Clay Girl

Summary:

Dude uses magic clay to make himself a girlfriend after his wife leaves him.

Clay Girl

(account deleted) 08 Mar 2022 22:13

http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/glass-operator-2

I have three drafts on my sandbox. Clay Girl is the first one on the list.

I finally decided to just make another sandbox lmao

I’m concerned with how believable and compelling the journal entries are. Halp.

3k words.

Last edited on 15 Mar 2022 16:43 by (account deleted) Show more

Re: Clay Girl Crit

Mr Makor 15 Mar 2022 21:54

[+] Is it crit?

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and 1240 degree celsius.
To
and 1240 degrees celsius.

Correct spelling

——
expected, however, it
To
expected; however, it

Proper punctuation

——
Creatures that are crafted from
To
Creatures crafted from

Unnecessary wording

——
RPC-XXX for the creation of CSD Class
To
RPC-XXX for creating CSD Class

Unnecessary wording

——
variants, however, their circulatory
To
variants. However, their circulatory

Proper period placement

——
they have the same skeletal structures,
To
they poses the same musculoskeletal system,

Clinical tone

——
August 12th, 2017 in
To
August 12th, 2017, in

Missing comma

——
into a dried up riverbed.
To
into a dried-up riverbed.

Missing hyphen

——
In the recovered notebook, this word was found inked out with a sharpie marker. Presumed to be a name, it has yet to be recovered.
To
Word inked out with a sharpie marker, presumed to be a name.

2nd Sentence = sentence fragment, combined the two.

——
Hopefully he won’t mind.
To
Hopefully, he won’t mind.

Missing comma

——
against extremely hot metal,
To
against scorching hot metal,

Proper synonym

——
the cup and the
To
the cup, and the

Missing comma

——
was wrong and
To
was wrong, and

Missing comma

——
felt the same, because
To
felt the same because

Comma not required

——
he’s self aware enough
To
he’s self-aware enough

Missing hyphen

——
wrong, we live in
To
wrong; we live in

Proper punctuation

——
but still. it just
To
but still. It just

Proper capitalization

——
informed so I'm
To
informed, so I'm

Missing comma

——
the lady I asked me
To
the lady asked me

Proper sentencing

——
I was bleeding. Like a human.
To
I was bleeding, like a human.

Sentence fragments

——
spent a a lot of time
To
spent a lot of time

Proper sentencing

——
was originally meant to be
To
was initially meant to be

Proper synonym

——
a joke and the
To
a joke, and the

Missing comma

——
groceries and I
To
groceries, and I

Missing comma

——
all today and
To
all today, and

Missing comma

——
you any more.
To
you anymore.

One word

——
First tell me
To
First, tell me

Missing comma

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An interesting take on a “romantic” story about what it means to be real. There’s very little horror or gut punch twist, so to some it might feel a little lackluster but I found it an all around enjoyable read.

Last edited on 15 Mar 2022 22:04 by Mr Makor Show more

Re: Clay Girl

Von Pincier 12 Mar 2022 19:07

It's ya boy, "needs more specific detail."

• Specify the mineral composition of the clay! Earthenware is a family of potteries, you can be more detailed here.
• Given that you can put a camera in a kiln, I think we need some explanation of the process of skin growing on things. Cool image though.
• I would make it XXX-1 instead of XXX-2. Having XXX-2 implies that there exists an XXX-1.
• It's unclear- are XXX-2 instances actually living beings, with all the anatomical structures that implies, or animate clay shaped like living beings? I'd elaborate on this.
• What happens if you sculpt a living creature badly? Or like a dog with five legs? What constitutes detail sufficient to instill life?
• I'd like to see a bit more… doubt, I guess, on the part of the clay girl? She doesn't come across as slavishly loyal or anything, but given that she's obviously supposed to be curious and intelligent, I think we need more exploration of her condition.
• Formatting in the journal is borked in the dark theme. I'd either change the text colour or darken the background.

Overall, I think this is solid. Tells a complete story.

Last edited on 12 Mar 2022 19:08 by Von Pincier Show more

Re: Clay Girl

TheGreatTarbolin69 15 Mar 2022 01:04

The Crit

Top Info:

IMAGE BLOCK CODE (IF APPLICABLE)

OBJECT CLASS SYMBOL

Doesn't hurt to clean up the page, as well as doing what the format says and putting in the image code, which would be this one: [[f<image http://www.rpc-wiki.net/local--files/component:icons/alpha-white.png]]

Hazard Types: Transmutation,

rogue comma

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Containment Protocols:

deployed to search

I would use "scour" instead of "search", as you already used it in the same sentence

---

Description:

appropriately sized

appropriately-sized*

have higher levels of Kaolinite

missing period

I think you could benefit from combining your paragraphs, since rn it looks like small pieces of information that just… look kinda weird being, at times, one sentence long. Imo, you could combine the first and second paragraph, then the 3rd and 4th and the parargraphs 5, 6 and 7. I also think you could use dividers, which are done by putting five hypens on an empty lines like such:

-----

For the reader to better tell apart each section, as given how disorganized it looks, everything kinda blends together.

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Discovery:

A suspected instance of RPC-XXX-1 had been noticed on August 12th, 2017 in Wellington, Florida.

… but how? If they anomaly wasn't known at that point, how was it a suspected RPC-XXX-1 instance? I feel like something's missing here. Also, how was it "noticed"? Did a concern neighbor just phone the police about an unknown person walking on the streets or something? Were they doing anything suspicious?

Authority personnel were deployed to gather intel on it as well as

comma after "on it"

Same issue as before, you separate each sentence into its own paragraph for no apparent reason. I suggest combining paragraphs 1, 2 and 3, then paragraphs 4, 5 and maybe 6.

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Addendum:

Presumed to be a name, it has yet to be recovered.

It says "Sitting by [REDACTED]", and I'm having a hard time finding how that sentence would work with a name, since something like "Sitting by John" sounds awkward, as do location and titles like "Sitting by park", since whatever comes after "by" is a single work. Maybe you could re-structure it, or add a "the", or add a "next to" instead of "by"

of sterile gloved hands,

comma after "sterile", and I would also change the comma after hands for a period

higher concepts somehow

comma after "concepts"

when he a kid

when he was*

I came out into the living and saw

into the living room?

My bitch ass thought,

Oh wow, now isn't that a change in tone? Either way, it should be bitch-ass

Anyways, uhhhh, wow. The diary part was good, really fucking good tbh.

mr. relationship killer

It should be "Mr. Relationship Killer"

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Final Thoughts:

Well, that was sad. I think the story is nicely conveyed, even if the ending was a bit abrupt, but its overall a nice piece. Good job!