Magic Mugs
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/bro-back
Made a thing in the "RPCs" tab under the "Coffee Cups" Collapsible. Afford this peasant some crits.
Edit: Had to change the link because destroyed the old sandbox :p
Magic Mugs
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» Magic Mugs
Summary:
They'll steal your browser history.
(account deleted)are to be taught how to perform it.
This line feels a bit jank.
Contact the current head researcher, Dr. ████ Stewart
This complaint is just a nitpick. I disagree with the redaction here. SCP and RPC have different redaction standards, yes, but I have to comment regardless. If protocol dictates that one must contact a Mr./Mrs. Stewart, how would they know which one if their first name gets redacted? Unless this person is the only person in the entire Authority with the surname of Stewart. Is Stewart’s first name really so hazardous that it must be covered up in the official database of the Authority itself?
Again, just a nitpick.
will attempt to identify the individual responsible for their creation and will follow any order given by them.
I’m enjoying the buildup here as well as the sheer absurdity that is sentient cups. Makes me want to know more.
Despite instances being rather unintelligent,
‘being rather unintelligent’ sounds unclinical. Maybe reword to state that they have a low IQ or have low intelligence?
Discovery: RPC-872 initially came to Authority attention on ██/██/200█, when Site-038 suffered a minor containment breach due to important security systems crashing. During the following investigation, it was discovered that Dr. ██████'s
I’ll say the same for the redactions here. This is the last time I’ll nitpick about it. Do whatever you like with redactions; I’m just not the biggest fan with how they’re used here, even if it’s technically not incorrect on RPC.
and the cause was eventually determined to be a mug he had recently purchased.
Maybe I’m probing too hard, but I’d like to know how they figured this out.
After several months of discussions and proposals it was decided that containment of unaccounted instances of RPC-872-A would be best achieved if the Authority and PCAAO worked together.
Why months? I feel like the Authority would decide sooner if they knew that the PCAAO was more experienced with dealing with these weird cup things.
Also, comma after ‘proposals’ and before ‘it’.
hand over as much information as they can to help while not sabotaging their own security.
‘hand over’ is too conversational.
Perhaps ‘deliver’ or just ‘give’.
I read the PCAAO article. While I like it for immersiveness and continuity’s sake, rereading essentially the same thing again— but with some added lore—was a tad repetitive. Just a nitpick, though. I like it enough that I’m all for keeping it in, as is.
Your third research notes thing is empty in the test log.
My final thoughts:
All in all, it’s a cute little anomaly with some pretty big implications, but other than the containment breach and the thing mentioned in the PCAAO, it feels kinda…underwhelming-ish? Hard for me to pinpoint why.
Also, maybe I’m nitpicking too much, but I’d also like to know what the ritual is for making these thing grow sentient and capable of stealing data. I noticed that was completely glossed over.
For me, this would be 3/5. It’s aight. Not terrible, but missing…something. I’m sorry if that’s unhelpful.
█ - Red text to indicate advised deletion.
█ - Green text to indicate advised addition.
█ - Yellow text to call to attention.
Clinical tone is sort of weak. For example:
Discussions to revise protocols will occur once the number of unaccounted RPC-872-A instances has been estimated to be under 4,000 instances.
Should be:
Discussions to revise protocols will open following confirmation that less than 4,000 unaccounted RPC-872-A instances exist.
[…] have been assigned to locate and destroy RPC-872-A.
Should be:
[…] have been assigned to locate and terminate RPC-872-A.
For the purposes of performing RPC-872, "drinking cups" is defined as any small, bowl-shaped container with a handle.
Should be:
For the purposes of performing RPC-872, any small, bowl-shaped container with a handle qualifies as a suitable object for successful execution.
Objects that have had RPC-872 performed on them, hereby known as instances of RPC-872-A, will attempt to identify the individual responsible for their creation and will follow any order given by them.
Should be:
Objects targeted by RPC-872, hereby referred to as instances of RPC-872-A, will attempt to identify the individual responsible for performing RPC-872 on them and will subsequently execute any provided instruction within their faculty, if provided by the individual.
These are not the only ones, look through your article and see what else could be more clinically described.
the assistance of 631 Anomaly Guard Platoon.
The footnote at the end of this is formatted incorrectly. Footnotes are always after the punctuation.
Also, I'm not familiar with this title, is it not The 631 Anomaly Guard Platoon? Reads weirdly.
