Horizonts contest entry

Summary:

Cair Aisling tale for the contest

Horizonts contest entry

0ktober 07 Mar 2022 02:36

This is the first part of a larger series of tales. I have a lot more written but nothing that is complete. I was hoping to have at least the first two parts done before putting it up for critique but I'm running out of time for the contest, so here is just Part 1.

http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/horizons-entry-vizlox

I'd really appreciate any crit because I don't have the time to do crit4crit right now. The contest came at an inconvenient time in my personal life.

Re: Horizonts contest entry

Almarduk 12 Mar 2022 01:06

+ show block

swelling with blood in disgusting undulations

"Disgusting" is kind of a heavy handed adjective IMO. If you want to provoke a sensation, it's generally bad to use adjectives directly used to refer to that sensation.

the hole now parallel to the ground, leaking tar that turns to vapor upon contact with the natural ground

Ground used twice in the same sentence

Restraint thoroughly drained, she replies, "Fine."

Feels weird that her restraint would be drained after three interactions with it. One could imagine she's had to listen to it for a good part of the trip, but this kind of thing should be exposed or alluded to IMO. It'd be best if we could see the whole process of getting exasperated with this voice.

"Oh my god. I'll help you. I can help you."

I think God is supposed to be capitalized in "oh my God" because it's a proper name — as in, the Abrahamic God.

"You can't."

"I have to."

"You need to stay alive."

Now that I think about it, this dialogue being notated with quotation marks makes it potentially confusing as to whether it's being said out loud or only in her head or the older woman can hear this.

---

It's an alright tale but it's just kind of incomplete. There's not really any progression or developments or reveals and none of the setups go anywhere, especially that eye scene at the start. Maybe this would work better if you cut the scene with the eye and focused on beefing up the later part with the girl and the bow.

Granted, I know this is because it's an entry in a series, but if it's gonna be submitted to a contest then I feel it makes sense to take it as a stand alone work to review it.

Re: Horizonts contest entry

Arbiter_Soul 12 Mar 2022 03:11

Interesting tale:

from one corner to the other, the crater transforms.

Missing a capital F on that first word

The Eye, fully formed, jerks slowly from side to side,

I'm noticing you're using a lot of commas here, and I think that could interrupt pacing or seem chopped up to the reader. For example, I'd swap the words around here to make something like

The fully formed Eye jerks slowly from side to side,

Would also make the rest of the sentence seem like more of a cohesive block in this particular case.

Her stomach snarls—it's been a night since it was last fed.

Since she was last fed, the stomach isn't a separate organism eating, its just part of Ria. You can also say it's been a night since she last ate. if you think it reads better.

The blood leads to the door of a building. The building is in better shape than most.

I'd merge these two sentences.

---

I noticed that you also tend to have a habit of using Siren as a proper noun and a regular noun interchangeably- sometimes the S is capitalized and other times it isn't:

You have to find him before the Sirens do.

The siren doesn't notice Ria's presence.

I won't touch on what Alma's said already, but I would work towards molding a single work that could be added upon rather than one part of many, if that makes sense (Think like sequel baiting in movies but not nearly as scummy). Regardless, I hope things go well for you and we see where this leads!

Re: Horizonts contest entry

televisionist 12 Mar 2022 03:27

I can't really add anything technical the other authors in this thread have said other than that it feels kinda generic atm. it's a solid piece of writing. Solid, but not outstanding. In truth it feels like I've seen this piece before, from a nomadic wanderer helping an old stranger in peril, cobbled out of other fantasy stories. Hell, I could imagine the entire thing in Zelda and it wouldn't change much. It needs more to the story itself. It needs that unique angle that most of your articles have.

I think rushing works are your Achilles heel, same with Dreamscape. A while not as bad, I can't say I feel anything. Nothing bad, but nothing that gets an emotional kick out of me. I will compliment your prose, however. As I states in DMS, not a single line was wasted near the action scene at the end.

If nothing, this draft is a testament to your competence as a writer and at pacing than anything else. I give this draft a 3/5 in enjoyment, a 5/5 technically. I would not suggest uploading in its current state.

Re: Horizonts contest entry

(account deleted) 12 Mar 2022 05:42

I said I’d do it, so i did.

+ show block

from one corner to the other, the crater transforms.

Capitalize ‘from’

coiling together as skin peals from the ground.

peels*

The white of the Eye forms, littered with thousands of tiny red veins, swelling with blood in disgusting undulations. An iris of vibrant blue unfolds from under the white, and in place of the pupil sits a sunken pit with walls of flesh and a pool of red tar at its bottom. The Eye, fully formed, jerks slowly from side to side, stretching its colossal muscles and flooding its surface with turquoise tears from unseen glands to unseen ducts.

Gross. But good 👌

The ore is thrown,

Passive voice.

One by one, the remaining six approach and offer sacrifice: stolen armor from the elf, gelatinous eggs from the orc, sprawling scrolls from the wizard, seed and crop from the hobbit, branches and leaves from the ent, and a dead bird from the human.

And here I thought the inhabitants were being eaten. No. It’s a ritual of some kind.

It desires material. Any and all.

I disagree with this line. I already figured that it wanted ‘stuff’, not people.

