, also explain the issue
In the event GRP-xxx becomes aggressive and attempts to breach containment, GRP-xxx's containment chamber is to be temporarily detached from the rest of Station-015 to avoid potential casualties and/or further damage to the station, until suitable nutrients can be provided to GRP-xxx.
To
In the event GRP-xxx becomes aggressive and attempts to breach containment, GRP-xxx's containment chamber is to be temporarily jettisoned from the rest of Station-015. Once adrift, a drone will be deployed to GRP-xxx's location and provide the required nutrients.
Proper synonym and run-on sentence
In the event that GRP-xxx breaches containment before it's containment chamber can be successfully detached, GRP-xxx is to be carefully lead by one CSD to Station-015's cafeteria, wherein GRP-xxx will either consume the nearest source of nutrients, or the CSD1.
To
In the event that GRP-xxx breaches Station-015 proper, GRP-xxx is to be carefully led by one CSD to the cafeteria wing.
Needless info and misspelling
Preferably a CSD of the Bakaneko species, due to their lithe frame and more agile reflexes than most known species.
To
Preferably a Bakaneko, due to their lithe frame and agile reflexes compared to most known species.
Proper grammar and removal of redundant info
GRP-XXX is an unknown human being who has been forcibly fused to an environmental exosuit of unknown manufacturer.
To
GRP-XXX is an unknown human being who has been forcibly fused to an experimental environmental exosuit of an unknown make or model.
"unknown manufacturer." doesn't make sense in this context
Medical scans of GRP-xxx-1 reveal that the hazardous environment exosuit GRP-XXX is contained within is mostly empty of organic materials, with the exception of an intact eye, brain, and a set of partially intact vocal chords.
To
Radiology scans of GRP-XXX reveal that the hazardous environment exosuit or GRP-XXX-2 is primarily empty, with only trace amounts of vocal cord tissue, an intact eye, and brain matter fused with electrical components.
Medical tone
It is unknown how long GRP-XXX-1 had been attached or fused to GRP-XXX-2, but extensive burn damage to the exterior of GRP-XXX-2 indicates this damage must have come later. no discernable
To
["how long GRP-XXX-1 had been attached" has nothing to do with "burn damage to the exterior of GRP-XXX-2"]
Rework: Burnt human flesh and heat stains in the suit lend credence to the fact GRP-XXX-1 has become conjoined to GRP-XXX-2 in a physical sense.
no discernable injuries appear to have been inflicted upon GRP-XXX-1 aside from what appears to be psychological damage reflected in GRP-xxx-1 active avoidance of fire while in control2.
To
Mentally, GRP-XXX-1 suffers from pyrophobia, not to mention dissociative identity disorder2.
Proper phrasing
Based on limited information from what little of the exosuit has been reverse engineered, as well as information gathered from direct interviews with GRP-xxx, the current understanding of GRP-xxx-2's purpose is the conservation of the suit's main power source, that being the hosts brain, using the organic host's own body as a backup 'battery'.
To
[This entire part just seems off]
Rework: Based on limited information derived from recovered schematics, GRP-XXX interviews, and data mining, it's believed that GRP-XXX-2's soul purpose is the conservation of the user's, in this case, GRP-XXX-1's, consciousness by any method it calculates as necessary.
GRP-xxx-2 would then process the nutrients of the selected part and conserve them for as great a length as possible, slowly feeding this nutrients to GRP-xxx-1. It is hypothesized that GRP-xxx's organic body had been at one point a normal human body, only for GRP-xxx-2 to consume parts of the body to supply nutrients when there were none present.
To
GRP-xxx-2 processes these nutrients back into GRP-XXX-1 to conserve energy for as long as possible. It is hypothesized that GRP-xxx-1's organic body had been starved of resources, and with no programmed stopping point, GRP-XXX-2 consumed parts of the body and mind considered nonessential.
Proper grammar
A nutrient paste or liquid food can be used to supplement GRP-xxx's apparent self-devourment.3.
To
A nutrient paste consisting of liquidated food can be used to supplement GRP-xxx's self-devourment3.
Typos and grammar correction
via ocular or auditory sensations
To
via ocular or auditory sensors
Proper grammar
While in 'Survival Mode', GRP-xxx will attack any nearby personnel in an attempt to devour them, usually attempting to tear open the target's throat and consume the blood that exits the open wound, before eventually consuming small amounts of solid tissue at a time.
To
Once nutrients have been located, GRP-xxx will attempt to devour it, regardless of it's sentience.
Mention of 'Survival Mode' has already been done, no need to repeat yourself. Talking about blood and gore is also not in a medical tone, consider removing it.
GRP-xxx-2 has shown extensive feats of physical strength, though a majority of its aggressive outbursts have nearly all been during it's aformentioned 'Survival Mode'. GRP-xxx has shown the ability to visibly dent steel walls, bend iron bars, lift security personnel with one arm, as well as deliver physical blows with enough force to break human bones and other such severe physical trauma with minimal effort.