Two months after this raid, an RPC Authority facility
Regarding Addendum 872-2
The format of the table is quite poor.
- "Instance" and "Order Given" should be separated into their own columns.
- The "Instance" column should not only describe the item number but the appearance of the object itself.
- The field columns should be coloured differently to distinguish them as fields and not items of the fields.
- Additionally, "Research Notes" is only used in one part of the table (assuming you're going to write something into the blank space and not N/A), so it should be removed as a column and rather you should write the research note as a bottom closing note under the table, like "Regarding RPC-872-A-8:"
RPC-872-A-8 is commanded to use its abilities to force CSD-1679 to write "Hello World."
Write it where? with what? These are important details that must be clarified.
Instance apparently was only able to repeatedly and, according to CSD-1679, very annoyingly order the subject to write "Hello World."
The Authority does not care what CSD-1679 finds annoying, unless it is very directly linked to the anomaly's behavior. Here it is not.
"Apparently" does not work here, they either saw it happen or they didn't.
There is nothing stopping you from replacing
Instance proceeded to go through the system opening as many programs as possible before duplicating said programs exponentially until the system suffered complete failure.
With
Instance accomplished the task without difficulty.
So why did you do it for the first item and not the other? Explain the mechanics of the execution of the task for the first item in the table the same way you did for the second item.
Assuming these errors are fixed, I find this article is a 2/5. It's a barely-ok starter article. Personally I don't exactly find it interesting. This premise is ripe for "old magical spell used by the ancient Chinese whose nature we must rediscover through the scientific process" but you waste the execution of the history on modern absolutely nondescript disruptors, and having done it that way, the inclusion of a GoI only looks like you did it to qualify for the ongoing contest on a technical basis, and it makes for a quite boring article. It's a pretty half-assed way of using the contest prompt, to be frank.
If you don't intend on making this a contest submission then disregard that latter part, oops.
First things first, remove the PCAAO theme. Themes like this should only be used if its a file created by the GOI in question, not if its a regular RPC article.
access instructions to RPC-872.
for RPC-872
any items that can be affected
could be affected
bowl-shaped
cylinder-shaped (since you are talking about mugs here)
Instances are however unable to control mental processes outside of this.
However, instances are unable to control mental processes outside of this.
perform instructions through manipulating electronic devices
perform instructed tasks through manipulating electronic devices
They express the ability to rapidly learn how to utilize devices they are exposed to and duplicate or memorize data as they deem necessary to accomplish tasks.
They demonstrate the ability to rapidly learn how to utilize the electronics that they are exposed to
following investigation
investigation,
Initially
Initially,
These instructions remained archived for several years until its use as a means for creating tools that could help agents in infiltrating the ever-increasing number of digital systems present both locally and abroad became apparent.
These instructions were archived for several years until their use as a means of creating tools that could aid agents in infiltrating the ever-increasing number of digital systems present both locally and internationally became apparent.
late 2000s
2000s,
At this point
point,
However following a raid
However, following a raid
Been receiving a lot of questions
I've been receiving a lot of questions
it's the thaumaturgy equivalent of Lean. Easy, simple, and cheap.
I really don't like this line at all. I do not see a researcher making a serious reference to this drug, especially since the drug has a renewed interest thanks to meme culture. Perhaps comparing it to fast food would be better than comparing it to something that has cemented itself in meme culture.
Committee operations that would then distract the Authority
Remove then
ACI was as such charged with investigating the issue.
ACI was, as such, charged with investigating the issue.
individuals to obtain desired information
obtain the desired information
Oh no, my position is not new. I work for Authority Central Intelligence and would like you to explain some things to us.
I really don't think an Authority agent would just say what department they look for, even to someone who they have captured and are currently using "advanced interrogation techniques" on. I'd replace this line with something else.
Agent Black could you please fetch my equipment.
Agent Black,
Agent [REDACTED]
Why is one of the agent names redacted when everyone else has codenames? Makes no sense to me
When I got transferred to Operations I expected a bit more action
Operations,
the results that the party wants I'm toast and raising the inquiry
wants, I'm toast, and raising the inquiry
this whole thing going and by your own words
and, by your own words,
Overall the main concept is nothing strong, just mugs that give off EMP waves and are subservient to whoever summoned them. In the later logs there is the potential for conspiracy theory-esque intrigue with the communication between 2 PCAAO personnel, but that doesn't go anywhere. There is also the involvement of Malthus here which just feels shoehorned and also doesn't lead anywhere substantial, especially considering that there is just a note at the end that explains everything. It would be far more interesting to see things slowly be revealed overtime. Also why are they using, presumably, actual Nihil and Malthus guys? Groups that PCAAO is hostile towards most of the time. Its a very weak story with poorly written dialogue (Lean references, the entire Torture log) and an uninteresting concept. 1/5
For purposes of experimentation, RPC-872 is to be taught to senior research personnel and one CSD.
