For better or worse, here it finally is. May God help me.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/880gismo
Dramafagging aside, thank you whoever goes through this. Grammar mistakes are always appreciated, but it is going to be immensely helpful if plotholes, character inconsistencies, and incorrect details are brought up and pointed out. Thanks!
to the subject and which work
To
to the subject and who work
Clarity and proper grammar
who work regularly in the areas
To
who regularly work in area
Proper sentence structure
anomaly, as well as its
To
anomaly and its
Proper grammar
This applies to every member of each Division, of every clearance level, as well as any possible guests that have arrived to the Site.
To
This protocol applies to everyone, regardless of division or clearance level.
Proper grammar, clarity, and removal of needless wording
RPC-880 is to inhabit in one of Site-XXX’s isolation rooms, with the necessary furnishing to accommodate for a comfortable and psychologically easing lifestyle.
To
RPC-880 is to inhabit one of Site-XXX’s isolation rooms, with the necessary furnishing to accommodate for a comfortable psychologically easing lifestyle.
Removal of needless wording
of RPC-880 prevents, or rather
To
of RPC-880 prevents or rather
Comma not required
they are still require to be
To
they are still required to be
Misspelling
allowed as a rehabilitory technique, as well as encouraged.
To
allowed as a rehabilitation technique and is actively encouraged.
Misspelling and Clinical tone break
long as it is accompanied by at least two Containment security officers for its own protection.
To
as long as at least two Containment security officers accompany it for its protection.
Propper grammar and removal of redundant words
personnel as a way of encouraging compliant behavior and assisting staff
To
personnel to encourage compliant behavior and assist staff
Propper grammar and removal of redundant words
vertical areas or accidentally
To
vertical areas, or accidentally
Missing comma
breaking objects, staff is advised
To
breaking objects, the staff is advised
Missing determiner
personnel are to be called for cleanup afterwards.
To
personnel is to be called for cleanup afterward.
Proper grammar
designated therapist are to be
To
designated therapist will be
Needless extra wording
anomaly, as well as a method
To
anomaly, and a method
Removal of needless wording
grasp on the general
To
grasp of the general
Proper Grammer
Swedish adolescent that had been abducted
To
Swedish adolescent abducted
Removal of needless wording
only remaining original body part
To
only remaining body part
Redundant wording
engraved on two of the largest pair of surfaces, positioned at the left pterion.
To
engraved on the surface of the left pterion chassis.
Needless wording and proper grammar
(modified) sex slave .
To
(modified) sex slave.
Proper period placement
RPC-880 and by extension any other
To
RPC-880 and, by extension, any other
Proper punctuation
Surrounding the skull, there is
To
Surrounding the skull is
Proper grammar
that is able to change
To
that can change
Removal of redundant wording
choice for the purpose of the anomaly
To
choice for the anomaly
Removal of redundant wording
window of time it
To
window of time, it
Missing comma
anomaly and its reason
To
anomaly, and its reason
Missing comma
not be a difficulty.
To
not be difficult.
Correct grammer
But, it has been
To
Nevertheless, it has been
Proper wording
subject physically, but did
To
subject physically but did
Comma not required
for an "aesthetic" use in a horizontal, rather
To
for "aesthetic" use in a horizontal rather
Needless wording and comma
inexplicable method of perception of the
To
inexplicable perception method of the
Proper grammar
theory of regular perception
To
theory of common perception
Clinical tone
discarded on the initial
To
discarded in the initial
Proper grammar
RPC-880, for all intents and purposes, lacks any kind of known method
To
RPC-880 lacks any known method
Unnessiary wording and clinical tone
difficulties when it comes to interaction with
To
difficulties interacting with
Needless wording and proper grammar
is capable of seeing regularly
To
can regularly see
Needless wording and proper sentence structure
interaction RPC-880 has been
To
interaction, RPC-880 has been
Missing comma
lacking vocal chords,
To
lacking vocal cords,
Misspelling
allowing a very wide and realistic vocal range.
To
allowing for an extensive and realistic vocal range.
Proper wording and clinical tone
While attempting to assess the situation through the door a fight was heard to have broken out within with RPC-880 calling for help.