To
GRP-xxx-2 has shown extensive feats of physical strength, denting steel walls, bending iron bars, lifting security personnel with one arm, and delivering blows with enough force to fracture a human's bones.
Medical tone and extra wording which has been repeated before is not required
Despite extensive outward damage to GRP-xxx-2, no sign of motor function damage has been detected. Whether motor functions are maintained anomalously or not is currently under investigation, as attempts to recreate the hazardous environment suit's conditions with other similar exosuits have shown an inability to perform similarly.
To
[This bit can be removed, the suit isn't magic, either explain how it still works via self preparing micro machines or don't mention it at all]
GRP-xxx was located inside the main deck of a free-systems salvage ship designated 'The Vulture' after GRP-xxx had located and successfully activated the ship's standard emergency beacon, the transmission of which had been intercepted by GRPC personnel. The crew of the 'Vulture' had not been located, though their possessions5 and valuables within the ship had not been touched.
To
GRPC Highland array picked up an emergency distress transmission from a Free Systems salvage craft in the Messier 3 globular cluster. GRPC Ranger rescue teams rendezvous with the marooned 'FSS Vulture' spacecraft hours later. Upon docking with the spacecraft, GRP-XXX is uncovered in the ship's main deck, huddled on the ground in a fetal position. The original crew members were never located, nor had their valuables been touched.
Correction to grammar and sentence flow
Upon arrival and initial discovery, GRP-xxx had cooperated with personnel and was safely transported to Station-015, with discovery of the research facility GRP-xxx is believed to have originated from being discovered 18 hours later.
To
GRP-xxx was fed occasionally in transit, and was safely transferred to Station-015. 18 hours after containment, GRPC Rangers traced the flight logs of the 'FSS Vulture' to an abandoned plant side research facility.
Proper grammar
An expedition into the surface level of the facility provided little results,
To
An expedition into the surface level of the facility turned up little information,
"results"? This isn't a test, it's an investigation.
due to an internal fire which is currently believed to have originated deeper within the facility.
To
due to an internal fire that originated deeper within the facility.
This wouldn't be likely, you'd be able to tell where the fire started from
Structural damage has been hypothesized to be caused by a combination
To
It's hypothesized structural damage was caused by a combination
"has"? this is the NOW not the past, also, correction of grammar
warping as well as local weather phenomenon such as storms and earthquakes
To
warping and local weather phenomena of acid storms and plate tectonic shifts
Specify why these storms cause so much damage. "Earth Quakes", Dattop….is this Earth? -_-
A single helipad had been left relatively intact, however no vehicles had been detected on the planet besides 'The Vulture'.
To
A single launchpad had been left relatively intact, however, no vehicles have been located.
The Vulture already left, if it was still on the planet the local weather would interfere with an SOS, also, "Helipad" There are no Helicopters.
What little could be ascertained from recoverable documentation, SovCom
To
What little could be ascertained from recoverable documentation suggest SovCom
Proper grammar
power source to function, with later dated documentation showing SovCom's dissatisfaction
To
power source to function. Later documentation suggests SovCom became dissatisfied
Run-on sentence, proper period placement
The crew also discovered a large sleeping quarters in the facility, estimated to contain up to twenty-five beds, yet no personnel could be confirmed/located with the exception of GRP-xxx
To
The Ranger crew would go on to discover large sleeping quarters locked behind a gate. It was estimated to contain up to twenty-five beds, yet none of its inhabitants could be located.
GRP-XXX was not found on-site, missing period, and added some hints as to the intention of this sleeping quarters with the mention of "locked behind a gate."
Intriguing article! It's concise and short without sacrificing any of the core concept. I enjoyed how the psychological twist is hinted at through its behavior and interview, and the twist about why they can't find any other bodies is really good. Overall, I think this draft is pretty solid currently.
If you wanted to expand this article more though, like with more behavioral psychology or interviews, that would be great. While we get what the robot's personality is like, we don't quite see the human personality as much, besides the fear of fire. I would also wouldn't mind more details about the Soviet base and the volunteers as well.
I'd go with Installed Humanity for the name suggestion.
Agression
"Aggression"
The Beta Orange icon isn't aligned correctly with the text.
GRP-xxx is to be fed once daily a standard nutrient paste provided by Station-015 and under no circumstance is GRP-xxx to be not fed daily, and no more than two servings of nutrient paste are to be provided daily as to avoid potential issues with GRP-xxx-2
"GRP-xxx should be fed once daily a standard nutrient paste provided by Station-015. GRP-xxx should under no circumstance be deprived of nutrient paste, and no more than two servings should be provided daily to avoid potential issues with GRP-XXX-2"
In the event of aggression by GRP-xxx wherein it attempts to breach containment, GRP-xxx's containment chamber is to be temporarily detached from the rest of Station-015, to avoid potential casualties and/or further damage to the station until suitable nutrients can be provided to GRP-xxx.