I feel you should restructure the second half of this sentence to mention the senior research personnel and CSD personnel first, and use a word other than taught. CSD should also be followed by the word personnel.
Mobile Specialized Teams Echo-5 and November-7
Usually MST designations are followed by their code name.
bowl shaped
I feel like cup shaped is a suitable, more accurate description that doesn't exclude anything you were imagining.
Objects targeted by RPC-872
Targeted is not the right word here. "subjected to" might be better.
RPC-872-A instances will use their radius of control to stimulate the subject's Wernicke's area
Change to "RPC-872-A instances will stimulate the subject's Wernicke's area given that they within its area of effect."
however the PCAAO came forward
I know its explained later in the PCAOO document, but you should mention the pretext for why the PCAAO contact the RPC Authority and figure out about their issue here.
Attached to this addendum is the most recent iteration of RPC-872's, designated Anomaly No.631 by the PCAAO, main documentation.
Change to "Attached to this addendum is the most recent iteration of the main documentation of RPC-872, designated Anomaly No.631 by the PCAAO."
Codename: Morning Coffee
I haven't read any PCAOO documents, especially not recently, but if they don't have a theme of giving objects ridiculously generic codenames than you should probably find something more interesting than Morning Coffee.
Altered objects exhibit independent thought.
Nothing to do with this line in particular, but I think you should consider if this anomaly is really just sentient or if its actually sapient.
████████ of 199█
██/██/2016
Why is this document using different date formats and different levels of information protection on the year?
Addendum 872-2: Note From Head Researcher
I know this is a note from a researcher which can be a little more lax on the clinical tone, but it feels a little bit too lax. And, maybe, a little unnecessary. Might be a better way to emphasize this is a really easy ritual to do than something like this. Would authority personnel even ask questions about why the security is tight?
04/██/2018
This is a really weird censor to put on a date. If the month and exact year are safe information, what is the security concern with the day? I'm assuming this is a month/day/year format because it would be even weirder to be censoring just the month.
or someone picking through your memories
I think there's probably a more natural, and more importantly, more threatening way to say this
Ever heard of a Videric? It's a series of chemicals we made/discovered to be able to make us see the things we normally couldn't. Combined with certain drugs and amnestics, it makes you see the things you normally shouldn't.
Why does this guy getting interrogated need a lecture on what a videric is? Should just be threatening language that implies what it does. There definitely shouldn't be anything like "made/discovered" in dialogue either.
I submitted a report and got told to persuade the chapter I had infiltrated into raiding one of them.
This sentence is really confusingly structured.
were old as crap and already lost all their teeth. Like Dr. Lin and Dr. Woa were when they went missing.
Not sure if this is a necessary detail. Maybe better for him to just present his theory that the teeth were removed?
Sincerely,
Dr. Xi
This is in the last email, which is from Dr. Hoa, so the name should be changed
That's not important.
This is kind of generic, and also wouldn't be very persuasive in making the interviewee feel like they haven't been spied on
me and Juan's
Juan and I's
Excuse me.
Should probably be followed with a question mark rather than a period.
We believe we can turn this issue on its head, and begin overwhelming the Committee with our own mass produced RPC-872-A instances.
Would the Authority really take a security risk like this?
Overall, I felt the article was decent enough, given the issues are corrected. Some of it feels unnecessary. Was the presence of Dr. Xi even important? I believe they don't end up being interviewed. I'd entirely scrap the part involving them you planned, this section of the article is already really slow and I don't feel that would improve it. The part of the article between the COM interview and the PCAAO security document felt like a drag, and I probably would've stopped reading there under normal circumstances. I feel there should be more emphasis on the fact this ritual is really easy to do, because the concept presented at the beginning of the article does not do a good job at hooking the reader in, given the actual anomaly of the article does not get my mind running without that fact.
If the errors were fixed, I would rate it a 3/5. If you managed to improve the hook and make the slower section of the article go by quicker, I might rate it higher.
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