Show, don’t tell. Trust the reader to figure things out on their own…

…now I realize this line was meant to lead into the ones immediately following, to emphasize that the thing wants to consume ‘meaning.’ Not just to tel the reader what’s going on.

Er, nvm, carry on.

business before the blue moon: exploring the ruins along the Wethir Bay.

Lovely alliteration. The colon is unnecessary, though. I think.

After a two-day ride through the barren plains, careful to keep safe distance from orcs,

keep a safe distance*

It's crappy rye bread

Nitpick: I find the usage of ‘crappy’ here a tad jarring and tonally unfitting with the heavy atmosphere you’re going for.

She ignores the voice, again; and swallows the third and final bite of bread.

Excessive punctuation. Pretty sure this whole thing can just be one big sentence.

The lower half of the ruins has shorter buildings, few parks and no remaining walls

One more comma after ‘parks’

---

All in all, good details, good action, and nice way of characterizing Ria. Not sure how it fits into RPC…I’m also not familiar with most of RPC’s GoIs, so I’m a little lost of how it fits into the con, but overall I like it. Not much more to say since it’s to be continued though.

Re: Horizonts contest entry

SovereignAuthority 26 Mar 2022 09:48

Pretty cool tale! Did not except the dark ending, but it's a welcome surprise. I had some confusion following the relationship with Ria and the old woman, somehow I missed that was her mother (at least I think so). Maybe making that more clear somewhere would be a good idea.

We get a lot of visceral detail with the Eye at the beginning, so I think you should also describe the Siren in similar depth since these are the evil forces of Cair Aisling at work. I also wasn't sure what connection the Eye had with the rest of the article, if any.

It's the first Chapter of a tale series, so all that you really needed to do was hook readers into the narrative and give them some setting and characters to follow. I think you did that here, I have nothing to add or suggest in that respect. Good luck in the contest!

[+] Issues

On a blue moon night, it comes to life. from one corner to the other, the crater transforms.

"On a blue moon night, it comes to life; from one corner to the other, the crater transforms."

coiling together as skin peals from the ground.

"coiling together whilst skin peels from the ground. "
Unless you mean "peals" as in the bells, but I don't know what you would meant by that.

The white of the Eye forms, littered with thousands of tiny red veins, swelling with blood in disgusting undulations.

Suggestion: "Thousands of tiny red veins enshroud the white of the eye, undulating and swelling with blood."

and in place of the pupil sits a sunken pit with walls of flesh and a pool of red tar at its bottom.

Suggestion: "and in the pupil's place sits a sunken pit, with walls of flesh and a pool of red tar at the bottom."

The barrier winds howl from above on this cold night.

Suggestion: "On this cold night, the barrier winds howl."

The seven are not captives. They came here of their own volition. They are pawns.

"The seven are not captives, they came here of their own volition; they are pawns."

as regular and disgusting as blood pulses within the Eye

Suggestion: "as rhythmic and unsettling as the blood pulsing within the Eye"

launching its iris from the opposite side

Suggestion: "launching its iris out the other side"

leaking tar that turns to vapor upon contact with the natural ground.

Suggestion: "leaking tar that vaporizes upon contacting the natural ground."

It desires material. Any and all.

" It desires material, any and all. "

The matter is digested into the tar, dissolved to raw meaning and reforged.

Suggestion: "The tar digests what it receives; matter dissolves to raw meaning and then reforged. "

Out of sight below the earth, a mass of meaning grows. The body.

Suggestion: Either "a mass of meaning grows; the body." or "a mass of meaning grows. The Body."

once again.

Suggestion: "once more."

on exploring its entirety

"on exploring it in its entirety"

blood trailed

"blood trailing"

god.

"God" (unless not capitalizing is intentional)

"Oh my god. I'll help you. I can help you."

Does she say this in a monotone voice or is she actually concerned? I would think it would be something like this: "Oh my god! I'll help you, I can help you!"

Without any left, she rushes to pull the burlap sack from the horse, dump the bread onto the ground and tear the sack into a flat sheet of cloth.

Suggestion: "Running out of them, she rushes to pull the burlap sack from the horse to tear the sack into a flat sheet of cloth, dumping the bread onto the ground."

The looters left to the north but he ran to the east.

"The looters left to the North but he ran to the East."

"I can't put my mother before a child's life."

Who is saying this line? The mother?

"The bird will kill you and your mother will die."

So is that old woman Ria's mother? I must've missed that somewhere

Steady, aim; fire. Miss.

"Steady, aim, fire. Miss."

The bird doesn't notice the arrow hit the water and sink.

"The bird doesn't notice the arrow the sunken arrow which hit the water."

Second arrow drawn.

Suggestion: "A second arrow is drawn."

She yells, drawing the bird's attention. But it doesn't change course.

Suggestion: "She yells, catching the bird's attention, but it doesn't change its course."

Second arrow drawn again.

Wouldn't this be the third arrow?

because living intelligence absorbs better than dead brain matter.

Suggestion: "because a living intelligence absorbs much better than brain dead matter."

It will kill the boy and drop him to allow for mobility

Suggestion: "Instead, it will drop and kill the boy so that it may fly."