"In the event GRP-xxx becomes aggressive and attempts to breach containment, GRP-xxx's containment chamber is to be temporarily detached from the rest of Station-015 to avoid potential casualties and/or further damage to the station, until suitable nutrients can be provided to GRP-xxx."
In the event that GRP-xxx breaches containment before it's containment chamber can be successfully detached, GRP-xxx is to be carefully lead by one CSD to Station-015's cafeteria, wherein GRP-xxx will either consume the nearest source of nutrients, or the CSD1
"Should GRP-XXX breach containment prior to its containment chamber being detached, GRP-XXX is to be carefully led by one CSD to Station-015's cafeteria where it will either consume the nearest source of nutrients, or the CSD."
Why just one CSD?
GRP-xxx is the result of an unknown human being that has been forcibly fused to an environmental exosuit of unknown manufacturer.
"GRP-XXX is an unknown human being who has been forcibly fused to an environmental exosuit of unknown manufacturer."
referred to as GRP-xxx-2
I would put this in the article instead of a footnote.
the hazardous environment exosuit that GRP-xxx is contained in2 is mostly empty, with the only organic components being the eyes, brain, and a partially intact set of vocal chords.
"hazardous environment exosuit GRP=XXX is contained within is mostly empty of organic materials, with the exception of an intact eye, brain, and a set of partially intact vocal chords."
What's "particular" about the vocal chords?
After a currently unknown amount of time GRP-xxx-1 had entered and/or been fused with GRP-xxx-2; extensive burn damage had been dealt to the exterior of GRP-xxx-2.
"It is unknown how long GRP-XXX-1 had been attached or fused to GRP-XXX-2, but extensive burn damage to the exterior of GRP-XXX-2 indicates this damage must have come later."
I think that's what you meant to say.
The resulting damage of the exosuit has caused it to take on a warped, melted, and/or permanently burnt appearance.
"Due to the resulting damage, the exosuit has become warped, melted, or permanently burnt in appearance."
no discernable damage had been dealt to GRP-xxx-2 outside of seemingly psychological damage to GRP-xxx-1; as while in control, GRP-xxx-1 has shown an active avoidance of fire
"no discernable injuries appear to have been inflicted upon GRP-XXX-1 aside from what appears to be psychological damage reflected in GRP-xxx-1 active avoidance of fire while in control."
With the exception of GRP-xxx-2 activating 'Survival Mode'.[[/Footnote]].
Footnote is broken
is conservation
"is the conservation"
the suits main power source
"the suit's main power source"
the hosts cranial
"the host's cranial"
by seperating the targeted limb/organ and seperating it from the rest of the body.
Repetitive: "by separating the targeted limb/organ from the rest of the body."
GRP-xxx-1 .
Extra space
The seeming self-devourment of GRP-xxx can be supplemented with standard nutrients, delivered via nutrient paste or liquid food
A nutrient paste or liquid food can be used to supplement GRP-xxx's apparent self-devourment.
[[footnote]]Despite
Footnote broken
Despite lacking a digestive system, GRP-xxx-2 seems to have been incorporated with it's digestive system, capable of breaking down liquids into nutrients of which can be delivered directly to GRP-xxx
Whose digestive system is this?
coloquially
"colloquially"
that exists the open wound,
"that exits from the opened wound"
'The Vulture's
Missing quotation mark: 'The Vulture's'
EDIT: I think you just meant "The Vulture"
the ships standard
"the ship's standard"
Including clothing haphazardly left on the deck of the ship
Missing period
'The Vulture'
Missing period
half-burnt documents, mostly illegible documents,
"half-burnt, mostly illegible documents"
as well as several dried blood-stained
Are these documents too?
discerned of
"discerned from"
GRP-xxx-2, as well as the discovery of a large sleeping quarters, estimated to contain up to twenty-five beds yet no personnel can be confirmed with the exception of GRP-xxx.
Break this up into two sentences.
"The crew also discovered a large sleeping quarters in the facility, estimated to contain up to twenty-five beds, yet no personnel could be confirmed/located with the exception of GRP-xxx."
it's
"its"
it's words
"its words"
planets surface
"planet's surface"
was efficient, methodical, excruciating.
Well how does he know that if he can't remember?
it's purpose
"its purpose"
To our knowledge, we had been voluntary test subjects
Wait so how much information does he remember? You said he had suffered damage to the hippocampus region. I don't know brain anatomy that well, but if these memories are embedded in other regions of the brain, I think you should specify that.
left, the
"left; the"
while others
"while the others"
been made inoperable,
"become inoperable"
Flesh unionid with metal,
"Flesh united with metal"?
christ
Capitalize
is spoken to an adjacent researcher with the speaker off
Italicize this.
inferno, when
"inferno. When"
Suggesting that either through technological or Anomalous means, GRP-xxx is still capable of 'hearing' in some capacity
Missing period.
