crit post: http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/forum/t-14558639/it-s-raining-inside
image from: https://unsplash.com/photos/5rsy1FOkaH0
idea from: http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/forum/t-13863464/children-of-nihil-hub#post-4819557
This is my first attempt, so maybe it's quite rough.
Really thanks to TTPY and
SovereignAuthority, they reviewed and polished the article word by word, and thanks
Von Pincier for reviewing, too.
Thanks!
I understand that you're ESL, but the connections to the CN branch just ruin the article for me with it going back and forth between the CN branch and an actual baseline RPC site. Something like this has never been done before in Baseline RPC
I like the article though, I think that you did a great job especially since you are ESL.
Edit: Turns out I'm a fucking dumbass and it has been done before.
Maybe replace the first instances of "ASF" and "ACI" with the full names, might make it a little more newbie-friendly.
The subject was still sturdy after the lastest earthquake due to it's anti-seismic structure.
"Although a recent earthquake has affected its area, the anomaly is mostly unaffected due to its anti-seismic construction."
CSDs reported that even though they could not visibly see the interior structure while passing through the doorway, by relying on their touch senses, they were able to detect a rough-surfaced columnar object situated approximately 40m away.
"CSD personnel have reported an inability to see the interior structure after passing through its doorway. Despite this, they were able to touch and confirm the presence of a columnar, rough-surfaced object situated 40m away from the doorway."
At least one "It's Raining Inside" event occurs twice a year; during which the surroundings of RPC-356 will experience Coherency disturbances of ACS ranging between 3.8~2.2. Personnel who remain with RPC-356 will begin to feel significant humidity. After a brief period (about 12 hours in general), large amounts of liquid of unknown composition (designated as RPC-356-1) will manifest and drop from the upper part of RPC-356 . RPC-356-1 is observed to be colourless outside of RPC-356. The event will subsequently continue for another 2~3.5 days in general.
"At least two "It's Raining Inside" events occur per year. During each event, the surroundings of RPC-356 experience coherency disturbances ranging between 3.8~2.2. Personnel remaining close to RPC-356 experience sensations of humidity. After a brief period (about 12 hours since first reported disturbance), large amounts of colorless liquid of unknown composition (designated RPC-356-1) begins falling from the ceiling of RPC-356, flowing outside from its doorway. The event will generally continue for 2~3.5 days after this point."
The ACS is only applied at a universal level. Local measurements are just called "coherency".
RPC-356-1 will spill out from the aforementioned door structure due to normal liquid piling. Fogs will will start developing around RPC-356 during the event, reducing visibility to less than a quarter metre. This fog is currently believed to be composed of RPC-356-1 droplets. Each "It's Raining Inside" event will produce 20m3 to 980m3 amount of RPC-356-1.
"Fog develops around RPC-356 during each event, reducing visibility to less than a quarter metre. This fog is currently believed to be composed of RPC-356-1. The total amount of RPC-356-1 produced per "It's Raining Inside" event (counting fog estimates) is between 20m3 and 980m3.
Personnel exposed to RPC-356-1 unprotected will become obsessed with entities or events related to the Children of Nihil. In the pre-infective stage, personnel typically will not become aware of the infection by themselves. Although many of the beliefs are difficult to classify, worships related to Exiled Sun are most common among infected personnel (above 93%) among them, while a very few individuals have beliefs similar to Orrery of Ages and Void Unending. Amnestics are not effective against infected personnel. It is agreed that the infection itself is not memetic in nature.
"Physical contact with RPC-356-1 results in the development of obsession with entities or events associated with the "Children of Nihil" category of Groups of Interest, which is not apparent to themselves during the early stages of progression. Spiritual conversion to a faith associated with the Children of Nihil normally follows, with individuals developing beliefs that, while difficult to classify, most commonly relate to the "Exiled Sun" deity (>93%). A few outliers with remarkable similarity to the "Orrery of Ages" and "Void Unending" have been recorded. Amnestics are not effective against infected personnel, which suggests the syndrome not to be memetic in nature."
Suggest adding a footnote for the Children of Nihil and each of the gods briefly explaining what they are.
Increased occurrence of going into trances.
I don't get this. Do they just randomly go into trance? Why does it say "increased"? The word "increased" implies that it's something that already happens with some frequency, but regular trances have not been introduced in this article.
In the late stages of infection, these behaviours will become violent, with some instances of personnel defecting to join nearby Nihil groups.
I'm not a big fan of this frankly. People becoming insane and violently religious is kind of a common trope. It'd be more interesting if it was the other way around — how do normal people integrate a faith literally forced into them into their daily lives?
There are a large number of Nihil groups throughout China. Most of these Nihil groups are small in number, the smallest has about 5 people and the largest has just under a hundred, most hold anomalous objects. Since 2002, the Authority has been conducting a set of investigations into these groups. Since 2009, the Authority, together with the South Sea Enlightenment Movement, an allied Pilot-worship group, launched a series of raids against some of the larger groups.