To
While assessing the situation through the door, fighting and RPC-880's cries for help could be heard.
Proper grammar
struggle came to a sudden end.
To
struggle suddenly ended.
Proper grammar and clarity
Upon entering the room, RPC-880 was huddled in the corner of the therapy room and the body of Pesvogrin Leisskovitz was laying next to his table.
To
Upon entering the therapy room, RPC-880 was found huddled in the corner with the body of Pesvogrin Leisskovitz lying next to his table.
Removal of needless wording and proper grammar
mind and was able to begin answering
To
mind and begin answering
Removal of needless wording
of events the session started off regularly
To
of events, the session started regularly
Missing comma and needless wording
sessions which could lead to regressions
To
sessions, leading to regressions
Proper grammar
careful consideration it was
To
careful consideration, it was
Missing Comma
While there have been disagreements regarding this choice,
To
There are many disagreements regarding this choice,
Reduction on the wording
Doctor Milner herself, the Site Assignment
To
Doctor Milner herself. However the Site Assignment
Proper sentence structure and a good place to break up a long sentence
the optimal choice both due to her overall experience with psychological work within the Authority and a high ranking loyalty to our organization and cause – unlike her predecessor.
To
the optimal choice due to her experience in the field of psychology and a high degree of loyalty to our organization.
Unnessisary wording, proper grammar, clinical tone, and added clarity
The subject's own insistence
To
The subject's insistence
Unnessisary wording
assistance is to be acknowledged, but
To
assistance is acknowledged but
Unnessisary wording and comma
Oh don't be like that, she's new.
To
Oh, don't be like that; she's new.
Proper punctuation
started to know me, something about
To
started to know me. Something about
Proper period placement
with him and he
To
with him, and he
Missing comma
dangerous guy who no
To
dangerous guy whom no
Proper grammar
at the floor, as Dr. Milner
To
at the floor as Dr. Milner
Unnessisary comma
out of nowhere, and ruins
To
out of nowhere and ruins
Unnessisary comma
problem. Some developmental issue.
To
problem-some developmental issue.
Sentence fragment
doesn't matter any more.
To
doesn't matter anymore.
Misspelling
You should not concern yourself over my problems or try to involve themselves in it.
To
You should not concern yourself over my problems or try to get involved.
Proper pronoun usage
The subjects retracts the outstretched parts,
To
The subjects retract the outstretched parts,
Proper grammar
sore muscle, or getting
To
sore muscle or getting
Comma not required
The behavior in question which raised suspicion was the sudden unwillingness of leaving his private quarters for any possible reason.
To
The behavior in question that raised suspicion was the sudden unwillingness to leave his private quarters for any possible reason.
Proper grammar
Mr Shetland was known to staff to have always patrolled his home when staff were present out of a fear of some of his smaller but more precious items getting stolen.
To
Staff knew Mr. Shetland would consistently patrol his home when they were present out of a fear that small precious items of his were being stolen.
Proper grammar and sentence clarity
quarters stating to the lead
To
quarters, stating to the lead
Missing comma
bed for a while". It
To
bed for a while." It
Proper period placement
ACI agents succeeded in intercepting the call and booking an appointment.
To
ACI agents intercepted the call and booked an appointment.
Unessiary wording
arrived to the premises they remove staff from the premises with ease.
To
arrived at the premises, they remove staff easily.
Proper wording and comma placement
with the bed sheets used
To
with the bedsheets used
Misspelling
their employer, nor the
To
their employer nor the
Needless comma
was hand waved as such.
To
was handwaved as such.
Misspelling
Amnestics and lead to
To
Amnestics and led to
Proper grammar
summer house as a safehouse for
To
summer home as a safe house for
Proper wording and correction of misspelling
were let go, and
To
were let go and
Needless comma
Shetland is unknown, and
To
Shetland is unknown and
Comma not required
Kabushiki Kawaii or a third
To
Kabushiki Kawaii, or a third
Missing comma
Aside from typos, this iteration of 880 is a notable improvement over the original in both theme and execution. With some improvements to grammar, this can be a stellar article.
Excellent, charming article with a brilliant twist. The dialogue which makes up the bulk of the article is incredibly well done and easily the best part of the page itself.
On with the crit!
Conprocs:
initial perception of the anomaly.
Maybe first encounter? First contact? “Initial perception” sounds off. How about first impression?
applies to everyone
“This applies to all on-site staff.”
it has shown a commendable effort and willingness to adhere to security protocols and programs intended to help.
“It is remarkably/commendably compliant with security programs and protocols related to its containment.”
Due to this, it has been allowed relative freedom in its mobility as long as at least two Containment security officers accompany it for its protection.
“Therefore it is provided with limited freedom throughout the site provided it is accompanied by two ASF officers for its protection.”
a Swedish adolescent abducted by Kabushiki Kawaii and had her body modified through extreme means.
“…Kawaii whose body had been modified via anomalous means.”
The only remaining body part the subject has left is the upper skull, which is noticeably modified with a chassis bound around it, serving as a method of protection and identification.
You say that it's the one part left twice.
"The one remaining body part is the upper skull modified with a chassis that serves as a method of protection and identification."
The Kabushiki Kawaii logo is engraved on the the surface of the left pterion chassis. The right pterion chassis holds the Kabushiki model number:
There is clinical, and there is robotic. Combine sentences: "The Kabushiki Kawaii logo is engraved on the surface of the chassis' left side, while the model's number(footnote here with the number) lies on the right side of the skull."
goo
I really think slime or viscous substance would be better here. Goo sounds silly in this clinical context.
possess limited control over texture and temperature.
Possesses.
The goo will change its properties in response to the subject’s brain it has been, for the lack of a better term, grafted upon.
"The slime's properties change in response to signals from the brain of the subject that it is "grafted" upon."
Psychological session 13 – Audio written record
Subject:Errika Renosdottir (Designation RPC-880)
Designated therapist: Doctor Vanessa Milner, Research clinical psychologist
Missing a space between subject and Errika.
saying it was nothing wrong with it
Saying there was…
pretty supportive, bless them. Lots of them have been hearing me out, which [ Voice slightly raised ] REALLY MEANS A LOT, SO TO WHOEVER READS TRANSCRIBES THIS BE SURE TO LET EVERYONE ELSE KNOW!
I would keep it lowercase. I'm a bit of a hypocrite here but I think using uppercase to emphasize volume looks a little awkward.
E. Renosdottir: Crazy, yeah. It just started seeping through as he started to know me. Something about me clicked with him, and he just… descended into this insane, dangerous guy whom no one stood up for after his death.
Second Offset:
hazard
Capitalize Hazard in each category.
RPC-880 itself is contained within a 80m2 room encased within a transparent plastic wall thinner no less than 2cm
I think this could be simpler. “RPC-880 is contained within a 80m2 room comprised of a transparent plastic wall 2cm thick.”
I gave you my full thoughts in dms with grammar crit, but here a snipit of the main things quoted there:
"Good work.
Okay, I'm gonna try to make this as concise as possible, cause its 3:58 am now and I just finished it, I feel as if the initial goating by Dr.M felt really jarring, even for a character. Even revisiting it felt like to come out of nowhere with no build-up. I liked the action scene, and this article is definitely an improvement from the old 880. A big reason it took so long for me to get to this article is simply that A: I couldn't find the source code so I had to just copy-paste the displayed text after saying just "fuck it" and B: Its length is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing in that you get a real slow burn effect that comes together in the end, a curse in that right before that final interview, I really felt as if the piece was dragging on for too long.
Like, fuck, I genuinely just wanted it to be over by then. In hindsight, I was able to forgive a lot of it by that action scene, but god, you have to climb to get there and I almost feel as if the length isn't worth it. I'm not saying massive overhaul, but just refining the journey to be a tad shorter is all.
And look, i understand its a cliche checkmate moment where the main character is so absorbed in their foiling of the antagonist that the other character's pain becomes secondary, but I can't ignore that I think that Krenshaws arm being hurt is cheesy. Its a double-edged sword in the fact that it adds that tension you wanted to the build-up, but its really goofy in a way that, even though I WANT to get past, I just can't."
(account deleted)