"There are a large number of Nihil groups throughout China, most of them small in number and in possession of anomalous objects. The smallest known has about 5 members, with the largest just under a hundred. Authority investigations into these groups did not begin until 2002, and only upgraded into tactical operations (including raids against some of the largest groups) during 2009, when coordination began between the Authority and the South Sea Enlightenment Movement, an allied Pilot-worshipping sect."
Add a footnote for the Pilot.
Most of the Nihil groups are engaged in spreading anomalous objects in populated places. A set of worldviews related to anomalous entities are disseminated. Their worldviews are varied, with a few having developed into a complete system1. Some of the most common are as follows:
"These groups typically engage in spread of anomalous items in populated places with the intent of disseminating worldviews related to their faith. These are varied and inconsistent, with few having developed into a complete system. Some of the most common are as follows:"
This worldview claims that the ten deities of Nihil originated from the ten sons of Dijun and Xihe, also knowns as the Golden Crows. At a point, ten suns rose at the same time and were shot down by Hou Yi's arrows. The concept of "flood" does not exist in this worldview.
You should (briefly) explain what the Golden Crows and Hou Yi are. Same goes for the concept of flood — this is a lot to drop on someone who isn't familiar with the GoI.
This goes for this entire collapsible. For someone who hasn't read the full hub it's absolutely incomprehensible. You should try to dilute it a bit for new readers - reintroduce basic concepts, simplify, etc.
A: Well I think you have already know.
Remove "have"
B: There are reports mentioned that your range of activity has been in this vicinity.
"We believe that your range of activity is around this vicinity."
So let me make this clear: we found the ACS here is unstable and we suspect you have an anomalous object stored there.
He really should not have mentioned ACS, or just described the phenomenon differently. Just say they "detected unusual activity" or something.
The rest of your personnel have reported that you are consistently fighting other Nihil groups in ████
A has no reason to recognize the meaning of "Nihil" as a term. It's an occidental term the Authority uses, not necessarily members of the GoI.
B: Many ways to get information from you. Now is just the easiest and most humane one.
"There's many ways to gather that information. Right now we're trying the easiest and most humane one."
B: So I suggest you speak quickly.
A: [Rage] You're rushing me, aren't you?
B: No…Uh?
I don't get this sequence of dialogue. B is clearly rushing A, but seems confused when confronted? Why is A asking this instead of saying something like "stop rushing me".
B: No, but I recorded them all.
What is he talking about?
Armaments: Standard Knives; 404J Flashbangs; AECR Measure Tools
Why just knives and no guns? Not even pistols?
D: Commander can you here?
here -> hear
Remember to always check your brain later in it, we rarely deal with ACSs.
ACS -> coherency
Maybe "get your brain checked" instead of "check your brain"?
[Around ██, ██ , the hue is seen darker]
The hue of what?
B: Cap, it displays that ACS is lower down, the highest is only 3.6.
There are no devices that can measure coherency that are also portable. See this page.
I don't think that exploration log really adds anything. It's all stuff we know from the Description already. I think you should still keep it, but do something more with it — show something that you can't have in the Description, how the interior feels, etc.
I like the Anomaly Processing Document a bit more but I feel it suffers from the same problem. None of its contents are directly relevant to the subject of the article — they're just technical details about the Authority with no link to Nihil. It would be interesting if regular Containment personnel had to coordinate with affected people to contain the anomaly instead of making it all normal personnel.
In general I like a lot of the ideas here, but it really needs some tightening up. Both in the language aspect and the conceptual ones. The article seems to want to go in a lot of different directions (the Nihil angle, the Containment document, the CSD problem) without much causal connection between them, which makes for a disjointed reading experience.
That aside — I really appreciate the effort that's gone into using all of these bits of lore together correctly. That's genuinely impressive, and it's one of the few articles I've read that expands on Nihil in an interesting way. There's a lot of really, really good shit in here that just needs some time to cook. I'll be glad to help with anything that you might need.
I am abstaining from the vote due to the fact that the amount of work and effort that went into this is more than commendable. It is apparent that a lot of attention, care and respect went into researching the necessary lore which is something that is concerningly rare with newcomers. But, that can only get you so far - what the article has in effort when it comes to lore, it severely lacks in direction.
The story, which seems either underdeveloped or completely absent, seems to try and go in three different directions at the same time, not arriving at the end of any of them. It seemed a bit like you tried to establish some plot points to use in the future, but they just kind of got left out, which is honestly a shame.
I think with a bit more direction and ironing, this can become an absolutely great addition to the wiki. But until that, it's better to work on it a bit more.
I think this piece will be good with a little more polish and editing, but it's not there yet. Keep refining it, and it will make a great addition to the canon.
(account deleted)